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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We're not kind on here

160 replies

Empathy2021 · 08/02/2021 08:42

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

OP posts:
PurpleWh1teGreen · 08/02/2021 22:30

I don’t make a habit of being deliberately unkind but “be kind” always makes me want to behave like a foot stomping toddler.

It’s not kind to let a deluded OP believe they are correct when they are badly misinformed.
It’s not kind to let begging threads stand unchallenged
It’s not kind to let other gullible posters feed a froth troll

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 08/02/2021 22:37

Sometimes I'm nice and full of empathy and sympathy for a poster.

Sometimes I'm a dick.

Some posters are deserving of help,support and kindness, some aren't.

Some posters are nice. Some are dicks.

Just like in real life.

Not to mention the troll threads that are designed specifically to garner a strong response, be that kind or "flaming". Anything other than "meh" gives them what they want.

Mittens030869 · 08/02/2021 22:46

@MechantGourmet I think in those cases, there's often MH issues involved. That can make it very hard for them to make decisions. I've coped with this with my DB and a couple of good friends. Same conversations repeated almost verbatim over again.

It's frustrating when it's someone you're close to in real life, but I can't get worked up about it on here. I can, however, understand why, if you really put a lot of thought into how to help an OP, you might be fed up when you see that same thread again and again.

SqeakyHindge · 08/02/2021 22:48

Vote YABU.

AIBU forum was always about exactly that. No bullshit straight up answers to questions am surprised that still confuse it as I need you all to agree with otherwise your meanies.

Maybe you kind is different to my kind as I remember when cunt was commonly used and it was acceptable to call someone a twat.

Get a grip? Is that still used.

I’m bit meh that you had to change name if you know you was being a dick go back and say so.

SqeakyHindge · 08/02/2021 22:51

I was going to let grammar police correct my post but guess they no longer around

Chicchicchicchiclana · 08/02/2021 23:12

We are having these threads every day now! Don't log on to Mumsnet if you aren't enjoying it!

Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2021 06:59

@Chicchicchicchiclana

We are having these threads every day now! Don't log on to Mumsnet if you aren't enjoying it!
Yes it’s the daily ‘People on MN are all Meanies’ moany thread. Grin
Flapjak · 09/02/2021 08:01

Being told to be kind makes me feel patronised. Men dont get asked to be kind. I find all this 'kindness' stuff infantalising. Ill be respectful and , supportive, maybe empathise deoending on the situation. I am kind to children, but i expect adults to have a bit more emotional substance and fortitude.

VinterKvinna · 09/02/2021 08:07

@Koolandorthegang

Wow. How original Hmm
Yes Shit I had forgotten about being kind....

To be honest though, it's tiring to read about absolute walkovers who seem to struggle to tie their own shoe laces

wellthatsunusual · 09/02/2021 08:13

@Flapjak

Being told to be kind makes me feel patronised. Men dont get asked to be kind. I find all this 'kindness' stuff infantalising. Ill be respectful and , supportive, maybe empathise deoending on the situation. I am kind to children, but i expect adults to have a bit more emotional substance and fortitude.
Agreed.

'Be kind' to many people seems to mean pandering to everyone else's feelings and telling them they can do no wrong, because it's 'unkind' to be anything less than 100% supporting, even if the person's behaviour is selfish, or indeed unkind.

There are so many people who can't accept the mildest disagreement or debate, without accusing others of being horrible bullies. It's tedious.

borntohula · 09/02/2021 08:21

Ugh people have really latched on to the 'kind' part. No, no one has to 'bekind' to every single person, no matter what. The thing about MN is that people are often just wankers for the sake of it. Maybe 'don't be a cunt' would be better.

Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2021 08:23

I don't get why you would want to post on a site if you didn't like it that much and think everyone is mean. Nobody is forcing anyone to be here (well not that I know of).

Monty27 · 09/02/2021 08:31

I've in all my days and there's been a few heard such utter negative comments about a forum initially to support parenthood @mumsnet and to see this utter shit posted is just beyond my comprehension
#checkoutcomprehension

grapewine · 09/02/2021 08:37

@MechantGourmet

Good post *@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland*
Seconded.

Also these be kind posts are every other day now. It's been done. YABU to namechange for this tbh.

user1471462428 · 09/02/2021 08:39

This forum makes me laugh sometimes with its competitive unkindness and bluntness. I even had a rude reply on a thread whether you can get TSS from a moon cup!!!
I also got another funny reply on the FSM thread telling me I shouldn’t be ashamed to pick my daughters box but then in the same statement the PP said she had been ashamed of getting FSM... it’s an odd place.

Fatandfifty49 · 09/02/2021 08:49

If it's every other day, maybe there's a point in there somewhere? It is not a case of anything goes on the internet anymore.

Anycrispsleft · 09/02/2021 08:51

Apparently at its inception AIBU was supposed to be this snarky, no nonsense thread where people would post situations where they were really being unreasonable and wanted someone to tell them to give themselves a shake. Well, it's changed. The last 5 years minimum it's become far and away the busiest bit of Talk, and it's full of people who've come up against some sort of aggression or unfriendly behaviour, who're a bit shaken, and just want someone to say "no you don't deserve to be spoken to like that." And also just a lot of people who are looking for a bit of advice and post in here because they will get a response in minutes rather than hours or days. I just don't see why it is worth to people to be nasty to these folk, just because 10 years ago or whatever this place was cooler and snarkier than it is now. Even the folk who are blatantly BU. If you really reckon it's important that they hear that, why go in all guns blazing and give them a reason to explain away your comment as pure nastiness? Why not soft pedal a bit, acknowledge the difficulty of their situation, then they might actually hear you?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/02/2021 08:53

There is a difference between honest/blunt and being needlessly rude. I don't think it would hurt any of us to avoid the latter. It's true that what constitutes honest versus rude could be subjective, but I think most people are aware of when they are being deliberately nasty and it isn't necessary.

I think posters have to keep in mind that we are all talking to a bunch of strangers, who have zero impact on our real lives and who don't really matter. If we can remember that, then some person frothing at you because you've said something they don't like, has much less impact.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 09/02/2021 09:18

The fact that you’ve name changed for this, no matter the reason, undermines your post. Seems kind of cowardly.

Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2021 09:27

@Fatandfifty49

If it's every other day, maybe there's a point in there somewhere? It is not a case of anything goes on the internet anymore.
No, it's just that every other day a poster starts a thread, doesn't get the responses they wanted and starts a thread about how awful this place is on the back of it!

There are loads of threads that are absolutely fine and drama free.

Samcro · 09/02/2021 09:56

@FlamingGreatGalaahs

I think you're right OP. I think people hide behind the anonymity. Be nicer folks 😘😘😘😘😘
you mean like the OP who has nc?
ilovesooty · 09/02/2021 12:07

There now seem to be increasing numbers of posters who post in AIBU regardless of the topic get huffy when their 'lighhearted' thread doesn't go the way they expected and immediately get MNHQ to delete it. It's as if some people can't take responsibility for thinking that people's situations vary before they start threads. In addition to that there are increasing numbers of threads, often by disgruntled name changers exhorting people to "be kind".

feistyoneyouare · 09/02/2021 12:47

Being told to be kind makes me feel patronised. Men dont get asked to be kind.

Then they should. But tbh I think those who are snarling that 'be kind' has some sort of sexist agenda are being disingenuous. I've never seen it expressed as 'be kind, women'. It's not gender-specific. Those who are seeing misogyny in this are seeing it because it suits their agenda, imho.

I find all this 'kindness' stuff infantalising. Ill be respectful and , supportive, maybe empathise deoending on the situation. I am kind to children, but i expect adults to have a bit more emotional substance and fortitude.

@Flapjak not all adults are created equal. Expecting others to attempt to calibrate their resilience levels according to what you personally think they should be able to cope with is arrogant.

People have varying levels of emotional strength and resilience for all sorts of reasons. Resilience is pretty reliant on what is going on in a person's life at a given time, in my experience, and none of us can ever fully know what someone else is going through unless we are very close to that person. Sometimes not even then. It's popular to deride mental health issues as an 'excuse' on MN, but those can be a factor too. When people are kind to me I don't feel infantilised. I feel cared about.

Servalan · 09/02/2021 15:19

I personally don't mind the bluntness. It's when people get personal on very little information and come out with statements like "you're obviously a really sad person with a lonely life". "You deserve for your DC to never want to see you again" "I hope your DH leaves you" etc, etc that sticks in my craw. There's no need for it and sometimes it's actually downright abusive.

I don't remember MNers being that personal when I first started using the site 13 or so years ago. Robust and opinionated yes - I might see the odd Hmm face or "get a grip", but not character assassinations based on very little.

Servalan · 09/02/2021 15:22

I understand that instructions to "be kind" can seem somewhat anodyne - perhaps "have a bit of fucking empathy" could be applied now and again though - that's less passive and more active...