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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 07/02/2021 19:51

YANBU
Your body. Your birth
Flowers

Hallomi · 07/02/2021 19:55

I understand the idea being behind your DH wanting his daughter to be there, I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling. He should have spoken to you first though.

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme, I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD ?

Vehivle · 07/02/2021 19:56

Absolutely YANBU. Your body, your birth! How old is dsd out of curiosity?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/02/2021 19:57

He was completely unreasonable to insist on it. This is absolutely your call.

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 19:58

Absolutely not if you don’t want it.

Isadora2007 · 07/02/2021 19:58

Yanbu. But I’d not be arranging or in arranging any contact for your sd around your labour or birth tbh. It should be her home too when it’s time for her to be there. But if you do happen to go into labour when she’s there it’s up to you who goes in. I doubt you’d go into labour anyway on the exact date etc. So it may be a non issue.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/02/2021 19:59

Yes your DH is a dickhead
Does he have any female friends or relatives he would listen to that you could talk to? He needs to be told what a dickhead he's being

Slumcat · 07/02/2021 19:59

Absolutely your choice to have who you wish at the birth

Meredithgrey1 · 07/02/2021 19:59

YANBU, as the one giving birth, it’s your choice.
However, I do understand why your DH would like his DD there if the other daughter will be there (are your other DDs his daughters?). But your opinions trumps his in this situation.
How old is your DSD?

CodenameVillanelle · 07/02/2021 19:59

@Hallomi

I understand the idea being behind your DH wanting his daughter to be there, I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling. He should have spoken to you first though.

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme, I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD ?

You think it's extreme that she feels anxious at being forced to have an unrelated child in the room while she gives birth?
Santaiscovidfree · 07/02/2021 19:59

Who the hell voted yabu?
Not sure I would want him there now tbh op.

2typesofjungle · 07/02/2021 20:00

Giving birth isn't really a spectators sport, so if I were you I'd knock the lot of them on the head.

ItsNotAlrightButItsOkay · 07/02/2021 20:00

YANBU.
I wouldn't want that either. Surely he doesn't want his baby being brought into a stressful environment!
He should respect your decision.

sadpapercourtesan · 07/02/2021 20:00

He's being a massive bellend. Stick to your guns - if he can't be sensible, he can stay the fuck out as well.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/02/2021 20:00

What's his ex like? I'd not be massively keen on my 10/11 year old at someone else's labour. That might nicely resolve the whole thing.

justthecat · 07/02/2021 20:01

It’s your choice and I’d be surprised if she wants to be there honestly

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 07/02/2021 20:01

No uterus, no opinion I’m afraid for me.

How old is your SD?

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 20:01

YANBU at all

it's one of the few times where it's entirely up to you and no-one else! (medical team excepted)

Plus that poor kid shouldn't have to be around when her step-mother gives birth!

Your DH IS a dickhead.

(on a complete side note, all home births around my area have been cancelled so it's not even a choice)

SarahAndQuack · 07/02/2021 20:02

How weird of him!

Being there when a baby's born isn't 'being involved with a new sibling'. Newborn babies have as much personality as a loaf of bread.

I don't think it's weird you feel like curling up into a ball about it either. Obviously it depends how early a stepchild comes into your life, but if you've not done the nappy changes and they've not done the intrusive toddler bit where they see you on the loo every day and get in the bath with you, it's natural you'd be more shy about your body with them than with your daughter.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 20:02

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff

No uterus, no opinion I’m afraid for me.

How old is your SD?

I'd change that to

not YOUR uterus, no opinion. It could be a lesbian relationship, it might be the only time when the mother giving birth is in charge.

YoBeaches · 07/02/2021 20:02

I wouldn't want any kids there. No matter how mature you think they are they usually aren't.

You're having a baby. It's nuts for you and shit goes on. The kids can stay upstairs and you and dh get on with it they'll be the first to meet baby afterwards.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 20:02

No, it's up to you who you want there. I personally would hate any children there while I'm screaming in pain or if something goes wrong. But it's 100% your choice who is there.

Pleatherandlace · 07/02/2021 20:03

Birth is NOT a spectator sport. Would he can take her to watch him get his prostate checked? No didn’t think so.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 20:03

Your husband can fuck off to the far side. He has absolutely no say as to who is present when you give birth.

Crunchymum · 07/02/2021 20:03

I'm assuming DSD is an adult?

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