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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone else have an adult daughter who is draining?

165 replies

Feelingtired75 · 08/02/2021 12:01

My dd is 21..final Yr of uni. Living at home. Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband. Neither of us have contact with him.
Sometimes it feels as if my dd has taken over his role of my abuser. I can't say a thing to her without attitude and her telling me I need mental help iam a weirdo etc.
And I mean just me asking if her if her essay uploaded OK can get a response like that. Sometimes. It's hard to tell when.
If I enquire about her day she can either respond well or tell me she has told me several times to not ask her anything.. That I'm weird and intrusive and need help. She talks to me very slowly like iam stupid and even tells me to get out of her sight.
I feel iam wLking on eggshells and I try and not upset her but sonetimesjust in day to day conversation things she doesn't like can slip out like me asking oh how did that go then? Or similar.
Iam at the end of my tether and feeling very very low. She says I like to be a victim. But the lady thing I ever wanted was this..

OP posts:

2021hastobebetter · 08/02/2021 13:58

@Feelingtired75

I have tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accuses me of playing the victim and how I need to get a grip and am I going through the menopause. I always speak very calmly to her but if later on she calls one of our relatives to complain about me she will tell them I shouted and screamed and slammed doors and stormed out. None of this ever ever happens. But I don't think she thinks she is lying?? She accuses me of gas lighting her? If I say none of that happened.

I think you need to have a frank conversation -perhaps with a neutral 3rd party eg counsellor. But ultimately explain via email or letter -that her behaviour is abusive, this is your home, you have boundaries -if she doesn't respect them -she leaves. Accusing someone of gadlighting you (something my ex did), is itself abusive. I can't count the number of times by ex accused me of being the hostile, abusive one -it's a "classic" move by a bully.

Chocolino · 08/02/2021 14:00

There is no way I would like my child talk to me like that. My 2 are very demanding and sometimes I feel like I am running a 5* Hotel but they wouldnt get far with an attitude like that.

Sounds like she is a chip off the narcs old block.

The next time she talked to me like that I would be saying:

"When are you moving out again? Need any help packing?" or "Is it any wonder I've got MH issues with you gaslighting me all day every day".

billybagpuss · 08/02/2021 14:02

If you are happy for her to be living with you you need to start shutting down the behaviour. Saying ‘please do not speak to me like that’ then walk away. Do not engage with the ensuing conversation. You must stay calm. Don’t try and justify anything you said or get involved in trying to calm her etc just walk away. Dd did have similar issues to this but not this extreme. Don’t get involved in any histrionics just walk away and get on with something.

Does she also expect you to jump when ever she needs anything if so start being less available and focus on you.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2021 14:02

Seriously, OP, give her a couple of months to go and mean it. Do you feel bad that her father was a narc? It wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t allow her to do this, she’s clearly abusing you. I hope you understand this.

felicity452952 · 08/02/2021 14:04

Hi @Feelingtired75

this situation must be exhausting I really feel for you

I have seen this all before. I think you have two great options

You get help in confidence building and standing up for yourself. You can learn from other women how to say no. Your daughter treats you appallingly, but it's likely that she's very unhappy with other things and you're her channel for letting this out. It Is very cruel and she will probably be very ashamed in a few years time. You need to stand up for yourself it will be difficult at first. But you will need to start saying phrases such as "you will absolutely not speak to me like that". She's walking all over you, but you're also letting her.

Let her go off into the world and live elsewhere and hope distance strengthens your relationship

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 08/02/2021 14:05

You need to sit her down and make it clear, any more of this behaviour and she leaves and finds a house share etc. Im angry on your behalf, shes 21, an adult!

My dd is 19, she is generally polite although can be moody. She just said, ‘Duh’ to me and was told to stop being rude.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 08/02/2021 14:06

As an aside I had a cousin who through her parent my aunt we were all told how she had becoming awful, rude, violent at times, breaking stuff... Turned on her, awful etc.

A few years later the cousin who was in her last year at uni had actually born the brunt of her dp unbelievably acrimonious divorce, her siblings were abusing her because she still spoke to the dad, her dm had become a problem drinker and from 7pm to the early hours screamed at her, telling her how awful she was and couldn't remember anything the next day, cousin had to can ambulance out many times when her dm conked out... Doctor came many times to ask dm to cut back.. But said ultimately can't force people to get help.
Due to the divorce her grant was changed so she couldn't move out and would spend many nights walking at night to get away.

She tried to do her uni work but obviously was in a state of emotional distress for much of the time and on top of the abuse and drinking her dm also deliberately and spitefully lost all the family furniture... When drunk only to realise what she had done later and become an even worse drunk.

The dm would not admit at all she had a drunk issue nor admit why her dd maybe lashing out as well.. It was all presented as totally odd and strange.

I really felt for my cousin because her name was mud when actually she and the dm needed interventions and support.

NoAuthorityAtAll · 08/02/2021 14:07

She needs to move out asap, and whilst she remains living with you, you need to put in place some firm boundaries and stick to them. I’d strongly advise you to get some therapy to explore why you are allowing your daughter to treat you like this and are replaying the dynamic of your relationship with her father. You’re doing her a disservice, as well, by enabling her disgusting behaviour.

Belladonna12 · 08/02/2021 14:07

I also think you need to stop trying so hard. I have a DD of a similar age and I don't ask about things like assays. If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up herself. It is difficult living with parents at her age but some of the stuff she says is really nasty and not on at all. Suggest to her that she moves out as she seems to take you for granted. If she doesn't want to move out, she needs to grow up and stop acting like a young teenager.

Chloemol · 08/02/2021 14:10

Just tell her these are the rules of this house and list them, including being respectful to you

Tell her if she can’t meet these requirements then she needs to leave and find somewhere else to live

00100001 · 08/02/2021 14:10

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

I think you need to cut her some slack. Presumably if you were abused by your husband, she was abused too - at the very least, by witnessing his behaviour and your reaction to it, even if he wasn't physically abusing her. She's just trying to find her way in life, at 21 she's not really an "adult" yet either.

You don't have to be her doormat, but as her mother you need to help her realise she can be a better person than her father.

21 not really an adult.

Really???

TWENTY-ONE?

ThePlantsitter · 08/02/2021 14:10

OP I'm ashamed to admit this but it was a long time ago. I saw my mother horribly emotionally abused (and was similarly abused myself) and you can feel that the victim is pathetic and all the things the abuser said (see, I can't even say 'I felt' that I'm so ashamed).

So in a way she is a victim too - BUT - this HAS to stop and you don't have to live like this any more. In some ways if you came down hard you would be showing her that you ARE powerful and can look out for yourself.

My mum moved into a 1 bed house in the end . We are friends again now. Maybe you could be a bit more direct about it and tell her a) you have an inkling of what she feels and it's understandable but b) it has to stop and c) if it doesn't, she has to move out.

In the end, essentially chucking me out was the very best thing my mum could have done for me. Sometimes we cling to the familiar even though the same horrible patterns are repeating themselves.

00100001 · 08/02/2021 14:13

people who think 21 isn't an adult.... maybe we should go round to these 21 year olds and remove their adult rights...can't drive...can't drink..can't vote... Can't work... can't get married...can't buy a house... Can't make a will
..can't see 18+ films... Can't play the lottery...can't get a credit card...

Sorry old bean, at 21 you're not an adult... 🙄

AllMyPrettyOnes · 08/02/2021 14:14

Tell her to find alternative accommodation.

My mum would have kicked my arse if I had ever dared speak to her like that.

Cadent · 08/02/2021 14:16

She needs to move out, OP. It's your house, not hers. She is living there by your grace and needs to respect that if she wants to continue to live there.

Esspee · 08/02/2021 14:17

Stand up to her. She doesn’t change then she can go do it elsewhere. Just make sure she understands the ultimatum and then stick to your guns.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/02/2021 14:18

Sadly your DD has seen your EXH treating you like this and now maybe she thinks it's normal, or the way to be in charge but either way you shouldn't tolerate it. At 21 she's an adult but she's still acting like an entitled child, thinks she can behave how she likes but with no come back. Time to be strong and make a stand Op, your DD needs to understand quite clearly that she can stay and behave like an adult or she can go and live elsewhere, her choice, you're not throwing her out but you won't put up with this childish disrepect anymore.

AStudyinPink · 08/02/2021 14:24

She's just trying to find her way in life, at 21 she's not really an "adult" yet either.

Of course she’s an adult. She can do everything adults can do, including rent her own place. She just doesn’t want to, she wants to live at home and treat her mum like crap.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 08/02/2021 14:26

I was unpleasant to my mother (not quite this bad) when I was around 17/18. On reflection my parents marriage was breaking down and I was reflecting my Dads attitude towards my mum in some sort of misguided attempt to seek his approval. It all worked out well in the end, but it took a few years for us to smooth it out.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 08/02/2021 14:29

What is stopping you from telling her to leave?

Tal45 · 08/02/2021 14:29

Don't ever walk on eggshells or avoid talking to her please, that is how people behave when they are being abused, don't give her that power because it sounds like she will know she has it.
Whenever she replies rudely to you simply say firmly 'please don't speak like that to me it's rude' and walk away. Don't get into it with her then or later. Don't give her the chance to turn it around on you. Say this every time she is rude without fail and leave her to think about it.

I would not kick her out, she has grown up watching abusive behaviour I assume and is now trying it out herself. She needs to be told it's rude and then left to consider it. She needs to know you're not afraid of her and you will tell her when she is being rude. You need to be clear and confident with her, I think she needs a parent now as much if not more than ever.

saraclara · 08/02/2021 14:30

I hope that some of the women who post about how they're struggling to leave their abusive partners will read this. This is what can happen with DCs who see their DMs abused by their partners. They learn it.

I'm not remotely blaming you, OP. Because it clearly is really hard to leave. But I hope it helps others to realise the damage that is done to children living in a household where there is abuse.

Illberidingshotgun · 08/02/2021 14:30

At 21 I was married with a job, house and mortgage, so she is definitely an adult, and responsible for her actions. No doubt she hasn't had the easiest time of it when you were still with your exh, and she may need professional support to work through that, but it is really no excuse for treating you like this all of the time.

Lay it on the line with her - tell her you find it intolerable, and that you will need her to move out if she does not treat you with kindness and respect. We all snap at loved ones from time to time, but then we apologise, and we certainly don't behave like that all of the time.

NothingIcando · 08/02/2021 14:31

Iam divorced for several yrs now from narc husband

OP, a parent with narcissistic traits is more likely to end up having a child with the same traits.
It's a vicious cycle.

There are ways to properly engage with your daughter to minimise her bad behaviour towards you.

I really recommend you watch some videos on YouTube by Dr. Ramani
She does many videos on issues like yours within the family.

Emeraldshamrock · 08/02/2021 14:33

Oh no that is awful the cheeky miserable sod she might feel justified from the divorce etc but she is not at all she is an adult therefore should speak like an adult in a respectful manner.
She sounds 14.
The break will do you good she isn't a DC anymore.
I do have a draining miserable 6 y.o DC who moans incessantly all day every day it is draining if he doesn't change I'll run off.

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