We're not kind on here

[Empathy2021]

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

Sparklingbrook too right, the bitches.

Good post @InTheNightWeWillWish (and a rather lovely username too)

@AuntieStella I do post in that way but it often gets lost if the culture of the thread is swinging the other way. From personal experience, Ihave found it helped, whereas the other way didn't

Is there really a fine line between being people pleasers and being out and out rude? People do better when they consider other people's feelings - in relationships, be it professional or personal.

I also think some aggressive posters have their own issues. I remember reading a particularly nasty comment once and that poster popped up elsewhere saying how angry she was all the time and didn't know how to resolve it. I could see that this wasn't healthy for her either and coming on here having a go at people was self perpetuating

I don't know what I hoped to gain by writing the post. Maybe one person would be abit nicer? I guess it was pretty naive of me.

For me, one of the main positives of AIBU is that people tend to say what they want to say without feeling they have to sugar-coat it.

I wouldn't go into the the other boards and post and be so 'to the point', but AIBU is exactly where people come to be told that yes, they should indeed 'get a grip' or that is really is 'just me' who thinks xyz...

If it was all 'you ok hun? xx' no one would get a straight answer.

For me, all the 'be kind' bollocks is in fact partly to blame for bitchiness that pops up elsewhere. If people are oppressed into not saying what they think because it's 'not kind' then that frustration tends to come out in other ways.

By the way, abit isn't a word (and nor is alot, for that matter).

Excellent post, InTheNightWeWillWish. People should think before they post, but that goes for the OPs as much as those who respond. A lot of AIBU threads are ill-advised or goady to start with. Some posters do give unnecessarily snarky or nasty replies, but that's because there are some unpleasant people in the world - it's not specifically an MN thing.

MechantGourmet

I dunno, I think we'll have to agree to disagree. Yes there are tons of people who just need to get a grip and they should be told.

But there's also a shocking amount of people just being gratuitous cunts: chucking in unsolicited advice to people about their relationships, their parenting in very brutal terms when its not called for, character assassinations etc.

The "don't tell women to be kind" thing has been a bit warped and misused in this context: it would be fine if we were talking about a bunch of blokes telling a woman to mind her language at a board meeting or whatever but the appropriate analogy here is actually the popular girls who know the lingo ganging up on the scared new kid who hasn't learned the ropes. I think we should be honest enough to admit this without just screaming "don't tell women to be kind" as a blanket riposte to everyone who questions this. The target is misplaced here.

Ultimately this is an advice and opinion board. Sure, you can be an arsehole if you want to. It's a free country. But to the extent that you want your advice and opinions to land effectively, its worth couching them in ways which don't just make people crumble and hate you on sight.

Its honestly awful but I know these women are miserable deep down.

I think there are a lot of bitter people here whose shit wouldn't be tolerated in real life so they come here to get their frustrations out by being cunts while hiding behind their anonymity. It's quite sad really.

There were four threads on a topic the other day where women were trying to be empathetic at first while analysing and informing at the same time. Being kind did not work when the emerging troll was Unmasked on thread 5. Women are always told we should be kind but on some topics, many of us have had enough. When are men told to be kind? I have seen a lot of support here but sometimes in AIBU it seems that attention is demanded rather than sensitive replies!

The 'be kind' slogan has been misappropriated and can come accross as fake. How about 'Hey, don't be an asshole! '. I've seen some genuinely distressed people here be destroyed, when the sharks smell blood, they appear.

I have a strong belief in what goes around comes around. Karma is real!

There's a massive difference in being kind than agreeing with everything an OP says though.
Some opinions are batshit..... they need robust argument. Maybe some are diberately argumentative. It is basically an online forum with of anonymous individuals and any personal or rude posts are removed so it isn't so bad.

it is the situation all over social media.

@Fatandfifty49

Some go on th internet when they have had no one to turn to in real life. To then be trolled is absolutely soul destroying. I think it's important to raise this issue. We, as a community, seem to turn a blind eye most of the time and say, 'Ah, well, that's what people are like', and, more cynically, I think HQ lets many comments slide. After all, people find it entertaining in a rubber necker kind of way so it's more traffic for them.

I've reported a number of posts that absolutely should have been deleted but haven't and I often follow the motto of post something better to change the slant of the thread but it's not enough.

We can do better

Totally agree with you

I wonder if an element of it relates to the demographic of mnet. There is a relatively high proportion of women on here working as experts in professional fields where what they are valued for is their opinion, given honestly and not sugar coated or diluted.

In my working life having the guts to give a clear & robust opinion, knowing it isnt always what someone wants to hear, and stand by that opinion where necessary, is extremely important. I'm sure I'm not alone in that and perhaps it informs how people respond to being asked their view.

Some go on th internet when they have had no one to turn to in real life.

There's a separate societal issue there and it doesnt make it AIBU's job to fill that gap.

To then be trolled is absolutely soul destroying.

People voicing their opinions bluntly isnt trolling. Most people on MNET arent lying there ready to pounce on any thread with trigger words in.

I've been on the receiving end of the nasty comments (when posting under a different user name) on AIBU and I agree that it can get really nasty on here.

People disagreeing with me - well yes - when I've posted on AIBU I have chosen that board because I wanted honest opinions, and tiny acidic quips - kind of fair enough, I'd expect that.

However, being on the receiving end of "your DD will want nothing to do with you when they grow up", "your DD would be better off living with her dad" (without the context that he is actually quite emotionally abusive), "you must live a really sad and lonely life" being flung at you - is fucking horrible and unnecessary when people only see a tiny snapshot of your life on these posts and have no idea of the struggles you may be living with or the things that you do right as a parent.

I've been on here for a long time and while there was ALWAYS robust opinion, that often seems to have morphed into being shitty for the sake of it. Don't really see how that helps anyone. The robust opinions tended to come with support, too.
Strangely, we're all asked to think of excuses for why people aren't wearing masks/are dragging their toddler through the freezing cold snow in a nappy/are 30 stone overweight. For some reason people posting on that type of issue get a free pass.

while there was ALWAYS robust opinion, that often seems to have morphed into being shitty for the sake of it.
Could not agree more!!

Robust, no nonsense, straight talking utterly has its place. But a large number of commenters on here don’t seek out to do that, they purposely choose their words to be as pointed and bile laced as possible, often with a “funny” (and I use they term loosely) tone, to get as many clapping hands emojis or “hear hear” comments as possible. It’s not done in anyway to help the op, it’s to either release some of their own internalised hatred or the garner the “respect” of other self-serving narcissistic trolls on here.

Ignoring them would be the best strategy as they lose their impact but this is obviously difficult when you have posters reaching out for real help, often vulnerable, and that’s who they single out.

Yes - that's the thing - I have found robust opinion helpful when I've been on AIBU. Robust opinion on the thing you are posting on is fair enough. When I've posted on AIBU it has been because I genuinely haven't been sure if I've been unreasonable. If it's about making mistakes parenting a teenager, it is because I'm new to this. You can robustly/bluntly tell someone they are making a mistake, why they are making it (I have always taken advice on board here and it's helpful) without attacking people.

It's when you end up having nasty personal attacks. It can get quite abusive.

I have seen some pretty poor quality advice under the guise of being robust, too, with the addendum of, 'well, if you don't listen to us, it's your fault you're in this mess.' I've seen people with toddlers giving on teenagers, for example. On others, I've seen a child that could possibly have some kind of issue that needs professional input and there's a pile on from NT parents.

I think most people could take a bit of non-sugar coating if it's coming from someone who knows what they're talking about. I even agree there's a place for intelligent debate. But what I'm referring to are people who are piling on just because everyone else is and the whole thread descending into chaos and not helping anyone nor adding any particular entertainment either - unless you're a Sun journalist.

I have been accused of lying about daughters health to the point I posted a picture of her medical supplies with a note of my username !

I was jumped on a post about buying a new house about how terrible a mother was as I don’t care about my 14 year old DS because in a previous thread I was stressed as DD now 8 was admitted to hospital just before Xmas with sepsis and due to covid it meant I was the only person allowed in.
So I had to decide which child I was going to spend Xmas with.
If I stayed at home... dd would of been alone in a isolated cubicle ( there was no acitivifirs etc ) is I stayed in the hospital with her my family would be at home with His step dad and baby sister.
It made me the a bad parent who didn’t care about teen son because I stayed with his sister in hospital.

People can be very unkind.

I think the idea that people are giving 'robust' opinions or 'not sugar-coating' are red herrings tbh. You can give a clear opinion without adding the rudeness and insult. There is a big difference between saying "I don't agree with you" and "I don't agree with you, give your head a wobble, you're vile and clearly your whole family are going to leave you and indeed they should as you are a despicable human being". There is no need for the latter and pretending this is just being robust is just an excuse really.