Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

[Feelingtired75]

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

I also have a 21 year old DD living at home, doing Uni at home and no she's absolutely not like that towards me, if she was she'd finding somewhere else to live fairly sharpish. Don't allow her to treat you that way OP. I understand people are stressed because of Lock down but you do not need to put up with being treated in that way. I would be telling her that you need to see a dramatic change in her attitude towards you or she will be looking for a house share somewhere

The sooner she moves out, the better. She's disrespectful and rude - she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. It does sound as though she's taken on an abuser role and it isn't good for either of you.

I'd be tempted to buy a book about abusive relationships and leave it for her to read.

I expect you both suffered from him. And might be struggling to cast off the unhealthy relationship style. Try to think of her as a victim of it all, while modelling an assertive demeanour and not putting up with any shit from her. Loving and strong. She is likely punishing you for it because she can't punish her Dad.

You could also suggest you two going to talk to someone (although in these times I'm not sure if that's allowed) She must have some issues passed on by how her dad behaved as well (but you should not be the punching bag for that either)

I’d tell her if she speaks to you like that one more time she’ll be out the door so damn fast her shoes will have scorch marks. And mean it.

She really needs to move out. She also sounds like she could do with therapy. She'll have issues around her father- his abusive behaviour, his absense. I had a friend who was very much like your daughter. She could be fine and then turn on a dime into an abusive, angry person, quick to cut you down. What always shocked me was how poorly she treated her own mother and aunties, as if she were superior and they were classed as 'lowly victims' when in fact, the biggest victim was my friend. She never knew her father and this absolutely haunted her. It was something she could not make peace with. I don't know how her life turned out because honestly, I had to remove her from mine in order to find peace. I hope that your daughter can move out and find out who she is and what she needs in order to be a kinder, happier person. Unfortunately, you can't do that for her. But turfing her out would be a kind act for both of you. It'll hurt, but it will help!
You are in fact a victim of abuse and just because she is your child doesn't mean she gets a free pass to abuse you, her mother, OP. That's not what your mother's love is about, being an emotional punching bag. The kindest thing and most loving act you could do for your DD is to actually tell her to leave.

Talking of therapy... do that for you as well, OP... but not with your DD. Don't do anything with your DD right now. Look after YOU.

I think you need to cut her some slack. Presumably if you were abused by your husband, she was abused too - at the very least, by witnessing his behaviour and your reaction to it, even if he wasn't physically abusing her. She's just trying to find her way in life, at 21 she's not really an "adult" yet either.

You don't have to be her doormat, but as her mother you need to help her realise she can be a better person than her father.

It sounds like she is being her age but that doesn't help you or your relationship together. When I was a teenager or her age, my behaviour would deteriorate if I was feeling stressed and needed some reassurance, I see it with my toddler now. When you have a quiet moment together, it might be worth telling her that you understand uni must be stressful and that you're proud of her.
That said...it is worth also mentioning that she might prefer to move out and get some space away from you. Teens and young adults need to flap their wings and feel independent. Im sure she will start to appreciate you more once there is some space. The last thing to look at is whether you do default to the victim role when confronted. We all apparently default to victim, fixer or aggressor and it is worth seeing if that's something you want to work on for yourself.

That’s awful OP. I’m so sorry. It’s clear the arrangement isn’t working for you both.

I suggest you give her notice that she needs to get a job and move out once she’d graduated. You cannot put up with being bullied in your own home.

Even if we’re only getting your side of the story and there’s more to this, you can’t live with a relative - even your own child - who treats you badly. If she’s 21 then she’s more than old enough to stand on her own two feet. I’d have a proper talk with her but if she doesn’t change her ways I’d ask her to move out by the summer.

That's awful OP

I recognize the pattern though. My sister was like this towards my mum. Not as blatantly rude verbally (it's quite shocking how she speaks to you) but very withering and snappy and dismissive.

My mum also divorced my abusive/disrespectful father and sadly I think my sister was doing what was modeled to her. I.e my father showed her that my mum was not someone worthy of respect. She also had a lot of hostility towards my mum as she blamed her for staying with him longer than she should. My mum comes from a horrifically abusive background and is very soft and people-pleasing as a result. This "weakness" infuriates my sister, to be honest I do find it irritating at times too but as she's always been a loving supportive mother I let it slide.

You need to get tough here. It really is the only way. I know it probably doesn't come naturally to you but you need to see yourself as worthy of respect and you need to demand it. Talk to her calmly (calm and cool is the key here as any emotion will give her leverage) about her disrespect and inform her that you won't be tolerating it in your own house anymore. Tell her if she doesn't start behaving like a respectful adult you will have no choice but to ask her to leave - and mean it!

You could also suggest you two going to talk to someone (although in these times I'm not sure if that's allowed)

Yes, you can actually. OP, you can (if you are in England but not in Scotland, unfortunately) self refer online for therapy. You will get a phone call and after a chat, they'll decide what type of therapy is best for you. And then you'll be on a waiting list for therapy done over the phone. I did this last autumn. It all came through very quickly. The wait wasn't long. I'd been dealing with my brother's ongoing drug abuse which had resulted in him going to a max security prison. It tore open old wounds from my childhood and I absolutely fell apart. The therapy didn't 'cure' me. I'm still a mess. But I've been able to organise my mess and make sense of it and find peace in my day. Do this for you. You can suggest it for your DD, but the saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' comes to mind. So at the moment, I'd think about therapy for yourself. If your DD is home all the time, it's hard because you want to be able to talk freely on the phone to the therapist. Anyway, the option is there, despite lockdown.

Perhaps the stress of her final year is getting to her.

That sounds awful and untenable. But I agree with @TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe that she has presumably suffered, directly or indirectly, from your ex's abuse. I would wonder if she's internalised his way of speaking.

I'd also say that, although she does sound extremely rude and I am in no way excusing that, the root of what she's doing sounds like a normal development for this stage in hers and your relationship. She's a young adult learning to be independent. There will come a point when, probably, you won't be asking her if she got her essay uploaded ok.

It might be that some of her rudeness is because she perceives you to be asking questions of her as if she were a younger child. I'm not saying that's your intention or that it'd make it ok for her to respond rudely, but if you were to talk to her about it, that might be a place to start - ask her if she feels you're checking up on her like a child and see if her response gives you any insight.

Tell her to leave. She's an adult, and you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Is she traumatised from your marriage to your narc ex? She needs to know she cannot speak to you in this way. She either has to get help for her anger or move out. You do t have to put up with abuse just because she is your child.

My daughter was like this about 5 years ago. She went from being the most perfect daughter to absolutely vile in about a month.
We fought so much, and so badly, that I sent her to live with my mum 150 miles away for a year, and from there she went to university.
We talked and talked while she was away, and we still do. We have a great relationship now, but we could never live together again, I don't think.

Have you got any other children? If so what are they like?

I suppose my point is that it's fairly common, but you do have to follow through on rules regarding how you can live together. I wouldn't wish that sort of fighting on anyone, but it can get better.

Thank you everyone for the advice. It has helped me a lot. I have a 30 Yr old son also. He lives away from home with his girlfriend. He is very calm and laid back always very respectful.

You might want to sit her down, tell her the way it makes you feel when she speaks to you like that, and tell her this is untenable for you. She will have to find somewhere else to live if she can’t stop it.

I have tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accuses me of playing the victim and how I need to get a grip and am I going through the menopause. I always speak very calmly to her but if later on she calls one of our relatives to complain about me she will tell them I shouted and screamed and slammed doors and stormed out. None of this ever ever happens. But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

I think you need to tell her you need some space from her and tell her to find somewhere else to live.

Stop trying so hard . If she wants you to be nice & interact she'll have to do the trying. Don't ask about the essay etc & how things went. Just be nice if approached or spoken to but otherwise leave her be. It's tricky being back at home after being used to Uni. My DM would still treat me like a teen who needed supervising. Not saying you are, but maybe she's missing Uni & misinterpretring your interest & unfairly taking it out on you.

If she is a unit student, her uni is likely to have its own counselling service and the wait for that might not be as long as via NHS. obviously that only works for her, not you, but it might be worth her looking into if she is able to reflect enough to know this is not a healthy relationship.

Does she have friends? Close relationships with other people?