Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

I don’t have a step child, nor teenagers so can’t really help. But please tell me you’re not cleaning up after her! That bedroom sounds disgusting.

Not normal at all and I'm shocked your partner allows her to treat you and your home - and him like this. She's almost an adult and some new boundaries need to be drawn so she starts acting like one.

Him shouting at you is out if order totally uncalled for

Whose house is it?

Used sanpro attracts flies that needs to be cleaned up if she doesn't do it he should

It is not normal and you are not BU. Used sanitary towels on the floor? That is awful, unhygienic and quite frankly disrespectful. Who cleans her room when she’s left? I sincerely hope it’s not you.
Fairly normal teenage behaviour to be in their rooms most of the time, especially now but I insist on meals downstairs. They can take drinks to their room.
Your husband really needs to be in your side on this. The fact he won’t take any notice of you means you also have DH problem. And if he treats you with no respect neither will she.

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

The house is mine and DH’s. We’re married.

I have tried to talk to him on many occasions but he won’t talk about it, just becomes immediately defensive.

Is the classic line I'm afraid: you have a DH problem.
Dsd is far too old to be behaving like this. Used sanitary towels lying around?? Vile. No excuse for that.
She's deliberately leaving it to you to clean up.
She's also too old for rudeness. She doesn't have to be your best friend but everyone should be treated with courtesy in their own home.
Your DH is enabling her at your expense and must think very little of you to shout at you.
He's a poor parent and a poor husband.

Leave it for him to clean.
I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I am so disrespected.
Your DH is a twat.

You’ve definitely got a DH problem.

What do you want the outcome to be?

If she was told by your DH to speak to you, to spend more time downstairs, would you relax more? Would knowing she was doing it under duress actually make the situation more pleasant?

Or is it purely the cleaning and you want her bedroom tidied before she goes?

When you raise it with your DH what is it you’re asking him to do?

Make your DH clean the room. He will either do that and let her get away with being messy or he will discipline her to clean herself.

I think I have both a DH and DSD problem. She has to be accountable at 17? It’s not solely his problem?

He would clean up but probably wouldn’t think about it for a couple of days, by which time I’d have driven myself nuts. I do it for my own sanity. Plus I couldn’t imagine how bad it would smell if I left it.

The whispering and not talking really gets to me. Like they have their own secret society that I’m excluded from. It feels very bad, but I’ve read step parenting threads and I’m not sure if this is normal?

You have to stop cleaning her room. That's disgusting and she should be sorting it, not you. She is old enough to clean her own sanitary products away

Spending lots of time in her room and barely communicating is fairly common as is the messiness (my DD's put things in bins but fail to empty it). One of my DD's never instigates conversations with dp, but to be honest she barely does with me, it's getting blood out of a stone (she is autistic and has serious mental health issues which adds to the problem). As a contrast my other dd does talk to him but she is so different (and for lockdown we have the difficult one!)

It's tricky because most of what you say yabu but she crosses the line in my opinion. I would not expect her to wash sheets etc but I would suggest asking her to take them off and put them on the landing with anything else she's leaving at yours for washing, and giving her a bin and bin liner, asking her to tie it up and leave on the landing - both are quite reasonable to expect older teens to do even as guests

@Dundee67890

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

He needs to do it. That way he might understand at least about this part and have a word with her.

Teenage behaviour sounds fairly normal to an extent.

But there’s two main issues here - one that she treats you with contempt in your own home. Not speaking to you, refusing to pick up her sanitary products - knowing full well that you will and whispering and stopping when you enter a room etc.
She’s old enough to know that she’s acting like a cow. She’s not a child now and whilst someone (her dad) should pull her up on her behaviour she is also old enough to know what is generally nice or not nice behaviour towArds another person.

The main issue is your DH though. If after 10 years he won’t give you any consideration in your home then it isn’t going to change now.

Step mums often find they are expected to accept any shitty behaviour thrown their way. They are expected to be treAted with contempt and disrespectful behaviour in their own home and never utter a word.

Your DH is the worst kind, he has clearly raised a thoughtless disgusting entitled little human who is incapable of even picking up her dirty tampons yet it is YOU who is unreasonable.

If I were you I’d leave. He has shown you no respect and no consideration. If this is an example of what’s happening when she’s almost an adult then I can only guess what shit you’ve been subjected to for 10 years.

MKe your plans and leave them to it.

She should be held accountable but it's your DH who should hold her to that account. No whispering and a clean room are basics that should be expected and if she can't do that your DH should be making sure the room is to an acceptable standard.

I asked him when she was younger to talk to her about respect and manners. Respecting other people who are not mum and dad. She’s pretty disrespectful to her grandparents too. He said he didn’t need to.

I’ve asked him to talk to her about whispering. To be fair he did put a stop to it for a short time, but it’s back again.

I don’t want her to have to talk to me under duress, but in fairness to me, I cook, clean and talk to her when I don’t really want to, so the least she could do is try to be a
Little sociable.

I wouldn’t be having this bin my home. No no no.

She’s deliberately doing all of this and dh is allowing and encouraging it by not insisting that you are treated civilly, or expecting a young woman to clean up after herself

1st things first, dh cleans the room, preparing it for her and somehow you make sure she knows that she’s not getting you to clean up after her. Either h cleans it, or you simply leave it as it is. Let her live like that.

The whispers - call it out. “I’m not being ignored in my home, I’m not being treated like this by you dh or by you sdd, it stops now.”

Then use the weekend time to care for yourself- exclusively- let dh reap what he’s sown. Don’t cook for either of them, don’t lift a finger.

You work hard - way too hard to be treated like this.

H needs to know, he either has your back in this marriage or he needs to understand that you’re not going to put up with it.

Be strong!

When gets back from dropping her home today, ask him to go into her room and clean it. Don’t wait for him to think of it, says it needs doing before you are both back to work tomorrow. Get him to do this every time she stays. He’ll get sick of it after week two, and tell her to do it.

What happens at meal times? Who cooks, and where does she eat?

Yes, leave. Your life and happiness is too important to put up with brig treated like this.

Serious DH problem.

X post.

If he’s not doing anything about this, he’s part of the problem

She’s old enough for a bollocking from you and he’s just as much to blame. So FLIP!

Enough is enough.

What an awful father, seriously

And I would definitely clean the room. But there’d be very little left in it!

Leave the room for him to clear up.
Is there any chance that she will go off to Uni ?

Don't clean up her room
Stop cooking for them
They should be looking after you at weekend if they had any decency