Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

No bill at all, 100% scholarship. Fascinating. All school trips, uniform and extra curricular activities included in this?

But the OP would have these exact same expenses if her child goes to the local day school ...

But she too could have received a scholarship if she’d gone for it on the basis of her maths but that’s not the route she wants to go down.

3 years later, she’s very happy

The only one in this family who feels hard done by is yours truly (eyeing up the post brunch debris of 3 teens!)

Part of why parents look to boarding is that children like lots of activities and sports and these are all available at school.

This is actually another reason why I wouldn't do it unless I really had to. I think it's better for DC if they don't do absolutely everything - lessons, sports, music, hobbies, living - with the same small group of people.

Things go wrong with school friendships all the time. Sometimes they go quite badly wrong. I think it's important to have friendships elsewhere, however much of a pain it is to ferry them around to activities all over the place.

BlackBrowedAlbatross - your ferrying children around to activities implies such a lot.

That you can afford to pay for these activities. And any necessary kit.

That you have the free time after school or at weekends to get them there.

That you have a car, or have access to regular, reliable and affordable public transport.

So many things (that may or may not apply specifically to you) that some parents can take for granted.

What if you're a parent without those things? Are you honestly saying that a parent who applies for and is offered a 100% bursary to a school that will provide that extra curricular life for no/very little extra cost is wrong to take it up? When it's the only way their child can access the activities you can provide for yours?

Do stop arguing with the OP everyone.

Her son wants to go, he’s going, get over it.

Do what you like with your own kids.

🧵👮🏼‍♀️❓

@TatianaBis

Do stop arguing with the OP everyone.

Her son wants to go, he’s going, get over it.

Do what you like with your own kids.

It’s a discussion thread

Mine now appreciates the peace and quiet of home.

it works for him and he is happy and thriving - not something I ever considered but his choice, his request and he is making the most of everything on offer.

He sounds happy with it, so give it a try. He can change his mind if it doesn’t work for him.

@TatianaBis

Do stop arguing with the OP everyone.

Her son wants to go, he’s going, get over it.

Do what you like with your own kids.

She asked for opinions!

What if you're a parent without those things? Are you honestly saying that a parent who applies for and is offered a 100% bursary to a school that will provide that extra curricular life for no/very little extra cost is wrong to take it up? When it's the only way their child can access the activities you can provide for yours?

If you have a little read of my post you'll see I was giving it as a reason why I wouldn't do it unless I had to. Not saying that parents who do it are wrong. "Unless I had to" even implies that there are circumstances where I would do it myself.

(Whether free after school activities - which are often not free at boarding school anyway - are enough compensation for living away from people who love you, is a whole other kettle of fish and a judgment for each family of course.)

Most families who have the means to get their child to boarding school and back several times each term would also have the means to take them to cubs, football, orchestra or whatever locally. For many it's more an issue of time and fitting everything in, especially with more than one child. My point is that it's great to give them as mixed and varied a group of friends as possible, and not to narrow their social life to just school. It's definitely more of a pain for the parents though.

It sounds as though your son would thrive at the boarding school and make the most of all the opportunities it can offer.

I say go for it! If he really doesn't like it, you're not going to force him to stay, and it sounds like he is confident and articulate enough to let you know if things aren't working out.

It’s a discussion thread

The discussion is a bit moot now the decision’s been made. But hey if you’re enjoying posts telling you they’d never send their kids to boarding school, it’s your thread. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am - interesting insight
Plus - it’s lockdown, not a huge amount to do!

nothing is ever final if he try’s it & absolutely hates it he can come home & go to a local school

In fairness, I think the point a lot of people who went to boarding school have been trying to make is that the damage it does isn't always apparent until much later, and that 'hating it' isn't necessarily how the damage is done - particularly given that what OP is particularly concerned with is family relationships.

I think BlackBrowedAlbatross makes a good point. Probably not so much of an issue if you get along well with your particular group but could be a big problem if you don't. In fact come to think of it, my DD got on pretty well with most of the people she was at college with, but as it was a specialist college she was living with and socialising with only people on the same course. She began to feel it was rather claustrophobic to be with the same group all the time, and she was 18 and independent so I can imagine it could be worse for a younger person.
Extra costs is another valid point. If the OP's son's scholarship genuinely does cover everything then that is wonderful and he's very fortunate to have such an offer. But I would be a little cautious. I can think of at least half a dozen people I know whose children have gone away on "full" scholarships to different schools and every one of them has discovered significant extra costs. Whilst technically the extras might be optional, it is really difficult to say no if your child is,say, the only one who doesn't sign up for the rugby tour of Japan and the other kids are saying he's letting the team down. I've seen a close family member in a very similar situation to the OP and they certainly found there were downsides to being a child from a family of modest means in a school largely populated by the extremely wealthy.
Obviously everyone's circumstances are different and it's definitely not an easy decision. I'm not saying don't do it and I do believe that boarding is the best or sometimes only viable option for some children, but I think there is a lot to consider.

@EtonianMother not at all. I had a fantastic home life, we lived in a beautiful part of the world, very close family and I had pets at home - family dogs and a pony. And then because it's the done thing, because it's always been the thing that our family has always done, one by one we were sent off to board.

How can you go from having your children at home, close and safe and happy and wanting for nothing. From riding together and walking the dogs and spending all of our time doing things together, to just seeing your children at exeat - sometimes weeks went by without me seeing them other than sports fixtures. Coming to take me out for lunch and then waving me off and leaving me there. It makes me want to sob even thinking about how I used to feel when they'd drive off.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood you, @flamingflamingos. It was your comment about social standing and your parents' children getting in the way of their lifestyle that made me assume that this was your issue with boarding school.

It was obviously a bad decision for you, if it still hurts now. FWIW, I can't imagine not having seen my DC for weeks at a time then. In fact, they were never away for longer than three weeks (because of 'short leaves'/exeat weekends, in other terminology); our DC's 'home' weekends were always longer than normal because we lived so far away from school. I would also tend to go to school at least twice every term (as did XH, and my parents), so there would never be a long gap.

Perhaps it also helped them to know that if they had been unhappy, they wouldn't have had to stay. I did make that clear at the outset - it wasn't set in stone; more a 'suck it and see'. There certainly wasn't any 'done thing' about it - all the men in my family have boarded, but they mostly thought it was somewhere on a scale between okay and hellish (which it probably was in the 50s and 60s).

My husband went to boarding school at 11 - he thrived and loved it. I would do it.

@flamingflamingos

And then because it's the done thing, because it's always been the thing that our family has always done, one by one we were sent off to board.

It’s not the “done thing” in this family. Quite the opposite! An opportunity has arisen for my 13 year old son (as opposed to your 9 year old self) and in this family... everything is on a case by case basis!

And you think you were sent away as you got in the way of your parents lifestyle and for social standing purposes.

The former so very far from the truth... my lifestyle as a single parent revolves around my children and as for social standing purposes

What has becomes clear from this thread is that Boarding school experiences are as varied as day school experiences.

I had a wonderful time at school from 4-18. Great friends, great school, loved it.

My cousin almost committed suicide as so badly bullied and the school handled dreadfully. So moved to another school, and improved (as in no physical bullying) but was lonely and profoundly unhappy.

My eldest son was given a scholarship to a boarding school. He sounds very similar to your son ie very confident, academic, sporty. The school wasn’t far away and he was delighted to be offered the scholarship, it was his decision to go although I fully supported it.

Am the first few weeks he found tricky, being away from home, the rules, dorms etc but he quickly came round. He was there for five years and absolutely loved it. He came home a few weekends a term but generally decided to stay at school.

He is 20 now and at uni, he has very fond memories of school and stops in to visit whenever he is home.

not a chance
i want to be a part of my children's daily lives
hear about their days over a meal-share their triumphs and disasters

be the one to care for them if they are ill or sad