To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

[quote MsHedgehog]@PADH

I get that, but we have no idea how their finances are split generally. That's why I'm genuinely baffled by the concept that he's an ass because he won't pay for the insurance. There's a lot of missing information and him not paying for insurance doesn't mean he's not paying for other expenses in their life, or that they don't split living costs on a 50 / 50 basis, and so on. I could very well be wrong and if so, I understand why, but OP hasn't explained any of that.[/quote]
He is not an ass for not paying insurance, he is an ass for not paying towards the car because he doesn’t drive it, but expecting it to be a family car (with driver) when he needs a drive. He can’t have it both ways.

I shouldn’t pay because I don’t drive- ok, but you don’t get the benefits from it, let alone dictate how I use it. The end.

OP = we don't have much snow where we are (couple of inches) but we do have sheet ice.(going to be -8C tonight) My boss at work yesterday drove his (new, heavy) car down a hill and was unable to stop or even control it. Luckily, there were no other cars on the road, or even parked at the side, otherwise they would have been wiped out. And even more luckily, he could stop at the bottom, where there is a junction, because that was salted - not before he had sailed straight into it.

And that is a decent car, experienced driver, daylight. And a huge amount of good luck.

I love my DP, but I wouldn't be driving in that 25 miles at night. I'd come up with something else - hotel overnight, car each way in daylight, put off the op, stay in hospital overnight.

It's too dangerous - and will be for HIM too, if you get caught in an accident on the way back after 9pm, in sub=zero temps, crappy car, doesn't matter how experienced you are.

@SpeckledyHen

Am I missing something? How is it OK for a taxi to get through the snow but not the OPs car ? Are they all 4x4s or have some magic powers ?

There’s no way I would want to be driven by a random person through snow drifts after an operation. Plus the obvious COVID risk whilst less than 100% healthy. It’s not fair to a taxi driver either to subject them to it .

The obvious thing to do is to postpone the operation as it’s not urgent.

LOL, no you are not missing anything.

In the areas badly affected by snow (here, where I am) taxis are not running. Because of the state of the B roads and lanes.

Which is why the OP is sensible not to go out unless it has improved.

@SpeckledyHen

Am I missing something? How is it OK for a taxi to get through the snow but not the OPs car ? Are they all 4x4s or have some magic powers ?

There’s no way I would want to be driven by a random person through snow drifts after an operation. Plus the obvious COVID risk whilst less than 100% healthy. It’s not fair to a taxi driver either to subject them to it .

The obvious thing to do is to postpone the operation as it’s not urgent.

Yes, you're missing the fact that OP is nervous about driving in the conditions, hasn't got much experience of it, and doesn't know the roads.

Calling a taxi doesn't force an unwilling taxi driver to do a job they don't want to. You offer them the job and they decide whether they want to do it or not. They are absolutely allowed to work during the current restrictions, and, whilst people might not take the risk for themselves, nobody should be not calling a taxi because of the risk to the poor driver. They want the work.

Eckhart I’m fully aware that taxi drivers can work during COVID . My son had taxis paid by M&S for 6 months to get him to work last year.

My point is that the road conditions won’t be any better for a taxi driver than anyone else . It will be dangerous for everyone on the road .
Of course the taxi driver can manage his/her own risk , but having a potentially ill person in the car at night, in adverse weather conditions with the added Covid risk is a step too far IMO.
I wouldn’t want to be the passenger, driver or person waiting at home quite frankly and would postpone the operation..

He is not an ass for not paying insurance, he is an ass for not paying towards the car because he doesn’t drive it, but expecting it to be a family car (with driver) when he needs a drive. He can’t have it both ways.

Depends how they split their finances. And how often he uses the car (I've checked all OP's posts- they don't say). If it's the odd one off like this and, particularly if he is paying a lot on public transport, I don't think it's unreasonable not to pay towards the car specifically, if other bills are fairly split.

In our house DH pays for a film subscription service because he uses it a lot. I've watched one film on it in the last 6 months or so. Neither of us think that this means that I must now pay towards it.

I find it frightening to read how many people are on the road with such little confidence in their driving skills. Passing a test certain doesn't make you a good driver, hence insurance being so high for the first few years.

You can tell from driving behind a car that they might be a nervous driver and it does make for the worse driving and prone to mistakes.

@RedskyBynight

He is not an ass for not paying insurance, he is an ass for not paying towards the car because he doesn’t drive it, but expecting it to be a family car (with driver) when he needs a drive. He can’t have it both ways.

Depends how they split their finances. And how often he uses the car (I've checked all OP's posts- they don't say). If it's the odd one off like this and, particularly if he is paying a lot on public transport, I don't think it's unreasonable not to pay towards the car specifically, if other bills are fairly split.

In our house DH pays for a film subscription service because he uses it a lot. I've watched one film on it in the last 6 months or so. Neither of us think that this means that I must now pay towards it.

Except it’s not just about how often he using the car personally. He is also benefitting indirectly, for example when the OP can use the car to go and do the weekly shopping. Which means 1- he is never the one doing it and 2- they can save money vs the little corner shop they would have to use otherwise 3- he doesn’t have to do a whole round trip in buses to get to said supermarket.

I’m sure there are many other instances where the OP having a car is benefitting him.
And of course, that’s wo the fact he is probably also expecting her to be his taxi driver. At least that’s what his sense of entitlement in this particular occasion is implying.

Nothing comparable to a film subscription that you will never use or have indirect benefit from.

You can tell from driving behind a car that they might be a nervous driver and it does make for the worse driving and prone to mistakes.

You can tell from being tailgated by wankers how many aggressive and over-confident drivers are around. They cannot stick to the basics of obeying the speed limits (I'm frequently overtaken whilst doing 28-30 in 30 zones); being able to stop in the distance they can see to be clear and leaving enough stopping distance between them and the car in front. These are the people you see wrapped around trees and upside down in ditches, puzzled as to how their luck ran out. Your luck didn't run out - your skill did.

@RedskyBynight

He is not an ass for not paying insurance, he is an ass for not paying towards the car because he doesn’t drive it, but expecting it to be a family car (with driver) when he needs a drive. He can’t have it both ways.

Depends how they split their finances. And how often he uses the car (I've checked all OP's posts- they don't say). If it's the odd one off like this and, particularly if he is paying a lot on public transport, I don't think it's unreasonable not to pay towards the car specifically, if other bills are fairly split.

In our house DH pays for a film subscription service because he uses it a lot. I've watched one film on it in the last 6 months or so. Neither of us think that this means that I must now pay towards it.

I don’t know about your film subscription, but the ones in my household don’t require a driver’s license, fuel, insurance, maintenance and they don’t risk damage when they are used in unsafe driving conditions, not even when I’m uncomfortable using said subscriptions in bad weather.

But if your film subscription is the kind dat can leave someone injured for life with thousands of £££ to pay for by the person who took out the subscription if used in bad weather, than sure, you can totally compare the two.

Oh, and even if he did contribute, he doesn’t get to dictate her driving in bad weather. But if he paid his fair share towards the costs of the car, I’m sure the OP would share the costs of taxi or hotel.

This is a man who believes his stuff is his only and her stuff is his to take whenever he desires. No.

I do wish my car cost the same as my Netflix subscription. Would save a small fortune.

But again, he may not be contributing to the car, but he may be paying for other things that she uses? That information just isn’t there.

For example maybe he pays the gas and electricity bills himself and she doesn’t contribute a penny. By everyone’s logic here, she should be paying for it seeing as she benefits from it. Or she does the supermarket shop, and he pays in full, and so on.

These examples are poor speculation. Nothing OP has said has suggested that’s the case. I’m just not understanding why he’s a complete ass for getting the benefit of a car he’s not paying towards when there is no other information at all on how their finances are split.

*pure not poor!

@MsHedgehog

But again, he may not be contributing to the car, but he may be paying for other things that she uses? That information just isn’t there.

For example maybe he pays the gas and electricity bills himself and she doesn’t contribute a penny. By everyone’s logic here, she should be paying for it seeing as she benefits from it. Or she does the supermarket shop, and he pays in full, and so on.

These examples are poor speculation. Nothing OP has said has suggested that’s the case. I’m just not understanding why he’s a complete ass for getting the benefit of a car he’s not paying towards when there is no other information at all on how their finances are split.

It’s his attitude towards her, don’t you see that? When she needs a ride home from the hospital she can call a taxi or pay a friend, because it sure as hell isn’t his problem. But when he needs a ride she needs to come through unsafe weather to save him £70 on a taxi. And I’m sure if she damages the car doing that, she can pay for it because it’s her car and he doesn’t benefit from it (his words not mine). That is never fair, not even if he pays the gas and electricity by himself, because they can’t all of a sudden change in lifelong injury to yourself, damage to other people’s cars and health, damage to your own car, higher insurance rates because of using it in bad weather.

I have always been responsible for paying for the car, because it's my mode of transport to work. Usually, he spends £150 a month on train tickets to commute to work so that was how it worked.

However, he hasn't had to go in to work (or buy train tickets) since February 2020.

@hurryupsummer2

I have always been responsible for paying for the car, because it's my mode of transport to work. Usually, he spends £150 a month on train tickets to commute to work so that was how it worked.

However, he hasn't had to go in to work (or buy train tickets) since February 2020.

So he should have saved plenty to spend on a taxi every now and then.

Has your Husband had his op yet @hurryupsummer2? What have you decided to do in the end?

@hurryupsummer2

However, he hasn't had to go in to work (or buy train tickets) since February 2020

So surely he must have enough money for a taxi?

Have you told him that? Have you talked to him at all about this again?

Usually, he spends £150 a month on train tickets to commute to work so that was how it worked.

That's his commute taken care of. What about when he wants to go anywhere else? Is that public transport, or does he expect to be driven?

Think about how youre feeling when thinking about driving...worried and anxious right? so much so that you've come here looking for reassurance.

he is having an op. No matter how minor going under GA is still scary and a risk. So imagine he's feeling 5 x more worried and anxious than you are...and he's expecting reassurance and support from you (not seeking it out on mumsnet) and you're effectively telling him your anxiety is more important.....

He is having an non emergency procedure to suit himself at a time when weather is poor.

A decent man would defer.
But he's a selfish arse on every level.

This situation is the tip of the iceberg I bet.

You look after yourself OP.

If anything happened to you, I doubt he would be at your side.
He certainly wasn't when YOU had your procedure.
You were helped by friends....let that be a lesson...
I'm so sorry there are so many nasty obtuse posts on here.

Your safety first, ahead of the twat you are married to.

@LilMidge01 according to a quick Google search, the chances of dying due to a GA is 1 in 100,000.

The odds of dying in a road accident in a single year is 1 in 20,000, and the lifetime risk is 1 in 240. And that's in all conditions, not narrowed down to snow and Ice etc.

Good point about the different levels of risk @hurryupsummer2

How does he respond?

Thank goodness there are still people weighing in after 37 pages of posts, who clearly don't feel the need to familiarise themselves with any of the prior discussion, to tell you that you're being unreasonable, OP.

Ignore them. If they can't be bothered to click "see all" under your first post, then their opinion is unimportant. You however are. Are you ok?