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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I moved a vase

238 replies

PineapplePrincess · 07/02/2021 22:00

That’s it. I moved it. From the living room to the sitting area in the kitchen.

Cleared the kids stuff away, as no one had touched the stuff in over a year and they were collecting dust. Plug sock was visible, so arranged a lamp, vase and old fashioned phone in a way that would hide it and look nice.

Not wedded to it, but thought it would do till I find something better.

Of course husband lost the plot. Doesn’t like it. Okay fine, I asked him to suggest something better or said to just leave as is till we could maybe buy something - but no wasn’t happy.

Ended in a shouting match, as he’s trying to put the vase back - I’m trying to keep it where it is. Apparently I make all the decisions when it comes to decor (I don’t) and never consult him. I didn’t think we needed a conversation to move a bloody vase.

Really....?

OP posts:
CornishPastyDownUnder · 08/02/2021 03:55

I work across a number of disability service providers..this type of behaviour is included in about85%of our consumer profiles under'behavioural triggers'..YourP really needs to talk to someone-this isnt your burden to unpick.

AnitaB888 · 08/02/2021 03:58

Has your DH got OCD, OP?
Have you experienced this behaviour before?

FortunesFave · 08/02/2021 04:01

[quote englishroseamongstirishthorns]@fortunesfave - i'm not sure there was any need for that language. I am not a troll. I am simply stating my opinion. You may state yours, but there is no need to be rude.

I consider the home my domain and I think most women do. The husband in this situation should not be dictating where a lady places a vase. Unless of course he wants to start arranging the flowers in it himself too, which I highly doubt is likely.[/quote]
Calling the home "a woman's domain' is not an opinion. It is a crock of shit.

It's like saying "The workplace is a man's domain"

Which again, is not an opinion but a crock of shit.

Most women don't think like you.

englishroseamongstirishthorns · 08/02/2021 04:15

@fortunesfave - i consider your opinion "a crock of shit" too but I didnt feel the need to start a slanging match. May i suggest you fuck off back to whatever hole you crawled out of to be so unnecessarily derogatory about someone else's view? Thanks in advance.

FortunesFave · 08/02/2021 04:19

[quote englishroseamongstirishthorns]@fortunesfave - i consider your opinion "a crock of shit" too but I didnt feel the need to start a slanging match. May i suggest you fuck off back to whatever hole you crawled out of to be so unnecessarily derogatory about someone else's view? Thanks in advance.[/quote]
Aha! Not so judgy about 'language' really are you!? 🤣

FortunesFave · 08/02/2021 04:20

And anyway...sexism is always to be roundly attacked. Not dismissed as someone else's view.

veeeeh · 08/02/2021 04:20

The day my DH gives two shiny shits about the position of vases and the like is the he's off to the divorce courts!

Do men even notice, or care. Weird.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2021 05:04

YANBU, @PineapplePrincess and the not talking to you in a week after the radiator cover incident is controlling. So was today's disproportionate anger.

This is not 'a touch of OCD' and I doubt the conflict over keeping things neat and clean is OCD-related either. He wants you doing things his way, and that is control.

The aim of the random disproportionate anger response is to make you play the game of 'Guess How I'll React If You Take Any Initiative'. It's a close relative of 'Guess My Mood'. If you let him get away with it and the sulking you will find yourself keeping a watchful eye out for his changing mood all the time, second guessing yourself and feeling completely intimidated and inhibited in your own home.

Tell him you are not going to put up with this any more. Insist on relationship counseling. Go to counseling by yourself to learn how to deal with him.

interest12 · 08/02/2021 06:25

[quote englishroseamongstirishthorns]@fortunesfave - i'm not sure there was any need for that language. I am not a troll. I am simply stating my opinion. You may state yours, but there is no need to be rude.

I consider the home my domain and I think most women do. The husband in this situation should not be dictating where a lady places a vase. Unless of course he wants to start arranging the flowers in it himself too, which I highly doubt is likely.[/quote]
Are you 90 years old?

Shoxfordian · 08/02/2021 06:36

He sounds very controlling and it seems like this is a pattern of behaviour not a one off

Have you ever thought of leaving him?

Bluesheep8 · 08/02/2021 07:39

He didn’t speak to me for a week

What? Over a radiator cover? His over reactions are very odd indeed. Is he otherwise quite well?

donquixotedelamancha · 08/02/2021 07:57

I didn’t want to be looking at the sockets and I didn’t think it looked that bad. Plus I was sticking to point of principal, that he was being unreasonable....

I can't believe so many people are reading this and assuming DH is terrible. Am I the only one who thinks that wanting to hide plug sockets and refusing to compromise over petty décor choices as 'a point of principle' are batshit?

I don't think he's abusive, I think you are both being petty because you've been stuck in a house together for most of a year. Either start talking about what frustrates you and learn to be kind to one another again or get a fucking divorce.

Washingmyself · 08/02/2021 08:20

My DH is same. I can’t move anything as he will just moved it back with horrible dramas screaming etc.
Also if I buy anything he just chucks it as he dislike all I like.

PensionsYes · 08/02/2021 08:38

Very weird and controlling. Talk to him about it?

Hey12345678 · 08/02/2021 08:44

Does he have OCD?

Bluesheep8 · 08/02/2021 08:48

My DH is same. I can’t move anything as he will just moved it back with horrible dramas screaming etc.
Also if I buy anything he just chucks it as he dislike all I like.

What? Seriously? Shock and you're ok with this?

skybluepinks · 08/02/2021 08:49

[quote englishroseamongstirishthorns]@skybluepinks - thanks for your view. I don't agree, but as you've been so rude I will engage. This is my opinion. the OP does not need to consider it if she disagrees, but there is no need for you to stick your oar or your size 10s in. She can think for herself. We are all just giving opinions.[/quote]
You are being openly sexist and that is a crock of shit. You can try and excuse it as much as you like but it's still a crock of shit.

AndreaMartelsCoat · 08/02/2021 09:01

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

Your husband needs to understand that the home is the woman's domain and that it is not his choice where things go like vases. He surely must have better things to worry about than this? I suppose the lack of pubs being open is a problem for many men these days as they don't have their usual masculine outlet to focus on. I would probably move it back for now until the covid situation is better - when he has other things to do and worry about, move it back.
This makes me deeply uncomfortable and sets women back many years.

Op there's no such thing as an touch of ocd and I have a tendency to lose my shit at people who think it.

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/02/2021 09:02

Wow op this is just wild. He does sound controlling. You say he's not generally controlling but I'd have a look at how he behaves and think about it in terms if it is controlling as I wonder if retrospectively you'll find that some of his behaviours are.

As @MrsTerryPratchett somone who lived with me and didn't speak to me for a week would be gone quickly.

I understand pp's suggesting ocd as it is important to consider if there might be reasons he is behaving how he is beyond his control. But honestly ocd is a serious mental health issue and would be manifesting it's self in ways beyond just freaking out about moving a vase.

OP have you since talked to him about his reaction? What had/would he say?

Arobase · 08/02/2021 09:20

You need a conversation with him about why this distresses him so much when other things don't. It could be genuinely because it makes him incredibly uncomfortable if he is on the spectrum or has OCD; in which case I'd cut him some slack; or it could be because he just doesn't like you doing something without his agreement, in which case I'd tell him to grow up and stop sulking.

[But I can't see the problem with glimpsing a socket and the vase doesn't sound like a thing of beauty anyway].

Devlesko · 08/02/2021 09:31

Well he's controlling and abusive, it sounds like no life.
A grown man sulking for a week, he can't be very attractive.

EttaKett · 08/02/2021 09:32

Am I the only one who thinks that wanting to hide plug sockets and refusing to compromise over petty décor choices as 'a point of principle' are batshit?

No, you're not. I immediately start to feel peculiar at the thought of there being people who feel the need to hide their plug sockets. Radiator covers are an abomination, too. They are only one remove from fluffy loo-seat covers and little skirts that hide loo rolls.

FortunesFave · 08/02/2021 09:34

I hide plug sockets! They're ugly! I don't like looking at them.

Radiator covers I'm not so hot on - but I have nice old radiators. Maybe I'd feel differently if I had the modern type.

FangsForTheMemory · 08/02/2021 09:35

I loathe radiator covers, they are as tasteful as knitted crinoline lady loo roll covers IMO and I wouldn’t have one in the house but the placement of a vase? There must be more to it than that.

FangsForTheMemory · 08/02/2021 09:36

@EttaKett great minds!