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Original poster

Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

531 replies

Chewingle · 10/02/2021 06:52

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

OP posts:
JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 14/02/2021 18:01

another thing i would add

my friend and her siblings all went to boarding school and as adults have barely any relationship at all as they didn't really grow up together

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/02/2021 18:57

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority

another thing i would add

my friend and her siblings all went to boarding school and as adults have barely any relationship at all as they didn't really grow up together

Everyone in my husband’s family went to boarding school and they all have very close relationships - much closer than my family, none of whom went to boarding school.

We go on holiday with his family regularly, and at one point we lived with them perfectly happily.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 14/02/2021 20:42

What has becomes clear from this thread is that Boarding school experiences are as varied as day school experiences.

Well, except for in one key respect, which is the child's absence from the home environment. They all share that.

EstoPerpetua · 14/02/2021 21:10

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

What has becomes clear from this thread is that Boarding school experiences are as varied as day school experiences.

Well, except for in one key respect, which is the child's absence from the home environment. They all share that.

Your point being?
GetOffYourHighHorse · 14/02/2021 21:15

'Well, except for in one key respect, which is the child's absence from the home environment. They all share that.'

Yes it's incredible isn't it the amount of enabling and excusing going on. Kids aren't just for holidays and Christmas, they do better in a home environment until 18/19 when they then perhaps leave home to go to college or uni. Parenting shouldn't be passed on to the nearest institution with the shiniest trophy cabinet.

andannabegins · 14/02/2021 21:22

I went at 10. I really wanted to go but it destroyed me mentally. I would never send a child there and I think it didn't help with my relationships with my parents. I was bullied to the point of self harm and suicidal thoughts and find it hard to forgive those who left me there

FlyingSuitcase · 14/02/2021 21:58

We're all just talking at cross purposes now though aren't we? The point has been made several times that the damage often does not show until later in life, and it's clearly been rejected by parents who are confident that it won't happen to their kids, just as my parents and countless others were before them.

All we can do is state the case and leave them to it. Of course it's a risk I'd never take with my own children, and "watching" other people do it is a bit like being someone with COPD or lung cancer or asbestosis exposing their kids to cigarettes or asbestos and say either "I've smoked for 40 years and I'm fine" or "they can stop whenever they like, I'm not forcing them" or "but it's different now, cigarettes have filters". Sure it's an overly dramatic example, but my point is the dissonnance between the 2 arguments. We won't know how affected today's boarders will be for another 20 or 30 years. I guess I can see why people will take the advantages now and reject the idea that there might be long term sequalae, but where there is a risk of long term impacts I think it's important to consider them, just as it has proved with smoking.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/02/2021 22:05

So... my daughter, who found a boarding school that she wanted to go to, applied for it, and insisting on going against our wishes, has somehow been damaged by us 'sending' her there, but we won't see the damage for another 30 years.

Right...

IdesMarchof · 14/02/2021 22:14

I get what you are saying @FlyingSuitcase - I had 3 boyfriends who had all boarded. Two felt they were very badly affected by it. One loved it. The two who felt very let down by having been sent both had distant relationships with parents. My dm also was very unhappy as a boarder.

I wouldn’t take the risk that my child would feel like that later in life.

IdesMarchof · 14/02/2021 22:15

@andannabegins I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you have had someone to discuss this with in RL Flowers

Zofrasi · 14/02/2021 22:24

Why would you consider losing your son, when he has the opportunity of both a great education and staying at home with his family? It's like you think that you are giving up something great by saying no to the boarding school, when in fact you could be giving up something great by turning down the local option. He's only 13.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 14/02/2021 22:26

he is 11. he needs his mother, and his sisters. no teacher, no friends, no schooling, will make up for what he loses by not being in and with his family, even if the room is small, he loses his keys, you shout at each other. NO one at the school will love him unconditionally like his family.
I know it must be hard having that possibility - and you also have an excellent state school which means he can get to go to a fabulous school and live with his family. No contest.

ScienceSensibility · 14/02/2021 22:31

With his gifts and potential, I would definitely go for boarding.

He will make such strong friendships and as it is only weekly, he can have the best of both worlds.

He sounds lovely by the way, OP. Well done you!

DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 22:38

Today 22:26 Toohardtofindaproperusername

he is 11. he needs his mother, and his sisters. no teacher, no friends, no schooling, will make up for what he loses by not being in and with his family, even if the room is small, he loses his keys, you shout at each other. NO one at the school will love him unconditionally like his family.
I know it must be hard having that possibility - and you also have an excellent state school which means he can get to go to a fabulous school and live with his family. No contest.“

Crikey.
He’s flexi-boarding and going home at weekends. It’ll be fine. If it’s not, he can leave 🤷‍♀️

DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 22:40

Zofrasi

Why would you consider losing your son, when he has the opportunity of both a great education and staying at home with his family? It's like you think that you are giving up something great by saying no to the boarding school, when in fact you could be giving up something great by turning down the local option. He's only 13.

Our son was a day boy at a boarding school. He frequently asked to stay over.
She is, seriously, not “losing” her son 🙄

Zofrasi · 14/02/2021 22:49

Hi @DenisetheMenace does that means attending
every day but generally not boarding? If so that sounds completely different to what the OP is considering which is boarding all week and potentially at weekends later down the line. I think some parents do lose their children by the sounds of it, or the closeness, not literally lose. I get the sense that OP is worried about giving up a great opportunity by turning down boarding school which is fair enough. But she has told us very little about the local school, which i think sounds far better and safer opportunity.

Zofrasi · 14/02/2021 22:57

Rather I think that the local school is also a great opportunity and something to be considered on its own merit not just as a second best to the expensive (but scholarshipped) boarding school.

DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 23:04

Today 22:49 Zofrasi

Hi @DenisetheMenace does that means attending
every day but generally not boarding? If so that sounds completely different to what the OP is considering which is boarding all week and potentially at weekends later down the line. I think some parents do lose their children by the sounds of it, or the closeness, not literally lose. I get the sense that OP is worried about giving up a great opportunity by turning down boarding school which is fair enough. But she has told us very little about the local school, which i think sounds far better and safer opportunity.“

Hi Zofrasi. Yes, our youngest attended a boarding school as a day boy. As he became more involved in house activities, he frequently asked us if he could stay over, often for several days at a time. There was a full programme of extra-curricular activities over weekends and he often wanted to participate in those, too.
If the OP’s son has the option of frequent weekends at home, it really could be the best if both worlds.
Boarding schools are very different now, to the grim places we heard of in the past.

FlyingSuitcase · 14/02/2021 23:26

@ZZTopGuitarSolo

So... my daughter, who found a boarding school that she wanted to go to, applied for it, and insisting on going against our wishes, has somehow been damaged by us 'sending' her there, but we won't see the damage for another 30 years.

Right...

I can see you've focussed on the immediate advantages and are rejecting the idea of longer term impacts, yes. My mother is also very secure in her view that it was entirely my decision.
ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 14/02/2021 23:28

My point, @EstoPerpetua, is that, given OP's concern is with family dynamics, the decision to send him to boarding school will unavoidably have an impact on that. There is no sense in which different people's boarding experiences vary wildly in that respect. They were all absent from the family home because of the decision to board. That will have affected family dynamics in every single case, just as it will affect them in the OP's case. It's fatuous to pretend otherwise. Will it affect them for the worse? Well, no one knows. Will it affect them for the better? Well, again, no one knows, but given OP currently has a good relationship with her son, it seems odd to imagine so.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 14/02/2021 23:31

FlyingSuitcase did you go to boarding school against your mother’s wishes?

FlyingSuitcase · 15/02/2021 00:49

ZZTop how could anyone know the answer to that? Her recollection of events and mine clearly differ, and my experience is not defined by her interpretation of it. Except that it feels like bloody gaslighting being told it was all my decison.

CharlieParley · 15/02/2021 01:00

I boarded from age 14, my brother from age 15. Loved it, so did he. As for the relationship with my parents, I was insufferable at that age and thought my parents were insufferable in turn, so being away at boarding school improved our relationship. I got very homesick at times, but loved my friends at the school. Unlike other choices in my life, this is one I never regretted. Without a doubt, one of the most beneficial decisions I ever made for myself.

Ericaequites · 15/02/2021 02:51

Flexiboarding or weekly boarding is the best of both worlds for adolescents. I had a long journey by car each day to school. Most days, I ate with my parents, did homework, slept, rinse and repeat. Staying in school can work if the child wants it. It”s not for everyone, but very little is.

SqeakyHindge · 15/02/2021 02:59

I’d send mine simply because most days they pain in the arse and I wonder if I be better parent and appreciate time with them more.

But there is zero chance financially of that happening

so no I couldn’t possibly send them I luvs them too much to be apart.