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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH be my birthing partner

167 replies

toweltowel · 07/02/2021 12:57

Am due any day now and had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me.
If I go into labour right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than him being there with me and I would prefer to go it alone (no family or close enough friends nearby to ask instead).
We generally get on fine but some of the things he has said about me were really horrible and he has not apologised or shown any remorse.

AIBU to tell him I don't want him there?

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 07/02/2021 13:05

You’re both stressed and anxious, don’t make any decisions that you may wish you hadn’t. Due to present conditions I expect he can only be at the actual birth, so won’t get called in until you are just about to give birth, so you may change your mind. Give yourself time to cool off and look after yourself.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 07/02/2021 13:08

It's up to you, completely your choice but be wary of making a rash decision you might regret.

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2021 13:09

Completely your decision
Is he often like this?

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 13:11

It’s hard to say, OP. It could be a nasty row or it could be that he is abusive. But the bottom line is you can have whoever you want, or nobody.

SparklingLime · 07/02/2021 13:14

YANBU. The critical thing is that you feel safe and supported during labour.

Original poster
toweltowel · 07/02/2021 16:10

We had a huge row when I was about 3 months pregnant where he said similar horrible things, there was a lot of tension for a good few weeks but because of lockdown etc we moved on from it, nothing since then but everything he said then has been brought up again and more.
Every single thing I do has criticised, he hates the way I breath/talk/sleep/eat etc. This is our 2nd child and all he has done is speak negatively about how I was in the first birth and so far offered no encouragement or support. He has no empathy for anything really, I've already thought he might be on the spectrum.
I just feel like he will be rolling his eyes and thinking I'm dramatic if I'm screaming in labour and then he will use whatever I do and however I act in arguments against me later. Based on all the things he said to me I just feel like he doesn't love me anymore

OP posts:
TinyCake · 07/02/2021 16:12

If you don't want him there don't have him there

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/02/2021 16:13

You don't have to have him with you if you are not comfortable. I prefered to have my baby on my own with the midwife and was much happier. I didn't want spectators.
If he is liable to kick off under stress I wouldn't have him there.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2021 16:15

God, he sounds like a complete piece of shit. A nasty person only fit for crossing over the road away from. Nothing to do with ‘being on the spectrum’.

OP, bless you - find a different birthing partner. And then free yourself to look for another life partner.

Thedogscollar · 07/02/2021 16:47

Hi OP your situation sounds very stressful which is not good for labour.
To labour efficiently you need to feel relaxed and safe. It sounds like your husband is providing neither of this for you at the moment. A birthing partner is their to support you physically and mentally.
You can have any birthing partner you want it does not need to be your partner.
I am a midwife and if I am caring for a lady labouring on her own I am with her in that room 100% I'm sure your midwife will do the same.
Your relationship sounds very stressful though and I hope that you can move forward in a positive way.
Good luck for your labour/birth second baby's are usually quicker.

Doomsdayiscoming · 07/02/2021 16:48

Why are you having children with him?

PhatPhanny · 07/02/2021 16:54

Honestly, please don't let a fight take aeay one of the most magical moments in a dads life, you can never get that moment back

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 07/02/2021 16:56

If you dont think he'll be supportive and helpful then you dont need to have him there. Have a think about it so you know you're making your decision based on what you'll need/want then rather than after an argument.

He has no empathy for anything really, I've already thought he might be on the spectrum.
Please dont fall for or promote the stereotype that people with autism lack empathy. If your partner is being deliberately cruel, nasty or manipulative thats on him entirely.

Duckberg · 07/02/2021 16:56

@PhatPhanny

Honestly, please don't let a fight take aeay one of the most magical moments in a dads life, you can never get that moment back
Oh come on! Even if based on his behaviour last time he was a shit birth partner?

His experience of the birth is way fucking down this list of priorities here.

OrigamiOwl · 07/02/2021 17:01

@Doomsdayiscoming

Why are you having children with him?
I think as the OP is due to have the baby any day now this might be a moot point at this stage?!
Heyahun · 07/02/2021 17:03

I’d just wait and see tbh - when you go in to have the baby you will initially go in alone then they will call your partner in once they’ve established you’re in labour (this is what my hospital have told me is their policy at the moment)
You could always say actually no don’t go and get him! And you can always change your mind later and call him in

Also even if he is in the room with you and you decide you want him to go - the midwives will ask him to leave anyway.

He does sound horrible and unsupportive though so you may well be better off going on your own.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 07/02/2021 17:52

So he criticised the way you behaved in labour last time? What. The. Fuck.

He sounds completely unsupportive. You need to be relaxed and feel safe in labour; stress and tension can actually slow your labour down. He doesn't sound like he'll be useful. Leave him to watch your older child and you go to have the baby on your own. Once the dust has settled after the birth then consider if this is a relationship you want to continue.

user1471462428 · 07/02/2021 18:25

My friend is a midwife and enjoys taking of the mums who are alone. She says it tends be calmer and the team communicate better with fewer people there. I wish I had done this with my second child. Best of luck for the Labour

Garlicinyoursoul · 07/02/2021 18:29

YANBU if that is what you want, he sounds like a bit of a prick tbh.
I mean criticising how you breathe, and how you behaved whilst giving birth?! I’d have stopped him right there, and told him to GTFO for good.

Thehop · 07/02/2021 18:42

YANBU

give birth without him, my midwife friend tells me it’s a very calm environment and mums are well supported. He can look after child 1

Then work on leaving the arse

GappyValley · 07/02/2021 18:48

Honestly, please don't let a fight take aeay one of the most magical moments in a dads life, you can never get that moment back

Honestly please don’t let over sentimental people take away a potentially good birth by guilt tripping you into having an idiot in the room who will stress you out, which will possibly hold up your labour and cause a cascade of interventions

I’ve seen a MULTITUDE of posts on here from midwives who say that they will send the man out to the vending machine for a drink or snacks just so the woman gets so time away from him, and that’s normally when they deliver

Nasty men hold up labours because they make you too stressed to let labour continue
It’s natures way of stopping a baby being born into a dangerous situation

katy1213 · 07/02/2021 18:56

Based on his performance last time, I'm surprised you even considered having him around. (I'm even more surprised you considered having another child with him.)

PanamaPattie · 07/02/2021 19:00

"Honestly, please don't let a fight take away one of the most magical moments in a dads life, you can never get that moment back"

Magical moment my arse. His "magical moment" was probably the conception.

Spottyspottyladybird · 07/02/2021 19:03

It’s your decision, but I really wouldn’t take this away from him. I think it’s something you will both live to regret.

tinylittleyou · 07/02/2021 19:04

Why is there always someone who comes along and talks about ‘magical moment’

Can guarantee many men do NOT see it as a ‘magical moment’

The point of a birth partner is for the experience of the woman, not the other way round!

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