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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in dc's class lying about homeschooling!!!

294 replies

Pastasau · 07/02/2021 22:32

On both dc's WhatsApp groups, a certain few parents have been going on & on about how their kids are doing the bare minimum, no time to do the extra work set & they are absolutely not pushing the schoolwork & do not force the kids to finish any of it...
However dc had a social zoom call with some friends from the class, one said she wasn't allowed to go on as she had a zoom with her tutor, the other friend whose mom is the one appearing most relaxed & nonchalant about the school work has her dd up at 6.30 to do 2 hours work before the actual schooling begins! Her dd told my dd her mom recaps all the lessons for an hour after the live lessons, insists all work is done, all extras plus the schedule of work she sets herself!
Aibu to think some parents are blatently lying when they say they are relaxed & easygoing about the work? And why lie?

OP posts:
Akire · 07/02/2021 23:56

I imagine if your child has always been top of the class then you want to keep that position. Or middle of the road kids that are using it to do some over taking. Doing all class work is one thing extra tutors is something else. Classes are already going to have kids we have done very little and the stayed afloat, there is only so much range a class teacher can be teaching when they are all back.

Highfalutinlootin · 07/02/2021 23:57

YABU to care.

OliRules · 07/02/2021 23:58

Some lie as a habit. So lie as they won’t admit to the help they r giving. Yet some lie as they don’t want to pressurise other parents but still want their DC to be academically competitive. In general I have seen ppl pushing their kids more during lockdown. It’s not just academics though. A lot of ppl are going in for online music etc classes

AliceMcK · 08/02/2021 00:01

My school chats are full of these mums. I just laugh off the crap they come out with, it’s not really worth getting worked up about.

Original poster
Pastasau · 08/02/2021 00:22

@katy1213

But why do you care? Their children, their business. If you want to push yours - or not - that's up to you.
I care because I've been honest on the group, said dc get the work done, it's a struggle with us both working from home but we get there in the end. Like many other mums said too. Then the couple of parents with the "we're prioritising free play", "my child's mental health is most important so we're doing long walks in the woods next door school work can wait, we're not doing half of it". These are the parents who are ensuring the kids are doing every single bit plus setting the kids extra work daily themselves... Why do I care, why lie? Just say nothing, keep out of the conversation rather than lording over the rest of us who are struggling & worrying... Do they not think their kids talk & will say exactly what's going on?! This is Year 4, probably revealing too much but I'm so bloody annoyed at the hypocrisy.
OP posts:
laudete · 08/02/2021 00:30

I expect it's the same reason that some people fudge the truth in high school when their peers suspect they've been studying/doing homework/aced a test, etc. No one wants to be pegged as the teacher's pet/class nerd - you end up being labelled an uncool geek until you graduate. You'd think people would grow out of such peer group fears when they're adults but I guess the fear lingers on. They all still want to be seen as the "cool" people.

Hettya · 08/02/2021 00:32

People are weirdly competitive about this. I wouldn't believe them when they're saying they're not doing anything. I think it's odd. We want our own kids to do well. But we're also raising a generation and we want them to do well as a whole. It benefits everyone if they do. Just keep doing your best op. And steer clear of the weirdos.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2021 00:35

I am genuinely in the "Benign Neglect" group. I am not a teacher, evidenced by the fact that I am not in fact a teacher, so I dont try to be. DD is now at school as ex DH and I are both key workers, and despite my appalling lack of home schooling, she got merits for totally nailing the history tests and her piece of writing that basically tore apart Dumbledore. So my theory of leaving Horrible Histories on loop and listening to/reading along with Harry Potter counting as home schooling (approved by the head teacher) has caused some of the Try Hards to have a coniption :o

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/02/2021 00:36

That’s why you should never do anything based on other people’s opinions or what they say they do. These parents are probably lying on the chat in the hope others will copy what they say they do so their kids will end up as top performers. My advice is not to overshare on groups like this.

CeefBurry · 08/02/2021 00:36

Tawny*towel
*
Sounds as though we are at the same school- ours is the same. Pisses me off no end.
It's a race who can be the best at ours and the WhatsApp groups... oh wow.

I've said to myself, any more of the shit and I'm going to withdraw myself from it all.
It's unbelievable.

BungleandGeorge · 08/02/2021 00:45

People want their children to be seen as naturally bright and talented. I’m not sure what’s wrong with being known for working hard. As someone has mentioned people tutor for hours for the 11 plus but never admit to it. I’d avoid them as I’m not keen on fibbing!

SelkieQualia · 08/02/2021 00:51

@CharlieBoo

Teachers pet in DD’s old primary class was this kind of mum... her dd very smart, always picked for everything but the child let slip her mum tutors her for hours after school but make out she was so clever. I don’t blame the mum for it though, we all want the beat for our kids but super annoying!
Is it genuinely for hours, though? My 7yo is academic (wins academic awards), and I do the bare minimum with him with regard to homework, but I suspect if you asked him, that single revision of spelling words that we did would have been "hours of work".
KriekAndWaffle · 08/02/2021 00:57

Probably the same people who at school claimed they’d done no work for exams but were cramming. These people used to hate me because I genuinely did no work and still wiped the floor with them haha

tawnytowel · 08/02/2021 03:35

@CeefBurry I won’t give too much away about the school but glad it’s not just me. Although in ours the what’s app chat is pretty quiet, which usually means there’s a lot of stealth oneupmanship going on!! I’m also considering moving DD out in time, it’s not a healthy environment.

Many people are asking why the OP cares, why it’s any of her business. Personally, I think that sort of behaviour affects everyone. School is meant to be a leveller whereby other influences don’t affect how much you’re learning in school time. That’s completely gone out of the window, those who can and want to give their kids extra help are taking advantage of Covid and homeschooling to do so.

To those saying that the parents who do it and try to hide it are “kind, gracious, empathetic”... absolute BS. They don’t tell people because they don’t want other people to do as much as them and nab the teachers pet trophy!

Shame is that as soon as their kids get back it will all fall apart as many kids won’t be able to do anything for themselves.

tawnytowel · 08/02/2021 03:37

Just to caveat, I work PT and flexibly meaning if I wanted to take this approach to DC homeschooling I could do. I don’t feel I should have to though, and the kids are thriving and happy (albeit not winning any awards for “their” work!)

HitchFlix · 08/02/2021 03:56

I'm not homeschooling but this type of mentality has always existed. I had friends like this when I was in school (eons ago!) Some people are Uber competitive and transfer that to their DC. Concentrate on your own DC and ignore them,

Anniying · 08/02/2021 04:36

I lie about this stuff I always have. I would lie I spent hours studying and had a tutor during holidays as I was a no effort straight A student until the second year of uni (B student through postgraduate because I hate studying). I always did homework but nothing more, am naturally academic particularly in S
Ma

maths and science, learn by listening and doing, and never leave a lesson without making sure I understand something.

It was easier to say that it why I did so well in school than admit to not studying. However, because I wouldn't join study groups or struggled to focus in them and drew instead, I was selfish for refusing to share my nonexistent study notes or techniques. People will always find something to say.

My parents believed in tutoring, even though I didn't need it, both my siblings had full time tutors. I have the same for DC and will also check over their work. I believe in learning while playing so they are already ahead anyway. I couldn't care less what adults think but they can be cruel to kids they perceive as doing better than their own DC (I know I had it from competitive parents and their DC my entire life for always being top of my class and getting all the school prizes), so I don't offer any information, but if you ask me - I will lie and underplay my DC's abilities and achievements. Frankly, the reason most people ask is to judge anyway. I don't need to sabotage anyone because as a parent you should be doing the best for your child anyway to the best of your abilities, knowing my DC had x hours of tutoring/music lessons etc., has no bearing on your DC's abilities as you can also make a similar choice -but we all have different priorities, budgets and abilities. Why would I rub it in your face that I can afford a tutor when you might not be able to? If you are happy with walks in the woods instead of maths worksheets, what does that have to do with what the next person is doing? How does my DC getting extra help affect your decision to ģet extra help for your DC?

And don't understand why kids would suddenly fall behind when back in class because they had a tutor. More than likely they will still have a tutor and the added benefit of an actual teacher and in-person classes.

I lied, lie and will continue to lie and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Anniying · 08/02/2021 04:37

Sorry typo. particularly in maths and science

RedHelenB · 08/02/2021 05:04

@Anniying not so naturally clever if you had tutors though? Surely you can see that counts as "extra".?

Anniying · 08/02/2021 05:07

I said I didn't have tutors. Both my siblings did. You see, people will always have something to say.

Anniying · 08/02/2021 05:11

How is someone have an "extra" stopping you from getting your child an "extra"?

Your responsibility as a parent is to do the absolute best for your child within your capabilities. I struggle to understand how someone doing more for their child disadvantages yours? You have the exact same option to do the same or even more. I don't even understand why another parent would be upset with a parent for doing this.

Ginandplatonic · 08/02/2021 05:15

Maybe they’re insecure, maybe they feel judged, maybe the kids are exaggerating how much they’re doing, maybe they want to make people who genuinely aren’t doing anything feel better, maybe they’re jerks. I don’t know. And I’m another one who doesn’t understand why you would begin to care, let alone be as worked up as you seem about it. Do whatever works for you and your child and don’t worry about anyone else.

zoemum2006 · 08/02/2021 06:50

Although it can feel like it is, school isn’t a competition.

School is to provide your child with the skills they will need to live a productive life (socially, emotionally and economically).

I have always worked hard with both my girls education. Never to brag but to get the best from them so they have as many options available to them as possible.

This is your journey with your children and all these people (with their silly bragging or stealth non bragging) are not part of it.

Original poster
Pastasau · 08/02/2021 07:02

It was just the over highlighting on the group about how little they are doing, "oh playing takes priority" "BBC bitesize is educating my kids today" & the best yet "dd's stuck to Minecraft, no homeschool here today"!
On the social zoom that evening my dc asked said child how Minecraft was (as I mentioned it to her) she said I'm not allowed any screentime during the week as I've so much work to do & when she's finished her schoolwork her mum gives her workbooks to do!
Her mum said on the WhatsApp group the child did nothing but Minecraft yet the child says she's allowed no games during the week. Like why lie? Why even contribute to the group...

OP posts:
Bedtimebear40 · 08/02/2021 07:06

I can't be arsed with home schooling. I am doing the minimum. I do some on Saturdays with my kids to try and catch up with some of the work when I'm not working myself. The kids go to a CM half the working week. We're not doing all of the work. I am not stressed about it. But to the outside, there are probably people thinking 'OMG, she makes her kids do work on a Saturday......'