We're not kind on here

[Empathy2021]

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

Be kind tribe on nethuns

It's kind of the point.

Women are subject to a great deal of pressure to be nice all the time. It's quite deliberate that MN is a place free of that pressure and thus has been built up and reinforced over years of this community. And as pp pointed out, other sites are available for those who want different.

If you don't like how a thread is going, the solution is at your fingertips - post what you think is better

It's not 'once in a while' these threads are posted, it's currently on a daily basis. What did you hope to gain by writing it? That people will read it and think: 'oops yes, I'll appeal to my own self-awareness and know I've been mean, I'll try to rein it in?' If so bad news: it won't happen. If the umpteen variations on this thread haven't worked, one more won't 0make any difference. These people know they're being unkind. In quite a number of cases they're likely even getting a buzz out of it. Either way they don't care.

It would be more effective if people take issue with unkindness when and where they see it. Tell those specific posters, on that specific thread. Report if necessary. It would avoid cluttering the place up with admonitions as to how awful we all are, practically all the time.

Creators of these threads need to be aware they're actively perpetuating the cycle of negativity they claim to dislike so much. Your threads are part of the problem.

There's a lot of nasties on here OP I agree with you.
I don't feel pressured to be nice because I'm a woman, I'm nice because I respect other people and have the emotional intelligence to realise that words can hurt.
If you show compassion you get directed to netmums (already happened on here) because I presume that's where the 'lesser mums' are.

I agree OP. It's not as easy as responding on the thread either as that tends to prompt more rude and dismissive responses. I think people do like being able to be more blunt than in real life to some degree but also there are just some truly nasty people on MN.

There are a number of absolute bitches on here, as in real life. Presumably there are some 'kind' people too, and most are a mix.

I hate being told to be kind. I hate being told what to do.

Some threads really wind me up - 'how can I get my baby to sleep alone - let him cry', makes me so angry at the cruelty influcted on

Why did you have to name change to promise that you'll be kinder though? Are you embarrassed/ashamed/worried about not doing it? It's almost an empty promise.

Accidental early post...
Inflicted on helpless babies. And I've had to hide Baby Names threads. 'Junie nn Felix's-belly' - for goodness sake! Not my business what people call their children, or if they think nicknames are chosen by parents. But those are the threads where I'm likely to say something less than kind.

There's a lot of good on MN - support for people at difficult times in their lives, or when they have no-one else to talk to.

I know it won't be popular but I agree with this, with caveats. And I think the "get over to nethuns" riposte is a lame get-out-of-jail-free card.

The caveats are important: AIBU is supposed to be a forum for robust and frank debate and if you are feeling super fragile or just want your ego massaged you shouldn't do it. And posters shouldn't feel they can't speak directly to an OP.

But that doesn't mean people should feel its open season to kick someone who is obviously struggling with an incredibly difficult, potentially life-changing situation. Just out of common decency I think we should all check ourselves a bit.

And yes it should be reported/dealt with in the moment. But that doesn't get you off the hook for being a twat to someone who is in pain.

You always get a few absolute bellends on here who use it being an advice forum to just be controversial and rude, I tend to ignore them mostly and just give a general ‘what shit advice’ message if I feel the OP may find it disheartening.

FWIW I’m not kind IRL, I am considerate of another person’s feelings, but only to a point. I won’t upset or majorly inconvenience myself to make others feel better, after all I’m bringing up two little girls and I don’t want them to see their mother pandering to the world - especially to men - it’s not a great example to set.

I hadn't thought about it from the viewpoint that women are socialised to be nice and need some relief from that. I can understand that.

And I don't like being told to be kind (or to do anything to be honest) either, so I'm sorry for that!

I don't know what I hoped to gain by writing the post. Maybe one person would be abit nicer? I guess it was pretty naive of me.

I don't want us to be all flowers and unicrons and rainbows. I'm not talking about be fake nice. I just meant not being an absolute twat to someone.

I name changed because I was the OP a couple of weeks ago who got a proper arsehiding for nothing and it's been playing on my mind. I didn't want anyone linking back to that thread.

I get that people can be wound up about stuff and need a release.

Fair enough! My bad!

I don’t come here to be kind
I don’t deliberately set out to hurt anyone either but to me “be kind” is a way of shutting women up.

Some go on th internet when they have had no one to turn to in real life. To then be trolled is absolutely soul destroying. I think it's important to raise this issue. We, as a community, seem to turn a blind eye most of the time and say, 'Ah, well, that's what people are like', and, more cynically, I think HQ lets many comments slide. After all, people find it entertaining in a rubber necker kind of way so it's more traffic for them.

I've reported a number of posts that absolutely should have been deleted but haven't and I often follow the motto of post something better to change the slant of the thread but it's not enough.

We can do better

why NC to start a thread telling people to be kind?
these omg mn is full of meanies are 10 a penny now.

YANBU! I think everyone shouldn't be all "aww hun" and saying what the OP wants to hear. Sometimes straight talking is what someone needs.
Also nothing wrong with a heated debate and putting a different opinion across.

There is a lot of nastiness for the sake of it though and threads where the first few pages are total pile ons where posters seem to be falling over themselves to stick the boot in.

The "Nethuns is that way ➡️➡️ thing is very boring now.

I do really hate the "be kind" thing though!

It is a problem, the aggression and attacking of a person who is vulnerable. It can be a bear pit here. It is the Internet so there can be all sorts of anonymous people here with their own agenda.

Some go on th internet when they have had no one to turn to in real life. To then be trolled is absolutely soul destroying.

I've taken issue with numerous people on these kinds of threads for exactly this. If they [OP] then turn out to be making up porkies for their own entertainment then the worst that can happen is I'll look mildly silly. I can live with that.

It's easy to take issue with bullying on a thread, because if the rude snarkiness is then turned around against you, you don't have to engage with it. If someone wants to provoke angst in other people (the very definition of trolling) they will find nothing more irritating than the realisation they're arguing with fresh air. I got reeled in once and haven't repeated that mistake. 'Never wrestle with a pig', I think the saying goes.

I do take on board that some people might find not find this any too easy. But there's still the report function. And threads like this are still going to make no difference (nor will calling other posters sexist pejoratives like 'bitches' exactly improve the current climate). Call me cynical, but it's pointless appealing to some people's better natures if they haven't got one.

I agree, to a point, but honestly sometimes it's frustration (on AIBU) with people who have blindly sleepwalked into a situation or such.

I don't want to make it a thread about a thread but along the lines of - I do everything around the house, breastfeed triplets all night and send all DH's family's cards. He says I'm BU to expect a cup of tea, am I?

I know there is gaslighting and emotional abuse there, but it's so hard to see husbands, mothers, MiLs, and sisters getting away with treating OPs like shit.

Of course some people are cowbags but I do believe some others are trying to give a verbal shake by the shoulders.

@Hoppinggreen

I don’t come here to be kind I don’t deliberately set out to hurt anyone either but to me “be kind” is a way of shutting women up.

I get the point about "be kind" being a way to shut women up but I think this is a bit specious in this context.

We're not talking about a Jackie Weaver scenario where men are using "be kind" to put women back in their box. We're talking about (in 99% of cases) women kicking other women because they feel like a fight.

I'm a passionate believer in the right to be frank, robust and not having to censor yourself to appear "nice" or scare the horses. But this isn't what this is about. This is about nasty people trolling people who are confused, upset or in trouble. Let's call a spade a spade.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks yes, very true. Naively maybe, I can but try

Another point is that Be Kind came about during the pandemic and wasn't specifically aimed at women. It popped up a lot in public settings as people were getting abused and it is used more widely now. I suppose it has become a bit overused but I have no problem with it, in general. I can't disagree with the sentiment that it's not OK to be rude to people. If anything, the concept of Be Kind is long overdue, imo

I think the honesty, sometimes brutality I've been exposed to and engaged in on MN has given me a thicker skin IRL. I wouldn't be so likely to shy away from an uncomfortable discussion now. I will put my opinion across if I believe it to be valid. I joined about 4 years ago and yes agree sometimes it can be nasty on the receiving end unnecessarily mean comments on AIBU.
I think most appreciate that if you're feeling delicate, don't post on AIBU. Many of the other boards are gentler.

These (many) threads are generally started by people who have started a thread and not had it go their way.

It's always women and girls that have to be kind and play nicely, and share, isn't it?

Wow. How original

@Seatime

It is a problem, the aggression and attacking of a person who is vulnerable. It can be a bear pit here. It is the Internet so there can be all sorts of anonymous people here with their own agenda.

I agree @seatime.