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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in dc's class lying about homeschooling!!!

294 replies

Pastasau · 07/02/2021 22:32

On both dc's WhatsApp groups, a certain few parents have been going on & on about how their kids are doing the bare minimum, no time to do the extra work set & they are absolutely not pushing the schoolwork & do not force the kids to finish any of it...
However dc had a social zoom call with some friends from the class, one said she wasn't allowed to go on as she had a zoom with her tutor, the other friend whose mom is the one appearing most relaxed & nonchalant about the school work has her dd up at 6.30 to do 2 hours work before the actual schooling begins! Her dd told my dd her mom recaps all the lessons for an hour after the live lessons, insists all work is done, all extras plus the schedule of work she sets herself!
Aibu to think some parents are blatently lying when they say they are relaxed & easygoing about the work? And why lie?

OP posts:
WhatToDo82 · 08/02/2021 18:32

My kids have all been great sleepers but do I choose to mention that, when my friend is exhausted and sleep deprived, while her toddler is out of bed every hour and her newborn is teething? Probably not! In fact I’d downplay it to make her feel better. Misery loves company after all. I’m shocked that bragging about stuff all in the name of “honesty” is deemed acceptable nowadays. I would despise being friends with show offs.

WhatToDo82 · 08/02/2021 18:33

And if you don’t tell the odd white lie to make people feel better, you’re probably a really shitty friend.

redpencil77 · 08/02/2021 18:33

OP, ignore whatsapp - I am sureyou are using it to check genuinely how others are coping, don't give them any info about your home life so they don't end up toxicly involving your details in their narcissitic lies, there is enough pressure out there as it is

PenfoldPenny · 08/02/2021 18:36

Other people hot housing their kids - not your concern imho. I feel sorry for kids being put under even more pressure than school/covid/environment worries etc is already giving them.
Id just get on with whatever works best with your own kids.

redpencil77 · 08/02/2021 18:36

@Gliblet

It's hard to tell whether its an attempt to fit in (after all I've seen people on here have strips torn off them for saying having kids doing schoolwork at home is anything other than impossible/shit), or desperation not to look like they're trying too hard at anything. It's almost the opposite of the 'elevenerifer' (if you've been to Tenerife they'll say they've been to Elevenerife) who has to outdo everyone.

'Oh I can't be bothered with makeup, I just dab on a bit of tinted moisturiser' (and foundation, under eye cream, mascara, eyeliner, cream blush, highlighter...)

'Oh I don't really think of it as cooking, I just throw a few things together and somehow it works' (because about 70 food writers tried and tested it before the recipe made it to the Sunday supplements).

'Oh I hardly had time to worry about what the children were doing, they were raised in what I like to call an atmosphere of benign neglect' (direct quote from someone I used to work for who was one of the most unpleasantly competitive, pushy people I've ever met).

But that is competing - competimg to be the least made up.

Elevenerife - not heard thatt before - v good!

ekidmxcl · 08/02/2021 18:51

Parents at my dc’s school do this. All through. Say their kids have done naff all, but actually have them on strict work timetables.

Littlemissweepy · 08/02/2021 19:03

Probably the equivalent of when we were at school doing exams and people claimed to have hardly studied for them. Then go on and get As. It’s an insurance policy against doing badly.

At worst though, it is way to sneakily hope their children can get ahead, by lowering what everyone believes is the bar and then shooting way above it.

redpencil77 · 08/02/2021 19:05

@Littlemissweepy

Probably the equivalent of when we were at school doing exams and people claimed to have hardly studied for them. Then go on and get As. It’s an insurance policy against doing badly.

At worst though, it is way to sneakily hope their children can get ahead, by lowering what everyone believes is the bar and then shooting way above it.

Precisely
Anniying · 08/02/2021 19:26

At worst though, it is way to sneakily hope their children can get ahead, by lowering what everyone believes is the bar and then shooting way above it

Again if your expectations for your child and your child's education are lowered by what another parent is or isn't doing you are a massively irresponsible parent. The two are completely unconnected events.

BigBadVoodooHat · 08/02/2021 19:41

At worst though, it is way to sneakily hope their children can get ahead, by lowering what everyone believes is the bar and then shooting way above it.

Who would decide that the 'bar' for their child is set by some random comments made by another parent?

Surely you aim for what is best for your child and your family, regardless of an arbitrary and unquantifiable benchmark based on what somebody else says about their way of doing things? Confused

Xerochrysum · 08/02/2021 19:42

"At worst though, it is way to sneakily hope their children can get ahead, by lowering what everyone believes is the bar and then shooting way above it."

I really don't think this is the case. After this lock down when children go back to school, I really hope most of the children kept up with learning so the level of the class isn't really low and teachers needs to spend most of the time help those children catch up.

If you have an able child, you don't want other children to fall behind. Because that means the level of the work will be even lower.

Littlemissweepy · 08/02/2021 19:55

Surely you aim for what is best for your child and your family, regardless of an arbitrary and unquantifiable benchmark based on what somebody else says about their way of doing things? confused

Yes, but most people haven’t had to home school during a global pandemic before whilst trying to keep their own jobs/ business afloat and their own and their families mental health in balance. So if they look to their peers and friends to figure out how others are managing, to find out some tips from others in the same boat of how to get through there shit storm they aren’t irresponsible FFS, maybe just human!

Floobydo · 08/02/2021 20:02

I think it’s just a kindness. You don’t want anyone to feel bad.

My DC are the easiest ever to homeschool. It’s a joy. They ask me to print it all out the night before, leave it ready and by the time I get up they’ve done most of it. They ask for help if they need it, listen to advice and their learning is really good.

I don’t tell my friends who are really struggling with homeschool that, though. It would be like rubbing salt in to wounds! So I will nod along as people tell me how difficult it is and that they’ve hardly got anything done etc.

BigBadVoodooHat · 08/02/2021 20:05

@Littlemissweepy

Surely you aim for what is best for your child and your family, regardless of an arbitrary and unquantifiable benchmark based on what somebody else says about their way of doing things? confused

Yes, but most people haven’t had to home school during a global pandemic before whilst trying to keep their own jobs/ business afloat and their own and their families mental health in balance. So if they look to their peers and friends to figure out how others are managing, to find out some tips from others in the same boat of how to get through there shit storm they aren’t irresponsible FFS, maybe just human!

I think you made an error in quoting me and meant to quote someone else, as I haven't made any comment on the 'irresponsibility' of anyone, so I'll pass on the kindly delivered 'FFS', thanks. Smile

Of course everyone is trying to find their way through an unprecedented schooling situation whilst maintaining a semblance of balance. That's even more reason to avoid comparisons with others, and also a reason why some people may be downplaying their experience in order to avoid making others feel worse than they already do.

Sunnydays999 · 08/02/2021 20:05

Yabu to care

WaterOffADucksCrack · 08/02/2021 20:57

I think it's insecurity and fear of judgement. If they say how much they've been doing they will be accused of lying/being pushy/being a helicopter parent etc etc so they are playing it down.

Some patents jump at the chance to judge parents who have the audacity to do things differently to them. It's really sad.

Original poster
Pastasau · 08/02/2021 21:47

@CommanderBurnham

Are you sure the child wasn't telling porkies? There's a lot of showing off and exaggerating that goes on.
No, I believe the dd of said mum. My dd & hers are very good friends, I never took to the mum but the daughter is absolutely lovely & I'm so happy for dd to have social catch ups with her online. Dd has been around to her friends for tea & parties etc, the mum has grilled her every time about school work, after school activities & asked her what her tutors called (my dd has none!!!) She obviously doesn't realise that kids talk. I found her tale about Minecraft a bit farfetched knowing what she'd like but why lie? I've no problem saying we got it done & the majority of the whatsapp group were the same barr the few who said they'd be catching up at the weekend... I care because we're bring lied to, she didn't have to comment & contribute. Why not stay schtum?
OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 08/02/2021 21:53

She sounds like a family member who is always grilling my son - even took his reading book out of his bag to see what book band he was on. Steer well clear. Sounds a bit unhinged

Original poster
Pastasau · 08/02/2021 22:05

@CommanderBurnham I usually do keep a wide berth, this just pissed me off... I'm not at all worried about my dc, the work is getting done & sent it like 95% of the whatsapp group yet "said mum" takes the higher ground approach of "couldn't be arsed", "sad to say she spent the day on Minecraft", "her mental health is more important than Google classroom".... Noone on the group was complaining except for her comments! I think she was royally pissed off we were all coping just fine!

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 09/02/2021 08:22

And there we go. HUGE drip feed

Hardly. Largely irrelevant to the issue being discussed. Unless you are suggesting I should treat my daughter's education differently because of her disability?

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 09/02/2021 09:08

I am totally with MintyMabel here. The way you parent your kids, or what you expect them to do regarding their school work is totally irrelevant to what minty does. If she puts in effort which you don’t, and then you resent that her child might be better prepared, that’s on you. No one else!

Plus the fact that her child is disabled proves the point more. You make judgements on what you view as creating a disadvantage to you, when the reality is your situations are totally different. Yet you still sit in judgement as if she should have declared why she is doing something so you can judge if it’s ‘fair’ or not. She doesn’t live her life by committee, no one does. I bet you don’t make a decision and expect a neighbour to have an input in it - this is exactly the same.

Life isn’t always fair and unless you pay her bills it’s none if your business. You don’t. It’s not.

MintyMabel · 09/02/2021 09:21

You make judgements on what you view as creating a disadvantage to you, when the reality is your situations are totally different.

Thanks. To be honest, I do find "let them have a childhood" a bit jarring as that would be lovely but something that is tougher for us. Today is a great example - a foot of snow, kids out sledging and if she could, we'd have sent her out to do that instead of logging in to the school call. But she can't so she'll do the schoolwork.

It is always good to remember you don't know the whole story of people's lives so judging anyone for their decisions is a bad thing to do.

It does make me giggle it's considered a "drip feed". It comes up in the vast majority of the posts I've made so hardly some big secret.

Marzipan12 · 09/02/2021 09:40

OP some people lie, that's life. You shouldn't be basing your child's education on what others are or are not doing anyway regardless if they are being truthfull or not. Keep your kids up to date with online learning don't stop just because someone else says they arnt doing it. Would you jump off a cliff if they said they where going to? Didn't think so. You do you with your kids, what anyone else says they are or are not doing is irrelevant.

Xerochrysum · 09/02/2021 12:53

Op, in your earlier comment, you said your dd gets the work done but it's a struggle, and also you say most of other parents says the same, including some say they would get it done during the weekends.

What if the other mum said, "my dc does all the work easily and I'd make sure she revise an hour afterwards about what she has learned, as well as I'd make sure I'd give her extra work to do on top of the schoolwork?
She is just trying to fit in to the sentiment imo.. What is wrong with her wanting to join in with her dc's friends parents? She wants to be sociable for the sake of her child. I don't understand the statement noone was complaining except for her, she wasn't complaining either.

You knew she was quite serious about her dd's education since your dd told you she mentioned tutor. It's nothing new or something to be surprised about since you say you were already weary of her.

To me, you just sound jealous. You can do the same if you like, or if you don't approve the way she does, just ignore it and do whatever you like with your children.
And I really don't get she was pissed off because all the others are coping just fine so she talks lightly of the schoolwork, you said it yourself, the work is a struggle. If she was such a horrible person that she intends to annoy others, she would have told the truth.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/02/2021 12:57

I find it completely bizarre that school classes have WhatsApp groups as I have never ever been in one with my kids neither have my siblings with their kids. As for the homework, why does it concern you so much what others do?