Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Boarding schools aren't the same as they used to be. If he's not averse to going, send him. It sounds like a great opportunity snd if things don't work out he can move. He's young enough to do that... I think weekly boarding and exeats and weekly matches (when this is over) will mean you will see plenty of him so I wouldn't worry about that.

I think one of my husbands problems with boarding was the self reliance it instilled and the secrecy.
He thinks he should always solve problems on his own and never tell anyone anything even if they might be able to help.
It has caused no end of problems over the years.

my own view is that boarding is 100% different when the child does not feel at all “sent away”

Yes, I would say this is crucial. Any child who feels "sent away" is going to have issues with it at some point.

If it's a positive choice, it's very different.

@Iwantawhippetor2

I'm just wondering how he got a chance to get a scholarship. Did he current school put him forward or was it his idea to try for one?

School suggested He was interviewed, took exam School provided a “reference”

So a combo

I wouldn’t have wanted my children to live apart from me at 13. I especially wouldn’t have wanted them to go to an environment that thinks of them as “sportsmen”.

They’re not men at 13, they are vulnerable, growing children. The whole ethos of sending away your children from their parents so they can get better at playing games well seems... emotionally empty and Victorian.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity i think. And with mobile phones you can keep in regular contact so I don't think he will feel estranged from his family like boarders maybe did years ago.

Oh yes @Bythemillpond, resilience and independence are both a blessing and a curse.

Can I make my way around any city in the world? Yep, no sweat.
Can I ask anyone for help or tell them I feel I am failing? No. Not a chance.

I've got mixed feelings OP. No personal experience but I have a lot of friends, relatives and colleagues who have either boarded themselves or who have children who board. Interestingly, not many who fit both criteria, which may be telling, or maybe nothing more than coincidence, I really don't know.
But there's a wide range of experiences. Some rave about it, but a lot don't. I would agree broadly that the children who feel that they were "sent away" have more issues than those who chose to go and I also think that the older the child the less likely problems are. However, it's not guaranteed. I have friends whose child went to a specialist school on a scholarship, similar to what you describe though this child went aged 11. Throughout the schooldays the parents social media was full of pictures of the child's achievements, how great it was and how happy they all were, but one of the parents has subsequently told me privately that they feel they lost their child from year 7 on. The child very much wanted to go - there was no coercion from the parents - but spending so much time apart did affect their relationship. On a plus side the child is now a very resourceful and independent young adult who has had experiences that would otherwise not have been possible, but the family dynamic has most definitely been changed.
I don't know the answer sorry, but I do think you are right to be concerned and to think things through very carefully. I think my advice would be that if your DS goes, be sure to make it very clear to him that there's option of returning at any point if it isn't what you all hoped for.

@snowydaysandholidays

Well, we do have a lot of experience of boarding schools. It is a very popular choice here.

Points to factor in, you will no longer be a big part of your child's life once they go to BS, you will get updates from school and from your child, but you will certainly lose the day to day connection, and over time the children that attend BS absolutely do seem to become extremely independent, which is a good thing. They will choose what they share with you, rather than you being around and part of their lives. Their life will become very separate to yours in a way that most parents find difficult at first.

Not being there to share the ups and downs of teen life does impact the relationship, that shared experience will not be there, and as the years pass and they flit in and out of your home during the holidays (or sometimes not, they choose to take a holiday with a friend) they do become harder to pin down and then they go straight in to university.

So you are really saying goodbye now, to all intents and purposes. The long holidays are often spent with friends at second homes, and you become a side part in your child's life rather rapidly.

That said your child will have the best opportunities, and he sounds like a great fit. It is a decision for you, and your son. What does he want to do?

Tosh.

One of my children boarded. Came home every weekend and I often saw her during the week (for a match, music concert or sometimes just to have supper out). We spoke/texted every night, even if it was only for a couple of minutes. Had no adverse effect on our relationship whatsoever. The end.

Also, terms are much shorter than state schools so she was home for 4 weeks at Xmas, 4 weeks at Easter and 8 weeks in the summer.

Definitely agree with MrsAvocet, above. However, I think even if you tell your son he can come home at any point, he may feel the pressure to stay (not necessarily from you but possibly from other family being proud, friends etc) and feel unable to tell you if he's unhappy, for fear of letting people down. Also, even if you're not 'sending' him away, as he wants to go, ultimately it is your decision and effectively you ARE sending him away. Not an easy one.

Seriously - it is not possible to feel 'sent away' at a 21st century English boarding school! (Not if you live an hour or two down the road, anyway.) Even at major Public Schools with ostensibly full boarding, children will, for the majority of their time there, be compulsorily at home every two, sometimes three weeks. Parents can drop in pretty much any time outside lessons, in addition to all the usual school activities they attend.

Remember we're talking about teenagers - (not the 19th century 7 year olds so many have used in argument) they would be spending a fair amount of time with other people anyway, even at day school. Frankly there are times we've spent longer in conversation on FaceTime while child is at school than we are granted when they're at home, busy with friends and their own stuff.

And they are at home a lot. Filling the dishwasher, feeding the cat, walking the dog; perfectly normal amounts of shouting, teasing, laughing, quarrelling, listening and not wanting to listen to you.

I'm sure the OP is quite capable of making a judgement on the merits of two schools and her son's suitability for them, here, now, in the 21st century. She has two seemingly excellent options. I'm very sorry for those of you who feel damaged by decisions your parents made in another era - but I really can't see how these recollections help someone in a totally different situation.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude - sending children away to school as young as 7 did not die out in 19thC! It's still perfectly possible to do this today.

I know - though prep schools are gradually increasing the age at which children can begin - but posters commenting on 7 year old boarders generally do (on millions of threads) reference a 19th c level of suffering ...

Totally depends on your child. It sounds like you’d pull him out if he wasn’t happy.... that was the issue at my school (specialist music school).
I would go for it as it’s not too far away and he seems like the sort of person who would enjoy it.

I boarded from 10 and had a ball! I wouldn’t want mine to board but that’s cos I know what kids get up to 😮🤣

@BooksMusicSnacks

Oh yes *@Bythemillpond*, resilience and independence are both a blessing and a curse.

Can I make my way around any city in the world? Yep, no sweat.
Can I ask anyone for help or tell them I feel I am failing? No. Not a chance.

I don't think you can make blanket statements like this.

My DC (now at university) became much better at asking for help over the course of his time at boarding school. I am still their first port of call when he gets in a pickle (and I'd sometimes rather not know!). DC1 also became infinitely better at acknowledging that he had made a mistake and trying to rectify it. His school was very, very keen on boys learning this particular life skill. He would probably have become better at it anyway as he became more mature, but school really did help him in this respect. He also became a lot tidier.

You're absolutely right Mumpud. I've seen that scenario multiple times, especially where children have gained a place in a school against a great deal of competition and are continually being told either how lucky they are or how proud people are of them. Ditto if parents/grandparents/siblings etc are making big sacrifices, financial or otherwise to facilitate their attendance. It is a huge pressure to live up to the expectations. By coincidence I've just been reading a thread on another forum where multiple parents whose children have been at specialist boarding schools were sharing this kind of experience. Often they did not find out about a lot of their children's negative experiences until years later. The children had been very selective about what they told their parents because they didn't want to upset or disappoint them, and often because like many very talented people they put huge pressure on themselves to "succeed". The consensus seemed to be that there was no easy answer, as for some children boarding schools really do offer the best prospect of nurturing their particular talents. But the advice was generally to be very vigilant and not always take things at face value, and to try to keep lines of communication as open as possible with both your child and the school.
Obviously the same problems can occur with a child at home, but I think it is probably easier to miss the subtler signs of problems if the child is away.

A possible snag here is that many of those who boarded and have suffered for it - myself included - know that their own parents would say, and indeed have said, many of the things that the boarding school parents here are saying, and just as loudly and emphatically. They were wrong.

Just a bit more food for thought for the OP.

One thought struck me today

In normal times....I hardly see my eldest daughter during the week. She’s very sporty so after school is training or matches. Also very studious, so home, shower, dinner and then 2 hours of homework. Also very popular! So weekends are often rammed with friends. We always enjoy a lovely Sunday brunch but as a family often like passing ships in the night during the week, which if you have sporty, academic and sociable teens is.

It’s already a little like this with my son and no question lies ahead.

Quality time is holidays (he gets an obscene amount!) and Sundays.

Yes, in normal times my sociable, sporty and confident 16yo is out a lot and we don't spend vast tracts of time together. The difference is that I am here if he does need me. If he needs to talk, or a hug, or just to be with someone who loves him because he's feeling a bit down. If he needs to discuss something difficult that needs to be face to face, this will generally happen when he's going to bed. Sometimes he'll come home early from being out with friends and be troubled about something - I'm there for that.

But it sounds as though you made your mind up a while ago, so I'll leave you to it.

@sadpapercourtesan

Yes, in normal times my sociable, sporty and confident 16yo is out a lot and we don't spend vast tracts of time together. The difference is that I am here if he does need me. If he needs to talk, or a hug, or just to be with someone who loves him because he's feeling a bit down. If he needs to discuss something difficult that needs to be face to face, this will generally happen when he's going to bed. Sometimes he'll come home early from being out with friends and be troubled about something - I'm there for that.

But it sounds as though you made your mind up a while ago, so I'll leave you to it.

Likely a rare occurrence (hopefully?!) that something troubling him?

My boy is very very open, perhaps one of the reasons so popular. Obviously I can’t tell what lies ahead but I know my boy better than anyone I am pretty certain he would FaceTime / call if he ever something troubling him.

I’ve told him that if he doesn’t like it, he could come back and it would be a 9 day wonder.

He’s now very excited, texting his two best friends to talk about the virtual open day this weekend.

Seriously - it is not possible to feel 'sent away' at a 21st century English boarding school!

Of course it is possible, what a strange assertion to make.

It sounds like your son genuinely believes that whatever you choose he'll be fine with that. Kids who feel they were 'sent away' for convenience are a far cry from the confident, self assured young people who know how loved they are. So, genuinely, whatever you choose will be fine.

In your situation, I personally wouldn't enrol him at the boarding school, based purely on your assertion that the academic and sporty state school feels more than adequate. I wouldn't contemplate a boarding school when the one down the road would give him all the opportunity he needs. But that's my personal preference.

Great news OP. Good luck your son sounds lovely. Wish him all the best.

I think DC are brought up differently these days. Parents spend more time with DC. Employ staff to help out but are aware they need a good relationship with DC. You never ever send them away to school. You never stop loving and caring for them. So old fashioned notions of cold parents and a non loving family are virtually unheard of.

My DDs boarded around 1 hour from home. I spent more time there than I ever did in our primary school. DH and I attended everything possible! We also went into school more than any parents who stayed local!

My DDs were happy and our relationship probably improved. No nagging over homework. All done at school. They found great hobbies. They found new friends. They laughed a lot. They were inspired and developed into decent human beings. All of this is possible at a local school but we thought the extras DDs gained from boarding was worth it and so did they.

I’m glad your DS is looking forward to it.

Send him to board. It will give him so many opportunities in life