Parents in dc's class lying about homeschooling!!!

[Pastasau]

On both dc's WhatsApp groups, a certain few parents have been going on & on about how their kids are doing the bare minimum, no time to do the extra work set & they are absolutely not pushing the schoolwork & do not force the kids to finish any of it...
However dc had a social zoom call with some friends from the class, one said she wasn't allowed to go on as she had a zoom with her tutor, the other friend whose mom is the one appearing most relaxed & nonchalant about the school work has her dd up at 6.30 to do 2 hours work before the actual schooling begins! Her dd told my dd her mom recaps all the lessons for an hour after the live lessons, insists all work is done, all extras plus the schedule of work she sets herself!
Aibu to think some parents are blatently lying when they say they are relaxed & easygoing about the work? And why lie?

I'd just carry on doing what us right for you and yours and ignore them.
Reminds me of the type at uni that would pretend they did no work, when really studying all hours and then feign shock when great results...'oh I'm so shocked I barely looked at the work '

Yes there is definitely culture on class what's apps of competitive rubbish parenting but when it comes to it the ones going on about how much they don't care are blatantly the ones actually going above and beyond in reality. It's pretty pathetic actually. Don't pay any attention to what others are doing, you just do you.

I think though these groups can be very pressurised to all say the same thing

I get that, but it sounds like these people are lying and pretending they're doing the opposite to everyone else
So more like:

Everyone else: it's been a struggle so we only managed to get some done/well we got it done today but it was a battle!
Liars: oh well we prioritise our child's mental health so we're not making them do anything. They only get to be children once after all.

Lying about doing nothing but also taking the others down a peg or two is nasty not about trying to fit in.

Why assume that the parents are the ones that are lying rather than the DC? I find it hard to believe that many people are getting their DC up hours before class starts for example. I remember my DDs' friends exaggerating like this when they were at primary school.

I'd assume their lying because from the quotes from the OP that they've been saying when others are saying they're struggling they sound like twats and twats are likely to also be liars in my experience.

@tawnytowel

Honestly this is such crap! Lying about it out of the kindness of your hearts and for the benefit of others, hilarious.

In life you only lie if you’re embarrassed about something, you know it’s wrong, you know it’s sly, or you intentionally want to mislead people.

Because you know what, it’s not kind and it does affect other people. When those parents you care so much about then get told that their children are “behind” they’re not going to appreciate your “grace” then are they. No - and that’s exactly what you want them to be told, because it’s the knock on effect of giving your own kids extra help in order for them to come first. Which is all you really care about.

Otherwise you wouldn’t lie about it.

So you've never told a white lie or bended the truth to save someone's feelings? To make them feel better or, at least, a bit less shit?

You sound really angry. People are in different positions in this. I am furloughed with a y1 child who enjoys doing most of her school work. Should I just refuse to do it with her (when I've got nothing else to do anyway) because it's not fair that some kids don't have a parent on furlough? I think the whole situation is terrible and really unfair to parents who have multiple children and/or trying to juggle work with homeschooling. I don't want to make those parents feel worse because my DD is lucky to be the only school age child in the house and have a parent with loads of free time. How would that help the situation?

Like I said most of the time I just keep quiet. But when I can see that another parent is looking for help or support I try to help and show a bit of solidarity at the same time.

*they're

Most threads about dc doing well and working hard get accusations of smugness, sarcastic applauses and award messages and all manner of things.
People are also sensitive if their dc aren’t doing well, so why would you say they were if others aren’t?

As someone up the thread said, it's a tale as old as time.

It's as if the girls I went to school with, who claimed to have done no revision then came out of their exams with straight A-grades, have grown up and become parents themselves...and the pattern continues with their children.

Could be competitive - you know, downplay what you are doing to try and trick everyone else into doing very little to give your child a head start. But I suspect more realistically they're concerned they'll be labelled 'keen' or a try hard.

I don't have school age children yet, but my toddler whatsapp group with fellow mummies is absolutely filled with photos of them doing all sorts of wholesome and educational activities with their little ones. I'm not sure what's worse - downplaying what you do with your children or taking photos of it and sharing them every day.

I agree it means very different things to different people. One of my brothers and his wife would say I was a bit slack. But they had a 100% tiger parenting style. Both their daughters have Science doctorates like themselves but it was a totalitarian regime of study.

My sons friends thought I was strict and I do think compared to his English friends I was.

I'm ot sure how it impacts on you how much work they are doing.
Its not a competition.
Just do how much you want to do and let them do how much they want to.
Its not impacting on you or your kids, so I'm not sure why you care so much.

Call them out on it. "Oh, your dd said ...."
It's like kids at school saying they haven't revised for a test when you know they have, because they are conscientious.

@BigBadVoodooHat but you’re not protecting people’s feelings when the consequences of what you’re doing means that their kids are seen to fall behind are you?

tawnytowel, so if the parents told the truth and said their dcs are doing great, do you actually feel happy for them if you were struggling?

I’d have a lot more respect for them yeah. Happy - meh, whatever floats their boat. I’d also feel a lot less concerned if my kid was told they were behind compared to those children (they’re not) as I think we all know the issues lie with the parents not with the kids. I can afford to tutor, I could also make time to set extra work before and after school but I don’t because I’d rather mine were happy and able to stand on their own two feet.

Welcome to normality original poster! This is expected and not a rarity. Many parents are leveraging and maxing out the quasi working from home lockdown while others complain their lives are turned upside down because of working from home and home tutoring.

I personally know how competitive some primary school classes are in this pandemic as little children are still innocent and tell it as it is (thankfully) unlike their competitive and secretive parents working military style operations around the clock to get their child ahead of the game. So in summary from my experience as much as there is the “oh I can’t be bothered with it” brigade there are many behind the scenes force feeding their children much extra educational nourishment and it’s not just pay as you go fee paying schools but also more sought after over subscribed tax payer paid for state schools too. People realise in this once in a lifetime pandemic as the economy crashes who will be best equipped to survive!

Its not a competition

It is though. Everything about school is a competition for some people, otherwise most wouldn’t be doing it.

@Pastasau

It doesn't impact my child whatsoever but why lie & be so goady on the class whatsapp saying they're "prioritising play" "only doing a handful of the work" "letting the kids be kids" when the kids have an entirely different story. It's so hypocritical.. I mentioned as well as others on the group when it was brought up that we had completed todays agenda to be met with "we did nothing here, not forcing the kids, they only get one childhood"!

So would you feel better if they were posting things like. 'Yup we finished the work it was a piece of cake.' ' The wprk isnt pushing my kids so we are doing loads of extra work' ' We are on a strict timetable. We are waking at 6.30 and doing 2 hours extra work a day.' ' yup me and the kids are finding lockdown learning a breeze.' Cos I'm sure if they were posting the above you'd still be on here complaining about them.

@MrsToadlike

I think what you said here:

‘Could be competitive - you know, downplay what you are doing to try and trick everyone else into doing very little to give your child a head start.’

I think a chance for some to jump to top of the class when schools return. Will only work if some others drop the ball.

@BigBadVoodooHat but you’re not protecting people’s feelings when the consequences of what you’re doing means that their kids are seen to fall behind are you?

What anyone says, or doesn't say, and what anyone does, or doesn't do, in terms of homeschooling has absolutely no bearing on the outcome for other children.

Other children's educational attainment is not a 'consequence' of other people's claim about what they ae or are not doing.

I'm struggling to understand the causality you're implying here. If I say I do 100 hours of school work a week, or I say I do 1 hour of schoolwork a month, how does that cause someone else's children to fall behind?

Nothing anyone else says about what they're doing has a direct consequence for your child. What you do has a direct consequence for your child.

Haha we've got one of these in our WhatsApp group. Makes out that she's too busy to do the work because of her job, and then posts pictures of her kids doing work with a full classroom set up in her dining room complete with education posters on the wall (letters, numbers etc).

She dominates the WhatsApp group chat and definitely sees herself as the Queen Bee. Most of us just ignore her and laugh about her on the smaller secret Whatsapp group.

[quote SpaceRaiders]@Tier500 But ultimately, its non of your business and I mean this kindly. If I mention my dc is having extra tutoring it implies that they’re behind or struggling. If I lie about it, it may be because I don’t want the whole class to know? And as you’ve confirmed, people do make judgments and talk.

For us I was very open about it when asked, dc has had tutoring from September. Not only due to covid but to plug any gaps for 11+. Ultimately it’s my dc and my choice.[/quote]
He has tutoring because "oh he is behind", or "too stupid to learn on their own", "being spoon-fed will show up later in life", " they only do well because they have tutoring".

Get your child some tutoring them. Children have different learning styles. What if your child's comfortable with homeschooling or learning style is compatible with the teacher's but my DC's isn't. Must I just sit on my hands and twiddle my thumbs.

Grades are not an indication of intelligence always but they are a screening method and I will do my best to ensure my children are well equipped at getting the best grades, as well as ensuring they are knowledgeable on the world around them and other subjects the school does not provide.

Being academic or doing well in school is subject to so much criticism from OTHER parents, you would swear it was a sin. You can't win either way. Athletic or musically gifted children are not the object of such venom, as children who get good grades. So I lie not to deal with it.
Like I said I don't offer information but lie if asked. Also if people continuously lie to you about this kind of thing - maybe examine your attitude, you might be the judgemental one who always has something snarky to say

On one of the WhatsApp groups I'm on there's a competitive vibe that is centred around 'wellbeing', supporting each other, videos from parents that ordinarily run things like yoga for youngsters. Equally, there are quite a few Dads working at home now and the area I live in has quite a few people that work in the 'creative' industries so some of the efforts have been amazing, my DD had to watch an animation film made by a child the other day on the topic they are studying- above and beyond!

I definitely don’t take this at face value, people often underplay what they do. I think online learning in some shape or form is going to go on for some time. It could be a mistake to think that your child will “catch up” when everything is “back to normal”......what or when that may be no one knows.

It reminds me of school....” I didn’t study at all” and then A +++++ 😂

Two mums at my daughter's primary school were exactly like this. It was very clear they hated each other and were constantly trying to outdo the other. It passed directly down to their daughters and they had this friendship underlined with barely hidden seething resentment.

It was obvious for years that the slightly less well achieving girl was struggling to keep up and was anxious. Both girls are very high achieving but one has now been hospitalised for anorexia. The other has no other interests but her education. I think it borders on abuse.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Two mums at my daughter's primary school were exactly like this. It was very clear they hated each other and were constantly trying to outdo the other. It passed directly down to their daughters and they had this friendship underlined with barely hidden seething resentment.

It was obvious for years that the slightly less well achieving girl was struggling to keep up and was anxious. Both girls are very high achieving but one has now been hospitalised for anorexia. The other has no other interests but her education. I think it borders on abuse.

Goodness You had quite an insight in to these two women and their daughters’ lives