To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

@liquoriceallsortfamily

Have you got a volunteer 4x4 response team in your area? We have here and are usually good at helping out in these type of situations.

That’s a good idea, I’d forgotten those, we have them here too.

Can you get the taxi there and back and pick him up that way? Then you're there for support but don't have to drive

Tbh if the OP doesn’t think she’ll get there, the odds are a taxi won’t either.

I don’t think there’s a ridiculous amount of snow left to come now, it’s more really heavy frost.

I'm an experience, confident driver but there is no way DH would want me to go out in those conditions. He worries about me at the best of times but after he was stranded in snow overnight on a motorway a few years back, he is extra careful now.
He most certainly wouldn't be yelling at me. I think I'd get a taxi to pick me up and go there to collect him in the taxi. Round trip £140ish? But totally worth it to be safe.

Hang on.
So OP DH won’t pay for the car or insurance because it’s not his and he doesn’t think he should, however; Is now demanding his wife to drive said car in unsafe conditions (you know the one he won’t pay for) because he’s too tight to get a taxi home. And has previously expected OP to get a friend to pick her up or a taxi home herself in the EXACT same circumstances.
Oh and all for the surgery that isn’t urgent and wasn’t going to be until April but he’s bought forward until now.
OP, YANBU. Dear god ...

@Potentialscrooge

Called it.

Yep my DH loves me enough to be begging me not to go out in unsafe driving conditions even though we have a decent car and I'm a confident driver because why take the risk!! The hassle and cost if you crash let alone of you get injured!

OP,
I sincerely hope you have good friends and family for support IRL.

He sounds like a twat.

Don't even think about risking yourself in awful conditions for such a shouty twat.

Yep my DH loves me enough to be begging me not to go out in unsafe driving conditions even though we have a decent car and I'm a confident driver because why take the risk!! The hassle and cost if you crash let alone of you get injured!

My DH respects me enough to know that I'm fully capable to risk assess and make my own decisions about when to drive.

Something I'm perfectly capable of doing.

He also loves me.

All these big brave mumsnetters who will drive their crappy ol' car in a blizzard but won't open their front doors if someone knocks

this thread would be hilarious if OP weren't so upset about how her hubsand is behaving. Any news about the operation, OP?

@Bookwords

Yep my DH loves me enough to be begging me not to go out in unsafe driving conditions even though we have a decent car and I'm a confident driver because why take the risk!! The hassle and cost if you crash let alone of you get injured!

My DH respects me enough to know that I'm fully capable to risk assess and make my own decisions about when to drive.

Something I'm perfectly capable of doing.

He also loves me.

But OP's DH doesn't trust OP to risk assess and make her own decisions, does he? Because apparently 'what a wife does' trumps any amount of common sense and risk assessment according to him.

@saraclara my post related to @RandomMess post, because her DH loves her soooo much he begs her not to drive!

I mean really is she not able to risk assess herself?

@Bookwords my DH does trust my risk assessment but he would not want me taking additional risk just to pick him up in clearly adverse conditions as described by to Op just to save him (well us) ££

If I wanted to drive 25 miles now I couldn’t. The snow is above my reg plate, it’s not as bad further down the road but then maybe half a mile on there are snow drifts. My partner tried to drive at 8:15 this morning and gave up within 10 minutes, left his car and walked home. This road is the only one through the village. Not a single person has driven down for the rest of the day, trying to drive places like this has nothing to do with being nervous, it is impossible. People have different ideas of rural. My dp wouldn’t even suggest it, it wouldn’t be possible!

All these big brave mumsnetters who will drive their crappy ol' car in a blizzard but won't open their front doors if someone knocks

[quote RandomMess]@Bookwords my DH does trust my risk assessment but he would not want me taking additional risk just to pick him up in clearly adverse conditions as described by to Op just to save him (well us) ££[/quote]
I love that he cant and doesn't drive a car but thinks he knows better than the OP that does🙄

Poor OP, married to such an idiot.

Oh, I'm imagining all kinds of things, like the OP's husband has been banned from driving for life for some dastardly reason and therefore expects her to be at his beck and call as his private taxi-service, come what may.

@hurryupsummer2

But surely you put yourself out for people you love - family members and friends

If there was no snow I would do it no question. But 'putting myself out' doesn't extend to risking my life and others around me...

And he doesn't put himself out for her - she had to get a taxi back on her own after an op as he doesn't drive and wouldn't go to meet her - and he won't contribute to the costs of the car he wants her to use to collect him - in adverse weather conditions, when he doesn't even drive himself! "Putting oneself out" should work both ways.

So what are you going to do OP?

1. He makes his own way there and you pick him up in a taxi.
2. you take him there and back in a taxi.
3. You ask a friend to pick him up with a financial incentive.
4. He phones the hospital to say there is no one to pick him and do they have transport.
5. He phones and asks to reschedule the operation and asks about time frames for this.

Of course this will require a conversation with DP to tell him you won't pick him up in the car and if there is a cost involved in picking him up can he pay for it. When is the operation? Have you discussed this further with DP? Are you concerned how he will react when you say that under no circumstances will you drive to pick him up, unless the weather changes miraculously. Looks like after all this discussion and advice you have enough options to make a decision. We know you won't drive, but what are you going to do???????

@Potentialscrooge

Hang on. So OP DH won’t pay for the car or insurance because it’s not his and he doesn’t think he should, however; Is now demanding his wife to drive said car in unsafe conditions (you know the one he won’t pay for) because he’s too tight to get a taxi home. And has previously expected OP to get a friend to pick her up or a taxi home herself in the EXACT same circumstances. Oh and all for the surgery that isn’t urgent and wasn’t going to be until April but he’s bought forward until now. OP, YANBU. Dear god ...

@Potentialscrooge summed it up perfectly. YANBU OP! I think you need to tell him firmly that the option is shell out the £140 for you take a taxi to meet him & bring him back or make arrangements to stay at a hotel. Personally I’d be looking at the hotel option anyway because it sounds like there is a chance the roads may be blocked and a taxi might not be able to make it?

And I’m curious... why doesn’t he drive? It’s unusual for someone living so rurally not to drive isn’t it?

He will feel absolutely rank after a GA so a taxi (unless you go in the taxi to collect him and accompany him home) would be a no go for me. Even then it wouldn't be my first choice - I had an op in October and puked in the car on the way home, and that was after being in overnight after my op in the late afternoon. Luckily had a stash of vomit bowls from the hospital.

I would be very surprised if he is supposed to be getting public transport before his op - I had to get a covid test and then isolate between the test and op date and was absolutely not permitted to travel to hospital using public transport. Travel by taxi was permitted but not welcomed.

But in any case he's an arse for shouting at you. Would you feel more confident if a friend accompanied you on the journey?

Would the hospital transport service be an option? He might have to wait a while in that they may not be available when he is ready to go, but might be worth looking into whether he could book. They are still running during covid - collected my neighbour the other day.

Pre-signed agreement or not, the hospital cannot prevent a patient from leaving if they wish to do so. And as for a wife or friend driving them home single-handed being acceptable 'supervision' but a taxi-driver not - that's a bizarre assumption. One would hope that any driver would have their attention to the road and not the Poor Suffering One. Taxi drivers are within their rights not to take puking hazards, of course.
OP, this is your husband's problem to sort out. sod him

Wow. You're getting a very tough time OP. For what it's worth, many people don't want to drive in rural lanes in the snow. That's perfectly normal. And it's ok to say that.

I don't understand how he can get public transport in the morning. Surely he has to have a covid test and isolate for 4 days before arriving for his op? Public transport isn't allowed is it?

Post op. Firstly your taxis are extortionate but have you spoken with them to perhaps arrange you being taken to pick him up and back again? A decent compromise?

I hope his op goes well.

Am I missing something? How is it OK for a taxi to get through the snow but not the OPs car ? Are they all 4x4s or have some magic powers ?

There’s no way I would want to be driven by a random person through snow drifts after an operation. Plus the obvious COVID risk whilst less than 100% healthy. It’s not fair to a taxi driver either to subject them to it .

The obvious thing to do is to postpone the operation as it’s not urgent.