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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

178 replies

Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:41

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:29

@Yebanksandbraes you speak sense

OP posts:
willloman · 10/02/2021 22:31

Please change your passwords asap. He's being intrusive and has no reason nor right to your data in any shape or form. And yes, you are right he's giving himself sneaky permissions.

MadameButterface · 10/02/2021 22:35

It won’t stop or change

My ex hacked into my email when we had been together a few weeks. He thought i wasn’t over my ex before him and wanted to see what i’d been saying to my friends about him and if i was still in touch with other ex. He was very sorry so i forgave him. Shortly after i got pg with eldest dc.

The years went on, we had another dc. Ex h was an angry emotionally abusive man who would sabotage me, have awful rages and say awful things. I started seeing someone else (bad I know) and ex h and i separated.

I ended things with OM. Ex h and i got back together. Ex h knew I wasn’t telling him everything so (according to him) got russian hackers to access my whatsapp, my messenger, my icloud photos, everything. He looked at everything between me and ex om obviously but he also looked at my conversations with my friends and family etc and would quote them all back to me. I was deeply mired in guilt for having wronged him so would let him have rough co ercive degrading sex with me to ‘make amends’ or whatever. Mn very kindly deleted all posts under my old usernames going back to 2008. He continued to treat me poorly. After going off from our eldest’s 13th birthday in a rage after a big rant calling me a worthless whore etc i decided i was done. Ff to june 2020. I was seeing a new man. Ex started all his shenanigans up again. Stalked new man’s social media, stalked mine again. I ended things with new man.

I now obviously have massive trust and boundary issues. I have panic attacks, i have intrusive thoughts, i often want to be Not Here. I self referred to IAPT to get some cbt or something but they referred me to a dv survivors charity instead. I had a really long wait to see someone then found them not that helpful. I can’t afford private therapy. I take sertraline.

I will probably never have another relationship. It’s just not worth the hassle. The man i was seeing last summer has reported ex hto the police as he says he is still harassing/stalking him but there’s little they can do without proof. I am afraid to report him myself. My dc adore him and they would be devastated and probably angry with me. He would be raging and have his revenge, he is very vengeful. I mask and mask every day but i feel like a shell of a person. I have panic attacks. I feel insane. I do not have in depth conversations with friends on whatsapp, insta or whatever anymore, just chit chat and how are you oh fine sort of thing, because I feel like nothing is private.

I don’t even know why i am telling you this, let alone under this username which is my usual one and which i’ll probably change now. I tell you what though i bet my life would be so different if i’d not ignored that first red flag. I curse the day.

2020iscancelled · 10/02/2021 22:36

Yeah I agree OP, I would change your passwords and see what his reaction is.

I could be that this is what is fairly normal and standard to him, perhaps it is nothing to do with control or trust.
It could literally be that he thinks you’re not that savvy and he’s just taking the lead in sorting things - but even if there’s nothing untoward about it you should be able to say “hey this isn’t my normal and I’d like to talk about it without any accusations or assumptions that I have something to hide” and he should be adult enough to realise everyone’s “normal” is different - no right or wrong.

I mean some people will openly pee infront of their partners ; sat on the loo having a wazz whilst their hubby bruShes his teeth - that’s their normal. I wouldn’t dream of it and wouldn’t appreciate my DP taking a pee whilst I’m flossing.

No rights or wrongs but everyone’s boundaries are different.

I hope for your sake there is just a genuine difference here and he takes your discomfort seriously and graciously.

If not then you know you’re right to feel dodgy about it all and can make your decision then

BeardieWeirdie · 10/02/2021 22:40

Don’t “think about” changing your passwords - do it, then bin him.

Eckhart · 10/02/2021 22:42

Were your feelings respected as you were growing up, @Newlyblubberised? Did your parents have a healthy relationship, or did they cross each other's boundaries a lot?

Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:44

Wow @MadameButterface - I’m so very sorry about everything that’s happened to you and how you feel now. Please don’t give up on yourself- you don’t deserve that. I hope you can find the help and support you so need and deserve 🌸
My terrible ex was on some levels similar (but not even close) - I thank god I got out when I did, although we do have a child together (he’s as good as abandoned her though, sadly/mercifully). I wish you all the best x

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:46

@Eckhart, I was about to thank you again for your insightful post about listening to my real voice, and I’ve just seen your most recent comment. Growing up, my feelings were absolutely not respected at all by my dad- as a young child I’d say they probably were by my mum, but thinking back, certainly not, especially as I got older.

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 10/02/2021 22:48

Been with dh over 20 years, he has none of my passwords and cannot access my phone.

JanFebAnyMonth · 10/02/2021 22:48

@Eckhart your words should be compulsory learning in all schools.

Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:48

And sorry, missed this bit out- they certainly didn’t have a healthy relationship either. Mum on eggshells constantly around dad- dad snapping at anything he considered to be rude/impertinent/answering back

OP posts:
Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:49

@JanFebAnyMonth hear hear

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2021 22:50

First change all passwords (and I mean ALL, including bank etc) then dump him and block. He is the same as your ex. Sorry

If you need help with clearing all trusted devices then post on here, its not hard honestly.

Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:50

@2020iscancelled that’s spot on, thank you

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 10/02/2021 22:52

@MadameButterface

very harrowing reading 😔

OP please take heed... you too deserve better than this 'in-house' stalking 🌺

changingmine · 10/02/2021 22:55

yy it doesn't matter whether he's doing it to be nice or not, what matters is that you don't want it. Hold onto that.

justasmalltownmum · 10/02/2021 22:55

If you change the passwords, and he tries to sign in on a different device, you will get notified.

justasmalltownmum · 10/02/2021 22:56

Actually he could even login, change the password and then you will be logged out.

Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 22:57

Thank you @BlueThistles 🌸 and @MadameButterface- you did nothing wrong 🌸

OP posts:
Eckhart · 10/02/2021 23:19

@Newlyblubberised

Your parents' relationship explains why your boundaries are where they are, and why you struggle to enforce them. You were given a poor example as you were growing up. It's as simple as that. We're very 'monkey see, monkey do'. You're copying your mum.

But you've spotted it now, and that's the route out. This guy, and your abusive ex, have given you the impetus to want to make a change, to start asking questions. In a way, by behaving so poorly, they've done you a favour, because you've started questioning, as a result. Now you get to do all that stuff that people talk about when they say 'I've been taking time to work on myself...'

You have to understand that if you're asking 'Is it just me, or is my partner being (insert unpleasant thing here)?', then it doesn't matter what the answer is. Health relationships don't give rise to those questions. The other thing to recognise is that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. (capitals again!) You're not paranoid or sensitive or silly or too emotional or hysterical or any of those things that unhealthy people in unhealthy relationships say. You are you. You are the right level of paranoid for you. The right level of sensitivity for you. The right level of silly for you. You don't try to alter the levels to suit other people; you choose your people to suit those levels.

Jeez I'm writing long posts. I have been where you are. Not with passwords, but with boundaries. Roughly the same thing with my parents as yours. Honestly, when you recognise it, just like you are, and you break free, life ROCKS.

IthinkIm · 10/02/2021 23:22

Absolutely change your passwords. It will be very interesting if he asks you for the new ones.

Eckhart · 10/02/2021 23:22

[quote JanFebAnyMonth]@Eckhart your words should be compulsory learning in all schools.[/quote]
I really wish they would teach emotional boundaries to kids. It is more important to happiness than any other qualification. You can be rich/famous/expert-at-a-subject-you-adore/live in a mansion on a beach with staff to bring you cocktails, but I swear, if you don't have good emotional boundaries, you have to be desperately lucky to find happiness.

EternalOptimist7 · 10/02/2021 23:24

That isn’t right at all.

truthisalie · 10/02/2021 23:57

He tries to make you get used to to normal things which are not normal. He knows it but he has problems with trust and wants to control you.

truthisalie · 11/02/2021 00:01
  1. Change passwords
  2. Don't give him your passwords
  3. If he demands then tell him this relationship doesn't work for you
  4. You don't want to know his passwords and you don't want anyone else to know yours because it's your right to privacy
  5. Be firm. Your relationship is becoming abusive and suffocating and it will get worse. He will want to know every step of yours. He will install apps to monitor your whereabouts. Run!