To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

@MsHedgehog

OP - is there any reason you can't get a taxi there and back? If you actually want to support your husband after his surgery, and you don't want to drive, then surely that's the next best thing?

It's good that nobody had suggested that in the previous 851 comments.

@Lweji Absolutely yes, regularly. It's either that or don't go to work and don't get paid.

@Lweji

I'd expect my partner to make some effort to go slightly out of their way or their comfort zone, if I had an operation and was in hospital and needed to come home. I just keep thinking neither of this pair like each other very much.

It looks like the OP is following her partner's lead. Did you spot what he does when she's had to go back from hospital?

Also, you do seem to have a spare hour or two and a half.
Always better to check the OP's posts before you end up wasting your precious time arguing with pps on a thread because you didn't check the OP's posts.

OK, I got really curious and I'm relaxing now so I looked back, expecting to see some description by the OP of her DH refusing to pick her up from hospital in the past. Instead all I find out is that he can't drive and the OP is a very nervous driver. The OP also thinks he could have postponed the operation but he hasn't because this is a quiet time at his work and therefore a good time to have an operation.

So I still think its a shame for someone having an operation to have to pay to go home in a taxi when there is a family member with access to a car. Having an operation can leave you feeling quite sore, a bit disoriented and sick, and I wouldn't welcome a long journey in a taxi costing me a fortune. But if the OP is that nervous and really cannot overcome it, then obviously its all impossible.

There do seem to be a lot of unsurmountable obstacles in the OPs way. No access to toilets or cafes - I would use a toilet in a supermarket and buy a sandwich.

@NobdieTheNob

Hahaha you're so funny...

I was actually one of the first to suggest it very early on in this thread but OP never once answered the question, hence why I asked again. But please, keep trying to be smart!

Op has said that her DH doesn't want to pay for a taxi, or a taxi both ways, or a night in a hotel. Or towards the car he wants to ride in.

He hasn't collected her from hospital, and has left OP to organise that with friends.

What, for collecting their own husband from hospital after an operation?

I'm all for being a glass half full kind of person, but sometimes you do need to look at the realities of the situation. That particular pp said she would drive her old crap car up steep, snowy, untreated roads. It is precisely the kind of behaviour that the emergency services warn against.

I'm sure you'll have a massive audience. Perhaps you could conduct Zoom sessions on it - "Telling People How to Browse the Internet in 110 Obvious and Patronising Ways".

Would you like some aloe vera? You appear to be a little burned. The thing with pointing out the bleeding obvious is that sometimes people haven't worked it out. 30 pages into a thread and your choices are: don't join in; join in but at least read the OP's posts; get your arse handed to you on a plate because you didn't bother RTFT and missed vital information. It was your choice to go for the last.

I will. Thank you.

@MsHedgehog

Genuine question. Not goading, just want to understand.

If they don’t have a shared bank account (and OP hasn’t explained why so could range from their mutual decision to control over money), why is it such a big deal that he doesn’t pay for the insurance if he doesn’t drive the car?

DH and I haven’t been married long, so we don’t have a shared bank account yet, but I pay for my insurance on my car, which he actually drives sometimes, and I don’t see what’s wrong with that or why we must share.

Why is OP’s husband not paying for the insurance a sign of him being a dick?

OPS dh doesn't drive but benefits from the car and expects use of the car so absolutely should contribute. Just because he isnt behind the steering wheel doesn't mean he doesn't use it. Its the households only car. Hes also expecting his wife to drive in dangerous conditions that make accidents more likely. If she does have an accident, her insurance premiums will go up. He doesn't pay towards the premiums so this won't affect him, only his wife. Its easy for him to expect her to drive when he doesn't have to do it, has no knowledge of what it's like driving in bad conditions and when the financial implications don't impact him - and in fact save him the money of paying for a taxi.

There do seem to be a lot of unsurmountable obstacles in the OPs way. No access to toilets or cafes - I would use a toilet in a supermarket and buy a sandwich.

There are no toilets in the nearby supermarkets to the hospital - there is only a Co-op which has no public toilet. The nearest big supermarket is over 5 miles away from the hospital. But regardless, I'm not going to sit in a car in sub-zero temperatures for 8+ hours, and wee in bushes.

I haven't read whole thread. But I also refuse to drive in snow. I am very nervous driver. I'm lucky as never 'have ' to drive where i live. But in your situation I would feel the same. I have been 'bullied ' into stepping out of my driving comfort zone before and absolutely know my limitations. I really hope you find a solution as I feel for you.

PADH OPS dh doesn't drive but benefits from the car and expects use of the car so absolutely should contribute. Just because he isnt behind the steering wheel doesn't mean he doesn't use it. Its the households only car. Hes also expecting his wife to drive in dangerous conditions that make accidents more likely. If she does have an accident, her insurance premiums will go up. He doesn't pay towards the premiums so this won't affect him, only his wife. Its easy for him to expect her to drive when he doesn't have to do it, has no knowledge of what it's like driving in bad conditions and when the financial implications don't impact him - and in fact save him the money of paying for a taxi.

Yes, I do see. But surely you put yourself out for people you love - family members and friends.

@GreenlandTheMovie

PADH OPS dh doesn't drive but benefits from the car and expects use of the car so absolutely should contribute. Just because he isnt behind the steering wheel doesn't mean he doesn't use it. Its the households only car. Hes also expecting his wife to drive in dangerous conditions that make accidents more likely. If she does have an accident, her insurance premiums will go up. He doesn't pay towards the premiums so this won't affect him, only his wife. Its easy for him to expect her to drive when he doesn't have to do it, has no knowledge of what it's like driving in bad conditions and when the financial implications don't impact him - and in fact save him the money of paying for a taxi.

Yes, I do see. But surely you put yourself out for people you love - family members and friends.

Put yourself out. Yes. Put yourself and others in danger. No.

But surely you put yourself out for people you love - family members and friends

If there was no snow I would do it no question. But 'putting myself out' doesn't extend to risking my life and others around me...

There do seem to be a lot of unsurmountable obstacles in the OPs way. No access to toilets or cafes - I would use a toilet in a supermarket and buy a sandwich.

You would sit in your car for 8 hours in sub zero temperatures for a man who left you to get a taxi home alone in the same situation? (He could have met her in a taxi, or organised a lift with a friend, got public transport- all of which the OP is being asked to do, so not being able to drive isn't a valid excuse.)

@PADH

I get that, but we have no idea how their finances are split generally. That's why I'm genuinely baffled by the concept that he's an ass because he won't pay for the insurance. There's a lot of missing information and him not paying for insurance doesn't mean he's not paying for other expenses in their life, or that they don't split living costs on a 50 / 50 basis, and so on. I could very well be wrong and if so, I understand why, but OP hasn't explained any of that.

@MsHedgehog

Genuine question. Not goading, just want to understand.

If they don’t have a shared bank account (and OP hasn’t explained why so could range from their mutual decision to control over money), why is it such a big deal that he doesn’t pay for the insurance if he doesn’t drive the car?

DH and I haven’t been married long, so we don’t have a shared bank account yet, but I pay for my insurance on my car, which he actually drives sometimes, and I don’t see what’s wrong with that or why we must share.

Why is OP’s husband not paying for the insurance a sign of him being a dick?

It wouldn't be a big deal on its own (maybe).

He doesn't make any contribution at all. He doesn't pay for the car itself, the petrol, the insurance, the repairs or anything else because 'he doesn't drive it so doesn't see why he should'. Yet demands that the OP operates as his personal taxi service and gives him a free ride home - when he's also too tight to pay for a commercial taxi.

Basically he wants to have a four tier gateaux and eat it.

@GreenlandTheMovie

PADH OPS dh doesn't drive but benefits from the car and expects use of the car so absolutely should contribute. Just because he isnt behind the steering wheel doesn't mean he doesn't use it. Its the households only car. Hes also expecting his wife to drive in dangerous conditions that make accidents more likely. If she does have an accident, her insurance premiums will go up. He doesn't pay towards the premiums so this won't affect him, only his wife. Its easy for him to expect her to drive when he doesn't have to do it, has no knowledge of what it's like driving in bad conditions and when the financial implications don't impact him - and in fact save him the money of paying for a taxi.

Yes, I do see. But surely you put yourself out for people you love - family members and friends.

Not when they don't reciprocate and the route is extremely hazardous. I live rural, with the roads the OP is describing. At the minute I wouldn't be driving anywhere for anyone. I love my husband to bits, but it simply isn't safe. How much I love him is irrelevant. It isn't safe. And my husband also wouldn't ask. No way would he expect me to lift him in these conditions, and would insist that I didn't if I tried. We would arrange something else - a taxi, hotel, a lift, staying over in a near by relatives house, postponing the surgery. Anything.

Have you got a volunteer 4x4 response team in your area? We have here and are usually good at helping out in these type of situations.

There are roads in Suffolk with 8’ of snow from drifting.

An ambulance in Beccles was stuck in snow. It took 20 locals to dig it out.
Mi expect ambulance drivers are experienced and confident....

I'm with you, OP. I wouldn't want to drive in the snow and if I was the one having an operation, I wouldn't want anyone driving in the snow for me. I'd move the operation no question.

Have you decided what you're going to do?

I'm with you @hurryupsummer2, I wouldn't pick my DH up in conditions like that. It's genuinely risky.
But, hasn't he been told that he must be collected by someone? Over the last few years DH and I have needed sedation for various minor things, and we've always had to accompany each other home (and sign something to say that we would agree to do so). So you may be required to pick him up anyway (though that could be via taxi)

@emilyfrost

YABU and selfish. You can’t just have an operation moved because your wife is too scared to drive

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

I don't like driving on motorways. So I don't. I'm a better fucking driver than half the people I see daily. Tailgating, speeding, I bet they are over confident. Pricks. There is a difference between being a bit anxious about certain situations (and therefore avoiding them) than trembling at 5mph.

@CheshireCats

Op, I live in a very rural area that is extremely hilly (gradient warning signs on local roads) I have a small, old car that is rubbish. However, despite this I would 100% go and pick my husband up from hospital after a GA, snowing or not.

Utter tosh. No way would you drive if the snow was too deep or the road wasn't clear. You couldn't! You'd have no traction and unless you fitted a snowplough blade you probably wouldn't get through.

Well he doesn't want to get a taxi due to the cost. Well he's stuffed then. Neither of you sound very practical, resourceful or loving. A match made in heaven.