Parents in dc's class lying about homeschooling!!!

[Pastasau]

On both dc's WhatsApp groups, a certain few parents have been going on & on about how their kids are doing the bare minimum, no time to do the extra work set & they are absolutely not pushing the schoolwork & do not force the kids to finish any of it...
However dc had a social zoom call with some friends from the class, one said she wasn't allowed to go on as she had a zoom with her tutor, the other friend whose mom is the one appearing most relaxed & nonchalant about the school work has her dd up at 6.30 to do 2 hours work before the actual schooling begins! Her dd told my dd her mom recaps all the lessons for an hour after the live lessons, insists all work is done, all extras plus the schedule of work she sets herself!
Aibu to think some parents are blatently lying when they say they are relaxed & easygoing about the work? And why lie?

It's hard to tell whether its an attempt to fit in (after all I've seen people on here have strips torn off them for saying having kids doing schoolwork at home is anything other than impossible/shit), or desperation not to look like they're trying too hard at anything. It's almost the opposite of the 'elevenerifer' (if you've been to Tenerife they'll say they've been to Elevenerife) who has to outdo everyone.

'Oh I can't be bothered with makeup, I just dab on a bit of tinted moisturiser' (and foundation, under eye cream, mascara, eyeliner, cream blush, highlighter...)

'Oh I don't really think of it as cooking, I just throw a few things together and somehow it works' (because about 70 food writers tried and tested it before the recipe made it to the Sunday supplements).

'Oh I hardly had time to worry about what the children were doing, they were raised in what I like to call an atmosphere of benign neglect' (direct quote from someone I used to work for who was one of the most unpleasantly competitive, pushy people I've ever met).

I don't know. That's really bizarre.

Maybe her dd has sen and is struggling.

I wish parents could be more honest with each other, I'm very open about dc sen because we've been on a massive learning curve with it and if one other parent sees the light so much the better.

Dc with sen cannot do any world alone and has a tutor but for separate work.

Rather strange. Would’ve thought most parents would be embarrassed to admit their children aren’t doing any work, it isn’t something to be proud of.

These are the same people who claimed not to have studied for their exams at school. That way if they did badly no one would think it was because they were a bit thick, we would think it was because they hadn't studied. Except they didn't do badly because they had in fact studied.
There was also a lot bit of hope that giving the impression that you hadn't studied may result in peer pressure and others not studying, so your B+ is surrounded by Cs instead of As.
Doing it vicariously seems wrong though, like you don't trust your child to learn without subterfuge.

You see this kind of thing on MN all the time. Just think of the wedding threads. If you're not getting married in a hole in the ground and sharing a rocket leaf, it's a hideous excess and sniffy references are made to "wanting a MARRIAGE, not a wedding".

Anyway I'd pay them no mind. They want to look cool and carefree, let them at it. Just be sure not to take their advice on anything parenting related.

Yeah there are loads at it. In DDs class they sit just off the screen hovering over their kids and telling them the answers or what to write. In our case they’re all SAHMs whose main aim in life seems to be elevating their child to the coveted status of teachers pet. Seems to be that mums of girls are worse.

School keeps giving all these kids awards for how well they’re doing too. Nothing for the ones who are actually sat by themselves trying to make the best of it whilst parents juggle work.

It’s changed my opinion of a lot of people.

They're just quietly getting on with it. I don't think it's really any of your business. They're trying not to wave it in anyone's faces, I think that's gracious and empathetic that lots of people can't do homeschooling or are struggling with it.

I feel a bit sorry for the kids to be honest. That sounds like a lot of pressure for a small child.

love51 I also remember people at school saying they had done no work, and would then get top grades.

Quite typical - the same way people will be prepping their DCs for 11+ with military precision but claim Junior was just naturally clever.

But why do you care? Their children, their business. If you want to push yours - or not - that's up to you.

I do find that people lie. Eg in first lockdown a couple of parents said they hadn't done any work or very little but I think I'm reality they'd done more than they let on. I don't know why, I don't think it's malicious.

I think it's kind of the same as I asked my friend if she's ok once. She said ok how are you. I told her it's a bit shit here cos of this and that. Only then did she say oh actually it's a bit shit here too! I don't really know why people do it.
It's like they want to put a face on

I was one of those kids who did no work outside of lessons and would come out with top grades. At GCSE I literally did everything in the lessons, I did homework for the teachers who gave detentions, did none for the teachers who didn't 🤷 , Still came out with A*s. Bit me in the bum at A Level.

I'm also one of the parents saying I'm not pushing the schoolwork too much during lockdown. But not pushing it too much means different things to different people. When I say it, I mean "dd does all of the maths and English, and I spend 15 minutes at lunchtime checking what she's done and helping her improve. She then does one other subject of her choice in the afternoon, generally the one that's been recorded by her favourite teacher, or the easiest one". That's significantly less than she'd be expected to do at school, but significantly more than some other families who aren't pushing the school work too much.

I wouldn't be getting a tutor, but that's because I can support dd with the things she struggles with. She doesn't struggle with much of it tbf, and mostly works independently from her bedroom while dh and I work downstairs (him living room, me dining room).

It’s a tale as old as time. There is one mum who writes on our group chat every Monday morning about no pressure, only picking key items to do etc. Come Friday it’s all ‘oh we did it all, didn’t you?’ (Innocent tone). I think it’s sad she’s so insecure she feels the need to try and trick people.

I do more with my DC than I declare to others when they ask. I don’t want to end up involved in all the competitive nonsense that so many of the other parents go in for (‘what are you doing?’, ‘how is x or y getting on?’, ‘z is doing a, does x or y do just what’s set or do the extended stuff?’) whilst doing the best by my own family

Some parents will go over the top boasting about their children what they do with them and how proud they are.

Others will see how the boasters get ripped to shreds or be embarrassed to say they work hard and are the school swot.

Most are in the middle somewhere.

It is all about them trying to fit in while trying to do your best, it isn't malicious. I wouldn't get upset about it.

I do more with my DD than I let on in our WhatsApp group. It’s normal IMO. No one wants to be friends with a show off who says “we got it all done, hooray! Aren’t we great”. And no one else in the WhatsApp group says they’re doing all the work set - we are a mix of working mums and non working mums in the friendship group but each have our own challenges such as younger siblings etc so it’s not possible to get everything done every day. But if I do on the off chance get 4 out of 5 subjects done, I don’t brag about it: I’ll downplay what we did because (a) you want to fit in if everyone else is having a good old rant about it and (b) you don’t want your mates to feel like shit if they’re struggling and you’ve had a cracking day! Why exactly do you need to compare with others anyway? Just do the best you can do because everyone’s in a different but probably equally crap situation!

I've known people like that. They do it so they would get better grades than you. Often these sort of people would ask you about your studies and then when you ask them, they will tell you they haven't done anything at all.

I do it so my friend doesn't feel bad about not having time to sit with their DC because she works whilst I am home and have more time to get my DC to get the extra work .

No one likes a show off

Its very strange but yes we have the same on our WhatsApp group.
My own children haven't been back to school this year so we have been remote learning throughout and we have shared our success in that (when the other kids were at school) now it feels like everyone on the group is bigging up how much they are failing at it and I'm not entirely sure how much of it is true. I'm sure some of them are struggling but I also see work that the teacher posts online to praise the children and lots of the work is from children who's parents say 'they aren't doing the work, we don't have time for that' etc
I also feel like I can no longer share our success (and the minor struggles we have had along the way) because it almost feels like we are rubbing these other peoples noses in it because of how much they protray they are struggling ! So I've taken a step back from it all now because it all feels very fake to me at times.

I was another that did no revision for GCSEs. I was a good student in school and did all the homework, I just had the right type of memory for gcse work. I came out with 4 A* and 6 A’s and didn’t really deserve them. Like a PP, it didn’t work the same for me at A Level though! A combination of discovering boys and not actually knowing how to put the work in meant i barely scraped my (average) uni course requirements.

DS is 4 and our school sets a lot of work.

On the odd occasion that we bump into a school mum on our walks, if school work comes up I do say something alone the lines of oh we don’t finish all the tasks most weeks.

The truth is that I was a primary school teacher before I had DS, and I enjoy taking the tasks I think will benefit him and making resources and carrying out tasks with him. I don’t talk about that, or the fact that he’s progressing quicker academically than when he was at school, because I think I’ll sound like a dick.

I suppose the difference is that I don’t make a fuss about how little we’re doing like the mums in the OP?

Teachers pet in DD’s old primary class was this kind of mum... her dd very smart, always picked for everything but the child let slip her mum tutors her for hours after school but make out she was so clever. I don’t blame the mum for it though, we all want the beat for our kids but super annoying!

With one of my DCs' class chats there definitely feels like a race to the bottom of who is doing the least. Most days it is full of whose DC hasn't even managed to complete 1 piece of work so they've given up for the day (at 10am...), followed by 10 others who didn't even bother to try at all (apparently). You daren't mention you are doing the work or you get jumped on with snide digs about perfect parents. During one conversation about how much everyone is managing (that seemed genuine and honest at first), myself and another parent said we were getting most but not all done plus obligatory blurb about how it's only possible because we're not also working (she's SAHP, I WOH so can't work right now as not a key worker). We still got another parent commenting that we made her feel like she's failing her children as she is barely doing anything with them. Her child is in school most of the week being taught by their regular teacher in the flesh. They then of course got a whole load of sympathy from the competitive do-nothingers. I won't be saying anything again or downplaying it if unavoidable. As it happens, I have also been doing some extra bits with each DC where I've spotted a weakness or they have an interest they want to explore - this is usually why not all the set work gets done. Not that I would ever be daft enough to share that with the other parents other than the 1 or 2 I'm close to, as I'd be ripped to shreds! But why wouldn't you if you are otherwise home and can't/don't work?

Ah, see I do this! Not about school work - I suspect we're average in that, looking at the work submitted (and we're often catching up at the end of the week). But in lockdown 1, a social whatsapp group I am in was full of smug mums posting photos of all the amazing bake-offs they were running with their kids, the tree houses they had built, the INCREDIBLE art projects they'd been doing, etc etc. And the honest truth is that I'd done some cool stuff with mine, and also done some shit stuff, and some ignoring them to faff on my phone. I felt that if I joined in with the "look how much we're doing!!!" crew, then others in the group, who I knew were struggling with guilt at not doing enough for their kids, would feel even more down, because it would seem that EVERY other mum was doing SO much better than them. So I never mention the good stuff we do. I only mention the bad days, in a "oh gosh, well mine smashed a window today!" type way. I don't want to join in the competitive "look what I'm doing that's so great!" game, and i don't want to add pressure or guilt to anyone else. I'm confident enough that I'm doing ok through all this shit, but honestly even I have a wobble when I see people portraying a perfect front. It's not real. So I instinctively flip to the other extreme and brag about my failures, as a way of saying "hey, we're not all perfect, and we don't all need to sing about how wonderful we are all the time - stop being so daft".

But I'm willing to accept I've been making a massive mistake in my approach!

Maybe they are just being kind so that they don't make those parents who are struggling feel bad!