Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

[Feelingtired75]

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

The 🍎 didn’t fall far from the tree did it ?

This sounds like learned behaviour. She has no respect for you and tied up in that is if she witnessed you tolerating abuse from her father.

Now you just rolling over when she speaks to you like shit just reinforces it. You are doing neither of you any favours by excusing it, tbh

I’m so sorry she’s talking to you that way OP. I think you’re both victims or the abuse - and she’s sadly seen the example her dad set for her and it has stuck with her.

Perhaps you could try therapy together or separately, setting something up for her to talk to someone (even if it’s to vent about you or both her parents) might be helpful. You could talk to the same therapist so that any guidance is based on the knowledge the therapist has of both or you.

If she doesn’t agree to change her attitude and be respectful, or doesn’t at least agree to therapy, then I would be telling her she will need to move out as her disrespect is affecting your health.

She is 21! 21! I am still in my 20s and had left home with a child & a mortgage when I was 22.
Tell her to move out, it’s your house. I cannot believe she speaks so disrespectfully to her mum. My mum ‘gets on my nerves’ but I would never be so rude.
She needs to seriously grow up, I’d expect it maybe from a 15 year old hormonal teen but certainly not at her age...

No. My mother would go right through me if I spoke to her like that. She was strict when we were growing up, so there's respect there.

@Feelingtired75

I have tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accuses me of playing the victim and how I need to get a grip and am I going through the menopause. I always speak very calmly to her but if later on she calls one of our relatives to complain about me she will tell them I shouted and screamed and slammed doors and stormed out. None of this ever ever happens. But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

Well that's a different kettle of fish altogether. One of you is going through something that needs professional help badly, she's either imagining stuff or you are, if she's making stuff up but actually believes it happens she need psychiatric help

Well then, she'll have to find herself a place to live if you are not able to live together.

I’m sorry you have to endure this horrible treatment it’s disgusting. I wonder if she saw this in writing she’d realise how she is acting?
I have a sibling who is like this, and he is a sympathetic person (I wouldn’t say empathetic considering how he treats my mum) who responds better to people showing they’re sad/emotional rather than being angry about it. Maybe show her the hurt it’s causing you, or write a note about it. I’m sure it doesn’t work for everyone but it worked for my brother and he realised how he was acting was hurtful rather than just annoying.

Giver her an ultimatum of treating you with respect or she's out

And follow through

Sorry just saw your other message, I cannot believe she spreads lies about you/what’s happened Sounds so difficult

OP,
She's 21 and needs to take responsibility as do you.

You have allowed her to speak to you like that, therefore she does.

Some kids as they get older can try this, the thing is not to accept it.

Her behaviour is awful but she has been given the firm message it is ok to speak to you like that.

What you should do is write her a little letter and tell her in it that you would like her to leave the house and move out asap as a direct result of her dreadful behaviour towards you.

Then go with the letter and hand it to her and tell her, I'd like you to move out.
I have no wish to share my home with you or your dreadful behaviour any longer.

Take your behaviour somewhere else because I am done.

I doubt you will do the above but believe me this is what should be done.

She is an abusive spoiled disrespectful brat.

You have swapped one abuser for another.

You are doing her NO favours and have failed in your job as her mother accepting such rudeness and abuse from her.

Tell her the truth, you don't want her in YOUR home anymore.

Tell her she clearly isn't happy with the roof you provide so you want her out.

Until you play hardball and insist on respect from her you are never going to get any.

You have allowed the situation to get to this point.

If you want your children to speak to you respectfully, you call them out on rudeness the first time you hear it with Dont you speak to me like that.
It will happen, but you can never allow it to go unchallenged.
Every time you challenge it.

She is never going to suddenly show you respect with you allowing her to be so rude to you.

Have some respect for yourself first and then insist she does, or get the hell out of YOUR home.

Op just stop the efforts for a while for your sanity and for hers too. Current times have been tough for us all and each one is reacting differently. Children do have some unresolved from time to time regarding many things and even about their parents. It's clearly difficult for you both at present. She is trying to push your buttons try hot to react for a while if you can. I know this is easier said than done, you do need to look after yourself at this time. Is she going through something which she isn't telling you ?

I ment not to react not hot

Can you be so busy with your own life so you appear happy, popular, too busy with it to dwell on a whingey DD- I know hard in lockdown- but I would just leave her too it and let her see it's of no interest to you, you have better things to do.
It would be hard for her todisrespect you and pointless her being nasty as it goes straight over your head.

I feel for you OP.My dd could be quite sarcastic in her teens and left home at 19.My dh wouldn't tell the dc off so I made it plain they mustn't be rude to me or get short shrift.Tbh it must be dreadful coping with it in lockdown.
Don't ask her how she is or how her course is going,not if you get a shitty reply.I agree she needs to leave home as soon as it is possible.

Op do you often ask if she's submitted work in time etc? She's responsible for her work - no-one else.

The reason I ask is that my mum is very lovely, but very smothering, and if she visits she will constantly 'mumsplain' how to do things (I've lived on my own since I was 18 and I've raised 3 kids alone - she doesn't live near). She tried to take over and micromanage and even if I've told her nicely and calmly not to, she does it anyway and I sometimes end up snapping at her in frustration.

I could see her writing a similar post to yours.

I'm not saying you are in the wrong, just that her account of things would be very different to mine.

Of course your daughter could just be behaving like a knob, but I wondered if there was an alternative viewpoint?

I've got a daughter a little older, very similar circumstances.... now she can be very opinionated if we don't agree with her, but it doesn't ever cross over into what you're describing.

Is there a reason why she's living at home OP rather than with other students, or is it purely because of Covid?

She needs to move out OP. The boundaries of child and parent have been breached and they will not come back whilst she is in the house. She has contempt for you.

21 is old enough to live alone or in a house share.

Your DD needs to move out ASAP.
When things became intolerable with my daughter at home, I told her that it was no longer sensible for us to live in the same house and that she should start looking for somewhere else to live. Our circumstances were a little different from yours, in that DD was 23, in paid employment and had her own car, so she had the means to pay for a room in a shared house, which is what she did.
Our relationship gradually improved over the subsequent years.

My mum had an adult daughter who was utterly draining - me. 😳. This is in no way something I’m proud of.

I have generalised anxiety disorder, had many issues growing up and long term depression. I’d always snap and be horrible and dismissive of my mum (who I always saw as a pushover and people pleaser, a “yes” person and that example contributed to me struggling in life because I wasn’t taught to think for myself etc etc etc - I don’t believe this now btw)

I have now had extensive therapy and can see not only that the way I treated her was horrific, but also WHY I was doing that.

I’d get pissed off with something she said or did, so would loose my rag/snap/be horribly rude. Then afterwards I’d feel so awful and guilty, that I’d dread seeing her again, then I’d see her again full of anxiety that she’d do something to make me snap, she would, I’d snap, feel guilty and on and on.

The thing is, though I felt it was HER making me snap - the reaction is all mine. My responsibility and I had to learn to own that and change how I reacted to her. (Which I’ve done, and worked bloody hard at, we have a wonderful relationship now and I have coping techniques if I’m starting to feel anxious)

I share all this because I think she sounds a little like how I was. It’s extremely unlikely she has come away from the abuse unscathed and it sounds to me like she really needs some professional help.

How you go about broaching that subject with her mind... who knows. If my mum had suggested that to me I’d have sneered and told her the only one needing help was her - poor woman couldn’t have won!

I would tell her if she can’t be polite she needs to move out as it clearly isn’t healthy for either of you, and you most certainly don’t need to put up with being treated so poorly. I can also say if my mum had told me to move out, it would have given me an almighty kick up the arse!

Not necessarily constructive help 😬 but she can come through it a better person, and hopefully you can find a way to broach it with her suggesting you both have some therapy (separately), and perhaps if she’s unhappy she can find a house share (a letter might work?)

Good luck

just dont talk to he for now see if she still says to people youre shouting at her

sounds like shes the one gaslighting you

Don't put up with this in your own home, OP. Ask her to leave. She's an adult so she can work it out for herself. You've been more than reasonable putting up with it this long. I know all that is easier said than done but at 21, she needs to recognise that she is a guest in your home and has no right to be there.

I would address this once directly by saying 'this is my home, the way you speak to me is making me unhappy and upset in my own home, I can't live like this, I'm sorry but if you don't speak to me politely, you will have to leave' and mean it.

If she carries on, I'd say I love you but I need you to leave, the way you treat me is unacceptable and bad for you too, out you go.

Therapy for you would be great, as boundaries need to be reset. Therapy for her would be great but you can't control that, except to offer it.

You aren't doing her any favours by letting her treat you like this, as when she tries to form a relationship, other people either won't put up with it or will be abusive back.

She clearly is scarred, and that's awful, but I don't think you also being treated like shit is helping you or her get out of these dysfunctional cycles.

I don't expect teens to be perfect, mine are occasionally snappy or rude, and I am too if stressed, but if we are, we expect an apology from each other, and to be pleasant and at least not rude most of the time. I can't live any other way.

mine can be... challenging at times. But she's not like this.

Tell her she has a month to find somewhere else to live?

Op this sounds like absolutely awful and soap childish... Where has she learned this sort of language, get a grip, weirdo etc.

She sounds very angry to me like she is harboring issues...blames you for something...

I would try and find a counsellor, I think relate? They deal with all family issues and if she's rude or reluctant calmly tell her.
I am not going to allow you to live with me unless you agree to talk about things with a 3rd party so we can learn to get along better and what is respectful.

She says no.. Ask her to find somewhere else to live.

sorry, just saw your update. Can you record your interactions? Covertly?