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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 08/02/2021 13:37

This is basically the 'in sickness' but of the vows...

EmmaGellerGreen · 08/02/2021 13:37

Are you sure that he could go home in a taxi? When I collected both my mum and DH after minor operations under GA, they were told that someone had to collect them.

Daisy95 · 08/02/2021 13:37

Just to let you know he won’t easily be able to get it moved if it’s through the NHS. I work in theatres and the waiting lists are massive!

Godimabitch · 08/02/2021 13:38

Depends how bad the snow is and none of us know. If there's a real chance of you having an accident or getting stuck then it's probably not for the best.

I would pick my husband up, but he doesn't shout at me, and he wouldn't want me driving in dangerous conditions.

Toorapid · 08/02/2021 13:38

I would probably go, but if I was worried enough to be prepared to pay £70 for a taxi, DH would be fine with that, in fact he'd probably agree it was for the best.

I certainly wouldn't expect to be shouted at for it.

FWIW the route into the hospital will be clear.

What's the operation and why doesn't he drive? I know he couldn't today, but it's a bit much to be insisting you should, if he never has IMO. What would you have to do if it was you who needed to get home after an op, regardless of snow?

Lockheart · 08/02/2021 13:41

@Cadent

The key thing is it can be easily moved. He sounds like a controlling arse.

Trust your instincts OP.

Tell him he either moves the appt or gets a taxi.

You can't be serious.

It's an operation (which presumably he needs because he's in pain or his life is being otherwise adversely affected), not a sporting fixture. The NHS is overstretched as it is and it won't be easily rescheduled.

What is controlling is expecting your partner to move a medical necessity to suit you and refusing to help them if they don't.

rose69 · 08/02/2021 13:41

OP if you are nervous and have not driven in snow then stick to your guns. You have a bit of time to research taxis. Driving is dangerous in the snow and whilst roads near the hospital will be gritted non of us knows what your local roads will be like.

Original poster
hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:41

It isn't an urgent operation, and yes it could be moved (can't say what it is as its outing, but it's something not many people would have as it's related to a condition). It isn't time critical and it was going to happen in April, but he wanted it earlier because it's quieter at work in February. But that's all besides the point. I'm very worried about having an accident, we live rurally and the route includes country roads and hills that are often shut due to snow. I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all Sad

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 08/02/2021 13:41

I do see he shouldn't shout, but I think you're wrong to expect him to move an operation or to take a taxi. The last thing anyone who's had surgery needs is bouncing around in a taxi with someone they don't know, while they feel all groggy.

If it is so snowy that roads are closed you will need to make contingency plans. It does sound as if that's a realistic risk. I don't know if you're allowed to have a friend or family member drive to get him/take him into their house under these circumstances but it'd be worth trying to find out.

Does he not know you are anxious about driving in snow/ice? What had you decided before you saw the weather forecast?

SpiceRat · 08/02/2021 13:42

I can’t imagine leaving someone I loved, coming round from a GA and probably in pain to get and pay for a taxi. Yes he shouldn’t be shouting at you but he probably feels uncared for. Would he do this for you? Just because he “could” easily move this (do his even know if this possible?) doesn’t mean he should.

You should probably also learn to drive in adverse weather, if you’re out and the weather turns you need to be fully in control and not anxious about the conditions.

MintyMabel · 08/02/2021 13:42

Routes to hospitals will be clear and gritted bit it may mean going via a longer route.

How can you possibly know if her entire route will be gritted and clear?

If I had to go to our local hospital right now, at least half the route would be untreated.

OP, tell him you are sending a taxi and his choice is to get in it or not.

Ignore all the "wifely duty" comments.

2020Peepshow · 08/02/2021 13:43

You would move his operation because you find it inconvenient to drive in the snow? Hmm
How peculiar especially when hospitals are full of covid patients, he is lucky he can have this operation at all.
He shouldn’t have shouted but if it’s out of character, was probably exasperated at your reaction of not wanting to pick him up from the hospital, which I can understand.
If reaaaally you’re that scared, no one forces you though. But if you want MN to say “it’s ok love he’s an ass”, I don’t think that’s very fair on your DH.

Letshavesometea · 08/02/2021 13:44

I would pick him up but I wouldn't want my husband to get in a taxi with a stranger after surgery and a general anaesthetic.

CompleteBarstool · 08/02/2021 13:44

Are some of you missing this bit from the OP - he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. ?

Plus the fact the OP is not confident about driving a long distance in the snow in a car that's not designed for it.

OP, is there anyone you or your DH know who could pick him up ideally in a 4x4 but basically anyone who doesn't mind driving in adverse weather conditions? Friend, neighbour, relative?

LIZS · 08/02/2021 13:45

Hospital access routes are Priority 1. Of course it may be that op lives rurally and has to use lanes to get to main road.

DicklessWonder · 08/02/2021 13:45

I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

All cars can be driven in snow. Confused

Cluckycluck · 08/02/2021 13:45

I can see why he'd shout. He's clearly angry and upset that his wife doesn't want to collect him after having surgery. I'd be royally pissed off if my husband didn't want to pick me up after having surgery.

I hate driving in the snow, live rurally and the main roads round here never get gritted but I'd never consider saying no to picking my husband up after surgery. It would never occur to me to ask him to rearrange either.

Original poster
hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:46

Yes I would have to use rural lanes to get to the main roads

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 08/02/2021 13:46

You clearly aren’t happy to do it and I have sympathy with that, I don’t like night driving on country roads either.

I would note that two people I know have recently had day surgery and both were very sick afterwards which I believe is due to anaesthesia being used due to COVID. The second friend is a senior nurse and told me this so I believe it.

Of course this may not be the case for your DH but in both cases it has significantly delayed discharge. 9pm is pretty late anyway, what time is he going in?

Letshavesometea · 08/02/2021 13:47

I don't blame him for shouting when he probably feels like his wife doesn't care

DicklessWonder · 08/02/2021 13:47

Plus the fact the OP is not confident about driving a long distance in the snow in a car that's not designed for it.

All cars can be driven in snow.

OP, is there anyone you or your DH know who could pick him up ideally in a 4x4 but basically anyone who doesn't mind driving in adverse weather conditions? Friend, neighbour, relative?

There is nothing magical about a 4x4 in snow. Fat tyres are not best for driving in snow, for one, and being heavier they will struggle to correct slips quickly.

Best car in snow is a Fiat Panda with skinny tyres.

Driver ability is key though. I don’t know why so many people can’t be arsed to learn how to drive in snow.

Powerplant · 08/02/2021 13:47

I used to work on a day surgery unit and pre op patients were told to arrange to have someone responsible to drive them home due to the anaesthetic. You can’t expect a taxi driver to be responsible for a post op patient. I would also suggest if you don’t want to drive, to either ask a friend or relative or to take a taxi yourself to pick him up.

Leeds2 · 08/02/2021 13:48

I wouldn't have driven in the circumstances you describe to pick my Ex up, nor - given my driving ability - would he have expected me to. He would've come home in a taxi.
I am certain he would've picked me up though, but his driving ability is considerably better, and safer.

DinosaurDiana · 08/02/2021 13:48

And you still haven’t answered the question - who is taking him there in the morning ?

Cluckycluck · 08/02/2021 13:48

If it was the other way round and a husband was refusing to pick his wife up after surgery and was telling her to get in a taxi home this thread would be completely different. Everyone would be up in arms that a man was putting a woman in a taxi after GA.

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