Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

I can't imagine anything more gross as a teen as being there in person watching any woman give birth. Also possibly hearing it would be bad enough!!!

Naked step mum or mum in birthing pool - erm no thanks!

I think it is normal for you to not want that. But at the same time, I can see this from his POV. It's very difficult as a step-child to be treated differently, as if the house and family is not quite your own. It would be difficult to have one sister seemingly take precedence over another. This is something that a child would absolutely take not of and feel deeply, and likely never say a word.

My solution, if I was not willing to have the SD there, would be to not have either child there. You say your daughter won't be interested anyway, but it won't hurt her to be told that it is something you'd rather do on your own, she is old enough to accept privacy as an valid reason.

So I'd send both girls elsewhere during the birth and have them both come to see the baby after. Anything else and it will feel to the step-daughter that she's been excluded.

Am I the only one secretly hoping that DD3 isn’t ‘D’H’s?

Its your body so its your decision. When you give birth its such an intimate experience and if you don't want your DSD there than that's perfectly reasonable! Giving birth is not a little family get together, it's literally giving birth to a child. I sure as hell wouldn't want my step children there whilst i had everything on show literally giving birth! Your DH is being completely selfish and unreasonable! I would complete flip out as well if i was you OP!

tell him you will have no onlookers at all.
just you and the midwife in the room.
the way it used to be.
like when i was born.
it is v important that you are calm and relaxed and not bothered by any extraneous matters.
he is being ridiculous. was he like this when your other children were born. just ignore him as much as possible.
don't let him disturb your equilibrium.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff

No uterus, no opinion I’m afraid for me.

How old is your SD?

No just OP's Uterus is the important one. The children don't get an opinion on if they should be allowed only an opinion on if they want to be there once OP has invited them.

@HTH1

Am I the only one secretly hoping that DD3 isn’t ‘D’H’s?

Your body, your choice. I’m not surprised that you are furious with him.

The only person whose opinion matters in this is your own, nobody else’s.

Oh Christ I wasn’t saying because the other DC are female they get the choice!

I meant because he’s a man he gets no say

Obviously it’s completely your decision. However, look at it from both girls POV. This baby is their half sibling, an equal relationship. They’re almost the same age. They are step sisters. If you choose to have your dd there over your dsd you’re creating division between them. You’re saying your dd is more important to the baby that your dsd.
Personally, if you really don’t want her there, then I think your dd shouldn’t be there either. They can both stay in their rooms and come in to see their new sibling once it’s been born.

He's a twat if he thinks he can control who you decide to have in the room. Have just you and your daughter. He just had his pass revoked!

I do believe in your body your choice. Though maybe having your dds there puts dsd at a disadvantage and he is worried. Depends on their ages etc

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff

Oh Christ I wasn’t saying because the other DC are female they get the choice!

I meant because he’s a man he gets no say

Sorry..my bad

I am wondering if people would think it is ok for a mum to say one of her kids could be there, but not the other, if it wasn't a step child?

I'm all for saying have who you want - though the father in most cases should be included if he wants to be. But as a parent to other children, you also have responsibilities, and that includes step-kids, and not choosing one over the other.

If the girls were different ages it might be easier to justify one not being there, but as it is, they are the same age.

In pretty much all matters I say that a parent needs to treat a step child like their own child. But not here. Not in this. It is entirely up to you who is present when you give birth. Absolutely your choice.

Of course you get to decide, but, going against the grain here, I do think it's unfair to treat DSD differently.

Of course you haven't given us the massive drip feed back story or said how old she is which are factors, but in principle, I think it's unfair.

Personally though I wouldn't have any of them in. Plus what if something doesn't go well? And it would save the argument.

Your body your choice as PP's have said.

You choose if dsd should be there. But I wouldn't treat one sister differently from the other either, should be easy as you're fairly sure both won't want to be there and as PP said privacy is a valid and understandable reason.

The way dh articulated it is awful, and he should never have assumed dsd could come but I don't think he is wrong about treating them equally even though you would be more comfortable with your own dd there.

In your shoes op just say no dc at all. Or you are actually favouring your oldest over your youngest regardless of dsd.
You need to be focusing on your labour and new baby not how your dd will feel if she is there. If she gets upset you won't be much comfort in the throes of labour.

How would DH feel about your DD seeing him naked versus his own??

“I do think your reaction of wanting to curl up into a ball and cry and extreme, I can only assume there is a back story, and you don't particularly like DSD”

I particularly like lots of my own family, still wouldn’t want them there at birth though! Could happily have done without husband to but realised that would have been unreasonable.
Come to think of it, could happily have done without midwife in the room too, unless there was a problem. Some people value privacy more than others 🤷‍♀️

Imagine op had a bad labour /poo /swears etc. Likely dsd would be innocently telling her dm at the next opportunity..

I wouldn’t want any children there tbh, I’d be worrying about how it’s making them feel whilst I’m there crowning.
Your DH is being a tit though, and it’s 100% up to you who you have there.

I think adding an extra DC into the mix for a week when you're due to give birth is something to be discussed.

And mutually agreed on.