To not let DH be my birthing partner

[toweltowel]

Am due any day now and had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me.
If I go into labour right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than him being there with me and I would prefer to go it alone (no family or close enough friends nearby to ask instead).
We generally get on fine but some of the things he has said about me were really horrible and he has not apologised or shown any remorse.

AIBU to tell him I don't want him there?

...she doesn’t seem to realise the real issue isn’t about whether he should be in the birthing room, it is about how he treats her and will undoubtedly treat her children.

Of course she does. But I were in OP's shoes I'd be focusing on putting one foot in front of the other just at the moment. She needs to get through the delivery and settle back home with her new baby. Deciding on the future of her relationship can wait. I'd guess she's got enough on her plate without deciding the fine detail of the next year or so.

Having the right bIrthing partner is so important, OP. DH, who was terrified of hospitals, was such a tower of strength during my long, difficult labour. I loved him even more for his courage and devotion to me and our baby.

Honestly, please don't let a fight take aeay one of the most magical moments in a dads life,

Being my birth partner left my DH needing trauma therapy. It isn't always a magical moment for dads.
(Everyone was fine in the end)

Being my birth partner left my DH needing trauma therapy. It isn't always a magical moment for dads

Mine was the same!

OP have you want with you, if that isn't your partner than so be it- he will have to deal with it!

Who you want*

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I am totally with you.
Maybe that’s because we aren’t raging misandrists unlike most on this thread seemingly.
I see men as equals in parenthood and no more ‘sperm donors’ than women as incubators.

[quote Helendee]@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I am totally with you.
Maybe that’s because we aren’t raging misandrists unlike most on this thread seemingly.
I see men as equals in parenthood and no more ‘sperm donors’ than women as incubators.[/quote]
Oh go and...do something I can't say here. It's not misandristic to insist that a labouring woman has the right to decide who she does and doesn't want to witness her giving birth. It is misogynistic to suggest otherwise. Egregiously, ignorantly and dangerously so. Even when...posters with overtly feminine and flowery names say so.

If you think watching labour is parenting, you don't know what parenting is. I'd be as worried about your ability to do that as I would be about your disregard for bodily autonomy and patient confidentiality.

Seriously, the crap we have to put up with. It's a risky process that involves pain, blood and quite possibly emptying your bowels. And you wantto decide for yourself who you would find to be a supportive presence because unnecessary stress will increase the risks of something going wrong, or of suffering birth trauma. And if you decide you'd like anyone other than your partner (who in your case has proved himself wholly unworthy, to say the least), you're a MAN HATER who sees men as SPERM DONORS. But the flowery Helens and English roses who would try to pressure you into a bad experience to please the men, they're not seeing you as an incubator at all! Oh no!

You're not listening to these people, are you, OP? Please don't. Patient confidentiality and bodily autonomy, and you as a human with the right to decide who will be a SUPPORTIVE PRESENCE, do in fact remain a thing no matter what nonsense accusations get thrown at you. The only purpose of labour is to produce a healthy baby from a healthy mother. Do not allow yourself to be bullied by any bullshit about misandry and sperm donors and birthday parties and whatever the fuck else they've been saying. Do whatever will produce the safest, calmest and most positive environment for YOU. Some things aren't about what men want and childbirth happens to be one of them. Christ on crutches.

[quote Helendee]@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I am totally with you.
Maybe that’s because we aren’t raging misandrists unlike most on this thread seemingly.
I see men as equals in parenthood and no more ‘sperm donors’ than women as incubators.[/quote]
Equality in parenthood is by the by. Op is talking about when she gives birth and clearly, due to biology, that but isn’t ‘equal’.

You say you don’t treat women as incubators but suggesting that a woman doesn’t have a right to decide who is with her when she gives birth suggest you do. If you saw women as more than purely incubators you’d recognise their rights over their birth choices.

When a woman is giving birth (with her private parts on show, in pain, pooing and all that comes with it) then it’s absolutely her right that she gets to choose who is with her for support and who isn’t!

[quote Helendee]@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I am totally with you.
Maybe that’s because we aren’t raging misandrists unlike most on this thread seemingly.
I see men as equals in parenthood and no more ‘sperm donors’ than women as incubators.[/quote]
Equals in parenthood, sure.
Equals in childbirth? GTFO.

To repeat a PP:
Fathers attending births are there as birthing partners and their role is to support the mother, not to have a 'magical moment'.

If they can't support the mother they shouldn't be there.

Yes I totally think fathers should have the same rights as mothers.
I’m not commenting on this particular post, we have only heard the OP’s side of what happened but it’s depressingly unsurprising how many posters are jumping down the throats of fathers and reducing them to the role of unimportant sperm donors of little future use to their child.

If men want to demand a magical moment they can fuck off to Disneyland and buy one. Childbirth is not a ticketed spectator sport.

It's something of a social contract in this case: don't be a thundercunt and you're totally, completely allowed in the delivery room. Sadly OPs husband was a twat so it's Bye Felicia to him, if that's what the OP wants. He's used a previous labour as a stick to beat OP ffs, that's horrendous.

As an aside, I think it's important to note the negative impact of feeling uncomfortable or scared during birth. Having someone there who has been abusive in the past could actually cause physical problems during the birth and mental problems afterwards.

I have absolutely no idea if my father was at my birth..have never asked. My children have also never shown any interest about their own births ...I have occasionally mentioned their births on their birthday but they are so not interested!

@Helendee

Yes I totally think fathers should have the same rights as mothers. I’m not commenting on this particular post, we have only heard the OP’s side of what happened but it’s depressingly unsurprising how many posters are jumping down the throats of fathers and reducing them to the role of unimportant sperm donors of little future use to their child.

Disingenuous in the extreme. Pretending not to realise that equal parental rights are not comparable to one sex being the one to endure labour and all it involves, and the resulting right to patient confidentiality and support, for health reasons if nothing else. Equal parenting has nothing to do with providing a labouring woman with the most supportive and positive environment possible.

You know this, of course. But for whatever reasons, you can't bear the idea of childbirth not centring men, so you conflate these two totally distinct and different concepts. And you bring up utterly irrelevant stuff about sperm donors and equal rights to try (very unsuccessfully) to make it look like you're being noble and equal minded, rather than misogynistic and ignorant.

We see you, er, Helen. (We most likely saw you earlier too.) That "I'm just looking out for equality" rubbish isn't fooling anyone. Childbirth is about keeping mother and baby safe and protecting mother's wellbeing to that end as much as possible. It's not about centring men. Get over it.

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

It's your husband's child too. You should respect him and and allow him to choose whether he wants to be at the birth.

Fuck that.

@bloodyhairy

I just wouldn't fancy having to explain to my child - who presumably was conceived with love 9 months before - why his or her father hadn't been at the birth. It's a decision with far-reaching consequences that shouldn't be made in anger or haste. And people shouldn't be jumping on the bandwagon. The OP is vulnerable and hormonal right now. Let her come to a decision when she is feeling calm.

You do know that men being at the birth is recent? And sometimes isn't possible.

I don't think it traumatises the child.

[quote Helendee]@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I am totally with you.
Maybe that’s because we aren’t raging misandrists unlike most on this thread seemingly.
I see men as equals in parenthood and no more ‘sperm donors’ than women as incubators.[/quote]
That is absolute nonsense.

They are (or should be) equal in parenthood.

They are not equal at the birth.

@Helendee

Yes I totally think fathers should have the same rights as mothers. I’m not commenting on this particular post, we have only heard the OP’s side of what happened but it’s depressingly unsurprising how many posters are jumping down the throats of fathers and reducing them to the role of unimportant sperm donors of little future use to their child.

No matter what? No matter how they treat the mother? Whether they're the nicest bloke on the planet or an abuser?

No. Many cultures don't allow men anywhere near and I'm beginning to think in some cases they have a point.

Dad's are equal parents but giving birth is something that only women do.
It is a female activity, a potentially dangerous, painful, exhausting and astonishing one.
There is only one body involved and the person who owns that body should be only person who gets to decide who if anyone is there in the audience.

I had all 4 alone. 1st he missed due to the hospital sending him home and ignoring me. All the rest he was looking after the kids. Best thing for me. I did it alone. I was calm and coped so well. We don't need men if you don't want it. The midwives keep things calm. Men never used to be in the delivery room. Of course it is up to the women. But I think most women would do better with a female birthing partner or just midwives. But it really depends on the man's personality! And if he can advocate for his partner well.

ive seen a MULTITUDE of posts on here from midwives who say that they will send the man out to the vending machine for a drink or snacks just so the woman gets so time away from him, and that’s normally when they deliver

this seems...unlikely

I gave birth to my dc3 alone and it was lovely. The midwives are fantastic and so supportive. Honestly, having no birthing partner is better than having a bad one. And although I was "alone" I never felt it. Best of luck op and congratulations x

Do let me get this straight there are actually some people who think that even if the father of the child is abusive he still has a right to be at the birth! I don't think so sunshine, this is so wrong its unbelievable, the mother needs to feel safe and be able to relax ( as much as you can in labor) ic she has someone who is making her feel uneasy, scared or self conscious this is not good for her or baby.
Childbirth is not a magical experience for the father, seeing your partner in extreme pain is not magical and if you think so you need help.
Meeting their child for this first time yes magical but this does not need to occur seconds after they emerge

I'm still not over this pathetic claim that it's actually MISANDRISTIC for men not to be centred in sodding CHILDBIRTH. I mean, trying to conflate it with EQUAL PARENTING is laughable enough and shows that person has no idea what actually raising a child is. But this idea that it's an act of actual hatred towards men for a woman to decide for herself who witnesses her labour and all that involves because the important thing is that she feels as safe and supported as possible... fuck me sideways. That's weapon level bullshit, that is.

Based on what you have said I wouldn't have him there.

To give you my own experience. I felt the same about my husband at the time of the birth of dc3. He was critical, unloving and just gave a give of not having my back.

Guess what, he didn't. Turns out he was having an affair with a work colleague.

I wish I could turn back time and not having him there as the birth of my lovely baby is now forever tainted by his presence. He shouldn't have been there, dads don't have an automatic right to be there at their child's birth. If the idea of his presence stresses you out then follow your instincts.

I agree that no birth partner is better than a bad one. If he wanted to be there so badly he could have treated his pregnant wife with love, kindness and respect instead of being nasty to her and criticising how she behaved during her last childbirth.

For what it's worth my father wasn't at my birth and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. It hasn't affected our relationship at all.