We're not kind on here

[Empathy2021]

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

On 2 other posts at the moment. Some of the replies to OPs are so uneccesarily harsh. AIBU callous style is permeating everywhere like a stink so you can't get away from it anymore, like you could a few years back.

It's not that everything has to be fluffy and kind. It's about uncalled for really grim replies that change tone of thread, & pile more stress onto an already upset OP.

I agree with you.
Even if we don't agree there is a way to say so without being bitchy.
I often think that some posters on here are very aggressive because they are anonymous. In real life they probably would not say boo to a goose.
And some of you know who you are.

There are posters who are unnecessarily mean but there are also many OP who don't realise that people in real life are more polite and probably thinking along the lines of those "get a grip" type replies so not to be so defensive. It's fine to say "this happened and I'd like sympathy or to hear similar stories please" to get the awww kind of responses but if you ask for honest opinions (especially on AIBU) then you need to brace yourself

Seatime
It is a problem, the aggression and attacking of a person who is vulnerable. It can be a bear pit here. It is the Internet so there can be all sorts of anonymous people here with their own agenda.

^This with bells on. Sometimes there are posters who seem to develop a real antipathy towards the OP and have made it weirdly personal. I really don’t understand how it’s possible to react so strongly to an anonymous poster on the Internet.

I noticed last year that the people posting Be Kind memes on social media were the school and office bullies. It's all fake.

Mumsnet is anonymous, so Be Kind goes out of the window, as it is unlikely to be traced back to you irl.

I think you're right OP.
I think people hide behind the anonymity.
Be nicer folks 😘😘😘😘😘

@Hailtomyteeth

There are a number of absolute bitches on here, as in real life. Presumably there are some 'kind' people too, and most are a mix.

I hate being told to be kind. I hate being told what to do.

Some threads really wind me up - 'how can I get my baby to sleep alone - let him cry', makes me so angry at the cruelty influcted on

I agree- it's not spoiling you child, its basic need fulfilment. FTR, mine breastfed, exclusively DS1 6 months, DS2 4.5 months when ge would take my food off my fork then 2 years 2 months til weaned. I never let them cry anything out - my ears would not have taken that

Co slept til 3 both too.

3,2,1 go, comments, kind or not. Unless thus is taken off as off topic

Well you can be straight to the point without being cruel.

Perhaps that’s what is needed.

If someone asks for advice and opinions then they do have accept that not all the answers received will be what they want to hear.

But there’s absolutely no need to tear someone down with cruel, derogative language or insults.

It isn’t necessary to say “you’re being an entitled cheeky bitch” when you could say it equally as plainly without the insult.

But some people ARE arseholes and they have no other place to exhibit that behaviour

You don’t have to go out of your way to “be kind” you could just reverse and say don’t go out of your way to be a prick

@Mittens030869
really don’t understand how it’s possible to react so strongly to an anonymous poster on the Internet

I think it's down to some posters becoming a real annoyance, because they post threads time and time again about the same thing but never take on board any advice, so two months later, same thread again. Amazingly, their situation hasn't changed
Why ask for advice if you don't want to take any?
I just close their threads tbh, but in the past I might have tried to help the first ten times

I noticed last year that the people posting Be Kind memes on social media were the school and office bullies. It's all fake.

Indeed. Just as right here is a thread bemoaning the meanness of others and promoting 'Be Kind', but full of posts referring to other women as 'bitches' and 'arseholes'.

How very charitable. Weren't you trying to set yourselves up as above that sort of thing?

If it annoys you so much, how about just scrolling past the thread? I genuinely don't understand anyone becoming so invested?

I also never bother with advanced searches anyway.

I do- I said that in my post!

Yes I saw that after I'd posted my last comment. I apologise, I didn't read it properly. But I wasn't only addressing you, it was a query more about those who do go on haranguing an OP.

Two months isn't a long time to make changes, though. If it is something big such as a divorce or changing careers, it takes time. Some people aren't ready for a change either and are posting more to bounce ideas around so they aren't necessarily wasting time

I get what you say, but some of the original post posters simply can’t be helped. If you don’t agree with them, they get nasty, it’s always some one else’s fault

Sometimes you simply can’t help people

I completely agree with you.

The amount of posts I've written, only
To "hide" them or delete my Mumsnet app for a while due to really vile, unnecessary responses.

I have never commented anything nasty on someone's post as I wouldn't say those nasty things in real life. In fact, I've never met anyone in my life that has ever actually said anything vile to me. I think the reality of it is that there are a lot of cowards out there. These people can hide behind their computers and write disgusting comments and make people feel like absolute sacks of shit, and yet they clearly get off on it. I can only imagine that those certain people are incredibly unhappy in their own lives and come here to take it out on others.

Isn't that the point of AIBU? People are posting about things that are unreasonable!
Also a lot of threads do not belong on here... if people were looking for actual advice they should go to the elevant chat topic

There's a difference between "YABU because ... and ... would be more productive" and "YABU you bastard, you sound horrible and you're a terrible parent."

I'm all for the former. The latter is just being a dick. Not sugar coating doesn't mean name calling. There's a whole world in between.

I’m curious as to why you n/c’d.

Is it to stop us looking at the nasty or snide comments you say you have made previously as they won’t go hand in hand with the be kind plea?

I know you are determined to be different and fair play for that.

But to call for empathy when you haven’t said sorry to the ones you have been snide or nasty to in your post?

We all say things we regret in life and on here.

If you feel bad enough to create a thread about being nicer then I think a sorry would have made the point more. 🤷‍♀️

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

I’m curious as to why you n/c’d.

Is it to stop us looking at the nasty or snide comments you say you have made previously as they won’t go hand in hand with the be kind plea?

I know you are determined to be different and fair play for that.

But to call for empathy when you haven’t said sorry to the ones you have been snide or nasty to in your post?

We all say things we regret in life and on here.

If you feel bad enough to create a thread about being nicer then I think a sorry would have made the point more. 🤷‍♀️

OP apparently got battered on a thread which is why she posted this, Sheldon (Hiya btw 😘)

Christ, look at all the edgy types banging on about women having to be kind. Stop talking bullshit. If you like bullying people, just fucking own it. NOBODY should be tearing potentially vulnerable people to shreds just because they're anonymous.

Hiya RootyT00t 😘

Fair enough if that is how you nc’d OP (I missed it)

@Fatandfifty49

Two months isn't a long time to make changes, though. If it is something big such as a divorce or changing careers, it takes time. Some people aren't ready for a change either and are posting more to bounce ideas around so they aren't necessarily wasting time

I meant a thread, then two months later identical thread. Then another two Months later same thing again, and another one in another two months... Not just one post, then two months later no changes. I could name posters that exemplify this, but that would be rather mean.

@borntohula

Christ, look at all the edgy types banging on about women having to be kind. Stop talking bullshit. If you like bullying people, just fucking own it. NOBODY should be tearing potentially vulnerable people to shreds just because they're anonymous.

Fair enough @MechantGourmet