Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

[Feelingtired75]

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

Some of these responses are downright horrible. Telling or even implying fuck off to your own child??!

Yes of course her behaviour is rude, disrespectful and completely unacceptable and you should not have to put up with it. But to throw her out when she’s clearly suffering may damage the relationship irreparably.

It is assumed she is a nasty piece of work. It could be that she is also suffering the effects of abuse or some sort of mental illness. In which case she needs love and support.

Maybe she’s testing your love for her OP if she was let down by her father.

What was she like when she was younger?

Possibly this is the result of trauma or whatever, but the reality is that this situation is incredibly unhealthy for HER (as well as awful for you). She’s 21, an adult, and unable to see that she has control over her situation. If she doesn’t want to live with you, then she doesn’t actually have to. If she does want to live with you, she needs to learn how to interact! She’d not speak to a partner, best friend, or housemate like that.

Can you get a relative (eg your DS?) to talk it through with her. Can you afford to help her out with rent? What rent can she afford herself?

It's very hard and you have my utmost sympathy, she is your child and you want the best for her but she is showing such disrespect and she is abusing you.

Unless she recognises her behaviour is unacceptable, which is unlikely , she is unlikely to welcome therapy/ house rules.

I would start looking at finances and put into place a plan for her to move out and give her a date to move on, support her to move out and try to rebuild your relationship with her.

YANBU

You are a saint for tolerating it for that long.

Tell her the next time she speaks to you like that you will be telling her to leave. You do have to mean it though!

What are her plans beyond finals? She really has to go. Maybe you will find yoru relationship improves when you live apart but you are being abused OP.

You know this, right?

@KarmaNoMore

I left my narc ex when my DD was 4, but the damage was done - she'd spent her formative years learning that the way daddy treats mommy is the way mommy is supposed to be treated.

Sorry but this is bonkers, she treats you like this because YOU allow it. I was in exactly in the same position, my 4 year old only treated me like his father ONCE, I dealt with the issue immediately, HE DOESN’t treat me badly because he knows I will not put up with it. You have the power to stop it.

Actually I don't really. She is autistic and that changes things considerably. She cannot 'unlearn' what she learnt. Don't you think I try, every day?

@Newgirls @Dentistlakes
You both nailed it.

I'd be calmly telling her I will not be spoken down to, disrespected and bullied in my own home. My home is my haven & as an adult would she please find somewhere else to live, in the hope that relationship with each other would improve?

I know it's difficult when it's your child. Maybe she'll move out or maybe this will shock her into better behaviour.

But it's still an abusive relationship grinding you down and women absolutely should not be expected to put up with any form of abusive relationship. Ever.

Several possibilities. 1. She is using a psychological defense strategy called identification with the aggressor. She was traumatized by your exh and is using the same strategies she saw him use to make herself feel better. In which case she needs strong boundaries and probably some therapy help.

1. She is using you as an outlet for all her frustrations and difficulties in life as you are the person she is psychologically safest with. In which case she needs clear boundaries and consequences.
2. She has inherited some of the narcissism you ex has - in which case really really clear boundaries and consequences of her actions.

It may seem harsh to throw her out, but she cannot stay if she continues to treat you like shit and needs to understand that. And if you ask her stuff, she should be able to answer you directly in a civil manner.

I'd be telling her if she wants to be a horrible bully, she can get out. No way would I allow her to treat me like shit. 21 isn't a child for Goodness sake. There's no excuse.

Once you have made a stand with someone - eg you are stupid and I have no respect for you, or you are selfish and I have no respsect for you, or maybe, if you are a teenager, I hate you --- it's not easy to backtrack, to show contrition, to apologise, thus admitting you were being a cruel person, were wrong.
Your DD has boxed herself into a corner where she implies you are an idiot/ bad parent / stupid etc therefore she is entitled to be as rude as she wants.
Rather than throw her out whilst this is the situation try to remedy the situation first. She is ?angry, ?anxious, ?unhappy - if she had so little time for you why would she choose to live there?
Offer her counselling , offer to sit down and have an honest talk where no one leaves the room until everything is aired. Something is wrong in her view, or why be so nasty, ask for this or, if she is so unhappy with you, tell her she should move out.

Stop being a victim tell her to find somewhere else to live now she's an adult. You were the adult, whyhave you let her talk to you like that all her life?.I'm a single parent and ds can be horrible but I don't accept it, even though it would be easier to sometimes. A bit of space between the two of you and things may well improve.

@AbsentmindedWoman I have suffered with depression and panic attacks all my life due to the situation I have been in with my family. It’s not about whether I had the emotional resources or not- I didn’t have a parent to fall back on, sponge off and abuse- I had no choice but to deal with what was in front of me or drown in my situation. At 20 it was difficult but I was 20 not 12. Don’t use someone’s age as to relieve them of personal responsibility. Even people with a personality disorder can see the difference between right and wrong. I don’t think anyone is doing op or her daughter any favours by claiming the daughter shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions because xyz.

Sounds really immature still for a 21 year old. Id be telling her if her attitude didnt improve by the time uni was finished then she could find a job and her own place.

I agree with @bendmeoverbackwards and OP’s dd may not be able to afford to move out if she has no income to support herself

All the more reason to bite your tongue and not bite the hand that is feeding you

Dd may need therapy to deal with her mindset and could be encouraged to self refer. In the meantime, you need to be firm with dd and not put up with her speaking to you like that

Agree that therapy could help but the way the daughter is being portrayed I think it will be a hard thing for her to accept. I wouldn’t hold my breath in waiting for her to come round to realising that she is carrying a lot of “baggage” from her childhood