To not let DH be my birthing partner

[toweltowel]

Am due any day now and had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me.
If I go into labour right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than him being there with me and I would prefer to go it alone (no family or close enough friends nearby to ask instead).
We generally get on fine but some of the things he has said about me were really horrible and he has not apologised or shown any remorse.

AIBU to tell him I don't want him there?

Oh no love - it doesn't work like that. If you express an opinion on here then you should expect to have it challenged and then justify it without making personal comments. Something you appear to be incapable of.

So please feel free to explain to me why the OP should have someone at the birth who shows her zero respect? Id be interested to know your OPINION

Why is a child birthday party different from giving birth?! Are you actually being for real right now?! Do you have kids???? I’m sorry, being in THE most intense pain you will ever be in your life, trying pushing a tiny human out your vagina and all of the other stuff that goes with it......yeah I would say my daughter’s birth was JUST like a fucking party.......NOT!!!! What a stupid thing to say

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

FFS you people cannot possibly be this cruel in real life - its two people's child, not one. He said some horrible things but he should still get to see his child born.

If you said some horrible things in a fit of rage to your spouse and they then told you you couldn't attend our child's birthday party, for example, we'd all be telling you it was unreasonable,. Why is this different?

Why do some people think men have a right to "see his child born"? Why do you think there should be men standing around watching? It's weird!

I just have images of pulling a birthday cake out of her vagina yelling surprise! 😂😂😂 totally the same.

In all seriousness I’m not even sure I’d want my partner there even tho he’s awesome. It’s not some punishment. It’s a horrific and stressful medical procedure & if he was next to me being all oooh this is wonderful I’d want to kill him. Much more so if he’s downright contemptuous.

For my parent's generation there would be no way the man would be present atthe birth. It would be his job to pace the corridors. It is relatively recent that fathers have been welcome at the birth as they have a role in supporting the mother.

Sorry, but this prick has deprived himself of the privilege

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

Ok I’ll do this like a school reading comprehension:

We can see op has little to no support from her husband and this is more than the Two whole times in your response to me. This is evidenced in ops posts when she says, Everything I do has criticised. She also elaborates that during this pregnancy, so far offered no encouragement or support and that, He has no empathy for anything.

This is not only a man, who op states hates the way I breath/talk/sleep etc, he is also a man, who even after apologising for his behaviour offers no love or support, He apologised earlier but there is still no love or support coming from him and she feels as if he doesn’t love me anymore.

I'm gobsmacked at the birthing process being compared to missing a party.

It's a medical procedure. No one has the right to oversee another persons medical care of they are not wanted.

He should be cutting you every bit of slack, being considerate and supportive, not making things all about him.

Some men can't stand themselves not being the focus of attention the whole time.

Don't feel forced into having him there if you think he'll sabotage the situation p. You better of having it as a solo experience.

I've no more advice to add, but the thread made me feel so sad for you.

I hope you're ok.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

FFS you people cannot possibly be this cruel in real life - its two people's child, not one. He said some horrible things but he should still get to see his child born.

If you said some horrible things in a fit of rage to your spouse and they then told you you couldn't attend our child's birthday party, for example, we'd all be telling you it was unreasonable,. Why is this different?

Nope. Labour is not like a birthday party and the purpose of it is not to give a man an experience. Did you not know that?

Until you know the difference between the painful, intimate and potentially very dangerous process of birthing a baby, that requires as much useful support for the mother as possible, and a fun party with cake and candles, you should really stay as far off parenting as possible.

What's cruel is forcing a labouring woman to have a worse experience by guilting her into having an audience that she doesn't need.

There was a time when people like you got a lot of support on here for talking that kind of rubbish. I'm so glad the tide seems to have turned. You are wrong, egregiously and dangerously and ignorantly so, and your ideas could even have adverse outcomes for mother and baby because extra stress and worry in the delivery room are not actually a good thing. Even if you think it's a party.

I actually wish we had never made men in the delivery room the norm. Fine if women want it, but it's become a default that women are now pressured to accept by people like you even when the thought makes them angry and upset.

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart - just a small aside; I'm the parent of a donor-conceived child and to be honest it does always rankle somewhat to see the term 'sperm donor' used dismissively in relation to fathers who aren't behaving well. It gets used on here like it's an insult, whereas really sperm donors are brilliant and doing something kind and generous.

The OP's partner, on the other hand, is clearly not brilliant, nor being kind. OP, given his comments to you I think it would be entirely reasonable not to have him at the birth. I gave birth alone (what with the whole sperm donor thing, and also I just didn't really want a birth partner) and it was a really good experience. I hope your birth goes smoothly.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

It's your husband's child too. You should respect him and and allow him to choose whether he wants to be at the birth
The baby is living inside her body, and therefore only she gets to chose. Nothing to do with her husband any more, his part was done long ago.

Any man invited to be present at the birth of a child needs to understand that this is an awesome and incredible privilege requiring their utmost holy respect. Any twat who doesn't get this has no business being allowed anywhere near a labour ward or delivery suite. You see it all the time on One Born Every Minute - useless men sitting around making jokes and trying to make it all about them. Fuck off!

@englishroseamongstirishthorns I'm astounded that anyone can think like you! This man has criticised how OP gave birth the first time. Can you imagine being in full labour and all the pain etc that entails, but being "careful" how you are, as you don't want to be criticised again over how you gave birth.

No, he doesn't deserve to be at the birth, he is not there to takes notes and criticise his partner later on about it.

I cannot believe that anyone would want someone that judgemental and awful at the birth of another baby.

It's an awful situation OP, I can't help but feel him being at the birth is going to actually help you.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

FFS you people cannot possibly be this cruel in real life - its two people's child, not one. He said some horrible things but he should still get to see his child born.

If you said some horrible things in a fit of rage to your spouse and they then told you you couldn't attend our child's birthday party, for example, we'd all be telling you it was unreasonable,. Why is this different?

Labour and delivery are not a birthday party, just in case you seriously don't know that.

Ridiculous analogy, and I would absolutely say everything I have said on here to your face.

Women are very vulnerable when giving birth, physically, medically and emotionally. It is very much the inner sanctum and twats are banned from it.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

If she doesnt like it, she doesnt have to be with him, but i dont see any reason to ban him from the birth of his child.

well, there's a very good reason. A woman in labour needs to feel as relaxed and safe as possible. Stress, fear, sadness, whatever, can seriously hinder labour to the point of requiring escalating medical interventions. Of course, that can happen anyway, labour is difficult and risky, but why would you place a woman in a situation where she isn't as comfortable as possible? And increase the risk to her and to her baby? Madness.

As other posters have pointed out, men routinely witnessing delivery is a recent thing. It's not a right.

He gave up his priviledge when he CHOSE to criticise her "performance" during her first labour. I mean, what the hell?! It's unfathomable. As well as CHOOSING to have an epic tantrum complete with personal attacks during her late pregnancy. He is fully responsible if OP chooses to labour without him.

Why oh why did we ever let men into the delivery suite is beyond me. I get that it is a child being born, but no way would I want my dh, ds, DD or any non medical person to view me half naked and taking a very painful dump. Giving birth is not far off that! Shows like "one born every minute" have also got a lot to answer for. It's misogyny at its finest. Poor women! I wouldn't want dh anywhere near me during childbirth (I'm medically trained and have 2 DC of my own so I know what it's like). This should not even be a debate. Sod that for a game of soldiers!

@MackenCheese choice is always taken away, back in the day women weren’t ‘allowed’ their husband there even if that’s what they really wanted. Then once they started letting men in it suddenly becomes the default, women feel like they have no choice but have the father there even if it makes them uncomfortable or even distressed. And there’s all this crap about ‘depriving’ them of an experience.

I don’t think allowing men is an issue in itself but I wish there was more acceptance that it isnt for everyone and that it was more of a norm for women to consider a range of birth partners when pregnant and for it to be perfectly usual that some have their mother or sister or friend instead or go it alone rather than that being an anomaly. It’s just so assumed from that start- I remember at my midwife appointment when we discussed the birth, it wasn’t even asked whether my DH would be my birth partner, just taken as a given in the conversation.

@PhatPhanny

Honestly, please don't let a fight take aeay one of the most magical moments in a dads life, you can never get that moment back

Maybe he needs to behave better then.

Hes hardly going to be supportive on this evidence

The only reason a man should be at the birth is if he is going to be a supportive, kind and useful birth partner. Its not a spectator sport

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

FFS you people cannot possibly be this cruel in real life - its two people's child, not one. He said some horrible things but he should still get to see his child born.

If you said some horrible things in a fit of rage to your spouse and they then told you you couldn't attend our child's birthday party, for example, we'd all be telling you it was unreasonable,. Why is this different?

I can't believe you wrote that piece of claptrap, let alone believe it!

He might have been there for the conception but that doesn't give him the right to be there at the birth.

He could make her labour very difficult.

If my husband (twice) criticised the way I gave birth the first time, there is no way he would be present for the second.

Respect? That works both ways. He isn’t showing any towards the mother of his children is he?

You have every right OP to not have him there if he's not going to be of help. Your birth is about YOU and what you need and want. Fucking fuck off to all the posters saying 'poor chap don't deny him his magical moment'

englishroseamongstirishthorns i can't imagine you're even genuine if you compare birth to a birthday party!

The fact he's treating OP like this when she's pregnant is awful. My exh left me 20 miles away from home in a city when I was pregnant and I had to get two buses home. We'd had a silly argument - I was admittedly hormonal as I'm not normally argumentative but who the fuck abandons a heavily pregnant woman I'm the height of summer!

Thankfully we split up a long time ago.

Yours are the only feelings that matter. You are giving birth. You get to choose. What works for you is what matters, not whether anyone else wants to be there. I cannot stand this idea that people have a right to watch you give birth, it is so absolutely ridiculous that it leaves me gaping.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

FFS you people cannot possibly be this cruel in real life - its two people's child, not one. He said some horrible things but he should still get to see his child born.

If you said some horrible things in a fit of rage to your spouse and they then told you you couldn't attend our child's birthday party, for example, we'd all be telling you it was unreasonable,. Why is this different?

Difference is the mum doesn't push a birthday party out of their vagina. If OP doesn't want him there she's allowed to say so. He doesn't automatically get a ring side set to some one else's medical procedure. Her body her choice.