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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH be my birthing partner

167 replies

toweltowel · 07/02/2021 12:57

Am due any day now and had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me.
If I go into labour right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than him being there with me and I would prefer to go it alone (no family or close enough friends nearby to ask instead).
We generally get on fine but some of the things he has said about me were really horrible and he has not apologised or shown any remorse.

AIBU to tell him I don't want him there?

OP posts:
M0rT · 07/02/2021 19:12

Go it alone if he is criticising your last labour you will be tense in this one expecting criticism to come.
But don't think "being on the spectrum" would explain cruel behaviour.
I don't have autism but I know people with it and if anything they are too empathetic for their own good.

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 19:12

You need someone there to support you in birth, not to make you feel like you're doing it wrong! The fact that he leaves the room every time you come in is beyond childish, I just can't imagine. Being nasty and putting you down is not what you want during childbirth, don't let him ruin YOUR magical moment x

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/02/2021 19:13

If he brought up how you were acting last time and was criticising you for it then I think you shouldn't have him there.

I do think you will need to reconsider this relationship though. He has said the same nasty things a few months apart so it's a fair assumption that he actually means them and I don't know how you come back from that. And if you don't need or want him at the most vulnerable time of your life then I don't think there is much relationship left...how can you go back to normal after that?

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 19:17

I'd say that autism is more about not knowing how to express empathy, so if someone's upset an autistic person might not know how to handle it or what to do so could appear cold because they leave or do nothing or suggest practical solutions. A complete lack of empathy sounds more like narcissism. x

WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 19:18

Do what is best for you. You are the one giving birth, not him. I’m quite blown away by how he criticised how you were in Labour last time. It’s a tough and draining experience. How would he like you to “behave” this time? I’m being sarcastic there clearly as how you handle pain and discomfort is none of his business

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 19:20

@Spottyspottyladybird

It’s your decision, but I really wouldn’t take this away from him. I think it’s something you will both live to regret.
I doubt it, given that he's still going on about how OP was during the first birth, as she writes:

This is our 2nd child and all he has done is speak negatively about how I was in the first birth and so far offered no encouragement or support

And any dad in at the birth is primarily there to provide support and encouragement. If they can't provide that, they have no reason to be at the birth. It's not a spectator sport, it's about a woman in labour getting the support she needs in an environment as stress free as possible.

OP, this relationship sounds shit, if he's criticising you for how you acted during the last birth. You do what you need to do to get through. If you think he won't be supportive, then he doesn't get to be there.

And I think you need to be giving some serious consideration as to whether you stay in this relationship.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/02/2021 19:22

Every single thing I do has criticised, he hates the way I breath/talk/sleep/eat etc. This is our 2nd child and all he has done is speak negatively about how I was in the first birth and so far offered no encouragement or support. He has no empathy for anything really

I don't blame you at all for not wanting him as birth partner.

Imworthit · 07/02/2021 19:23

Magical moments in a daddy’s life 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Watching your wife scream in agony

ComDummings · 07/02/2021 19:24

If him being there will make you tense then of course don’t have him there. And don’t let anyone guilt trip you into having him there. It’s about you, your comfort, your safety, your calmness.

Mellonsprite · 07/02/2021 19:25

I was going to say don’t be hasty, but now I think if he can’t / won’t offer support there’s no point him being there.
He does sound nasty, and to be perfectly honest WTF would he know about being in labour to enable him to criticise you about your last time?

CakeIsEternal · 07/02/2021 19:27

And another woman posting about a terrible man and then admits that it's the 2nd kid.
First time round, I can understand. Maybe they dont show their true colours, but 2nd time around.... why? You know what he is like and how horrible he is and you're having a 2nd child. This happens over and over. It's so depressing.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2021 19:28

If you can, talk to the midwife about this in advance.

Can't you suggest he looks after the first child while you're in hospital?

He does sound bloody horrible, though. If you speak to the midwife they can help you make a decision.

MoiraNotRuby · 07/02/2021 19:28

He sounds awful. My advice is go and do it yourself without him. The midwife will care for you. And all of mumsnet is willing you on Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2021 19:29

Give birth alone but don't tell him until you go in to hospital- it will just be another fight which you don't need right now

AIMD · 07/02/2021 19:32

If you are more comfortable without him there then 100% do it alone.
I’m my opinion When you are giving birth the persons needs who should be prioritised are the mums (you know as the person pushing the baby out). Yea it’s nice for dads to be there but their wish to be there should never trump the mums needs.

Let’s me honest though, if he really was actually worried about being at the birth he wouldn’t have picked a fight right when you are due.

Do you think he might have picked a fight to get out being at the birth because he didn’t like it?

I’d find it hard to be with someone who was so unsupportive of me at such an important time...twice.

They do say abusers often increase their abuse around the time of big change such as having a new baby. Sounds like he might fit into this category (based on you saying he said some horrible things during the fight and previously).

VestaTilley · 07/02/2021 19:32

Based on your second post I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He sounds unkind and even cruel- you’re heavily pregnant, who speaks to their partner like this at all? Let alone in pregnancy?!

But if he’s not there at the birth that sounds pretty make or break. Do you have anywhere else safe you can go with your older child and new baby? Would your DH willingly leave the property?

His behaviour isn’t excusable or normal, even with the stress of an impending new arrival.

Caramelkoala1 · 07/02/2021 19:33

If he is being nasty and ignoring you is he suddenly going to stop once you go into labour? Seems like very childish behaviour, if he wanted this to be a magical experience wouldnt give you the silent treatment a few days before you were due. Sorry you have to deal with this op x

Porridgeoat · 07/02/2021 19:43

Where are your family and friends? Could you move in with one of them and use their local hospital

AintPageantMaterial · 07/02/2021 20:02

Might he have provoked or escalated the argument because he wants you to exclude him from the birth? It doesn’t sound as though he valued the experience last time.
I don’t think you should have him there. It is a deeply personal, vulnerable time.

SpilltheTea · 07/02/2021 20:22

No way would I want him anywhere near me. What a prick.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 07/02/2021 20:28

Pish tosh to the idea that childbirth is about magical moments for men. Pish. Fucking. Tosh. Childbirth is not about men. Apparently it still needs to be said.

Do whatever you need to do to get the least stressful and most positive birth experience possible for you and baby. If your husband is being a prick and you don't want him there, don't do it. And do not be guilted into it by pish fucking tosh about it being magical for men.

If you are unnecessarily stressed and miserable, it will be wretched and could make your relationship even worse. Worse than that, it could impact on your delivery outcomes.

Do whatever you want, whatever is best for you. Magical moment for men, indeed. Pish to the fucking tosh.

cordeliae · 07/02/2021 20:42

How dare he say shite like that
If you don't want him there absolutely do not have him there

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 07/02/2021 20:48

He has no empathy for anything really, I've already thought he might be on the spectrum.
Please dont fall for or promote the stereotype that people with autism lack empathy. If your partner is being deliberately cruel, nasty or manipulative thats on him entirely.

Agree with this. He’s a total cunt with no empathy but that doesn’t suggest being on the spectrum in any way whatsoever.

As for giving birth without him, I wouldn’t blame you at all if you sacked him off from that. But you definitely need to give serious thought to your future with him- years of misery ahead for you both and your children if he keeps behaving this way and you and him are having screaming rows.

LagunaBubbles · 07/02/2021 20:56

think as the OP is due to have the baby any day now this might be a moot point at this stage?!

I think its a very good point actually. So many stories on here of women having children with awful men in awful relationships and going on to have more children...another poor child being exposed to a toxic relationship growing up.

birdglasspen · 07/02/2021 21:00

Sounds like you'd be better off doing it without him? He isn't necessarily going to help you.

My first time I was so glad DH was there, second time I could have done it without him and felt more at ease. Not that he was nasty in any way but I think he just saw it as an exercise in self suffering and I should have taken the "easy" section offered to me.

Other than passing some water after each contraction (after being reminded each time!!) he was useless! Except for when baby was whisked to neonatal and I couldn't go.

My DH agrees he is not cut out for being a birthing partner, it doesn't make him a bad partner or a bad dad. It's not easy for him to see me in pain, he doesn't like the gory bits and also feels in the way of midwifes and consultants who know what they are doing.

Maybe have a chat with him about how he feels about doing it, maybe he's upset as he feels he can't do it very well? Saying that he doesn't sound very nice to make you feel so bad so close to birth (or anytime!)

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