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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/02/2021 16:58

@SomersetHamlyn looking at OP's previous comments I think there's a comma missing after after the 100s of miles away bit i.e. the "her choice" part only applies to the latter half of the sentence about barely visiting.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 17:12

@MyCatHatesEverybody yes I understand that, but I was questioning the entire idea of putting the responsibility for not visiting/living far away on to a 10 or 11 year old child.

As I said, I agree OP is in the right when it comes to giving birth, but I think her attitude towards her stepdaughter is very problematic. And i think it is relevant how and why he lives so far away from his daughter - and to try to put the responsibility for 'barely visiting' on to a young child is wrong.

addicted2spaniels · 12/02/2021 17:13

great update OP, and i wouldn't bother reading through the ridiculous level of arguing present here.

well done for standing up for yourself.

TwelvePaws · 12/02/2021 17:43

I’m glad he’s apologised OP and I can see why you just want it all left to calm down at the moment with half term and your baby due.
When you feel more able to deal with the bigger situation, I really hope that you do as you deserve to be treated better. Good luck with everything. 💐

RootyT00t · 12/02/2021 17:53

Aw this is a good update OP

PADH · 12/02/2021 18:03

@SomersetHamlyn

OP that's a great update and you are of course 100% right to say who you do and don't want around you when you give birth.

I wanted to ask you though, you said

him putting his guilt over DSD living 100s of miles away and barely visiting (which is her choice not ours)

You've mentioned several times that he lives over 4 hours away from his daughter. When you say this is 'her choice' how can it be? She's only 11. Do you mean that her mother chose to move so far away? Or was it your partner who chose to move so far away from his daughter?
In either case, it's not in any real sense 'her choice' to live so far away.

While you're totally in the right with regards to the time around giving birth, I do think that you have a lot of hostility to this child and it comes across in your posts that you really don't like her being around in general.

I don't know what this means for your future but I agree that you and your partner have a lot of talking to do.

I wish you all the best.

🙄 let it go ffs
aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 18:03

As I said, I agree OP is in the right when it comes to giving birth, but I think her attitude towards her stepdaughter is very problematic. And i think it is relevant how and why he lives so far away from his daughter - and to try to put the responsibility for 'barely visiting' on to a young child is wrong.

I think you might be reading too much weight behind the words. For a step parent, the step child not visiting often isn't always a source of angst like it is for their parent, so for example it is purely a fact that my step son spending more time at his mum's is his choice, it's not something I resent him for. I doubt it was meant as an accusation.

PADH · 12/02/2021 18:05

So happy to read your update OP, best of luck Flowers

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 18:16

@asofanearyou I was picking up on OP describing her partner's guilt as 'misplaced' because apparently it's all down to his 10-year-old daughter that their relationship is suffering.

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 18:24

I was picking up on OP describing her partner's guilt as 'misplaced' because apparently it's all down to his 10-year-old daughter that their relationship is suffering.

There is no implied blame, though. OP didn't say it's her fault their relationship is suffering, she said it was her choice to live with her mum far away. She didn't suggest that was wrong or needed to cause issues in their relationship. She probably feels her husband is the only one who sees it as an issue at all.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 18:29

What I'm saying is whoever created the situation where a 10 year old child has her parents living 4 hours apart from each other, so she can barely see one of them, it wasn't her fault or 'her choice'.

OP's dislike of the stepdaughter comes across loud and clear. I have a daughter the same age and I hate to see that attitude from an adult.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 18:30

(And it may well be that the husband is right to feel guilty if it's him who chose to move so far away from his child. )

RootyT00t · 12/02/2021 19:09

@SomersetHamlyn

What I'm saying is whoever created the situation where a 10 year old child has her parents living 4 hours apart from each other, so she can barely see one of them, it wasn't her fault or 'her choice'.

OP's dislike of the stepdaughter comes across loud and clear. I have a daughter the same age and I hate to see that attitude from an adult.

I agree, but I've moved on from my words, took my pounding from PP and have wished OP well.
SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 19:44

@RootyT00t

I have only read the OP's posts so I didn't know you'd made the same points. Glad to hear I'm not the only one disturbed by it.

CecilyP · 12/02/2021 19:54

Today 18:29 SomersetHamlyn

What I'm saying is whoever created the situation where a 10 year old child has her parents living 4 hours apart from each other, so she can barely see one of them, it wasn't her fault or 'her choice'.

I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, Somerset. Obviously, it was one or other of the adult’s choice to move 4 hours away and nothing whatsoever to do with the child. However, the child now has the opportunity to visit once a month but is some months chooses not to avail herself of that opportunity. Maybe, ‘barely visiting’ was a bit of an exaggeration on OP’s part, but hardly evidence of dislike.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 20:00

@CecilyP
The dislike is clear in other posts, for example when she describes her stepdaughter's comments and behaviour. Let's be honest, it's obvious.

The child has been put in a position where 'choosing' to see her father means a 4 hour journey and staying with a woman who clearly hates her being around. Not much of a 'choice', really.

I was specifically taking issue with the bit where op says her partner is wrong to feel guilty about living so far away from his child. Why shouldn't he?

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 20:04

@SomersetHamlyn

What I'm saying is whoever created the situation where a 10 year old child has her parents living 4 hours apart from each other, so she can barely see one of them, it wasn't her fault or 'her choice'.

OP's dislike of the stepdaughter comes across loud and clear. I have a daughter the same age and I hate to see that attitude from an adult.

Ah well if you're just one of the "aren't SMs awful, anything negative they point out is "clear evidence of contempt"" types then I won't bother engaging, better to save space on this thread for OP.
CecilyP · 12/02/2021 20:14

I was specifically taking issue with the bit where op says her partner is wrong to feel guilty about living so far away from his child. Why shouldn't he?

That would rather depend on who moved so far away. And either way guilt doesn’t serve any useful purpose. It doesn’t help his DD and harms his relationship with his second wife and family.

Meowtha · 12/02/2021 20:15

I don't think it sounds like she dislikes DSD at all.

She just doesn't want her there while she's in agony and her bleeding and gaping vagina is expelling a human.

Which is absolutely fair enough.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 20:25

@CecilyP

That would rather depend on who moved so far away

I agree entirely which is why I asked that exact question.

And either way guilt doesn’t serve any useful purpose. It doesn’t help his DD and harms his relationship with his second wife and family.

Feeling guilty about doing something bad which has hurt your children may not 'serve a purpose' but that doesn't mean it's an inappropriate response.

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 20:27

@Meowtha

I don't think it sounds like she dislikes DSD at all.

We will have to agree to disagree on that. I think it's pretty obvious from her posts.

I agree that no one should ever have to have anyone present while they give birth who they don't want to be there. That also seems obviously true to me.

Darbs76 · 12/02/2021 20:34

I personally wouldn’t want any children there especially young females. One way to put them off I guess. I can understand why he’s upset though. If I was born my older child (and I did have an older child by different father than my ex liked to exclude at times) couldn’t be there. I’d feel the same. I think he’s got a point. It’s your body, your choice but why not just have no children there - all children can meet the new baby when all the gory bits are over

RootyT00t · 12/02/2021 21:30

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@Meowtha

I don't think it sounds like she dislikes DSD at all.

We will have to agree to disagree on that. I think it's pretty obvious from her posts.

I agree that no one should ever have to have anyone present while they give birth who they don't want to be there. That also seems obviously true to me.[/quote]
There seems to be a total unwillingness or inability to understand that you can think both things but I get it, cause I agree.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/02/2021 21:52

Must be nice to know that the other women in your DH's life - his Mum and his ex - both agree with you about this!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/02/2021 21:59

@SomersetHamlyn why are you airbrushing out the positive things OP has said about her DSD, that she can be very sweet and is great 80% of the time? Do you think the many, many parents who post on mumsnet because they're struggling with aspects of their children's behaviour dislike their actual child as opposed to disliking just those behaviours?

Some might think that OP was just covering her back by saying nice things too but it shows we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I can't think of any other kind of relationship other than that of step parent to step child where the expectation would be that we have to be 100% ok with someone else's behaviour at all times and not allowed to express any frustration or displeasure without being accused of dislike or resentment or whatever else gets thrown at us.