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AIBU?

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Original poster

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

178 replies

Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:41

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 11/02/2021 00:05

Get rid of that phone, get a new one, get a new number and get a new boyfriend. Make that last one the FIRST on the list. Change ALL passwords, including (and probably most important) your iCloud.

There should be room for privacy in a relationship. There should also be honesty in a relationship. The two are not mutually exclusive. Honesty means always telling the truth, even when the truth is, "I don't want to discuss that." It should be respected by both parties. This man obviously does not respect your privacy. His need to access all of your private information indicates a lack of trust, and that lack means that your relationship does not have a solid foundation, and never will have.

Fiona2020 · 11/02/2021 00:14

I don’t know my partners passcode or passwords after years. I’ve no need. Change your passwords and if he reacts then you have an issue....

Mustreadabook · 11/02/2021 00:17

I think it is possible he is just being helpful. My husband is always being asked to set stuff up for his parents and has to note their passwords or else they would just loose them. Perhaps just have a conversation about how you can change your password?

Speakeasy22 · 11/02/2021 00:19

I think you will feel better now you have expressed how you feel and others have validated your instincts. But please don't be lulled into ignoring your initial instincts. Something is wrong here and you were right to pick up on it right away. Remember and act on that.

ScreamingBeans · 11/02/2021 00:29

One thing that stood out for me from your first post, was how many times you said you've got nothing to hide, as though bolstering an argument you are expecting to have, reassuring anyone who is going to argue with you, that you have nothing to hide.

You don't have to do that. You don't have to be apologetic or defensive or anxious to reassure, about the fact that you have a right for your privacy to be respected.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2021 00:32

I think your first, and immediate, port of call should be to change all your passwords.
Then get yourself a new phone. If he asks, tell your bloke that you have "lost" the iPhone, possibly had it stolen, and so you've changed all your passwords. Chances are he has lots of tracking stuff on his old iPhone, so you want rid of that. (NB - make sure you DO actually get rid of said old iPhone, as he probably has a GPS tracker on it too, so if it's in your house, he'll find it - delete all your stuff off it and chuck it away somewhere)

And when we say ALL your passwords, we mean ALL your passwords - MN, FB, any other social media, as well as your email, bank details, device passwords etc. EVERYTHING.

My DH doesn't know any of my passwords. I know his password to a couple of things, but not to his computer, his email or his bank accounts - and the things I do know are Netflix etc and his phone. But everyone in this house knows his phone password!

truthisalie · 11/02/2021 00:35

If you change passwords on synchronising gadgets, will the second one not update automatically?
Just worried he still will be able to access her accounts.

Chloemol · 11/02/2021 00:55

You are not being paranoid.

Change your iCloud password now, in fact change every password you have on anything

Get your own phone and give him his back

If you want to carry on seeing him fine, but personally I wouldn’t

Unless of course he has given you access to his iCloud, phone laptop? But even then no, just no

I would be seriously considering dumping

Mockolate · 11/02/2021 01:02

I don't think you're being paranoid, I wouldn't like that at all.
I'd hate feeling like I was being spied on, even though I'm seriously the most boring person ever to spy on lol

Member869894 · 11/02/2021 01:03

This is not normal or right. Change all your passwordsor do whatever you have to do to have your privacy. ( I'm not tetchy either) if he objects then you really need to consider carefully whether you should be in a relationship with him

Mockolate · 11/02/2021 01:04

@Fiona2020

I don’t know my partners passcode or passwords after years. I’ve no need. Change your passwords and if he reacts then you have an issue....
Also, definitely this. Been with DH over 20 years, never known any of his passwords and he doesn't know mine either. Change them and see what his reaction is. Hopefully he won't mind and you'll know he's alright really
saraclara · 11/02/2021 01:05

I hope you've already changed your passwords, OP.

..while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

That actually made my stomach lurch. There is absolutely no reason for him to do this, other than to be able to log in to YOUR stuff without you knowing.

PerveenMistry · 11/02/2021 01:05

Run.

saraclara · 11/02/2021 01:07

And yep, my late DH and I were married for nearly 40 years, and from the time passwords and PINs came into our lives, neither of us ever knew the other's. He was a wonderful man and I trusted him implicitly, but privacy is privacy.

nervalslobster · 11/02/2021 01:16

Another one saying change all your passwords, from another device if possible.
This is not normal. You are not paranoid, you are uncomfortable for a reason. I would be kicking him to the kerb without a backward glance - his behaviour is controlling and will only escalate.

StormzyInaDCup · 11/02/2021 01:40

@eckhart I suffered through serious domestic violence, as someone with an insight into the therapies, workshops and actually training in the field. I've never had words touch my soul like yours, I think they would have made me SEE him and made me leave. That's not a small statement or one I make lightly - You should do something with those words!

Significantown · 11/02/2021 01:42

Have you looked at the Freedom programme? I don’t know if its running right now, but it has a bit about technology and control.

StormzyInaDCup · 11/02/2021 01:43

@Newlyblubberised He ticked to trust the device. It tells you all you need to know right there. Listen to eckhart.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/02/2021 01:53

You are under-reacting

He's a control freak building up to worse, as you will eventually find out if you stay with him. He is intrusive in terms of your privacy. He'll be monitoring everything you do.

"Paranoid" is an extreme way to describe yourself based on the actions of some bloke - why would you do that?

Get rid of him. He's not good for you. He's already overstepping your boundaries and no man is worth that. There are nicer men out there.

Change your passwords. Although the way this oddball is going he'll likely change them back, as he's access to all your stuff. He needs to be gone

sneakysnoopysniper · 11/02/2021 01:54

I would not like a stranger having access to this sort of information. My nephew built my computers, does all my techy stuff, and knows where to find all my passwords. Thats because he would have to step in if I was ill as I run a business. However I gave him this access - he did not take it.

SunnyChange · 11/02/2021 02:07

Trust your instincts, too often we ignore them but they're usually right. Been with my DH near on 10 years and even he doesn't know my email passwords or have anything synced with him.

Change passwords to everything and when you do it, forget all devices! Then dump him. I'd do it in that order so he can't lock you out of anything.

It's controlling and has the potential to be financially abusive too. It's not your fault, slowly, slowly edging in saying he's helping and suddenly you're overwhelmed by it all. He's been totally manipulative.

If you need any tech advice on how to/where to find change of any settings, feel free to DM me. I'll try to point you in the right direction of where to find them (and won't ask for any passwords!)

Mally2020 · 11/02/2021 02:12

I think it's normal if you have nothing to hide and are in a committed relationship what's the problem?

BlueThistles · 11/02/2021 02:25

@Mally2020

I think it's normal if you have nothing to hide and are in a committed relationship what's the problem?

Are you SERIOUS ?

lemmein · 11/02/2021 02:32

@Mally2020

I think it's normal if you have nothing to hide and are in a committed relationship what's the problem?
Wow 🤦🏻‍♀️😂
Mockolate · 11/02/2021 02:40

@Mally2020

I think it's normal if you have nothing to hide and are in a committed relationship what's the problem?
Really? I have nothing to hide, seriously, I'm well boring if you tried following or digitally tracking me lol. Been with DH over 20 years, still a fat nope to him tracking me. That's freaky shit. Either he trusts me or he doesn't.