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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/02/2021 21:00

Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 21:01

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours
he's the one giving birth is he?

No one is entitled to anything, the woman giving birth is entitled to people respecting her and her choices. And her privacy.

IcyApril · 07/02/2021 21:01

Best of luck with your birth op. I’m sure you know this already but despite some comments on here, it isn’t that weird that you would like your kids to be there. As you probably know, it’s very common with home births.

DareIask · 07/02/2021 21:02

I've never ever said this in all the time I've been on here.

Tell him to fuck off

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 21:02

@ShinyGreenElephant

Just to add - dsds mum has no idea that I'm having a home birth or that there is any suggestion of dsd being there. She despises me and would absolutely hit the roof and probably take him back to court saying she was traumatised by being stuck upstairs for hours not allowed down or alternatively by coming down for a snack and getting a close up view of me shitting in the birth pool. The only sensible option is for us to stick to the original plan - she comes as soon as dd3 is here so she gets to meet her ASAP but isn't here for the main event. I know for a fact its what both dsd and her mum would prefer
I can't blame her, I would hit the roof too!
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 21:02

but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours
He’s not even entitled to be at the birth of OP doesn’t want him there, women are thankfully no longer their husbands property, so no he is not entitled to invite other members of his family along for the show.

surreymum89 · 07/02/2021 21:02

I think you get to choose exactly who and what you want whilst giving birth, maybe just have SDD after the birth rather than whilst giving birth so she wouldn't feel left out.

I had my 10 year old at the birth of my youngest (hospital birth) and she was fine , it was lovely, but she really wanted to be there and we had spoken a lot beforehand about it and if she was sure.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 21:03

@BlowDryRat its my DD2 who is still breastfeeding! She wants to feed constantly at the moment so I may feed her in the early stages of labour, before I'm in the pool. I'm not quite weird enough to want to breastfeed my preteen!

@zerrin13 that made me laugh so much! We defo wont be keeping the placenta and after all these opinions I'm leaning towards DD11 being right to reject my offer to come in as shes coming out! Its such a lovely image in my head but I am happy to accept im being weird!

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 07/02/2021 21:04

I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling

Sorry should have said your sh should have discussed it with you first but he is as entitled to have his dd there as you are yours

It’s not about the baby, it’s about a grown adult

I take it you’ve drawn up a list of spectators when he has the snip?

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 21:04

YANBU your husbands being an utter dick. Its not your hormones OP its your selfish husband x

FlyingPandas · 07/02/2021 21:05

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

I don't think it's fair on any child to have to be remotely involved or witness their mother's labour frankly.

With no childcare, the usual way is to leave the kids with their dad and go to hospital alone. Midwives tend to be much more caring when they are helping a lonely mother.

or get a doola or something.

This, basically.

YANBU to want to choose who is there but I can't imagine anything worse than having DC in the house whilst you're labouring and giving birth. Think about how traumatic it will be for your young daughters to hear you groaning, grunting, crying, screaming, swearing (ok, not everyone does that, but most people lose control at some point) and that's not even with them being in the room. Sound really carries in a domestic house. Are your DDs really going to just quietly 'stay upstairs'? Mine would be outside the door in floods of tears and hysterical, massively traumatised by hearing me in pain.

And what happens if (hopefully it won't happen, but always a possibility) there's an emergency and you have to be blue-lighted to hospital?

I'm not sure you've thought this through OP. In your shoes I think I'd be going to hospital and leaving DH with all 3 DC. And then they can all meet their new sibling together. Would that not be an option?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/02/2021 21:05

If he lives in the house and pays the bills he is entitled to have his dd in the house...I never said watching the birth ffs. Read the post.

But he is just as entitled as the op to have his child at his home. Their home.

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 21:06

The only sensible option is for us to stick to the original plan - she comes as soon as dd3 is here so she gets to meet her ASAP but isn't here for the main event.

I agree.
Keep all of the children away until baby and placenta are out safely.
There'll be plenty of time to see her. And new born babies are pretty ugly anyway so I prefer seeing them a bit later on anyway Grin

If there's no one else to look after them I would at least buy them some headphones to wear just in case - I think I'd be scarred for life hearing my mum screaming in pain and I'd never want to see a baby ripping out of her vagina.

MessAllOver · 07/02/2021 21:06

Yes, I'm not sure why you would want your child to see you in prolonged pain.

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 21:07

If you know for sure that your dsd won’t want to be there, can’t you just ask her, she will say no thanks and everyone is happy?

roxisolerenshaw · 07/02/2021 21:07

Your birth is not a TV show! It's outrageous that your DH thinks he can dictate who should be present. This is about you and creating an environment that is conducive to the best possible delivery.

FoxInSocks2 · 07/02/2021 21:08

Well I think no kids in the room whilst you give birth. If DD2 needs to be the exception as she is so young then that's fine, she won't know what's going on.

BlowDryRat · 07/02/2021 21:08

@ShinyGreenElephant ahhh ok, I mis-read DD2 as your second daughter and that she was one of the girls in your first post, aged 10 and 11. That would indeed be a bit weird...

Just toddle off to the nearest birthing centre on your own and treat it like a spa weekend with added drugs. Or say no kids in the room until everyone's dressed.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 21:09

*If he lives in the house and pays the bills he is entitled to have his dd in the house...I never said watching the birth ffs. Read the post.

But he is just as entitled as the op to have his child at his home. Their home*

Sorry. Everyone else is obviously mistaken thinking this is a post about who is present when a woman gives birth. We mustn’t have read properly.

Dopeyduck · 07/02/2021 21:10

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband can fuck off to the far side. He has absolutely no say as to who is present when you give birth.
This with bells on
yvanka · 07/02/2021 21:10

Id like DD11 to come in at that moment too as I love the idea of them both seeing their sisters birth.

I can see why your DH wants his daughter there too if you have said things like this in front of him. If you want it to be a big memorable family event then it's not fair to leave her out.

Tone down the romanticism in front of him and say that you've actually decided you don't want any of the kids seeing it. As you've said, your eldest won't want to anyway and youngest won't know what's going on so it's a non-issue.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 21:11

it's a non-issue
Finding out she’s so low on her husbands priority list, even when giving birth to his child, is very much an issue.

GrasswillbeGreener · 07/02/2021 21:11

Back when I was a medical student doing my obs attachment, I recall meeting a woman in early labour, whose long determined plan was that her son and daughter - perhaps 10/12, maybe a little older - would see the birth. Her goal was to help deter them from teen pregnancy risks in the strongest possible way.

As delivery got closer, she changed her mind and didn't want them in the room after all. I'm sure it was lovely for them to be in close range to meet the newborn fairly soon afterwards though.

I agree that it sounds like you should be planning that the older girls get the "special responsibility" of minding the 2 yr old at the point you want your DH present for the birth. If family dynamics are such that that would not be safe then your DH has to draw the obvious conclusion.

Hope you can get decent arrangements in place; and fingers crossed the home birth works out ok for you (I'm not keen on them, but can see that someone with a history of 2 normal deliveries is probably the right candidate if anyone is)

XenoBitch · 07/02/2021 21:14

It is 100% your say!

Mumski45 · 07/02/2021 21:14

I absolutely think it is your body and your choice who you have in the room with you.
However I think you have put your DH in a very difficult position. I don't think he is ignoring your wishes but just trying to see it from his DD's point of view in that she will be treated differently.

I think it would be perfectly OK to say that neither of them should be there and indeed neither of them might want to be. However instead you are emphasising the difference between them. Your DH sees this and does t know how to manage an impossible situation where he will either upset you or his DD. You are effectively making him choose between the two of you.