Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/02/2021 20:16

Tell him I'm they case you'll arrange for a hospital birth and he can say home and look after the kids.

CoffeeRunner · 07/02/2021 20:17

I wouldn’t have any of the children there.

Am I right in thinking there are two older daughters aged 10 & 11 - one yours & one his? And then you have a 2 year old DD together?

I wouldn’t have your own daughters & pointedly exclude his. But then again, why would she want to be there? Simpler just to leave it to adults.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 20:17

Hi, thanks for replies. It wasn't prearranged contact, were having her for half term and were planning to have her for a week a few days after the baby was born, maybe 2 days after. She lives a long way away so its not as simple as just picking her up, its a full day round trip. Shes 10 and I dont dislike her at all, I love her, but shes not an easy child - she can be very rude and demanding, shes called me all kinds of names in the past and made up lies about me and she loves to report back to her mum if I do the tiniest thing she doesnt approve of. She has a blank stare that she does a lot, particularly to me, which i usually just brush off but I can just picture me trying to push a baby out and being glared at like that and it makes me feel ill.

I dont want to have to send my kids away, there's noone to have them due to covid which was the main point of a home birth and I've been so excited to have them there. Dd11 has made it clear she will stay in her room until the placenta has been disposed of because its gross and awkward, but I want her to have the choice to come down if she changes her mind because it would mean a lot to me to have her there. Dh has shown zero interest in having either of his kids there, this is a brand new idea tonight he's just come up with and decided not to consult me.

OP posts:
Keratinsmooth · 07/02/2021 20:17

Don’t have any children there when you are in labour and in extreme pain. You will lose your shit, in every sense. It’s not a spectator sport. Bringing in siblings once baby arrives is a beautiful idea however. Good luck

maybemove · 07/02/2021 20:18

I do understand him asking, if her 2 sisters were there to see the new baby being born and she wasn’t, he perhaps wanted her to feel involved and not the odd one out. But the moment you said no he should have respected that and not argued with you about it at all, it’s 100% your choice.
What age is sdd?
Best of luck with the birth.

Santaiscovidfree · 07/02/2021 20:18

No is a complete sentence..
Practice in front of a mirror.

namechange7567785544 · 07/02/2021 20:19

I can guarantee if it was your DP pushing a baby out of his nether regions he sure as hell wouldn't be happy with you inviting a random family member of yours round whilst he's doing so.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 20:21

I’d only consider agreeing to this if he first is naked and going for a 12 hour long shit in front of an audience of your choosing.

Childbirth is not a spectators sport. The only people who should be there are those medically taking care of the mother and baby/babies and those the mother chooses to support her through it emotionally. Everyone else can bugger off. Honestly though I really wouldn’t want to have watched my stepmum give birth to my step siblings and I’m pretty sure the feeling would be mutual.

Bluetonic41 · 07/02/2021 20:23

Am furious for you, of course yanbu. However I would be very reluctant to have your own children there as well. Who knows what may happen, it may just be a bit of screaming and poo but what happens if something went wrong? PPH? You could scar them for life.

Tamingofthehamster · 07/02/2021 20:23

I voted YABU. Not by not wanting your dsd there, but by not having her whilst having your own daughters there.

Worriedhomemover · 07/02/2021 20:23

I think the point here is you’ve said yourself she wouldn’t want to be. This is literally the last thing any step child wants to see! As it doesn’t sound like you are close. Maybe your DH needs reminding of this. Does she live close by? Perhaps he could go to collect her straight after.

Saying that, I’m not sure I’d want my own child there seeing me in that kind of pain. It could be quite frightening.

bloodyhairy · 07/02/2021 20:23

If she's not going to want to be in the room anyway, then where's the issue Hmm
You sound exhausting, but I wish you the best with your new arrival.

partyatthepalace · 07/02/2021 20:26

Dear God, of course it’s entirely up to you.

Perhaps he’s realised he’s done something really stupid and is being an arse out of embarrassment??

I would possibly consider giving him a wide birth tonight, so you can cool down and just be icily clear with him tomorrow.

Sparechange · 07/02/2021 20:27

This might not be totally relevant but I had an elective c-section, complete with months of fighting with consults to get one, because of pretty severe tokophobia after my mother thought it would be lovely for us to have the option of hearing and seeing my youngest sibling being born...

3JsMa · 07/02/2021 20:27

After reading your update,I feel so sorry for the stress you are facing right now.He has no right to put you under such pressure right now when you should be calmly preparing for the birth.
He has no right to put you in such a difficult situation.

Honeydukesmum · 07/02/2021 20:28

I would also check how many people ok to be there at the birth. Our homebirth service are ace but have asked to keep to one person in the birthing space whilst covid situation there x

funinthesun19 · 07/02/2021 20:29

I voted YABU. Not by not wanting your dsd there, but by not having her whilst having your own daughters there.

She’s the one giving birth and her daughter is her daughter. Completely different relationship and bond to what she has with her stepdaughter.
It’s like when a woman wants her mum with her but doesn’t want her MIL with her. It’s kind of the same thing really.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 20:29

I have to say I agree with others- my children are a similar age to your own and I wouldn’t want them near me if I was giving birth. It would probably be quite frightening for them and on a selfish level I’d want to focus my attention on myself and the baby without having to worry about what I was doing and how it would negatively effect my children.

partyatthepalace · 07/02/2021 20:30

@Hallomi

I understand the idea being behind your DH wanting his daughter to be there, I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling. He should have spoken to you first though.

I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme, I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD ?

@Hallomi

What?! Being in the birthing room isn’t ‘being involved with a sibling’ it’s an extremely intimate experience limited to partners and anyone else the mother might want to have there.

And no it does not indicate a difficult relationship with a step daughter. I love my stepdaughter more than life itself, but not on your life would I let her into the birthing room with me.

Catch yourself on

AtLeastPretendToCare · 07/02/2021 20:31

Sounds like he is treating this like say a holiday to Florida where it would be unfair to exclude a step child. Of course YSNBU.

Thatwentbadly · 07/02/2021 20:31

@ShinyGreenElephant

Hi, thanks for replies. It wasn't prearranged contact, were having her for half term and were planning to have her for a week a few days after the baby was born, maybe 2 days after. She lives a long way away so its not as simple as just picking her up, its a full day round trip. Shes 10 and I dont dislike her at all, I love her, but shes not an easy child - she can be very rude and demanding, shes called me all kinds of names in the past and made up lies about me and she loves to report back to her mum if I do the tiniest thing she doesnt approve of. She has a blank stare that she does a lot, particularly to me, which i usually just brush off but I can just picture me trying to push a baby out and being glared at like that and it makes me feel ill.

I dont want to have to send my kids away, there's noone to have them due to covid which was the main point of a home birth and I've been so excited to have them there. Dd11 has made it clear she will stay in her room until the placenta has been disposed of because its gross and awkward, but I want her to have the choice to come down if she changes her mind because it would mean a lot to me to have her there. Dh has shown zero interest in having either of his kids there, this is a brand new idea tonight he's just come up with and decided not to consult me.

I wouldn’t be inviting her along when the baby is 2 days old. Remember the day 3 to 5 hormone crash. Maybe wait until the baby is a week old.
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 20:32

Sorry dont think I was very clear - I'm not expecting either of my kids to be in the room for the vast majority of my labour. Very much hoping theyre asleep and just wake up to a new sibling. Theyre staying in the house due to lack of childcare - my mum will have them only in an absolute emergency. If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs. Due to a lack of any other childcare, DD2 if awake will probably have to come in for the actual moment of birth with DH otherwise he will miss it. Id like DD11 to come in at that moment too as I love the idea of them both seeing their sisters birth. Its not a case of wanting to leave DSD out at all and I guarantee she will NOT want to be there - even my own DD said no way and made sick noises! It's about DHs total lack of respect for my feelings at the one single time I should be his absolute top priority.

OP posts:
DenisetheMenace · 07/02/2021 20:32

Is home birth your own wish?

YardleyX · 07/02/2021 20:32

This is so silly.

No kids in the room. At all.

Thank you. Goodbye.

PlinkPlink · 07/02/2021 20:32

I had a home birth.

Before I had DD (2nd DC), I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

If you don't fell comfortable. If you feel scared or tense, your birth will most likely not progress as fast. It could even go backwards (yes, its a thing in terms of dilation).

You may need more pain relief because your hormones and body are not working together. Any stress produces adrenaline and adrenaline is the hormone you want to decrease as much as possible during childbirth.

Tell your DH he can get to fuck. You need to birth in peace and comfort. It will be less painful and will progress quicker.