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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

178 replies

Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:41

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:56

I feel better just getting it off my chest to be honest!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 10/02/2021 20:58

He’s definitely invading your privacy. And he knows it. He’s setting everything up so he can spy on you/control you. I’d find someone else computer savvy who can change all security settings- in fact I would want to get rid of the phone. And him. He knew that you were uncomfortable but he ignored you. What next..

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/02/2021 20:58

I agree with a PP that if he's aware of your previous situation he should be more sympathetic, NOT doing what he's doing and knowingly making you feel uncomfortable. In any case he's a jerk, for doing it or for not giving a toss he's upsetting you.

Canitbemagic · 10/02/2021 20:59

Get your own phone and reset his back to factory settings and return it. Reset your passwords on iCloud, email, Amazon, Netflix etc and ensure that if you forgot your password it isn’t directed to his email address. My ex did this with my email - so reset email was his meaning he could change my password and read my emails. The biggest thing that hit me was when my counsellor said early on - state your boundary or I don’t like this stop and they either stop and aplogise(normal) or they don’t (dump& quickly)

Catchingfire123 · 10/02/2021 21:00

I think I’m the opposite he might actually just be trying to help. Your past experience is maybe clouding the judgement. Has their been any other red flags? If so you might be right, if not you need to explain to him why you acted out of character and what’s going on in your head

Tinacollada · 10/02/2021 21:00

You're not paranoid, he is weird and very controlling

DesiderataH · 10/02/2021 21:02

I don't think you're being paranoid at all. Even though I have absolutely nothing to hide, and my texts/emails are pretty boring, it's the principle of the thing. They are MY messages/texts etc. Someone going through my phone and computer is on par with someone going through my handbag! I suggest changing all your passwords.

JanFebAnyMonth · 10/02/2021 21:03

@Catchingfire123

I think I’m the opposite he might actually just be trying to help. Your past experience is maybe clouding the judgement. Has their been any other red flags? If so you might be right, if not you need to explain to him why you acted out of character and what’s going on in your head
Nope. Anyone being truly helpful would act like a work IT guy / phone shop assistant or whatever, and be very clear with "Now reset your password and I'll turn right away so you know only you know it".
CallistoSol · 10/02/2021 21:03

Why are you allowing this? Why are you so passive about this encroachment on your boundaries? And tech is so user friendly these days, there is absolutely no excuse not to be tech savvy enough to change your password. If you dont know just google the damn question.

CallistoSol · 10/02/2021 21:05

And I am thinking spyware on all of your devices too. He might be reading this thread right now.

Feelingconfused2020 · 10/02/2021 21:05

I also don't think you're paranoid. I'd change everything now and tell him that you prefer to keep things private and you felt pressured the other day. If he apologises then you can move on but if he gets defensive or annoyed or starts gaslighting and telling you you're paranoid then I'd say you.need to walk away.

Dogscanteatonions · 10/02/2021 21:09

I have literally nothing to hide from my OH and as certain as I can be he doesn't either but neither of us know each others passwords and I certainly don't feel the need to.

TrailingLobelias · 10/02/2021 21:10

If you really don't want to leave you can say you don't like having cloud options because of privacy concerns.

I don't allow any automatic backups to the cloud.

Batfurger · 10/02/2021 21:11

Massive red flag. Anything like this. Ugh. Men are so fucking shit sometimes. A bloke I was seeing would ask me to google something just so he could watch my screen in case I was getting messages. FFS.

Sheepies · 10/02/2021 21:12

I agree that is weird, if he was actually just showing you, he could have unticked the 'trust this device'. It's annoying when someone offers unsolicited training, but the invasion of privacy would be next level for me, and even with nothing to hide, probably a deal breaker. I would maybe talk to him about it though if everything else is good, and change your password!

Squidgyflump · 10/02/2021 21:12

You will soon find out if you need ro run a mile
When you see how he reacts once he finds out you have changed all your passwords!!

BreatheAndFocus · 10/02/2021 21:13

You’re not paranoid. Typical abuser behaviour - very controlling. My ex did this too under the guise of ‘helping’ me because he had Apple stuff and I didn’t. He even put a tracking thing on my iPad without me realising.

Change all your passwords, get your own phone and be really, really on the lookout for more controlling behaviour. It’s so easy to think you’re imagining it early on. Stay alert and don’t trust him one bit.

I’d get rid of him personally because I now have zero tolerance for crap like this.

Catchingfire123 · 10/02/2021 21:13

@JanFebAnyMonth yeah if they were a 3rd party which he isn’t. I know my OH passwords, he knows mine we have nothing to hide and we have a very equal relationship. Hence my question of is there any other red flags? If not he’s just trying to help and like me doesn’t see a problem with it. IP just needs to set some boundaries, not every guy is a bad one

FishWithoutABike · 10/02/2021 21:14

My DP knows my passwords to everything. However, I’d still be very upset if he accessed anything without asking me first. I would tell him you don’t want him to access your devices and change your passwords.

Godimabitch · 10/02/2021 21:16

You're not being paranoid.
We share passwords, but we've been together years and it's a mutual thing based on convenience.

Change your passwords, try to set boundaries, if he resists then get out, it wont stop at your passwords.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/02/2021 21:17

I wouldn't say you're paranoid.
Any normal person would setup the emails address turn their back while you entered your password.
I'm with DP years I've nothing to hide he doesn't know any of my passwords excluding ATM card.
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck" listen to your instincts.

Saz12 · 10/02/2021 21:17

Change your passwords. Immediately.

If he asks you why, tell him. If he apologises, great. If he doesn’t, dump him.

Siepie · 10/02/2021 21:18

You’re not being paranoid, especially if he’s backing up your iCloud to his devices. He sounds very controlling. Return his phone and reset all your passwords. If he reacts badly to that, leave him. Or even if he doesn’t, I’d definitely consider leaving.

DP and I only started giving each other our passwords once living together. And even then, it’s a case of “can I have your iPad password to check on our Deliveroo order?”, not saving passwords on each other’s devices.

jakscrakers · 10/02/2021 21:19

it is and should be irrelevant whether you need to hide something or not, that is not the point. This information is yours and yours alone, if and i state if and when you either want help, or him to read a certain thing that is and should be YOUR choice and not his.
if he starting to get like this now, what's the next step. You need to be clear on your boundaries from the get go, and if he does say well your obviously hiding something, then you know if is time to move on, you need to get your passwords changed fast, change the settings so only your email is allowed no hangers on and if that doesnt work, you need to find a tech savvy friend who can show you how, without reading your mails

umpteennamechanges · 10/02/2021 21:19

I think you also need to think about your reaction to this.

You were riled and yet you didn't say anything.

This suggests that you aren't comfortable in having boundaries and talking about these boundaries with partners?