To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

I think if ask 2 other questions. What would he do if it was you? You say about your car - does that mean he doesn't drive? So what would he do if it were you that needed collecting?

The second question is what would you do if you didn't drive /didn't have a car. You sound scared enough to me about driving in the snow that should be a consideration. Not everyone is OK with that kind of driving.

Shouting at you makes him an arsenal. How is he usually?

@Cluckycluck

I can see why he'd shout. He's clearly angry and upset that his wife doesn't want to collect him after having surgery. I'd be royally pissed off if my husband didn't want to pick me up after having surgery.

I hate driving in the snow, live rurally and the main roads round here never get gritted but I'd never consider saying no to picking my husband up after surgery. It would never occur to me to ask him to rearrange either.

This husband doesn't drive, so never likely to collect OP from anywhere, plus she is solely responsible for the cost of running the vehicle, which is clearly treated as a family car. That, plus the shouting, so much wrong here.

I wouldn't be happy at the shouting but depends if that is regular behaviour! I'm not keen on driving in snow as I've had an accident previously however I wouldn't dream of not collecting DH after an operation especially if he'd had GA.

Actually OP I agree with the previous poster; just reverse the situation for one second. You’re having an operation in the middle of a pandemic, wouldn’t you expect your DH to collect you from the hospital afterwards?
I’m a bit gobsmacked by this lack of caring, maybe I’m missing something and the conditions make it really dangerous to drive, but your suggestion to move the operation (!!!!!) makes me think it’s rather your behaviour that is the issue.
Don’t want to sound harsh but I really can’t see a valid reason why you wouldn’t pick up your husband. He’s family! You love him! It’s just snow!
I might be oblivious to how rural you live and the danger of the roads, I hope I am...

I'm torn. I would 100% expect to pick DH up after surgery (and in many cases the patient can't be discharged without an escort home). And it is not easy to reschedule surgery at short notice, it is a massive waste of resources which would cost either the NHS or him/his insurance thousands. So in general I think you are being odd.

But....once anyone has shouted at me and told me what I WILL do, then on principle I WILL tell them to go fuck themselves. So his behaviour lets you off the hook.

Sounds like a strange relationship...

How is he getting there???

@Powerplant

I used to work on a day surgery unit and pre op patients were told to arrange to have someone responsible to drive them home due to the anaesthetic. You can’t expect a taxi driver to be responsible for a post op patient. I would also suggest if you don’t want to drive, to either ask a friend or relative or to take a taxi yourself to pick him up.

Yes, this. So you'll have to go in a taxi both ways to pick him up if you don't want to drive.

He won't be allowed to leave without someone after a general anaesthetic. Definitely a taxi won't be allowed.

I had an op two years ago and my then boyfriend offered to pay for a taxi because he didn't want to leave work early. I don't think our relationship was ever the same after that.

I’d 100% pick up DH after an operation and I’d expect he’d do the same for me.

He shouldn’t shout at you though, that’s not on.

It’s not difficult to drive in the snow, perhaps if you had some practice you wouldn’t feel so nervous.

Will the hospital let him leave in a taxi after a GA? DH has had both a GA and sedation for procedures, the latter during covid, and the hospital were absolutely clear they would only allow him to leave with a competent adult, and that a taxi driver didn't count (whether I should count is another thread....)

I categorically wouldn't pick him up, because he shouted at you.

I would pick up my husband, because he doesn't shout at me.

I have been with my husband for 27 years (we started young!) and he has never once shouted at me. Never. This is not odd, it should be a normal way of communicating in an adult relationship. Do not be browbeaten into thinking that having someone shouting at you in your own home is in any way ok.

If you don't feel safe driving, I don't think you should drive.
A taxi will be fine. They won't discharge him if he's too unwell to take a taxi.

Actually OP I agree with the previous poster; just reverse the situation for one second. You’re having an operation in the middle of a pandemic, wouldn’t you expect your DH to collect you from the hospital afterwards?

He wouldn't be able to pick me up... he can't drive.
When I've had procedures I pay for taxis or pay a friend to help me.

I detest driving in snow but there’s no way I wouldn’t collect him. You just take it slowly and carefully.

OP could "expect" what she likes Peepshow, but she wouldn't get it because he doesn't drive. So what would OP do in this situation? She doesn't feel able to drive in these conditions, which isn't so different from someone who's never learned to drive.

I can understand where you are coming from. One of the most terrifying bits of driving I ever did was in snow, at night, on unlit country lanes. (With my two day old baby).

People driving in bad conditions they aren't experienced in causes accidents. It's easy to say that you'd always pick your spouse up. But it's the weather causing the issue here.

Yabu. I can't imagine not picking up my husband after surgery. If i was your husband I'd feel very upset by your attitude. Just take your time & drive extra zephyr carefully.

All the people saying he wouldn't be allowed to leave in a taxi, what would someone (like OP) who doesn't have a driving partner do?

Sorry don't know how a random zephyr got into that sentence!

You're ignoring the 2 key points several posters have made.

1. How is he getting there in the morning.
2. Will the hospital actually let him leave in a taxi. That's not an option where I live if a patient has had GA.

I can see why he'd shout.

Never any reason for shouting. They are both adults. He should be able to run through the options without raising his voice.

If DH knew I didn't think my car and my driving were up to it, he may think I was being a bit of a wuss but he would not be shouting to bully me into doing something I don't want to do.

Unconfident nervous driver in snow conditions is just asking for trouble. What is the plan if roads are closed ?

I'm sorry for anyone who is bullied into doing things they do not feel up to. It's no way to live.

How is he getting there? @hurryupsummer2 you seem to be avoiding this question

Driver ability is key though. I don’t know why so many people can’t be arsed to learn how to drive in snow.

Well @DicklessWonder it depends where you live, we haven't had snow since the Beast from the East in 2018 and when I saw cars sliding down my street thought it unwise to join them unless I had to.

If I weren't comfortable driving there I'd get myself to the hospital and get a taxi home with DH.
I've actually done this before (but not due to snow), due to the fact I could sit and keep him as comfortable as possible on the journey home after major surgery.

He absolutely shouldn't have shouted at you OP, but yes, in the same boat I would pick my DP up - and I'm an extremely nervous and inexperienced driver but I would want to be there for him, particularly after a GA. In fact, I'm not sure hospitals even release you after a GA unless there's someone meeting you who will be responsible for you - and no, a taxi driver couldn't be put in that position.

What does he think husbands do? Force their wives to do things they don't want to?

If he wants you to pick him up from the hospital, that's one thing. You could get a taxi there and back, if you don't feel safe to drive.

You have a bigger issue, though, which is that your husband orders you around. This can't be the first time. If you were generally respected in your relationship, you wouldn't be posting this here, you'd be talking through with him why he's suddenly being so bossy.

Does he often dismiss your feelings, @hurryupsummer2?