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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you choose to have children again knowing what you know now or would you choose childfree?

192 replies

Greenland21 · 10/02/2021 19:53

Just that really. If you have children would you make the same decision again or would you decide to stay childfree? Would you think differently because of Covid? Do you think less women will have children now?

OP posts:
buckleten · 10/02/2021 23:46

I wouldn't change a thing, in fact if anything I would have more! I cannot imagine my life without them.

Chuckleknuckles · 10/02/2021 23:51

Had to think about it because I loved my life pre children but if I hadn’t had mine, I’d always have wondered.

Rainboom · 11/02/2021 00:01

I prefer life pre kids for sure. But I love my 2 and cannot imagine life without them, so I'd still choose the same. I dont get people who choose childfree, I imagine they're like my in laws who had kids cos it was the normal thing to do to be accepted in society, but hardly want a relationship with their kids or grandkids.

While it's hard and added stress, everything else, career, travel, etc pale in comparison to the meaning my kids bring to my life.

OloBo · 11/02/2021 00:05

Absolutely. If I’d known I’d have multiple losses to have them, I’d have started sooner to give myself the best chance of success. Otherwise I wouldn’t change a thing.

Lalliella · 11/02/2021 00:07

This thread is really sad. So many people saying it would be better not to have kids. I have 2 and have never for a single second regretted it and have never for a single second thought my life was better before. My only wish is that I could have had 4! I had years of fertility treatment and my kids are an amazing blessing to me. I know it doesn’t work out for everyone and I know I am so so lucky. I love them so much. And I’m lucky that they’ve never been horrible teenagers (although I know there’s still time!)

Rainboom · 11/02/2021 00:10

Also if UK has a below 1 birth rate and a declining population like S Korea, who will pay for the NHS, roads and public pensions for us old folks?

AliceMcK · 11/02/2021 00:10

Wouldn’t change a thing, my children are my life. Some people have children thinking that they are cute little extensions of themselves or don’t think about the fact that the children who didn’t choose to be born should somehow not be a priority in their lives and should just fit in. I don’t, I knew exactly what I was doing. I lived my life, had fun, traveled then I choose to bring my children into this world so I see it as my responsibility to 100% put them first in every way. It dosnt matter how bad or hard things are, I know that having them is the best choice I ever made and would never change a thing.

PADH · 11/02/2021 00:13

I would have all 3 of mine again. If I could change when they were born (due to covid) I would - dc3 born in the middle of the first peak, and dc1 has missed so much of her first 2 years of school and is miserable and struggling. DC2 has been unaffected so far thankfully.

Fiona2020 · 11/02/2021 00:28

This is a really interesting read! I am a step mum to 2. We have recently been discussing having a baby together (I’m 35 this year) I am so worried that as much as I want it, I might hate it? We have the Step children every other weekend which is fine but I still prefer our child free weekends, weekends when we sleep in till 10 and do what we want. Are these natural worries?!

Nith · 11/02/2021 00:31

100%. My children are an absolute delight to me.

Emeraldshamrock · 11/02/2021 00:33

This thread is really sad. So many people saying it would be better not to have kids. I have 2 and have never for a single second regretted it and have never for a single second thought my life was better before
That is great you feel like that and your DC are the ones you dreamed of.
I think it is really terrible you mentioned how sad others feelings are.
Many are going through a really hard time and it is difficult enough feeling like you need an escape without a stranger feeling sad over my/our feelings.
Yes it makes me sad when posters can undeniable say they don't regret their DC ever.
I would die to protect my DC, I worry about them constantly, they both require so much support they've extra needs DD is gullible and needs protecting she is easily lead and a target, DS is aggressive obsessive and controlling he'll be a handsome man I worry about his future life how he'll manage a relationship, I spend hours on emotional wellbeing with him knowing he can explode daily.
My days are hard you don't need to feel sad I already do.

Dontletthecatout · 11/02/2021 00:48

I've lost my job due to Covid
I've lost the will to live homeschooling 3 kids, 1 of which has learning difficulties
I've lost my ability to be a good housewife due to juggling the above while looking after a toddler and keeping everyone away from partner working from home
I've lost touch with reality since a day out consists of nipping to Tesco for a longer than needed shop
I've pulled my hair out over the goddamn mess everyone leaves at their backside
Ive gone nuts at the fighting and arguing all these little people can do in a 10 minute window

But no, I wouldn't change it for the world. I miss my mum incredibly and I know if I didnt have these 4 kids I would feel 10000000 times worse about it. They keep me laughing and crying, they are there to have a little chat and know when to disappear,they want to come on walks yet they know when I want to go along, they are silly at the dinner table, they keep my brain active with all this homeschooling, they're there to have a hug when I need one despite not knowing how much I needed it! They give me a topic of conversation where otherwise I'd have none. They love me and I love them and we would never change it. Just the same as I love my mum and the reason she is so sad right now is that she wishes she could be here with us instead of being alone 😔

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 11/02/2021 01:06

This thread is really sad. So many people saying it would be better not to have kids. I have 2 and have never for a single second regretted it and have never for a single second thought my life was better before

Bully for you Hmm
It may shock you to realise that other people don't feel the same way about the same things as you do though.

trifleandbaileys · 11/02/2021 01:25

@Lalliella

This thread is really sad. So many people saying it would be better not to have kids. I have 2 and have never for a single second regretted it and have never for a single second thought my life was better before. My only wish is that I could have had 4! I had years of fertility treatment and my kids are an amazing blessing to me. I know it doesn’t work out for everyone and I know I am so so lucky. I love them so much. And I’m lucky that they’ve never been horrible teenagers (although I know there’s still time!)
Agree, very sad.
justanotherremainer · 11/02/2021 01:31

Can I change the father but not the child?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 11/02/2021 01:42

@justanotherremainer

Can I change the father but not the child?
Oh if you find out how this is done let me know Grin
FlamedToACrisp · 11/02/2021 01:44

I would have had 4 instead of only 2. I was swayed by financial reasons, but regretted it later.

XelaM · 11/02/2021 01:51

The people who preferred their child-free lives, can I ask why?

I honestly can't picture it being better even if all the free time and extra money I would have had. Travelling and fun can be had even after kids. I don't see why kids would stop any of it. I love taking my daughter in holidays and honestly find holidays without her a lot less fun.

Five67Eight · 11/02/2021 02:46

The people who preferred their child-free lives, can I ask why?

You must have very little imagination, if this is a genuine, non-goady question. Confused

High needs children, for one? Do you have any idea how hard it must be to parent a child who is severely autistic, for example? Being a single parent doing that? Worrying about what will become of them when you die? Getting no respite due to their level of need?

I don’t, but I can begin to imagine.

I wish people would be a bit sensitive. Life is hard enough for some people.

Five67Eight · 11/02/2021 02:49

@Shinyletsbebadguys has nailed it for me.

I found it hard in the early days - I didn’t have my Mum and my Dad was in another country. It was hard.

But it’s long since come into its own, and I’m now Mum to the best two kids in the world. Thinking about a life without them - I can’t even.

Knowing what I know now - a vociferous ‘yes’, I would do it again.

anormalperson · 11/02/2021 02:55

Definitely . I find my own kids absolutely fascinating .

Gemma2019 · 11/02/2021 02:57

Definitely child free.

AgentProvocateur · 11/02/2021 03:33

I would have them again for the complete and utter joy and happiness they’ve brought me. On the other hand, if I knew how much brexit and COVID would fuck up theor futures, I’d think twice about having children.

Guineapigbridge · 11/02/2021 03:45

I'd have them, but maybe two rather than three.

I'd be VERY picky about who I had kids with too (lucky DH makes the cut).

Guineapigbridge · 11/02/2021 03:47

Also if UK has a below 1 birth rate and a declining population like S Korea, who will pay for the NHS, roads and public pensions for us old folks?
Productivity gains and automation will. The world needs fewer people.