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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 07/02/2021 20:50

Unless he’s the one getting naked and squeezing a watermelon out his ass he doesn’t get an opinion.

I’m really very pregnant and I would not want an unrelated child spectating. I don’t want my own daughter there!

TheSparkleJar · 07/02/2021 20:50

Not by not wanting your dsd there, but by not having her whilst having your own daughters there.

1 - They live there already.

2 - They don't enjoy making her uncomfortable. She's going to be at her most vulnerable, it's not a spectator sport. She wants to be with the people she's closest to. That that doesn't include her SDD seems to be the SDD's fault.

12frogsincoats · 07/02/2021 20:51

I think it's cruel of you to say you want your DDs to see the birth of their new sibling but not his DD. Unless it's another man's baby, it is just as much your DSD's sibling as your DDs'.

I think it should be all 3 or none of them.

CakeByTheSea · 07/02/2021 20:51

@namechange7567785544

I can guarantee if it was your DP pushing a baby out of his nether regions he sure as hell wouldn't be happy with you inviting a random family member of yours round whilst he's doing so.
But it’s not a random member of his family, it’s the new baby’s half sibling, the same relationship that OP’s daughter is to the new baby and the same age as OP’s daughter. Good luck OP, hope you get the birth you want and that all half siblings feel included in a way that you all feel ok with
SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/02/2021 20:51

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen

YANBU Your body. Your birth Flowers
He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there

Fuck that!

As you say - if he takes that attitude, he can bugger off!

minniemango · 07/02/2021 20:52

@Youseethethingis

If you have 3 DDs there and only invite two in, leaving 1 out, that’s a bit shit OPs 3rd DD is invited because she’s the one who will be coming out of OPs vagina.
Ok, a step dd and two dds - three girls in the family then.

From the 10 yo girl’s view it’s still a pretty harsh rejection “when my stepmother gave birth to my sibling at home, my dad took my stepsister and sister in to witness the birth and I was told to wait in my room”.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 20:53

@Whyyyyyythough

You can have whoever you want there obviously but it seems rather shitty to create a clear division between the girls
Confused

like the OP's being the mother of one of the child but not the other? The step-daughter has her own mother! Why the need to make a big deal out of it? It's a simple fact.

I can't imagine any mother being impressed by the new wife inviting the children to her birth either frankly.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/02/2021 20:53

I wouldn't have any children there. Why can't the 11 year old watch the 2 year old for half an hour in front of the TV with some snacks? You sound a bit self centred. It's clearly not in an 11 year olds interests to watch mum giving birth, in reality it is not going to seem amazing and peaceful to them, it will look horrific even if you don't show any signs of pain.
And I also think it's unfair to make a distinction between the of them. Just have a rule of no children. Your dsd can come a week later if all is going well.

MessAllOver · 07/02/2021 20:54

YANBU.

But honestly... In your shoes, I would take myself off to the local birth centre by myself where I could just focus on me and leave the whole bloody lot of them to sort themselves out.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 20:54

He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there
What an absolute arshole.

He can treat his own children equally, as he should. He doesn't get to impose to his new wife to put up with them in times when she needs privacy.

BlowDryRat · 07/02/2021 20:54

Did I read it right that you want to breastfeed your 10yo DD to help bring on labour?

This whole thing is weird Confused Your DDs don't want to be there. Your DSD is unlikely to want to be there either. You don't want her there (fine). Just say no kids until everyone's born and wrapped up!

Wiredforsound · 07/02/2021 20:54

Oh hell no. Your body your choice. If you want Mr Blobby and the London Philharmonic in there that’s your choice too and he gets no say in that unless someone shoves a watermelon up his arse while you’re giving birth.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/02/2021 20:54

Mind - I should have added that personally I wouldn't want any child at the birth if I could possible help it.

But you want to give your DD the opportunity and that's your choice.

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 20:55

I must have an empathy bypass too then as I think it’s going to create upset to invite one sibling and not the other, particularly when they are so close in age. The blank stare op referred to could be caused by lots of things but I am not going there.
I wouldn’t have any children in the room at all.

I hope it gets sorted and your Dh realises that this is one thing you should be able to control.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 20:55

@Youseethethingis thats just made me laugh my head off so thanks so much because I've been so stressed and tearful.

Thanks to everyone who's commented, including the one who called me exhausting- I definitely am at the moment! Just come down from putting DD2 to bed to find DH has gone out, I presume to stay in his mother's. So I'm going to run a bath and watch netflix with a wine glass of shloer and try my best not to stress. Thanks so much again, you've all helped me see where his attitude is coming from but also that I'm not out of order in wanting to give birth without an uninvited audience

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 20:55

From the 10 yo girl’s view it’s still a pretty harsh rejection “when my stepmother gave birth to my sibling at home, my dad took my stepsister and sister in to witness the birth and I was told to wait in my room”
In that case 10 year old is going to have to be told that this isn’t about her, this is about the woman giving birth. Not everything has to be sacrificed on the alter of children’s feelings and some things just shouldn’t even be up for discussion.

DemiBourbon · 07/02/2021 20:56

This.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 07/02/2021 20:56

I don't think it's fair on any child to have to be remotely involved or witness their mother's labour frankly.

With no childcare, the usual way is to leave the kids with their dad and go to hospital alone. Midwives tend to be much more caring when they are helping a lonely mother.

or get a doola or something.

Livelovebehappy · 07/02/2021 20:58

YABU. bizarre to want DCs so young at the birth. Things can go wrong, or not as planned. Absolutely no benefit having children at the birth.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 20:58

@BlowDryRat

Did I read it right that you want to breastfeed your 10yo DD to help bring on labour?

This whole thing is weird Confused Your DDs don't want to be there. Your DSD is unlikely to want to be there either. You don't want her there (fine). Just say no kids until everyone's born and wrapped up!

There is also a younger DD.
Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 20:58

@ShinyGreenElephant
Glad to be of help! Let me tell you about the time she ran downstairs to tell me she’d just seen Daddy’s “front bum banana”...
Yes, DSD used to have a pretty serious non-knocking problem...

Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/02/2021 20:59

If the plan is that your own dds will be hiding in their rooms til gore is over then honestly I don't see the harm in dsd being there. (And I say that as a step mum) she won't want to be there when the gore is happening same as your own elder dd. So why bot let her have the same family experience as the others? This baby will be as much a relation to her as your other 2

4Mongrels · 07/02/2021 20:59

It's up to you who you have there.

However, I do think if DSD is at the house it would be unkind and potentially damaging to allow both your children to be there whilst she has to remain elsewhere in the house.

I witnessed childbirth when I was 12. I found it traumatic and swore that in the unlikely event I ever had children it would be by caesarean. I didn't change my mind about having children until I was in my 30's (although this may have happened anyway) but I was terrified about giving birth. The idea of seeing a baby being born was lovely, but I had no idea of the reality.

minniemango · 07/02/2021 20:59

@Youseethethingis

From the 10 yo girl’s view it’s still a pretty harsh rejection “when my stepmother gave birth to my sibling at home, my dad took my stepsister and sister in to witness the birth and I was told to wait in my room” In that case 10 year old is going to have to be told that this isn’t about her, this is about the woman giving birth. Not everything has to be sacrificed on the alter of children’s feelings and some things just shouldn’t even be up for discussion.
Sure, but I had 3 older children when I had my 4th - I wouldn’t have picked one of them and said “you stay in your room, I want the others with me” even if technically it was my right to do so. I just think it’s quite cruel. Either don’t have the stepchild in the house at all. or treat all children in the house the same.
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 20:59

Just to add - dsds mum has no idea that I'm having a home birth or that there is any suggestion of dsd being there. She despises me and would absolutely hit the roof and probably take him back to court saying she was traumatised by being stuck upstairs for hours not allowed down or alternatively by coming down for a snack and getting a close up view of me shitting in the birth pool. The only sensible option is for us to stick to the original plan - she comes as soon as dd3 is here so she gets to meet her ASAP but isn't here for the main event. I know for a fact its what both dsd and her mum would prefer

OP posts:
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