Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I think if the alternative is only really seeing you for brunch on Sunday then for your family it may give you more time together not less and allow you to see your daughters more?

I'm late to the thread and it sounds like you've already made a decision, but I've got to say, I wouldn't do it, OP.

I've looked around a wide range of schools in the course of bringing up three kids, and though I never looked specifically for boarding, many of the schools we saw had boarders as well as day kids so I'm well aware of the modern boarding offering. Personally, I was really turned off by the extraordinary quality of the facilities, e.g. Olympic size swimming pools, catering by chefs who had graduated from Michelin starred restaurants, professional quality theatres and concert halls, dance studios that looked out over the ocean... I could go on and on. This sort of window dressing is for parents, who find it seductive, but teenagers don't need that kind of excessive quality in order to have the opportunity to try new things and be inspired, and I hated the idea that my children would grow up accustomed to that level of privilege and become entitled and snobby. So it's interesting to me that you said The sporting facilities at the private are world class, jaw dropping in fact because it makes me think the school has sold themselves excellently to you - but, with respect, that isn't what you should be considering when you weigh up whether this is the right choice for your family. The pp who mentioned that her DS looked down on the rest of them after going to boarding school is a sad, salutary lesson here imo. I'm also a bit that you're considering a boarding school that's less academic than the local comp if it's fabulous opportunities that you're looking for. If true, then this is not a school that will open doors for your child, rather the reverse imo.

The truth is that bright, engaged kids will do well almost anywhere and in your shoes I would only go for it if the local school was crap or if he was absolutely desperate to be away from home, both of which are far from true. I really think you're kidding yourself if you think it will have no impact on your relationship or on family life as a whole. You sound like you have a lovely, close relationship atm. Why are you even considering jeopardising that for the sake of a school with good window dressing and mediocre results?

(And yes, I did practise what I preach! They went to the local comp, stayed close, did well, had plenty of opportunities, no regrets.)

Anyway, good luck to him, whatever you decide.

But you did send them away to.school.I believe that homework should be voluntary.

Honestly I cannot believe people can say with a straight face that living away from their kids 6 out of 7 days every week will not affect their relationship.

Regardless of how fabulous "sleepovers" are, home is home and at school you are still surrounded by strangers who ultimately cannot care about you as much as your parents.

I hated my parents for sending me away and now as a mother of children in my early 30s, I just can't comprehend how they could do that to their children.

I was 9 years old when I started boarding. Fucking 9. I understand WHY they did it - social standing and us getting in the way of their lifestyle but fuck, since having my own children I judge them so harshly on it.

I think I actually really benefited from boarding and I do think it set me up for life, but it did ruin the relationship particularly with my mother, permanently.

That's a really common experience for ex-boarders @flamingflamingos when your own children reach those ages and you find that you have less understanding of your parents' decisions, not more. It happens to those who "loved it", as well.

social standing and us getting in the way of their lifestyle

I'd say that was the problem, not the boarding in itself, Flamingos.

The opportunity seems to much to pass up & when he is older I don’t think he would thank you for holding him back & don’t forget nothing is ever final if he try’s it & absolutely hates it he can come home & go to a local school

When DC board they might not be with you physically but that doesn’t mean you don’t stay a loving family. Would you say that in this pandemic that families are no longer close and loving because they don’t see each other every day. Love lasts and good family relationships absolutely develop whilst dc are at school. Parents remain wholly interested in DC and what they are doing and how they have spent the week.

When people have decided against boarding, that’s their decision but for some DC it works 100%. You don’t need to have boarded yourself to choose the best school for DCs if you can afford it. But people who have never been near boarding and don’t know how it works are not best placed to comment.

If the comment about homework was directed at me, I’ve yet to find a school where homework was voluntary from y7. My DCs would always be expected to do it. It wasn’t considered voluntary by us or the school.

@EtonianMother

social standing and us getting in the way of their lifestyle

I'd say that was the problem, not the boarding in itself, Flamingos.

Exactly

DH boarded from age 8 (brother & sister did too) and DH liked it a lot and all his family are very close, almost annoyingly so. However I think that dynamic existed pre boarding school and thus continued after. Both parents worked in the City (London) and had a family tradition of boarding school, seemed like boarding school meant they got a homey-Er environment than at home with parents doing long hours.

I think your son has been offered an amazing opportunity and if he didn't try you'd always wonder what it. I had a friend who boarded and seemed to really enjoy it. Had great confidence and it led to good opportunities later on. I think it's something you should consider as a great opportunity.

'Would you say that in this pandemic that families are no longer close and loving because they don’t see each other every day. Love lasts and good family relationships absolutely develop whilst dc are at school. '

Well of course love lasts but surely you aren't suggesting not seeing loved ones is good and healthy?

Boarding school is farming out parenting to others, putting them in care. Of course if your work and social life is more important than bringing up your dc fine but it is for the parents sake not the dc, it is passing the buck.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Would you say that in this pandemic that families are no longer close and loving because they don’t see each other every day. Love lasts and good family relationships absolutely develop whilst dc are at school. '

Well of course love lasts but surely you aren't suggesting not seeing loved ones is good and healthy?

Boarding school is farming out parenting to others, putting them in care. Of course if your work and social life is more important than bringing up your dc fine but it is for the parents sake not the dc, it is passing the buck.

I love the juxtaposition of your post and your user name!

Part of why parents look to boarding is that children like lots of activities and sports and these are all available at school. Lots of busy children spend very few hours with parents during the week anyway. It might be breaking news but lots of parents work! They are not all stay at home families. So everyone gets what they want and no woman should apologise for working.

Err.. I'm a working mum, but don't send my daughter away to live with other people just because I'm working. Millions of working parents keep their kids at home.

Why would you need to send your children to be looked after elsewhere if you work
Boarding schools aren’t cheap and I wonder if it is a choice to work rather than be there for your own children on a daily basis
I can’t see what the parents get out of it apart from a large bill. Or is it some sort of kudos that they can say they have children and can play happy families a few weeks per year

Fwiw my own children had loads of activities each evening and like other parents I took them to everyone and took an interest in what they did.

In this case though the state school seems to be a better school academically and will help him more if he goes onto university than having a lesser academic private boarding school on his CV.

@XelaM

Err.. I'm a working mum, but don't send my daughter away to live with other people just because I'm working. Millions of working parents keep their kids at home.

And I’m one of the them! But for my son - he’s been offered an incredible opportunity He’s very keen And we are going to give it a go If it doesn’t work out, home he comes

@Bythemillpond

Why would you need to send your children to be looked after elsewhere if you work Boarding schools aren’t cheap and I wonder if it is a choice to work rather than be there for your own children on a daily basis I can’t see what the parents get out of it apart from a large bill. Or is it some sort of kudos that they can say they have children and can play happy families a few weeks per year

No bill at all. It’s a scholarship

I hope this thread remains as informative and generally unjudgemental as it has been

I was referring to those that work long hours to pay for boarding school fees. That they say they need because they work long hours

Reply to one poster - I have always believed that homework should be voluntary.

'No bill at all. It’s a scholarship'

No bill at all, 100% scholarship. Fascinating. All school trips, uniform and extra curricular activities included in this? The sisters at home will rightly expect equal expense and treatment but I'm sure you've considered that.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'No bill at all. It’s a scholarship'

No bill at all, 100% scholarship. Fascinating. All school trips, uniform and extra curricular activities included in this? The sisters at home will rightly expect equal expense and treatment but I'm sure you've considered that.

No extras on top but not an issue. It’a a scholarship, not a bursary.

One sister has a full scholarship.

The other one wanted to go to local state as it has a outstanding dance and gymnastics department, which is her forte.