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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Worried830410 · 08/02/2021 14:04

Good idea to get a taxi there op. If you are with him in the taxi then it shouldn't matter who the driver is.
People who don't understand a fear of driving clearly don't get the op.

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 14:05

Nervous drivers in snow make the roads a nightmare for those of us who are more confident.

Not if they stay at home Grin

Who exactly should be sitting in a carpark with OP during an pandemic with stay at home orders?

Squiffany · 08/02/2021 14:05

A taxi driver won’t pick him up on his own after a GA.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/02/2021 14:06

What do you think happens to people who have no one to pick them up, the people that live alone and have no friends or relatives ? They go home in a taxi.

Actually this is a recurring issue for hospitals. In many cases we can't discharge the patient on the day of surgery unless they have a competent adult to collect them (we have to see them and make a note who) and undertake to escort them home and stay with them for 12 or 24 hours. This has to be confirmed at pre-assement, and if the patient REALLY has nobody to collect them, they may have to be admitted overnight.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/02/2021 14:06

YABU. lm guessing he has waited for this operation and why should he reschedule it. You need to put your big girl pants on, drive over there slowly and collect him.

BlankTimes · 08/02/2021 14:06

Do you have winter tyres OP, they are really good for driving in snow.

Ice of course, nothing has traction.

TurquoiseDragon · 08/02/2021 14:06

I don’t know why so many people can’t be arsed to learn how to drive in snow.

A lot of people can't drive in snow because they live in parts of the UK that doesn't get much, so few opportunities to learn.

And the forecast of heavy snows and hills, plus country lanes before she gets to the main road and I can see why OP is worried.

And just because she's worried about the driving, it doesn't mean she's being unfeeling.

I live in a town where the residential streets are not gritted unless they are a main road or on the bus routes. The hospital is off a side road, and people have previously complained that the approach isn't gritted.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 14:06

@Toorapid

Ok, so OP can go to get him in a taxi. That's the answer.
It's not the answer to a husband telling his wife to do something she feels is dangerous, and minimising her response by telling her 'That's what wives do.'
Toorapid · 08/02/2021 14:07

Absolutely Eckhart, but that's not a quick fix.

ItsDinah · 08/02/2021 14:07

Drive up to the hospital during the day so you're not driving both ways in the dark? Can you book a hotel room near the hospital? It depends how bad the snow is where you are as to whether the trip will be possible. There are certainly parts of the UK where roads become impassable in heavy snow.

NotWithMyShoes · 08/02/2021 14:08

What would happen if you didn't pick him up? Would he be able to stay there?
Does your car have summer or winter tyres on? I wouldn't be driving in the snow in summer tyres. Maybe a taxi would be safer?

nancyclancy123 · 08/02/2021 14:08

I’d pick him up and I’d expect my dh to pick me up too.
I’d be having words regarding the shouting though!!

Coffeeandaride · 08/02/2021 14:08

I'd be planning to pick him up, you don't know what the conditions will be if it is later this week and it might be out of your comfort to drive in snow, but he has just had a GA.
If its that bad, how will he get there? How will staff get there?

If you dropped him off for the appointment and it snowed heavily before the evening, getting a taxi might be the result - but I don't think you can plan that now.

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 14:09

OP says the operation has already been rescheduled once to fit around his work commitments, so it clearly was possible when it suited him.

raeya · 08/02/2021 14:09

If the weather is that bad he won't be able to get to the hospital to get the op in the first place?
As a fellow poster I'd get there early, drive slow in daylight conditions and prepare to stay in a hotel together if things get worse,or you aren't happy to drive back. If you're there early and he knows, maybe they'd let him leave earlier

PawPawNoodle · 08/02/2021 14:09

@hurryupsummer2 we live rurally and the route includes country roads and hills that are often shut due to snow

Right so it's reasonable to deduce that you live somewhere that gets snow often, if roads and hills are shut (I've never heard of this happening). Why haven't you learned to drive in snow if this is the case? Why do you live somewhere that you can't leave if it snows? Do you drive if it rains?

You should pick your husband up, your views on whether the op is necessary or urgent are completely irrelevant as you are neither the patient or his doctor. You have the skills and tools to get him home safely and should do it because it is the kind thing to do and yes, is something I would expect from a partner.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/02/2021 14:09

I don't like driving in the snow either. But I would pick a family member up from the hospital after an operation in snow as long as the roads were passable. If they weren't passable then a taxi wouldn't be able to get through either.

I would prefer to be collected from hospital by someone who cares about me rather than a taxi driver too.

Do you have any friends or family who drive a 4 wheel drive that would pick him up? That would be a better option than a taxi I think.

bitheby · 08/02/2021 14:10

@DinosaurDiana

What do you think happens to people who have no one to pick them up, the people that live alone and have no friends or relatives ? They go home in a taxi.

I was told this wouldn't be allowed so I put a pathetic plea on Facebook and someone I barely knew took an hour trip out of their way especially to come and collect me.

bitheby · 08/02/2021 14:11

We're friends now. I couldn't believe someone could be that kind.

Cadent · 08/02/2021 14:11

@Lockheart

You can't be serious.

It's an operation (which presumably he needs because he's in pain or his life is being otherwise adversely affected), not a sporting fixture. The NHS is overstretched as it is and it won't be easily rescheduled.

What is controlling is expecting your partner to move a medical necessity to suit you and refusing to help them if they don't.

Yes, I'm serious. The problem with posts from people like you is you don't READ or BELIEVE the OP.

OP says the operation isn't urgent.
The OP says the operation can be moved.
The OP says the operation isn't time critical.
The OP is a nervous driver and very worried about having an accident.
The OP lives rurally where country roads and hills are often shut due to snow.
The OP does not want to take the chance and do the drive under these circumstances.

Try reading what OP is saying instead of making baseless asuumptions.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 14:12

@hurryupsummer2

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

I wouldn't for the same reason as you.
Esspee · 08/02/2021 14:12

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.
It does sound as though your marriage is the problem.

You shouldn’t be driving in such conditions and he shouldn’t be bullying you to do something which puts you at risk.

Brefugee · 08/02/2021 14:12

I can’t imagine leaving someone I loved, coming round from a GA and probably in pain to get and pay for a taxi. Yes he shouldn’t be shouting at you but he probably feels uncared for.

I can't imagine shouting at someone i loved to force them to do something they are extremely nervous about that could have fatal consequences.

Re winter tyres: I'm in Germany. We all pretty much have winter tyres from October to easter. Some people see that as carte blanche to drive like a wanker because "winter tyres". Others see them for what they are, pretty much the minimum extra you need in winter. And still when we have the first big snows, before the gritters get out, or if we get a storm warning and big snow dump the advice is: don't drive unless it is absolutely necessary.

Nervous drivers don't help anyone.

OP do you know anyone who could drive you in your car?

Chanandlerbong01 · 08/02/2021 14:12

Don’t do it. I live rurally too and I understand how you feel. Our roads are not gritted and the amount of people that would get stuck/have accidents is ridiculous. For the last couple of years they have started closing the roads when it is unsafe. They do that to reduce risk of injury as the roads are impassible not because of the slight inconvenience from needing to slow down.
My car is not built for snow, I’m not confident driving in snow, me choosing to go out and drive in it would potentially add more work for emergency services if I got into trouble, also putting them at risk.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing it then don’t, my partner would never expect me to drive if I didn’t feel comfortable. You know his condition and the area, nobody else here does so ignore their criticism.
The taxi round here would be a similar cost too, it’s the type of area where we have 2 taxis for a large area however and ring the drivers on their home number.

Fuhfeuucdr · 08/02/2021 14:13

I would want to pick my DH up if he’d had an operation.

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