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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 10/02/2021 17:05

@LilMidge01

Think about how youre feeling when thinking about driving...worried and anxious right? so much so that you've come here looking for reassurance.

he is having an op. No matter how minor going under GA is still scary and a risk. So imagine he's feeling 5 x more worried and anxious than you are...and he's expecting reassurance and support from you (not seeking it out on mumsnet) and you're effectively telling him your anxiety is more important.....

No. She's telling him that she doesn't want to kill them both by driving when the conditions aren't safe and she's not comfortable.

If somebody had had a drink, wasn't over the limit, but felt unsafe, would you insist that they drive you somewhere?

Eckhart · 10/02/2021 17:07

@LilMidge01

Also, in a very practical sense, OP's anxiety is more important here. Unless either of them is simply able to switch off their anxiety, DH's will just stay 'his anxiety', whereas OP's, if he insists that she drives, could turn into a fatal accident.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 10/02/2021 17:11

So annoying when someone who doesn't drive tells someone who does what is an acceptable journey to make!

Stick to your guns OP.

You are not happy to drive. End of.

He can afford a taxi considering how much he has saved on train journeys or he can postpone.

Eckhart · 10/02/2021 17:13

@hurryupsummer2

You're talking complete sense. There are some peculiar comments on this thread from people who think that having a license isn't enough to deem you able to drive (and, moreover, that they know better), and that people who are not the driver should be able to decide whether or not the driver drives.

You have a very valid reason for not wanting to do this drive, and your husband is being horribly disrespectful to try to push you into doing something that he wants, despite the fact that you think and feel that it's dangerous.

Have you decided what you'll do? What would your husband say if you simply stuck to 'I'm not driving you to the hospital if the route is icy.' and don't waver?

rookiemere · 10/02/2021 17:25

Honestly some people have strange ideas !

No wanting to drive in unsafe weather conditions is not anxiety, it's absolutely sensible. DH refused to drive DS somewhere today as last night picking him up the car skidded numerous times and our street is ungritted, and that's only a 3 mile drive.DH is a confident experienced driver and was unwilling to take the risk. If the bin-man in a big lorry can't get there - as OP has Said - that's a bit of a clue that it's not passable.

Bertiebiscuit · 10/02/2021 17:48

Seems crazy to put you both in danger when a one off taxi would be safer - & where does he get off shouting at you - I would refuse to do anything on principle if his response is to be abusive - why are you with him in fact?

Tas1984 · 10/02/2021 17:52

He shouted at you???! Ermmm surely there’s a bigger underlining issue here that you seem to not want to address. No you don’t have to pick him up. Don’t risk your life for someone who talks to you that way. If he is unwilling to change his appointment then tell him it’s up to him to figure out how to get back. You’re not killing your self all because he doesn’t want to change his appointment.

Ilovewolfblass · 10/02/2021 18:07

Pick him up! WTF?

Sunsunsun1 · 10/02/2021 18:10

I also totally hear you not wanting to drive in the snow. If you aren't confident you absolutely shouldn't drive!!! It dosent mean you didnt want to collect him its just you dont want to drive in the conditions you dont feel safe in.. is there a member of family that could collect him are you in a bubble with anyone? If not I think it's fair to say if you dont feel confident a taxi is your option.

CleanAndPaidFor · 10/02/2021 18:11

Honestly it sounds like neither of you cares much about the other.

dementedmummy · 10/02/2021 18:12

So let me get this straight:

  • DH wont contribute towards the car because he doesnt drive it but presumably reeps the benefits of it when you go to the shops etc
  • he wants you to drive more than a 5 min journey to collect him from hospital
  • DH considers you to be unreasonable in not picking him up in a vehicle he refuses to contribute too
  • he has saved say £1500 over the last year in working from home on travel costs

While i can understand both he and the hospital wanting him to be collected by a person post GA op, he is being entirely unreasonable here and should be paying for a taxi to collect you, bring you to the hospital and take you both back again.

From your point of view, i would use this snowy time to get used to driving in snow. Even just a mile or so round trip whereby of you get stuck or freak out, you can park the car and walk home and get the car later

Runnerduck34 · 10/02/2021 18:15

I can see why you are anxious about it, but really he does need collecting from hospital and unless there is an absolute blizzard it would be very unreasonable to expect him to cancel it.
However, if he knows how anxious you are he is being horrible, not to mention unreasonable, to shout at you, is this normal or do you think its maybe its because he is anxious about his operation?
I think a taxi is a good compromise and you would not be unreasonable to organise one for him instead of picking him up yourself if you are really really worried, however if roads are very bad a taxi may cancel the booking. Do you think he wants you to go because he might really want you to hold his hand?
We have had a fair bit of snow but the roads are passable, you just need to go slow and steady. Without really knowing how bad the roads are in your area its hard to comment, but it might not be as bad as you think, seeing what other cars are on the road would give you a good indication. Are you still getting post delivered etc? Hope it works out and the snow is clears for you

WinstonWolf · 10/02/2021 18:15

If it's so bad that bin lorries can't get through then surely a taxi won't be able to get through either?

I'd also be very surprised if his anticipated journeys on public transport are unaffected.

Eleganz · 10/02/2021 18:17

He is having an non emergency procedure to suit himself at a time when weather is poor.

A decent man would defer.
But he's a selfish arse on every level.

Given that we don't know what the procedure is, I think that is pretty judgemental.

Just because it is a non-urgent procedure by NHS standards doesn't mean that it is not important or that the individual is not experiencing pain, discomfort or other issues that would be better resolved sooner rather than later.

I find the whole thread a bit ridiculous that it has descended into discussions of this man not being entitled to a lift because he doesn't pay for the car or can't drive himself or because he is not paying for train tickets. Or indeed that he was angry that she has refused, days in advance to pick him up after the operation.

He is her husband. Perhaps MNers should put themselves in a similar position that their partners were going in for an op under GA and wanted a lift back home. Would you refuse days in advance because the road conditions might be bad or would you say "yes" and then if the conditions were too bad to drive arrange alternative arrangements at the time? I know it would be the latter for me and I would be mightily unimpressed if it wasn't the same for my DP if I was in that situation.

August1980 · 10/02/2021 18:19

I would pick up too. We just seem to come through for each other like that. But you know your relationship best. Is your car equipped with all weather tyres? Do you need snow chains? He should not be shouting at you nor should he move a medical appointment because it inconveniences you.

Bilson · 10/02/2021 18:20

@BertramLacey

You can tell from driving behind a car that they might be a nervous driver and it does make for the worse driving and prone to mistakes.

You can tell from being tailgated by wankers how many aggressive and over-confident drivers are around. They cannot stick to the basics of obeying the speed limits (I'm frequently overtaken whilst doing 28-30 in 30 zones); being able to stop in the distance they can see to be clear and leaving enough stopping distance between them and the car in front. These are the people you see wrapped around trees and upside down in ditches, puzzled as to how their luck ran out. Your luck didn't run out - your skill did.

Well said, Bertram.

I am a confident and experienced driver, but I don't drive in anything other than a tiny bit of snow. We rarely have snow where I live, and I wouldn't be proposing to practise with a 50 mile hospital run if I were in the OP's situation.

Choosing not to take an unnecessary risk doesn't make you a "nervous driver".

VK456 · 10/02/2021 18:20

I do sympathise with you, OP. Driving in snow and ice absolutely terrifies me, too. My daughter, like most drivers, tootles around with no problems and finds it difficult to understand. I’ve even told employers that I’m terrified and that I just cannot drive in it. Some people are terrified of spiders and snakes. I’m terrified of driving in snow and ice. It’s just the way it is, unfortunately.

Hyppogriff · 10/02/2021 18:21

Of course you should pick him up!

Nearly47 · 10/02/2021 18:21

I get what you mean OP. I am a nervous driver too and would feel the same. Its dificult for other people to understand the fear. No advice other than trying a route that go through main roads more likely to be gritted or go by taxi or public transport and get a taxi back together.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 10/02/2021 18:23

@Hyppogriff

Of course you should pick him up!
Even if the OP is worried she might crash her car and die or be seriously injured?

His need for a lift trumps that does it? Why?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 10/02/2021 18:23

Local train network in the area my family are in has not been running for 3 days.

Most of the small roads are still impassable with snow drifts and / or sheer ice.

A family member with an important hospital appointment 25 miles away had to turn back this morning because of conditions on an A road.

If the OP is in Suffolk / Norfolk, it really is a nightmare.

Oh, and trees are falling across the road due to the weight of snow and ice.

thebestnamehere · 10/02/2021 18:24

@InkyPinkyPonky95

Id pick my DP up after an operation. No clue why you'd expect him to move his surgery to make your life easier... that's a bit.. bratty. If you're worried just drive slow, the roads will be quiet at 9pm. I spent a week in hospital and my DP rushed me to hospital, visited every single evening and took me home a week later. The night I was admitted he went home at 2am and came back at 4 am with a fluffy pillow, clothes and things to comfort me. And still went to work in the morning. He's hardly asking much of you to pick him up from the hospital. He probably feels a bit unloved right now!!
Its snowing. Or did you not READ THE POST??HmmHmmHmm
Bilson · 10/02/2021 18:26

@Hyppogriff

Of course you should pick him up!
Have you taken in that he's a knob?
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 10/02/2021 18:27

@August1980

I would pick up too. We just seem to come through for each other like that. But you know your relationship best. Is your car equipped with all weather tyres? Do you need snow chains? He should not be shouting at you nor should he move a medical appointment because it inconveniences you.
Have you got snow chains? In a regular U.K. location that doesn’t routinely experience severe drifts and ice?
Mba1974 · 10/02/2021 18:32

If you are not comfortable driving in snow during the day, and you will have to drive on remote rural roads (where if you have an accident at night the chances of a passerby finding you are low, and the chances of you dying from injury or hypothermia are high) absolutely do not drive at 9pm at night.. it will be icy, visibility will be poor and not helped by snow glare from headlights, and you will be terrified. I say this as someone absolutely confident driving in the snow.. I do not understand this “he’s your husband he needs you, he deserves to be picked up regardless of your feelings crap..” He’s a grown arse adult who made a conscious decision to go through with a non emergency operation to suit himself with no way of getting himself to or from hospital who can afford to book a taxi... We don’t become one being just because we are married, I’d tell my husband to get a taxi home because of work commitments never mind something that frightened me as much as this obviously frightens you.. luckily he would ask first, and make arrangements afterwards as would I.. There is little more telling than a man who shouts “because that’s what wives do”! Please don’t do anything you feel unsafe doing... but... do try driving in the snow during the day in the future with a supportive, experienced passenger so you conquer your fear x

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