We're not kind on here

[Empathy2021]

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

@Servalan

I personally don't mind the bluntness. It's when people get personal on very little information and come out with statements like "you're obviously a really sad person with a lonely life". "You deserve for your DC to never want to see you again" "I hope your DH leaves you" etc, etc that sticks in my craw. There's no need for it and sometimes it's actually downright abusive.

I don't remember MNers being that personal when I first started using the site 13 or so years ago. Robust and opinionated yes - I might see the odd face or "get a grip", but not character assassinations based on very little.

YES I hate the 'be kind' mantra and 'scroll past' makes me roll my eyes but there are some right knobs on here who invent entire scenarios based on the one or two paragraphs in a post.

I tend to find everywhere on here pretty friendly and supportive but not AIBU. You have to have a thick skin if you're going to post something in there. I think the problem is people go on there asking AIBU, usually thinking they're not, and when people start telling them they are BU they get defensive and start trying to justify why they think they're reasonable. This then gets peoples backs up. If you genuinely feel that you're being reasonable then why are you posting here? The worst thing to do is to retaliate, if you ask people's opinions you've got to be willing to take them on board and thank people for their honesty and taking the time to give you their opinion. Not battle against them. I do agree some people take it too far with their opinions and are unkind, those people need to be ignored. Don't give oxygen to them as it'll only make them worse! It's easy to be spiteful and nasty when you're anonymous.

When it comes down to it, people's lives are complex. Everyone royally fucks up once in a while or needs a reality check etc.

I think there's a big difference between stating an opinion that an OP (who has invited opinion) has handled a particular scenario pretty badly on the occasion that they are posting about, and saying, for example, that an OP is a controlling narcissist who will drive everyone they love away in the end (not had that said to me personally, but have seen similar on here).

It is very possible for folks to lead worthwhile lives whilst acting like a dick on the odd occasion...

Anytime an OP starts in with a collective 'we' instead of speaking for themselves, my eyes glaze over. It becomes 'I' when it suits them. As for the whole kindness thing, please. I wonder if Dadsnet has reams of threads berating each other for not being kind? Doubt it.

If it's kindness and emotional support I need I don't go to MN's busiest boards. Some of the more specialist forums on here I see very little but kindness and warmth. AIBU, Chat, Relationships, though- no chance.

I do take the point about people who post in AIBU that are not interested in being told anything other than everyone else is at fault.

However, I've also seen folk post in AIBU who seem to be asking genuinely and who take responses on board and say fair enough - only to then have further pages and pages of needless insults chucked at them.

Yes! People so keen to stick the boot in that they read the OP and then barge in on page 13 with a YABU after OP has already dumped the boyfriend or whatever.

One thing I see a lot is PPs having a go at the OP for doing things they haven't actually done. What they've done is have a rant, expressing what they felt like saying to the person concerned (for example, a teacher). Often they know that they shouldn't go in all guns blazing.

You then always get the accusation from some PPs that they must be 'that parent'. If they'd posted to say that they'd already sent off the email, that would make them 'that parent', but almost invariably they haven't. They're just venting, the way we all do when stressed, they're just doing it on AIBU rather than in RL.

This is where AIBU can really work. I've come on here in the past with an AIBU question, knowing that I'll be told in no uncertain terms if I'm being U. But all too often you get a pile on from posters who probably haven't read the thread sticking the boot in for fun. Including those who just put 'YABU' without saying why. Very lazy IMHO.

@borntohula

Ugh people have really latched on to the 'kind' part. No, no one has to 'bekind' to every single person, no matter what. The thing about MN is that people are often just wankers for the sake of it. Maybe 'don't be a cunt' would be better.

Agreed. There's a massive difference between being kind and not being a cunt. If you can't distinguish between the two, you're probably a cunt.

Agreed. There's a massive difference between being kind and not being a cunt. If you can't distinguish between the two, you're probably a cunt.

^This is very likely, yes.