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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We're not kind on here

160 replies

Empathy2021 · 08/02/2021 08:42

Name changed.

I've sometimes read an AIBU and left a snidey or sarky comment. It's made me chuckle in the moment. It's just a fleeting remark and then I've gone off and got on with my day.

But to be on the receiving end of that comment must really hurt. I'm sure this has been said a thousand times on here, but MN can be really toxic.

I know we all have a choice. Stay or go. Scroll past. Blah, blah, blah. But it's a shame if it has to come to that.

All too often I see OPs told to "get a grip", or they're "overreacting", or "welcome to the real world" or they're "loons" or whatever. It's not very helpful. And then the OP either disappears or goes on the defensive, which isn't healthy either.

If we were more careful with our wording or tried to show more empathy, the OP would be able to solve their problem that bit quicker.

It's upsetting that most of us are women on here (I assume) and we take such pleasure in bringing each other down. The world is already massively fucked up at the moment. People come on here either because they have a genuine problem (and I've seen some amazing responses on MN where women have really helped each other out) or for a bit of a moan. And we read it for entertainment or light relief. And then we take the piss or tear them to shreds. It's not right.

I'll probably get twatted now for even bringing it up. It's not an original thread. It's been done a gazillion times. But, it can't hurt to think about it once in a while.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to be a bit kinder on here. It seems empathy really is a precious commodity on MN sometimes.

OP posts:
Smallgoon · 08/02/2021 11:50

Some women only get their kicks from bullying... My guessing is it helps distract them from their own boring, miserable lives/marriages.

Servalan · 08/02/2021 11:54

@Whattheactual20201 I'm so sorry to read you were subjected that that when your family was going through such a difficult time. I hope your daughter's health has improved. Flowers

The other thing I notice with AIBU (and other boards on here) is that people will post without seeing whether the OP has changed their position or posted up further contextualising information. It's not hard to do now there's the "see next" function under the OP's posts

Floisme · 08/02/2021 11:57

I see plenty of kindness on Mumsnet. I also see meanness, good humour, patience, impatience, anger, wit, cleverness, stroppiness and sometimes outright nastiness. It's the nearest thing I know to women talking in real life with no audience. No we are not nice all the time, because we are human beings not saints.

Fatandfifty49 · 08/02/2021 11:58

Yes, and adding context gets the accusation of a drip feed. It's tedious and unintelligent. I could write the script of some types of thread

wigglerose · 08/02/2021 12:00

i think there is a lot of robust discussion.

However there is also a lot of egregious insults - one poster was called vile and other names yesterday for not changing her clothes enough (according to some posters). those insults need to stop.

MechantGourmet · 08/02/2021 12:06

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Some go on th internet when they have had no one to turn to in real life.

There's a separate societal issue there and it doesnt make it AIBU's job to fill that gap.

To then be trolled is absolutely soul destroying.

People voicing their opinions bluntly isnt trolling. Most people on MNET arent lying there ready to pounce on any thread with trigger words in.

Indeed, @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland The word 'trolling' has been hijacked in the same way as 'bullying'.
LastDuchessFerrara · 08/02/2021 12:11

I hadn't thought about it from the viewpoint that women are socialised to be nice and need some relief from that. I can understand that

I agree wholeheartedly with your first post, however, I take issue with the above. Woman being socialised to be kind/next doesn't give them free rein to be arseholes to other posters. That's not exactly challenging the patriarchy.

We should ask ourselves "would I say this to their face in real life?". If we did, I'm sure there would be a lot less "here have a grip' "you sound hard work" and other such tripe dished out.

Sillysandy · 08/02/2021 13:17

I do not need people to sugarcoat responses and I have no issue with blunt straight-talking responses.

My major gripe with AIBU is the large proportion of posters spouting their ill-founded assumptions as fact. "He is cheating on you, don't be a mug" and then the whole thing gets sidetracked as the OP who asked how WhatsApp works gets sidetracked or defensive.

Hilariously then the whole thing becomes an AIBU about whether the replies are mean or if OP is mean and if she was, was it warranted, maybe she is mean in real life etc.

curiousgeorgetta · 08/02/2021 13:21

This just happened to me!

I wanted clarity on kids being sent to school during this lockdown and got absolutely slated. To the point where the thread was taken down because it was reported.

I'm in shock. All I wanted to understand was whether rules around sending kids to school had been changed as I'd seen someone on instagram post about being on the school run. AFAIK they're not a keyworker so I was curious.

I even stated that I wasn't judging anyone but it made no difference. I'm hurt and feel like I've been attacked unfairly.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2021 13:33

@Floisme

I see plenty of kindness on Mumsnet. I also see meanness, good humour, patience, impatience, anger, wit, cleverness, stroppiness and sometimes outright nastiness. It's the nearest thing I know to women talking in real life with no audience. No we are not nice all the time, because we are human beings not saints.
Sounds fair enough to me.
lazylinguist · 08/02/2021 13:35

I wanted clarity on kids being sent to school during this lockdown and got absolutely slated

The best way to find this out is to look up the government guidance on which kids are allowed to be in school. here rather than ask a load of MNers, some of whom won't know any more than you do, and others of whom are fed up with the same (often faux-naïve) questions being asked again and again, especially if they themselves have been unfairly criticised for sending their dc into school.

curiousgeorgetta · 08/02/2021 13:40

@lazylinguist

I wanted clarity on kids being sent to school during this lockdown and got absolutely slated

The best way to find this out is to look up the government guidance on which kids are allowed to be in school. here rather than ask a load of MNers, some of whom won't know any more than you do, and others of whom are fed up with the same (often faux-naïve) questions being asked again and again, especially if they themselves have been unfairly criticised for sending their dc into school.

With all due respect, I can do what I like.

If MN feel a way because they've been criticised, that's their business.

They don't need to respond to the thread. We're all adults and should know when to not respond to things if we can't be nice about it.

That doesn't justify the slew of catty responses I received at all.

lazylinguist · 08/02/2021 14:36

With all due respect, I can do what I like.

Indeed you can. And MNers can respond how they like, including opening a thread purely in order to respond in irritation or annoyance to the subject matter or tone of the OP. "I will post whatever thread I like, but everyone has to respond by being nice" isn't actually a particularly reasonable demand imo.

I didn't see your thread or the remarks you considered catty, but one person's 'catty' is another person's 'slightly harsh' or 'justifiably irritated'. Just as one OP's 'genuine non-judgmental question' is another poster's 'passive agressive curtain-twitching'.

NoOpinionNoProblem · 08/02/2021 14:43

I'm not keen on a lack of honesty and all the be kind stuff, but you can deliver honesty in a kind way (sometimes I'm not great with this too - I don't intend to be blunt, just posting too quickly to think how it would be received).

I do wonder how some of the more nasty people on here function in real life - they sound like arseholes and are really defensive with it. That's if they have the life they are so keen to tell us about.

I was thinking about starting a site called BitchNet and they can all pile in on there and have their "debates".

shinynewapple2021 · 08/02/2021 15:31

@alltheadrenalin

Be kind tribe on nethuns

Sigh. Could you be more unoriginal @alltheadrenalin ? I think we've all seen that post before. Oh , you've forgotten the little arrow Wink

RootyT00t · 08/02/2021 15:39

I agree OP.
PP have proved your point.

Voluptuagoodshag · 08/02/2021 15:47

I think it's just a snapshot of the world in general. It's all gotten a lot more nasty but I guess on a forum where no-one knows your real name, folk are more likely to be nasty. I still don't get it though.

When I started using Mumsnet over 17 years ago, the majority of the comments were constructive and happily social. Though such comments still exist, it seems to me that there are more nasty, unnecessary put downs than before.

I stopped going on Mumsnet when it did become rather unbearable. I've dipped in and out over the years and been on it more recently because of lockdown. But if I'm asking advice I'm usually very specific, if I leave a point I try to be clear without being rude or personal. I don't bother with some threads because you know by the title it's going to bring out the worst in people. All rather draining. But there are still some lovely kind and funny people out there.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/02/2021 15:59

you know by the title it's going to bring out the worst in people

Yep. I've decided school threads are a no-go for me as of today. Nearly everyone has a horse in the race. Examples.

A) Child not at school. Homeschooling awful.
B) Child not at school. Loves being at home. Spends days going on wholesome walks and baking inbetween Zoom classes.
C) Child at school. Parent is sick of being spied on and told they're not keyworkery enough.
D) Teacher. Sick of being called lazy.
E) Nursery parent. Fed up of being called a murderer for using place they're paying for.

And so on.

MechantGourmet · 08/02/2021 16:32

@lazylinguist

With all due respect, I can do what I like.

Indeed you can. And MNers can respond how they like, including opening a thread purely in order to respond in irritation or annoyance to the subject matter or tone of the OP. "I will post whatever thread I like, but everyone has to respond by being nice" isn't actually a particularly reasonable demand imo.

I didn't see your thread or the remarks you considered catty, but one person's 'catty' is another person's 'slightly harsh' or 'justifiably irritated'. Just as one OP's 'genuine non-judgmental question' is another poster's 'passive agressive curtain-twitching'.

I think I like you @lazylinguist Smile
Sue81 · 08/02/2021 16:42

I've been a long term lurker and only recently started commenting/posting, partly for the reasons you've identified OP. I have had and seen some really helpful and constructive advice in chat although those posts tend to be quieter. I think the increased traffic can draw people to post in AIBU. Whilst I don't think people have to refrain from being honest and shouldn't sugar coat things unnecessarily; I do agree that there can be some real nastiness that just seems unnecessary. Someone being called vile/disgusting for an innocuous comment on what seems to have been a light hearted thread for example. Just seems unnecessary and I don't see what personal insults add to a discussion. In fact, if that's what people are resorting to, then I'd suggest their "robust" debating skills are in need of some work. I often wonder if these posters speak to people in real life the way they do on here and if so, the responses they get..

lazylinguist · 08/02/2021 16:43

I think I like you @lazylinguist smile

Smile

It's just that there are so many people who think they are definitely utterly right and reasonable and nice, and that everyone else is totally wrong and unreasonable and mean, when obviously the truth is most often somewhere in between. There's plenty to get cross about on MN, because we talk about topics that provoke strong feelings. But if you don't want people to express strong feelings, don't post about those topics!

BlackeyedSusan · 08/02/2021 16:46

I've still got the plate my arse was handed to me on around here somewhere.

Yeah some comments are plain nasty, others well, at just robustly honest.

Lastfreakinglegs · 08/02/2021 16:48

The first three threads prove your point

DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2021 16:49

You can read a pile-on by women calling an OP hysterical, insane, moron, loon etc (the stampede to make a woman who's feeling like shit, feel even worse). Then on very same day, a post/thread of women complaining about sexist men who view women with concerns as hysterical, loopy, a fruitcake etc...

Misandry and Misogyny go hand in hand after all

Penguin81 · 08/02/2021 17:03

I agree wholeheartedly with you OP