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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in dc's class lying about homeschooling!!!

294 replies

Pastasau · 07/02/2021 22:32

On both dc's WhatsApp groups, a certain few parents have been going on & on about how their kids are doing the bare minimum, no time to do the extra work set & they are absolutely not pushing the schoolwork & do not force the kids to finish any of it...
However dc had a social zoom call with some friends from the class, one said she wasn't allowed to go on as she had a zoom with her tutor, the other friend whose mom is the one appearing most relaxed & nonchalant about the school work has her dd up at 6.30 to do 2 hours work before the actual schooling begins! Her dd told my dd her mom recaps all the lessons for an hour after the live lessons, insists all work is done, all extras plus the schedule of work she sets herself!
Aibu to think some parents are blatently lying when they say they are relaxed & easygoing about the work? And why lie?

OP posts:
Ginandplatonic · 08/02/2021 07:07

But so what?? You are way over-analysing this complete non-issue that doesn’t impact you or your child in any way.

Original poster
Pastasau · 08/02/2021 07:22

It doesn't impact my child whatsoever but why lie & be so goady on the class whatsapp saying they're "prioritising play" "only doing a handful of the work" "letting the kids be kids" when the kids have an entirely different story. It's so hypocritical.. I mentioned as well as others on the group when it was brought up that we had completed todays agenda to be met with "we did nothing here, not forcing the kids, they only get one childhood"!

OP posts:
deplorabelle · 08/02/2021 07:28

Ginandplatonic I disagree. We all need community and in the pandemic we've all had to come up with a new ways of doing things. Personally I know how I'm doing lockdown, I'm confident that I'm doing pretty okay, actually enjoy the homeschooling experience. I'm still reading about other people's experiences because it helps me process what has happened to us all.

It's disappointing to discover that a group that could be supportive and informative is actually full of cutthroat competition and people lying through their teeth. It's also depressing (if interesting) to witness a toxic group culture taking hold. It's not nice to think of our children being co-opted to be part of it either

SpaceRaiders · 08/02/2021 07:29

Your responsibility as a parent is to do the absolute best for your child within your capabilities. I struggle to understand how someone doing more for their child disadvantages yours? You have the exact same option to do the same or even more. I don't even understand why another parent would be upset with a parent for doing this.

I completely agree!

I’ve come across the same judgemental mentality that you shouldn’t ever be seen helping your dc achieve their full potential. And I have to admit I just don’t understand it.

jeanne16 · 08/02/2021 07:33

They are lying because they would like everyone else to think they don’t have to prioritise lessons so their own DC will have a competitive advantage.

It’s similar to the 11+ where parents pretend not to be doing extra work so as to try to lull others into not doing anything either. Meanwhile they have been tutoring their DC for years. Don’t fall for it.

Bedforme · 08/02/2021 07:35

Just say nothing, keep out of the conversation rather than lording over the rest of us who are struggling & worrying... Do they not think their kids talk & will say exactly what's going on?! This is Year 4, probably revealing too much but I'm so bloody annoyed at the hypocrisy.

Is the class Facebook group rather than a private group you as parents set up? If so I think YABat bitUthey are trying to fit in. If they said that they had struggled but were getting tutors and their child was getting on fine they would be judged. you are saying don’t come on unless you are struggling.

Tier500 · 08/02/2021 07:35

@SpaceRaiders and @Anniying I agree nothing wrong with doing your best for your child. But it’s annoying to be lied to, especially for no reason. I’d be pissed off at someone saying their child had been playing Minecraft all day if they had actually banned their child from that, just because it’s a silly pointless lie. Why not say nothing if you don’t want to reveal what you’re doing?

StephenBelafonte · 08/02/2021 07:39

Most people lie a lot. I've learnt to look at what people do rather than what people say, which is usually bollock talk.

SpaceRaiders · 08/02/2021 07:48

@Tier500 But ultimately, its non of your business and I mean this kindly. If I mention my dc is having extra tutoring it implies that they’re behind or struggling. If I lie about it, it may be because I don’t want the whole class to know? And as you’ve confirmed, people do make judgments and talk.

For us I was very open about it when asked, dc has had tutoring from September. Not only due to covid but to plug any gaps for 11+. Ultimately it’s my dc and my choice.

Xerochrysum · 08/02/2021 07:51

I think they are just trying to fit into the sentiment. If they said their children are doing great at homeschooling, even manage to do extra work on top, a lot of parents may feel like they are bragging and being insensitive. There are so many posts about parents at the breaking point at home schooling.

Getting a tutor or doing 2 hours before school work sounds like they have clear goal for their children, like maybe preparing for entrance exam for private school etc. They don't need to tell that to other parents.

Tier500 · 08/02/2021 07:53

Ok @SpaceRaiders I can see if someone asked you a direct question you might decide to lie about it (I wouldn’t but up to you obviously). But would you volunteer a lie when you didn’t have to? Why not just stay silent? I don’t have school aged kids so no skin in this game, but I just can’t imagine wasting my time bullshitting other mums on a whatsapp group for no reason, and I’d probably be annoyed if I thought someone else was doing it to me.

EssentialHummus · 08/02/2021 07:59

I don’t have school aged kids so no skin in this game, but I just can’t imagine wasting my time bullshitting other mums on a whatsapp group for no reason

I imagine it's just their way of trying to fit in, no?

I have a three year old at home. I've always been quite pushy with her on learning because I value education and see that she is able. She's now (thanks, lockdown) reading and doing a decent amount of maths. No way would I come out with that to my friends unless directly asked. If someone moans about their DC I make sympathetic noises.

KeyboardWorriers · 08/02/2021 08:03

My children have tutors. It isn't a secret and I have told my friends, but I don't tell school mums because I feel like it is up to my children whether they want their friends to know. I don't over share with school mums because I don't want it all coming out in the playground!
However the tutor is not something I feel apologetic about. It isn't even about hot housing. Both children find the recorded videos quite stale, and the tutor supplements that.

Similarly I might joke about how homeschooling is hard, because it is. Doesn't mean we aren't doing the work though. But how much work my children do is between them, me, and their teacher.

Tier500 · 08/02/2021 08:03

Well they must have some justification for doing it, but I wouldn’t be impressed at being lied to by people just so they could fit in. There’s a difference between volunteering information about your child’s success (which you’ve said you wouldn’t do, and I can see why), and volunteering a lie.

Xerochrysum · 08/02/2021 08:06

I think parents who get annoyed by white lies are also the competitive ones. I think the parents who are truly relaxed about home schooling won't care about what others are doing. And I'm sure those who are really struggling don't want to hear others doing great.

Potentialscrooge · 08/02/2021 08:07

Oh god this would make my blood boil. I know the sensible thing is like everyone says, focus on your own child but I CANT STAND lying.

I would call it out, wait for the next comments and then reply, oh are they actually not doing anything... because when I spoke to DD to ask her if she felt she was doing to much as I mentioned your DD had minecraft day, and your daughter had a really strange reply when it was discussed. She said that she’s not allowed any screen time during the week are you are setting her both work before and after school? For hours at a time.
I was being honest on here trying to gauge how much work everyone is doing as we are finding things very difficult, but it appears some parents are telling porkies. It’s made me feel quite upset as I thought we were all init together but it appears some of us have different values.

But I’m a bitch.

Hagotcha80 · 08/02/2021 08:08

How old OP!
The mother doesn’t want to stress other mothers out perhaps

Hagotcha80 · 08/02/2021 08:08

I meant how old are your children OP

scubadive · 08/02/2021 08:09

Lots of parents and children lie about this. Parents do it so their children can get ahead while you in ignorance let yours fall behind. It makes their children look and score better as all exam grades are relative.

Hagotcha80 · 08/02/2021 08:09

@Potentialscrooge

Oh god this would make my blood boil. I know the sensible thing is like everyone says, focus on your own child but I CANT STAND lying.

I would call it out, wait for the next comments and then reply, oh are they actually not doing anything... because when I spoke to DD to ask her if she felt she was doing to much as I mentioned your DD had minecraft day, and your daughter had a really strange reply when it was discussed. She said that she’s not allowed any screen time during the week are you are setting her both work before and after school? For hours at a time.
I was being honest on here trying to gauge how much work everyone is doing as we are finding things very difficult, but it appears some parents are telling porkies. It’s made me feel quite upset as I thought we were all init together but it appears some of us have different values.

But I’m a bitch.

Yes, I agree.
IseeIsee · 08/02/2021 08:11

This happens all the time in lots of different circumstances. Barely studied but got top marks. Can't really cook but presents perfect meals. Just eat what I want and am slim but really knows calorie count of everything. Etc etc . You can't trust half of the stuff people say and should just live your own life.

BigBadVoodooHat · 08/02/2021 08:15

And why lie?

Because if you admit to doing extra work in an attempt to mitigate some of the damage caused by your DC missing almost a full year of proper schooling, people get snarky. 🤷‍♀️

SpaceRaiders · 08/02/2021 08:18

@Tier500 I gave you an example of why someone might lie. I then went on to say that I was open about my dc having tutoring. What part of my post did you not understand? Hmm

Sheesh...people just need to mind their own business and do the best they can for their own dc.

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/02/2021 08:19

Pmsl that’s funny. I suspect they live their whole life in a similar fashion. Projecting serenity and success without effort whereas underneath they are peddling furiously with added turbo injectors.

Feel sympathy. People who base their lives on a lie eat themselves eventually.

Bence69 · 08/02/2021 08:20

@katy1213

But why do you care? Their children, their business. If you want to push yours - or not - that's up to you.
This over & over again! It has nothing to do with you