Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH be my birthing partner

167 replies

toweltowel · 07/02/2021 12:57

Am due any day now and had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me.
If I go into labour right now, I couldn't think of anything worse than him being there with me and I would prefer to go it alone (no family or close enough friends nearby to ask instead).
We generally get on fine but some of the things he has said about me were really horrible and he has not apologised or shown any remorse.

AIBU to tell him I don't want him there?

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 16:53

Unless he is abusive, that would be a really bad decision indeed.

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 16:58

@bloodyhairy

Unless he is abusive, that would be a really bad decision indeed.
Insisting that you watch someone give birth whilst knowing they would prefer you don't would be pretty damn abusive
bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 17:05

I just wouldn't fancy having to explain to my child - who presumably was conceived with love 9 months before - why his or her father hadn't been at the birth.
It's a decision with far-reaching consequences that shouldn't be made in anger or haste.
And people shouldn't be jumping on the bandwagon. The OP is vulnerable and hormonal right now. Let her come to a decision when she is feeling calm.

Regularsizedrudy · 08/02/2021 17:17

Sounds like a great environment to bring a baby into

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:19

@bloodyhairy

I just wouldn't fancy having to explain to my child - who presumably was conceived with love 9 months before - why his or her father hadn't been at the birth. It's a decision with far-reaching consequences that shouldn't be made in anger or haste. And people shouldn't be jumping on the bandwagon. The OP is vulnerable and hormonal right now. Let her come to a decision when she is feeling calm.
Oh give me a break. I can't think of a single adult who would give a shit and even if they did, it's still the mother's decision.

It's pathetic to try to jump on "but what about the CHILD" because people have made it clear you can't guilt them about the father. The child will not remember and will not care. If they feel neglected by adulthood, it won't be because Dad wasn't in the delivery room. Don't make me laugh

The only far reaching consequences of this are the chances of birth trauma because the mother was pressured to have an audience she didn't want because of bullshit reasons.

It'll be too difficult to explain to the adult child, my fat arse. Do me a lemon.

Persipan · 08/02/2021 17:19

I just wouldn't fancy having to explain to my child - who presumably was conceived with love 9 months before - why his or her father hadn't been at the birth.
Are children heavily invested in knowing who was present at their birth? I only know that my dad was there when I was born because there's a reference to it in a congratulatory letter my aunt sent my mum, that I still have. It's not been, like, something that comes up in conversation particularly.

bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 17:19

If I felt that I didn't want my partner at the birth of our child, then I wouldn't be with him full-stop.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:23

@bloodyhairy

If I felt that I didn't want my partner at the birth of our child, then I wouldn't be with him full-stop.
So you do you. Why do all other women have to feel the same as you?
sonjadog · 08/02/2021 17:25

I have no idea if my father was at my birth or not. Probably not, considering the time in which I was born. I can't imagine it would have any affect on a child when growing up where their father was when they were born. It must be right there towards the bottom of the list of things that will affect a child as they grow up.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:27

My father was at my birth. I don't remember and I don't give a shit.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 08/02/2021 17:29

Hello,
I'm having a c-section on Wednesday and my mum is my birth partner this time round, purely because with my first my 'D'P was an unsympathetic prick. I will not have him ruin the experience for me again. Its you who has to go through it, it's you who decides who will be with you.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:29

Are children heavily invested in knowing who was present at their birth?

Of course not, but some people are heavily invested in guilt tripping and pressuring pregnant women into making labour all about men. When "but what about the MAN'S EXPERIENCE" doesn't hit the guilt buttons, you've got to try something else. It gets a bit ridiculous.

bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 17:34

It's just bizarre to me that you would have kids with someone that you dislike so much as to ban them from the birth.
And to be honest, the birth is the least of their worries. What about life after?
I can see that I'm very much in the minority though, so will leave you all to it!
Good luck OP.

Cloudybeanie · 08/02/2021 17:35

Sounds petty to me to be honest. If you can't bare to have him in the room when giving birth, what on earth is it going to be like raising the child together. The fact it's number 2 as well, the mind boggles.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:43

@bloodyhairy

It's just bizarre to me that you would have kids with someone that you dislike so much as to ban them from the birth. And to be honest, the birth is the least of their worries. What about life after? I can see that I'm very much in the minority though, so will leave you all to it! Good luck OP.
Well it's bizarre to me that you should try to pressure women into having a negative birth experience because it will apparently impact the CHILD so much.

And now it's "the birth is the least of their worries. What about life after?"? So you're now contradicting your previous assertion that the birth is this big huge thing and Dad has to be there or else Dire Consequences?

It's fine that you can't understand why some women feel differently to you. You just have to accept that they do and nobody has a right to be in the delivery room; it's entirely about what's going to be helpful for the mother.

I'm sure that's not too bizarre for you. If it is...tough. It's the truth.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 17:50

@Cloudybeanie

Sounds petty to me to be honest. If you can't bare to have him in the room when giving birth, what on earth is it going to be like raising the child together. The fact it's number 2 as well, the mind boggles.
So OP, you're hormonal, you're mean to the father, your child will never forgive you and now you're petty. Labour is such a piddling little thing, after all!

I really hope you're not listening to any of this crap. He was an arse about the first time, and even if he wasn't, that's not the point. Labour is intense, dangerous, intimate and private. Unnecessary stress in the form of unwanted spectators whose presence won't help you will increase the risks and potentially cause serious problems.

Don't listen to them. You are not irrational, petty, cruel or any of the other risible insults being thrown at you to pressure you into this. Do whatever is going to be most helpful for you.

I had a traumatic birth and the idea that I should have done anything to make it even worse because it would just be so mean to a MAN, or it would make me a BAD MOTHER TO THE CHILD, almost leaves me speechless (as you can see, though, it doesn't). It would be funny if it wasn't so serious. Don't listen to it. It's emotional blackmail and utter shash.

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 17:58

If you can't bare to have him in the room when giving birth, what on earth is it going to be like raising the child together

What is it with the hard of thinking on this thread today? Are some of you under the impression you can only raise a child if you have watched it emerge into the world?

It would be a lot easier to raise a child with someone who had the intelligence and sensitivity to prioritise the person giving birth than with some selfish bag of shit who felt birth was a spectator sport and their preference to watch mattered more than the wishes of the person risking their life and wellbeing, that's for sure.

MintyMabel · 08/02/2021 17:58

I can’t believe so many are suggesting he may be a great birthing partner, he’s shown he is a terrible partner.

The question isn’t whether he should be the delivery partner, it’s whether he should be a partner at all.

I couldn’t stay with someone who was deliberately cruel to me.

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 18:02

had an explosive row with DH over something petty last night, it has carried on today and he is being cruel and ignoring me and leaving the room every-time I walk in, we had another row this morning where he said some unbelievably nasty things to me

That is the current situation for the OP. That is the man some of you insist must be allowed to be OP's birthing partner. That is what you think OP's source of support as she gives birth should be. Some of you are fucking idiots.

Cloudybeanie · 08/02/2021 18:02

What is it with the hard of thinking on this thread today? Are some of you under the impression you can only raise a child if you have watched it emerge into the world?

No, the father sounds like an arse, if you can't bare to have him at the birth (reasonable, because he sounds like an arse), it's the thought of what it's going to be like raising a child with said arse.

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 18:02

@Cloudybeanie

What is it with the hard of thinking on this thread today? Are some of you under the impression you can only raise a child if you have watched it emerge into the world?

No, the father sounds like an arse, if you can't bare to have him at the birth (reasonable, because he sounds like an arse), it's the thought of what it's going to be like raising a child with said arse.

And that is helpful to OP right now.... how?
Cloudybeanie · 08/02/2021 18:08

How is anything strangers say on the internet on an anon forum particularly useful to OP?

LangClegsInSpace · 08/02/2021 18:16

People who should be at the birth:

The mother
Midwives
Other medical staff (as necessary)
Birthing partner (optional)

That's it. Fathers attending births are there as birthing partners and their role is to support the mother, not to have a 'magical moment'.

If they can't support the mother they shouldn't be there. Even if they can do that, they shouldn't be there if the mother would feel more comfortable with a different birthing partner or with no birthing partner.

Birthday parties FFS!

MintyMabel · 08/02/2021 18:34

And that is helpful to OP right now.... how?

Because she doesn’t seem to realise the real issue isn’t about whether he should be in the birthing room, it is about how he treats her and will undoubtedly treat her children. Saying cruel things to your partner is not acceptable under any circumstances. Doing it whenever you lose your temper is unforgivable.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 08/02/2021 18:44

@Cloudybeanie

How is anything strangers say on the internet on an anon forum particularly useful to OP?
Well if one of us can convince her that she's got the perfect right to decide who she wants or doesn't want in the delivery room with her, and she's not being cruel, selfish, petty or anything else like some others would have her believe, it's been worth it. I truly cannot believe some of you people. How dare you?

The only reason for anyone to be in the room is to make it easier and better for the mother. It's not a spectator sport, it's not a birthday party, it's not a fucking experience for a man. It's the process of birthing a child and the only thing that matters is that the mother is as safe and happy as possible, because that's the safest environment for her and the child. Nothing else matters.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.