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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
HelloThereMeHearties · 07/02/2021 20:33

YANBU. DH = dickhead.

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 07/02/2021 20:33

Wouldn't have any DC under 18 tbh - it's been carcrash central whenever I have given birth plus scary if anything starts to go wrong plus awful to see their parent in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
Unless you want to put them off sex and childbirth for life. None of my daughters would have wanted to see their brother being born - miracle of life/pandora's box...seeing their mum's box being prised open. No.
But as the saying goes, your vagina, your rules hun. You do you.

burritofan · 07/02/2021 20:35

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme,
Bloody hell, the OP made ME want to curl up in a ball and cry and it’s not my birth. I can’t think of anything less extreme than being anxious and upset at the thought of unwanted people in the room during labour.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 20:35

I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD
Oh for the love of god pass me a fucking drink. Why why why would you assume that the reason for not wanting anyone watching you give birth is that you don’t like them!?!? There are not enough eye rolls in the world for this.🙄
My DSD has cheerfully told me things like “gran has cheesy feet” and “mummy has a hairy front bum” in the past, which would be mortifying in the extreme if I knew she would watch me give birth and then report back little gems like that to her mother. So there’s one reason I would personally not entertain the idea of her being there in my case.
This is honestly The Ultimate occasion in which you are fully justified in “excluding” whoever the fuck you want.
Who the fuck does this prick think he is, thinking he can put pressure on a heavily pregnant woman like this?
It’s so inappropriate and wrong and my main question right now would be how much do you like your “D”H right now, never mind his kid???

Wattagoose90 · 07/02/2021 20:35

At this point I'd be changing my plan, leaving all kids with him and giving birth in hospital to spite him.

Your decision to be full on raging with him is justified. It's not his party, he doesn't get to hand out invitations. He might as well film it and broadcast it to his mates whilst he's there if this is the tact he's taking.

Does her mum know? I bet she doesn't particularly enjoy the idea of scarring her young kid for life, either.

Stand your ground and say no.

FortunesFave · 07/02/2021 20:36

I think you 'very much hoping" your DD would come into the room is a bit weird.

It's not pretty or moving for a child to see! It's bloody awful!

I'd just say no children in the room at all!

PanamaPattie · 07/02/2021 20:37

@Tamingofthehamster

I voted YABU. Not by not wanting your dsd there, but by not having her whilst having your own daughters there.
Someone has had an empathy bypass.
ProfessorSillyStuff · 07/02/2021 20:38

If you voted YABU please leave mumsnet and never return!

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 07/02/2021 20:38

YANBU to not want SD there, however for me I do think it would be really odd to have your dd there so YABU for that. This should be you, plus another adult of your choosing (if you want anyone!) absolutely no children - there's just too much going on or that could go wrong. Just my feelings though.

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 20:40

Fuck that! It really sounds like he's doing it just to spite you. So if you want your mum there for support then his mum has to be too? Why doesn't he just sell tickets?!

He can have whoever he wants watch his own medical procedures. But he does not get to dictate who watches you give birth. Birth is first and foremost about the mother.

If you want your own kid to be able to come in of she wants to then that's your business.

Are you civil enough with her mum to ring and explain that he was wrong to ask for DSD to be at the birth and that you're sure she'll agree with you that it's not suitable for DSD to be present while you're in labour but once you're feeling better you're looking forward to her meeting her new sibling.

Barbie222 · 07/02/2021 20:40

I think the idea of having children in to witness a birth is one of those things that might not go as well as you hope. I think there's little to be gained by witnessing the moment of birth and potentially (although god forbid) a lot to lose. I'd say neither of you were putting them first here and it does sound like there's a bit of a power struggle back story. Good luck with the birth.

alexdgr8 · 07/02/2021 20:40

@FortunesFave

I think you 'very much hoping" your DD would come into the room is a bit weird.

It's not pretty or moving for a child to see! It's bloody awful!

I'd just say no children in the room at all!

agree. your daughter might feel that she has to make an appearance just to please you. don't put that pressure on her. it is not a place for children. let them be children while they can.
LagunaBubbles · 07/02/2021 20:40

I take it this is his first baby? As your DDs are10 and 11 and your DSD is 10. Maybe he just wants her to feel part of it right from the start but no of course you don't need to have her there. Can you talk to.him?

VinylDetective · 07/02/2021 20:41

@2typesofjungle

Giving birth isn't really a spectators sport, so if I were you I'd knock the lot of them on the head.
Me too. It’s not the place for anybody’s children..
minniemango · 07/02/2021 20:41

No kids in the birth room.

If you have 3 DDs there and only invite two in, leaving 1 out, that’s a bit shit. I can see why your DH would object.
Plan to have your DH on childcare duty.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 20:41

@ShinyGreenElephant

Sorry dont think I was very clear - I'm not expecting either of my kids to be in the room for the vast majority of my labour. Very much hoping theyre asleep and just wake up to a new sibling. Theyre staying in the house due to lack of childcare - my mum will have them only in an absolute emergency. If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs. Due to a lack of any other childcare, DD2 if awake will probably have to come in for the actual moment of birth with DH otherwise he will miss it. Id like DD11 to come in at that moment too as I love the idea of them both seeing their sisters birth. Its not a case of wanting to leave DSD out at all and I guarantee she will NOT want to be there - even my own DD said no way and made sick noises! It's about DHs total lack of respect for my feelings at the one single time I should be his absolute top priority.
Oops! My mistake about having the children present. I hope your husband gets over himself soon and sees that he’s being a dickhead about this and you get to give birth in as calm a setting as possible.
Bluetonic41 · 07/02/2021 20:41

I am slightly concerned how you are unable to see how inappropriate and distressing it would be having your eldest see you give birth.

Whyyyyyythough · 07/02/2021 20:41

You can have whoever you want there obviously but it seems rather shitty to create a clear division between the girls

YoBeaches · 07/02/2021 20:42

Men don't think like women though. Youve blurred the boundaries for him by saying it would be ok for dd's to be there so why not dsd - it's a girl thing, right?!. I think whatever vision of dd being there when new one is born is far more pleasing in your mind then it would actually be for anyone in real life.

Keep all the children away. They really don't need to see a mushy bloody baby come out of mums mushy bloody fangina. Seriously.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 20:44

@FortunesFave and others whove said the same, you're probably right! DD2s birth was honestly blissful - so peaceful and magical and chilled, the moment she came out was incredible and I wished afterwards that DD1 could have been there. That doesn't mean this birth will go as calmly, I'm just convincing myself it will so that I feel happy and excited about it rather than worried. That calm and excitement has been well and truly blown to bits now! But yeah, DD11 doesn't want to see it and almost certainly won't come in anyway.

@PlinkPlink I did a hypnobirthing course before DD2 and they said exactly what you've said, which is why I'm so sure I don't want anyone there I'm not 100% comfortable with. It was a factor in me deciding on a home birth too, along with lack of childcare

OP posts:
2020iscancelled · 07/02/2021 20:45

Lmfaoooo HELL NO

As if any man has the right to dictate the details of a woman’s birth.

Tell him in no uncertain terms it is not happening.

Step mums are always told they are unreasonable for wanting to impose boundaries, they are expected to abandon all boundaries and accept all manner of shite being pushed on the regarding step children. But this is taking it to another level.

Whilst I know it might seem to some that it is unfair to have your own children in the house with the possibility of meeting their new sibling at birth or in the immediate hours after whilst your step child is expected to wait days for the same, the fact of the matter is that you are not her mother. You do not have the same relationship with her. She does not live with you. This matters. Do not concede or apologise. I’m a big believer of choosing your battles when it comes to SC but this is a line you have to draw and stick to it vehemently!

If dad wants his daughter at a birth then he needs to work out how to push one out himself. Simple as.

BeakyWinder · 07/02/2021 20:48

Is your DH the father of your other children or is this your first together?

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 20:48

If you have 3 DDs there and only invite two in, leaving 1 out, that’s a bit shit
OPs 3rd DD is invited because she’s the one who will be coming out of OPs vagina.

toocold54 · 07/02/2021 20:49

Why don't you just invite your DSD - you said yourself she'll say no and so then there are no arguments.
I can see why your DH wants her involved if all the others are involved - it's her sibling too.

I personally wouldn't have any of them it is too much risk if something goes wrong. Your DD's will obviously be there in the morning so you will still have that special time of them seeing their sibling but without excluding DSD (and without all the afterbirth etc).

Zerrin13 · 07/02/2021 20:50

To be brutally honest here you both sound somewhat 'alternative'. Like the ones that bury their placenta's in the garden or wizz them up in a blender to replenish themselves with nutrients lost in childbirth.
What are you trying to gain by having your children view not only the birth of their sibling but of you in childbirth? It isn't a pretty sight for anyone let alone a child. It's not going to create a stronger bond. They are just kids! You don't need to try and be earth mother of the year!
'