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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people think everyone should drive

999 replies

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 18:51

Tried several times in my 20s .My dyslexia means I find some aspects hard . I also have anxiety and driving made this worse .
My husband drives . He has always driven on holidays and days out .
It surprises me on here and in real life how shocked people are that I don’t drive . I just wondered why ?

OP posts:
Minty82 · 09/02/2021 18:49

It’s perfectly manageable though, even though we live in a village. The primary school is 10 mins walk away, and the secondary in the next village has a school bus that takes all the kids from here. I work in the small city 10 miles away - five minutes cycle to the station and ten mins on the train. There’s a bus every hour both into the city and to the market town five miles the other way. We get the big shop delivered or DH goes. I can take the kids to most things they need to get to on the bus or train, and otherwise we get taxis. Yes, DH would like it if we could share the driving on holidays etc but I sincerely hope he doesn’t have the seething resentment about it that some people seem to because there’s nothing I can do about it!

impossible · 09/02/2021 19:00

I have never learned to drive. Lived in London 28 years so no need for car, although my partner can drive. Dcs have grown up walking everywhere or taking public transport. I suppose if I needed a car I would have learned by now.

I do wonder though what will happen to cars in the future as where I live now many households have two cars but only enough kerb length in front of their houses to park one. As the non drivers die out and more two car households move in where will they park?

DanceLikeAdamAnt · 09/02/2021 19:04

@minty82 i took it 8 times
Im not pathetic either. If im pathetic for anything it's not asking myself sooner wtf am i doing this to myself??? I dont even need a car. It was just buckling to social pressure. What mak3s you an adult is knowing what works for you and knowing also that real people in real life arent this polarised.

MrsHusky · 09/02/2021 19:12

mum is a 'doesn't drive' person.

She CAN drive, owns a car..etc, but chooses not to, her car is there for emergencies should one of us kids not be available to help her out with things.. she's quite happy saving up trips out for days when one or the other of us is with her.

She doesn't like driving, hates the traffic, she only learned because dads job took him away from home for extended periods.

carolinesbaby · 09/02/2021 19:28

I live in a village, with three buses a day to the town I work in, no buses home after 4pm and no other bus route anywhere else. Yes the kids can walk to school, but If I was going to get public transport to work, the trip would take me well over an hour each way and cost me £14 a day in bus fares, and I'd have to leave work an hour before the end of my shift.
It's not even remote, really - I live in the Midlands around an hours drive from Birmingham! Not everyone lives in a place a short cycle ride or walk to a train station, not everyone lives in London. Most out of town bus services are seriously expensive.
Why can't we all just agree that some people need or want to drive, others don't, and let each other get on with their lives?

RandomUser18282 · 09/02/2021 19:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

thecatsthecats · 09/02/2021 19:49

My mum failed her test fifteen times and I'm glad of it. Technically she was fine, but she has various issues that would make her a terrible driver - lots of which derived from accidents she'd been passenger to.

Once when she was bickering with my dad in the car, she was only prevented from opening her door to jump out at forty mph because I leaned forwards and locked her door.

Another time she was worried about my dad's (perfectly safe) driving. She went for the handbrake, and my dad smacked her hand away. She complained to us about him hitting her, and we said we were bloody glad he did.

I'm surprised he allows her as a front seat passenger to be quite honest.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/02/2021 20:04

Goodness, thecatsthecats - I'm not convinced she should be allowed to travel in any car at all. I always assumed that child locks and windows that don't go down all the way in the back were to protect little kids - not somebody who's old enough to be the parent of somebody who's old enough to be posting on MN!

It's frightening, but there do seem to be quite a few people who genuinely believe that yanking on a handbrake will safely stop a car that's travelling at speed, when in reality, it's likely to cause significantly more danger than whatever the driver might (or might not) have been doing wrong.

Your Dad will have to swap his car for an official black taxi, with the divider between the driver and passengers in the back and doors that are automatically locked whenever the car is moving - they might even be able to make him a bespoke one with an additional divider between the two front seats Grin

rosetylersbiggun · 09/02/2021 20:06

Handsoffstrikesagain I didn't mean that you'd been nasty, I'm sorry. I was just conflating the various posts that have been nasty or judgemental with the general attitude that not having a car prevents you from "being independent" or unable to do things, when the number of things non-drivers can't access is small and not especially appealing.

I mean, looking at my own life, I can't imagine not living in London. Living in London gives me access to the most amazing array of opportunities, both career/work opportunities and the freedom to more or less do whatever I want whenever I want. I can jump on a plane on the spur of the moment (London City Airport is 15 mins away, Gatwick and Heathrow an easy train/tube journey) and be anywhere in the world a few hours later. I can make a spur of the moment decision to go to a museum late, stage play, West End show, opera, without having to leave work early and faff with congestion charges or worry about getting stuck in a traffic jam, or not being able to find a parking space, or not getting home till 1am and being exhausted for work the next morning.

I don't know what a tip run is (my ignorance) but it can't be more desirable than the vast array of opportunities and independence that living in London gives me.

But.... I'd never dream of saying "but how can anyone possibly not live in London, you're missing out on so much, you just don't know what opportunities you're missing, clearly you're just not an adventurous or ambitious person" because obviously zillions of people would either hate living in London, wouldn't be able to do their jobs here, it just wouldn't work for their lifestyle, or they simply couldn't afford it.

I'm not small-minded enough to assume everyone wants/needs the opportunities my lifestyle requires, why can't drivers give non-drivers the same respect?

rosetylersbiggun · 09/02/2021 20:07

^^ Obv this very much refers to pre-C!!

Why can't we all just agree that some people need or want to drive, others don't, and let each other get on with their lives?

Exactly.

RandomUser18282 · 09/02/2021 20:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

rosetylersbiggun · 10/02/2021 00:32

Oh yeah I do know what that is, I did that a couple of times with my dad when I was a kid. Blush

I'm lucky, my building has a rubbish/recycling centre in the basement so I just chuck stuff there. (Though I used to live in what's ostensibly a posher part of London than where I live now where there were never fewer than three old fridges and mattresses dotting the streets, so I guess people adapt!)

Osirus · 10/02/2021 01:19

I can drive. I wouldn’t judge anyone who can’t, or doesn’t, for whatever reason. We all have the right to make our own choices - including the one not to give non-drivers a lift if you don’t want to!

I’d happily give anyone a lift. I bear no resentment against those without a licence. Going by this thread, I think I must be the only one!

ArcheryAnnie · 10/02/2021 01:24

@user1497207191

Surely the best places to live are those which have all the amenities in walking distance?

If everyone lived in such places, the over-crowding would be unbearable, house costs would rise due to demand, infrastructure would collapse, etc. It's far better to have people and amenities spaced out.

This user doesn't seem to understand how cities, or indeed towns, work.
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/02/2021 01:34

I have no expectation of others to drive or not (apart from the CFs who don't drive, bore on about their respect for the planet, but expect others to give them here, there and everywhere).

If you don't want to, don't.
If it bothers you and is affecting your ability to get out (lockdown aside Grin ) have you thought about learning to drive an automatic?

jennymac31 · 10/02/2021 02:10

I'm sure that friends and family find it strange that neither myself or DH drive, especially as we have 2 DC. DH's never taken a driving lesson and whilst I eventually passed my driving test when pregnant with DC1, I've not driven since. We're very fortunate that we live somewhere with good transport (SW England). I used to think that we would need a car as the kids get older but 8 years on we still don't need one. This may change in future but we'll have to see.

Snuggleworm · 10/02/2021 10:07

rosetylersbiggun Could not have put it better myself.
Pure snobbery and judgement.

PotDaffodil · 10/02/2021 10:48

Why can't we all just agree that some people need or want to drive, others don't, and let each other get on with their lives?

Because it’s a public domain issue, not just a private choice.

This country stinks of car fumes - that by itself is a public issue - and the low air quality was raised by the EU several times. It has been proven to have detrimental health effects and was recently specifically linked to the death of a child.

I agree with you about the expense and inadequacy of public transport outside of London, but the correct response to that is to raise Merry hell with our inadequate laissez faire cultural and governmental attitudes, not whinge about privacy and the cult of the individual. This island is too small. So is the world - transport is one reason for climate change.

Maverickess · 10/02/2021 11:05

@Handsoffstrikesagain

rose a tip run is just taking your old junk to the local recycling and refuse depot, it’s definitely not exciting 😂 I was just curious about the practicalities for some non drivers.

I personally don’t care either way tbh and it is odd how wound up some people get, but I have seen that from both sides. There was an incredibly rude, smug non-driver poster this morning and yesterday another referred to all drivers as lazy. Certain posters from each side seem desperate to prove that their lifestyles and choices are best. They aren’t. No one is right and it’s daft for anyone to think that they are.

I think the incredibly rude and smug post from the non driver must have been me, regarding the snow.

Yes it was rude and yes it was smug, however my first post or two were balanced and not as such, explaining my personal experience with trying to learn to drive and how despite how hard I tried, how much money I spent, how several professionals that are qualified to say if I'm safe to be driving alone have said I'm not, and how at some point I had to stop and take stock and make a decision to actually accept that it's something I can't master, and make alternative arrangements, such as living somewhere with access to public transport, working somewhere the same. Arranging my life around it

  • as most people do when faced with an issue like that in their lives (as did other non drivers), still the superior and negative attitude towards non drivers, and the whole 'You're just kidding yourself" aspect. Feeling judged morally, like I'm somehow lacking in some kind of fundamental human characteristic that makes me inferior to those with a driving license. Then made to feel lacking and worthless for using public transport, a service provided specifically for getting people from a to b. Like so many other services that are out there to be used by people who want or need them. I'm not a plumber, should I feel like I'm lacking in some fundamental human characteristic because I call one to do what I can't when I need one?

I was reflecting the attitude being given out by some of the drivers on this thread to non drivers back at them. It wasn't liked, which strengthens my feelings that it's seemingly ok to be derogatory and bitchy towards non drivers, but not the other way around. Telling non drivers that they are limiting their options (like I don't already know!) That I'm entitled and expecting the slack to be picked up by others (bus drivers) and when I point out that actually, drivers do the same but in a different way (me being able to get to work to cover others who can't because they can't get their car out in the snow) it's unacceptable and I'm rude and unreasonable. I'm sorry but that's hypocritical.
As is saying that arranging your life (where you live, where you work, what things you can attend etc) around having a car is fine and normal, and independent, yet doing the same around not being able to drive is infantile and pathetic (the overall gist) and even though I'm the one living this, doing it day in and day out, actually I'm wrong, deluded and they don't 'buy' it.
It's the same thing, just coming from different aspects.

My comment to @SparklingBrook may have been out of order, regarding being unreasonable to not live somewhere that you can access public transport if you get snowed in so you can get to work, and for that I apologise.
In hindsight I could have explained what I was getting at better and without the sarcasm, however the point still stands.
If I'm entitled and unreasonable to not drive at all because of the effect this has on others, then not making contingency plans for when you can't drive, should be seen the same way.
Things that drivers take for granted, like not going to work because their local roads are unsafe is seemingly acceptable, relying on colleagues to cover because you can't get in is fine. Yet relying on a bus service is not acceptable for a non driver?
Arranging your life around being able to drive is acceptable, but saying you arrange your life around not being able to drive is not, because the other person can't see how they could do it in their particular circumstances, therefore it can't happen?

I have no beef with drivers, they have mastered a skill I can't, that's not their fault. But this utter insistence that not driving creates insurmountable issues is ridiculous. It doesn't, myself and quite a few others have said how it doesn't, how we arrange our lives as such and been summarily dismissed. And mocked.
When you reflect that back, to highlight how ridiculous it is, it becomes suddenly unreasonable and out of order. Double standards.

Like I said in a pp, 30 odd pages of mainly a derogatory and mocking attitude towards non drivers, and a pile on when a non driver turns the tables. That speaks absolute volumes.
Drivers are expecting to be respected because they arrange their lives around their personal circumstances (having a car) while being patronising towards non drivers who do the same. That's what I have challenged.

Maverickess · 10/02/2021 11:23

Oh, and in answer to the tip run question, there's 3 companies within a 10 miles radius of me (that are registered, the one I use at least) that have reasonable rates to remove things for you.
I usually get things like washing machines and fridges taken away to be recycled by Argos when I order the new one and have a clear out and get rid of a load of stuff when I have something that needs to go to the tip.
I have a pile in the garden now, that I'm adding to as I sort the garden out (snow notwithstanding! ) that will be removed when I've finished the clearing of it.
A driver may have looked up their local tip and the times and rules, then done the run themselves (will be at least 4 car loads when I've finished ) where I have looked up a local company that will do it and will arrange collection.
Neither is wrong, the final result is the same.

RandomUser18282 · 10/02/2021 11:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EBearhug · 10/02/2021 11:42

I usually get things like washing machines and fridges taken away to be recycled by Argos when I order the new one

So do I. I might have a car, but it's not a large one, and I am quite happy to let other people the heavy lifting.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 10/02/2021 11:52

I usually get things like washing machines and fridges taken away to be recycled by Argos when I order the new one

Bit of a non related to the thread question but how often do you change these😱 It sounds like quite often. Bad luck?

Maverickess · 10/02/2021 12:00

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I usually get things like washing machines and fridges taken away to be recycled by Argos when I order the new one

Bit of a non related to the thread question but how often do you change these😱 It sounds like quite often. Bad luck?

Kind of bad luck I suppose! I bought everything new about 10 years ago, they're all coming to the end now and engineers saying new rather than repair, so having a spate of replacing things in these couple of years. TV and washing machine last year, fridge just been replaced and the freezer is on palliative care as we speak 😂
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