Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

[Feelingtired75]

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

@Feelingtired75

I have tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accuses me of playing the victim and how I need to get a grip and am I going through the menopause. I always speak very calmly to her but if later on she calls one of our relatives to complain about me she will tell them I shouted and screamed and slammed doors and stormed out. None of this ever ever happens. But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

This sounds really intense and draining!

Regardless of whether you are over-reacting to something, that isn't a very compassionate response from your daughter. So there's a problem in the relationship, maybe from both sides.

As others have suggested it may be worth asking her if she'd be happy to go and talk to a counsellor with you. She will be able to recognise that there is an issue here, even if she does think it's your fault, your mother-daughter relationship it's exactly fine and health. So try to talk to her about that without getting bogged down in what's causing it.

What's important is that the two of you can communicate in a healthy way. She's an adult and no longer a teen so she should be able to be a bit more emotionally mature and recognise that both of you need a bit of support here to talk about the issues.

Tell her to move out. Having consequences will do her the world of good.

Sorry typos in my previous post! Should have said:

• even if she does think it's your fault, your mother-daughter relationship isn't exactly fine and healthy

I was thrown out at 17 due to being a disrespectful nightmare at home. Lots of drama and I ended up living in a bed sit on benefits. A few months of that and I had quite enough.

Went back to my DP’s apologised, then lived back at home for a few years with a much nicer attitude and a lot more gratitude.

Your relationship with your DD reminds me a lot of my DSis’s relationship with my DM. She can get so angry with her even now; thankfully she lives about 300 miles away, so they don’t see much of each other. I’m more of a people pleaser and usually hide my annoyance.

DM tries to micromanage everyone and everything and everyone finds it annoying. She’s 81 and unlikely to change now. I was reminded of that when you talked about having asked about your DD’s essay. Do you do that a lot? She may well find that intrusive at 21.

But, also like you and your DD, it’s a lot more complicated. My DSis and I were sexually abused by our F and our DM didn’t know about it. So there is resentment involved, which I suspect is the case with your DD. She’s probably directing her anger against you because her narc F isn’t around. That’s similar to us as well, though that’s because our F died 23 years ago.

None of this excuses your DD’s treatment of you. But she really does clearly need professional help to process her anger. She also needs to take ownership of her behaviour, as it’s unacceptable. She wants to be treated like an adult, so she needs to act like one and apologise. I wonder whether there’s a mental health issue, after everything that you’ve been through? The lying and accusations of gaslighting are disturbing, especially with you saying that she doesn’t appear to think she’s lying.

It would also be better if she moved out. It doesn’t need to be seen as a punishment even, but just giving you both space.

She is 21 and quite old enough to get her own place. Show her the door. There is no way you need to put up with this level of abuse.

It sounds very hard for you. My sister (and me on occasion) used to treat my mum like dirt. We saw our dad do it all our lives. But, past the age of 21, it's really no longer an excuse, is it? If I find myself slipping into grumpy mode with my mum (she lives with me now), I have to make an effort to sort out my attitude. She only ever show me kindness to be honest, but living in such proximity with anyone can get a person down sometimes. She's a grown woman and managing to get a degree. I think she can do better. Do you have someone who could help mediate a conversation with her? Or could you maybe write it down in a letter? Perhaps she doesn't even realise the tone she's using? My sister can speak very harshy towards both me and my mother, but I really don't think she even hears it. If we say something, she goes crackers and says we're shouting at her.
I don't think throwing her out in a pandemic is the way forward though. There are other things you could try before it gets to that stage. Don't do the cooking for example. Don't do her washing. Unplug the Internet. SHow her what it means to live in an adult world. When she gets a job, she won't be able to treat her boss or colleagues like that. And I'm sure she doesn't speak to classmates and tutors like that. She'll know when she can switch it on and off. I feel for you though. I hope you make some progress because you obviously care very deeply for her.

My mum wouldn't have missed me and hit the wall if I ever dared speak to her like that! Difference is, I would never be so disrespectful and down right nasty.

This behaviour isn't acceptable from a pre-pubescent child, nevermind a 21 year old 'woman'. She needs a reality check, she can't treat people (especially her mother) like that and there be no consequences.

Stop with the soft softly approach of trying to explain how she makes you feel, she knows. Tell her straight, carry on and your out!

Is she 21 or 12? She sounds very immature. I know this is a stressful time for everyone and family/relationship tensions are running high, but while we all have moments that our not our finest, that behaviour just isn't on.

Give her space and don't speak to her unless she speaks to you and withdraw any support you're currently giving her.

For goodness sake, she can't just move out. She's a student, who is going to pay for it if she's not working?

I'm also amazed at some of these responses that she should be kicked out before getting to the bottom of why she acts this way. How will the relationship ever resolve itself? The parent-child relationship is THE most important thing and often needs a lot of work.

She sound very unhappy to me.

@Feelingtired75

I have tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accuses me of playing the victim and how I need to get a grip and am I going through the menopause. I always speak very calmly to her but if later on she calls one of our relatives to complain about me she will tell them I shouted and screamed and slammed doors and stormed out. None of this ever ever happens. But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

She's 21 old enough to know better And very much sounds like a narcissist. Don't tolerate it. Just because she's your daughter doesn't mean she has the right to abuse you. If she's got other family members she can go to tell her to pack her bags and go

I agree with @bendmeoverbackwards and OP’s dd may not be able to afford to move out if she has no income to support herself.

Dd may need therapy to deal with her mindset and could be encouraged to self refer. In the meantime, you need to be firm with dd and not put up with her speaking to you like that.

I have 4 dds all at university and at home at the moment. Although they are not feeling great due to lockdown they would not disrespect me or each other. That is not to say they don’t speak out of turn at times but they have strategies in place to help them manage their emotions.

Feelingtired75. That sounds an awful situation to be in your own home too boot!

From what you say your daughter is very disrectful, manipulative and abusive. I would honestly be giving her notice to leave, no way should she treat you, her mother like this and especially not in your own home, which you have aright to feel safe in.

If you can't have rational conversation about the way she treats you, would it be possible to get a mediator in to smooth over you relationship?

@PinkyParrot

Can you be so busy with your own life so you appear happy, popular, too busy with it to dwell on a whingey DD- I know hard in lockdown- but I would just leave her too it and let her see it's of no interest to you, you have better things to do. It would be hard for her todisrespect you and pointless her being nasty as it goes straight over your head.

Whilst I can see why people are saying that it’s time to tell your dd to move out, @Feelingtired75 , I think @PinkyParrot’s approach is a good one to try. Be polite if she talks to you, but detached. And if she is rude to you, I would avoid saying anything like “that hurts my feelings” - basically any response that gives her an ‘in’ to accuse you of ‘playing the victim’. Instead, I’d say something like “That is a very rude way to speak to anyone. I will not accept being spoken to that way. I have nothing more to say to you until you remember your manners” - and then turn and walk away.

If her behaviour doesn’t improve, I think you need to draw a line in the sand, though - you have every right to tell her to mend her attitude or move out.

That's absolutely not normal on her part. I think you need to consider how to get her to move out - how she speak to you and what she says is terrible. Teens/twenties can be difficult at times but this seems to be a lot more than that.

I have two DS, both 19, mostly they are helpful, certainly do things if asked (although they don't often spot that things need doing like empty the washing machine, stack the dishwasher). If I ask them how Uni work is I might get only a grunt with "It's ok" and then I wouldn't pursue but mostly they'll talk nicely and openly about it. I am not saying they are shining examples but certainly they are nice to us, never speak like we are slow or anything like that - if they did I'd jump on them (not literally!!) and take the to task.

Oh op I hope you are ok. She is so rude!! She is an adult do not feel bad for asking her to leave. You don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone.

Does she have any Uni friends that she could live with- it might be a positive thing?
Maybe she feels like she's missing out on having a student social life and is taking it out on you.

Is it possible she's feeling a bit suffocated by the situation of being trapped at home just with her DM? Are you micromanaging her? I love my mum but I would definitely get snappy with questions like "did my assignment load ok" - I know you're trying to be interested in her life but I know I would find it intensely irritating.

"She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight."
I think it's time for her to move out.

My aunt is the same to my nan and its so horrible to watch, she would make up things too and just generally lives in her own head. We have all thought for years that she has some kind of psychosis or something going on, and as you say, she actually doesn't think she is lying.

We have all tried very hard to get my nan to not allow this but ita no use, none of us are even allowed in the house because she is so scared of her reaction.

I dont have anything constructive to say only that I hope you get it sorted, but yes tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live.

I echo what others have said, but I would let her finish her finish her studies before showing her the door. I had a daughter who was rude as yours. I cried hundreds of tears at the cruel remarks. It sounds like your daughter is copying your abusive ex. Have you ever discussed these issues with your son, who might have a take on her behaviour.

You have my sympathies. Living with someone who is abusive is awful, whether they are your child, or partner. Tell yourself you deserve better than this and whilst her comments are hurtful, they are not true of you and you do not deserve to be bullied. Take care

I'm afraid she doesn't care how you feel, she only cares how SHE feels, so it's time to teach her a lesson in growing up.

If you're not charging her for room or board, start.
If she's not doing chores, draw up a rota.
If she's not buying shopping or cooking, give her a few days a week.
Tell her how you expect to be treated in YOUR home and, well, if she doesn't like it? Of you fuck, sweetie!!

She's an adult acting like a 12 year old.

You do not have to put up with it AND while you do, it will continue.

There's a FB support group for the parents of children with NPD. I heartily suggest you check it out. It really helped me.

Secondly, ask her pointedly what her moving out/work plans are for when she's finished her studies.
You have a right not to be bullied.
She can get counselling if she needs it but it sounds awful to me and she is old enough to know she is doing wrong. Don't stand for it.

She is 21 why would anyone say she is being her age, or cut her some slack, she is an adult, no excuses, she respects you or leaves

I think my mum may have .....