Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

[Feelingtired75]

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

This sounds awful OP. I'd suggest trying to stay calm and cool, every time, but don't let her get away with it. Pick her up on shitty behaviour every time. When she starts going on about how you've done such and such, deny it calmly and rationally.

Also, when you have finally had enough, mean it. If you tell her to leave then she has to be made to leave in a set timeframe, otherwise its all 'Oh she threatened me with having to leave' etc.

Good luck

Also, does your DS say anything about this behaviour? He sounds kind at least.

But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

So she's basically gaslighting you (probably learned from her father) I agree with PP who said stop trying so hard. Ignore her, get on with your own life and don't bother with her unless she comes to you. I also think therapy would be a good idea if she has to live with you (is moving out an option?) you shouldn't have to put up with this in your own house.

She's 21. Yes, she may have emotional issues. Yes, she's a young adult. But she is old enough to know better and to know that her behaviour is awful. She has no one to blame for herself at this point.

OP, you need to be a lot more firm and consider forcing her to move out. At the moment you are reinforcing the idea that her behaviour is not only acceptable but also gets her what she wants. You're a grown woman who does not deserve to be spoken to like this. That kind of behaviour would have been unthinkable for me at 21.

Tell her she may not realise or like it but she is an abuser it isn't a nice realisation it is necessary for her to seek help.
Suggest she reads the freedom programme to deal with her issues from dad, with luck she'll recognise her own actions.

To be honest op this is absolutely not you fault. You presumably have done your best and have successfully got a child to adulthood, equipped her with the skills to go to uni, set her up for a good life. Sod the victim blaming here. So what if she finds you annoying or tedious or menopausal! She can control herself in other areas of he life. I bet she doesn't snap at lecturers or accused bosses on work placements of being mentally ill! No she saves those treats for you. Which is disgusting - biting the hand that feeds you is a very cowardly trait. You don't have to change in your own home. She does. I'm sure she can, but being arsey to parents can be a very resistant habit. Calmly tell her that the arrangement doesn't work for you anymore. That's it. One more occurrence of hatefullness and she will need to leave. And follow through. It probably won't even come to her leaving but you must be prepared to follow through.

You say you have been divorced from your abusive husband for 3 years op, so he was around for her entire childhood? If so, do you think she blames you for keeping him in your lives for so long? Perhaps having spent time away at uni she’s realised what life is supposed to be like and is angry and you for allowing hers to be affected by her abusive father? I’m not saying what she’s doing is right, but it might go a way to explaining why she’s apparently so angry with you.

Apologies if I’m way off. It’s awful what’s happening to you and you don’t deserve it at all.

I guessed the type of replies you would get 🤦🏻‍♀️ Some posters are so pompous, dogmatic and uncaring. I’m not sure how simply suggesting that “you don’t let her speak to you like” or that you just throw her out actually works in real life. I’m sure throwing the daughter out would solve the problem but it would also probably mean the OP wouldn’t see her daughter again.

Also Mumsnetters are really keen to ALWAYS blame the mother.

OP, that does sound awful and quite extreme. Is she sweetness and light to everyone else? How does she do with her friends?
Does she help around the house? How are her finances? Can you really try and disengage from mothering her. Ie no food/laundry/lifts/cleaning etc?
As for her being obnoxious is there anyone else who has witnessed it who may be able to talk to her?
Do you all her out on it every single time? Have you tried writing to her?
Is there anywhere else she could live? Are you able to split your living areas so you each have your own space?
I agree that some counseling for you might be useful.

It must be horrible for you, I hope you manage to sort something out.

Your home, your rules and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. No discussion, no drama - your home is your safe space and she can fit in with that or leave.

I think she has her father's abusive personality. She is abusing you.

She also has the narcissist's way of turning it all back on you if you try to stand up for yourself.

Asking your adult child to leave home because their behaviour is unacceptable doesn't necessarily mean you won't see them again!
I mean, it's a risk, of course. But why should the OP just lie down and be treated like crap?
There has to be consequences for this sort of behaviour. God knows, none of us are perfect, but she doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from her daughter.

Sorry you are going through this OP .
I think.you need to stand firm with her and pull her up when she is rude. Tell her you.love her and explain how much her behaviour hurts you.
Talk about her father, ask her about her feelings and memories of this time.
Maybe apologise that she had to witness her dads behaviour.
She may be modelling her dads behaviour or harbouring resentment towards you. I think.you could both benefit from.counselling.
21 is a tricky age, undoubtedly legally an adult but at 21 your brain is still developing and youve still.got a way to go before you fully mature emotionally.
Is there anyone else who could talk to her an.aunt, grandparent etc?
ultimately you cannot let your dd treat you like this, i would try everything to try and repair the relationship and get her to treat me with respect but if that isnt possible it may be best if she finds somewhere else to live independently, atm as a student halls/house share may be possible with a student loan but realistically when she finishes uni it might be harder to live independently.
Teens / young adults are difficult sometimes but behaviour isnt acceptable, good luck

I could have written this.
Very similar situation.
Remember your daughter has lived with DA and that has had an affect on her emotional development. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. That's very important to remember as, just as you say, it can be so very draining and it's tempting to start giving in and second-guessing to try and prevent the eruptions and verbal abuse. You have also lived with DA and very likely you're finding it a nightmare walking on eggshells all over again...

I recommend 'When Your Daughter has BPD'. Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. Put on your 'Thick Skin' mentally when you talk to her, tell her kindly that you won't listen to her when she is saying unkind things to you. Gradually give her more responsibility (do you do her washing for example? Tell her your're passing that job over to her now if so) and look out for opportunities for praise, but also let her fail by her own mistakes. Look after yourself, hard to find much to do outside the home right now but make sure you do nice things for yourself regularly even if it's just a bubble bath.

Don't listen to posters who have said they would throw her out. There's rudeness for its own sake and rudeness that comes from a place of very deep hurt and insecurity, which this most likely is.

Oh she needs to move out. Ungrateful.

@m0therofdragons

Your home, your rules and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. No discussion, no drama - your home is your safe space and she can fit in with that or leave.

Ok, how exactly do you throw your child (adult child) out of their home without any ‘drama’ ?🤔 How do you think that would actually work?

Do you actually have adult children?

I’m not saying I would never throw a kid out of my home but it’s an extreme nuclear option.

She’s not “draining” she’s abusive

I have a 22 year old DD who lives at home (she works). I would not accept this from her. Time to get tough OP.

@PussGirl

I think she has her father's abusive personality. She is abusing you.

She also has the narcissist's way of turning it all back on you if you try to stand up for yourself.

Wow, really? Do you think abusive personalities are inherited genetically? I think it’s far more likely she has grown up in an abusive atmosphere all her life and is suffering the fallout from that. She was a child, so it’s not her fault what she had to live with growing up.

@NotSorry

She’s not “draining” she’s abusive

I have a 22 year old DD who lives at home (she works). I would not accept this from her. Time to get tough OP.

SO naive and unhelpful to boot. HOW and WHY do you think she became abusive? Have you lived with DA? If not you have NO FUCKING IDEA how it affects a family.

You cannot engage with an abuser to minimise bad behaviour, she will see it as a sign of weakness and hurt you further.

Though love is needed, I would give her 2 options, start treating you with the respect she will treat a stranger from this minute or get her things packed and out of the house in two weeks.

She is an adult now, and whatever the circumstances, an abuser too. Go by ThePlantSitter’s post above, she will respect you when she knows you won’t put up with such nastiness not by loving her “more”, she knows how much you love her, that’s why she is sure you will put up with such dreadful behaviour.

21 is a tough age. She probably feels a bit suffocated by being at home. I know once I left home, when I go back to call in sometimes I can find myself getting annoyed because I’m no longer a child. I’m an adult and sometimes that can be forgotten.

Not saying that is the case here, but I’d just leave her to it and not make too much conversation. Encourage her to find her own place. And also accept that she probably has been quite damaged by the abusive relationship. She is very much a victim of this too especially if it went on for many of her formative years. It’s honestly to be expected. Help to figure it all out would be advisable but in the mean time, space will do a great deal.

@Twillow

Yes I have experience of abuse - don’t presume to know me

And don’t shout at me

@Feelingtired75

I get understand how you feel.
You should not have to accept put up with kind of attitude ,just cause she is your daughter.
I get Lockdown is a shit time emotionally for her,everyone.

the best way forward is for yourself and your daughter if she will accept to have some kind of therapy such as counselling or CBT cognitive behavioural therapy,
go to therapy on your own.

I think family therapy could beneficial for both of you too.

(I feel therapy would help to improve your cofindence ,help to clarify think better,about,and overcome emotional barriers to the dysfunctional abuse family triangle.

Also is there a family member or family friend who your daughter could live with temporary, who is supportive could be a positive influence in her life then?

Remember your daughter has lived with DA and that has had an affect on her emotional development. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. That's very important to remember as, just as you say, it can be so very draining and it's tempting to start giving in and second-guessing to try and prevent the eruptions and verbal abuse. You have also lived with DA and very likely you're finding it a nightmare walking on eggshells all over again...

This ^^. I left my narc ex when my DD was 4, but the damage was done - she'd spent her formative years learning that the way daddy treats mommy is the way mommy is supposed to be treated. She's now 12 and treats me exactly like dickhead her DF treated me.

Don't ask questions about essays, studies etc. I wouldn't even ask if she wants to eat. She can find it in the kitchen and help herself if she hasn't cooked herself.
We know you care about her but she doesn't want it and doesn't respect you doing it.
You may say, "But she is my daughter..." yes, but she is an adult, she is abusive and she doesn't want you to ask questions.

Mn makes me laugh. The other day there was a thread where the op was upset because her dp's 27 year old daughter was being rude to her and blanking her etc and everyone on there was like 'oh the poor dd yes she's 27 but she's come from an abusive home, it's not her fault, she probably is suffering from the abuse, you shouldn't expect too much from her' etc etc.

Now we've got a 21 year old who's being rude to get mum and the MN collective can't Chuck her out fast enough! There's no consistency on here at all

It’s absolutely laughable that some people don’t consider 21 and adult!! When I was 20 I was in my final year of uni, living independently. I had my son at 21 and, again, had to deal with the situation independently. I had an abusive parent too. This was only two years ago, so I’m not from a different generation. I find the infantilisation of young adults these days sickening. If I can raise a baby at 21 then she is emotionally mature enough to realise that her behaviour is wrong. It’s not harsh or tough love...it’s not acceptable to abuse and take your feelings out on your mother!