Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

No, not normal. But I think it’s very easy to start feeling resentful as a step parent. Often the dynamic is you do a lot and get very little back.

Step mother 14 years now, the eldest was 11 when I got together with their dad.

I very quickly stepped back from clean8ng, cooking or shopping for them.

They’ve got a mum and dad. I get on with the kids but I don’t skivvy.

If they left dishes unwashed their dad sorted it, I ignored their room# and their dad sorted it.

Relationship improved all round once I stopped being so bloody annoyed at them.

I would leave the room and stop cooking for them and tell your hubby to order take out when she’s there and then leave them to it. They are both very selfish.

Tell your husband that you are sick of being disrespected in your own home and that from now on you’re a nice hotel every other weekend as you need the rest. Tell him you’ll be back once she’s gone and her room is tidy. Make the situation his problem. Once he has to do all the cooking and cleaning for her all weekend he’ll soon wise up. The whispering and slights are effectively bullying behaviours designed to exclude you and won’t have the same impact if you’re not there to put up with it.

In your situation I would explain food needs to be eaten downstairs not her room. Also that her room needs to be clean and tidy before she leaves, ask her to strip any linen put in the wash, empty her bin, open the windows, quick hoover round. If she doesn’t do it then your husband needs to clean the room not you. Step parent or not she should respect your house.

Just stop doing anything for her. There is no way In hell I would do anything for someone who whispered and stopped talking when I entered a room.

Being messy and lazy might be normal, but having your parents clean up after you at that age isn't normal.

@justilou1

As for her comments about the pill, there are two possible reasons for this... One is to get a rise out of her dad by implying that she’s sexually active. (Their relationship is fucking weird, let’s face it. I think she has biiiiig Daddy-issues.) The other is to try and establish whether or not you are trying to conceive a rival to her affections with Daddy. This girl is quite sick, tbh... I suspect she will have a future of highly unstable romantic relationships

What absolute bollocks. The pill is nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. Nobody would bat an eyelid if she left a packet of aspirin on the side in the kitchen or bathroom. It’s probably there because she’s clearly lazy and untidy and she just put it down in the place where she took it.

However, I agree with others about the mess in her bedroom - just leave it for her when she comes back.

What about discussing the problem with her mother? Is she like this at home as well?

@Dundee67890

No uni, she’s not interested.

Unfortunately we’re stuck in a rut where I do the big shop on a Saturday morning and buy the dinners for the weekend. I also do all the cooking.

I sound like a doormat which I’m really not, DH does 50/50 most of the time, he cooks after work most evenings.

Everything just changes, the whole dynamics when she’s here.

It’s not just a DH problem surely? She’s a young woman. I know he’s part of the problem and accept that. Mumsnet comments such as ‘you’ve got a DH problem’ are not particularly constructive. Sorry not meaning to be ungrateful.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.

We have a decent marriage in all other ways.

I don't know OP, you may have a decent marriage but I'd find it hard to respect someone who allowed himself, myself and our home to be treated like this. What I can never understand about these doormat Dad types and their princesses is this....do they really want to raise their children to treat ANYONE like this, take the step parent or even parent dynamic out of it. Although I might not necessarily get the same in return, I come down like a ton of bricks on mine if they are disrespectful to their Dad (my ex) in front of me. Not necessarily because I'm so fond of him or even because he's their Dad but because he is another human being deserving of basic manners and respect. Of course one has to take cognisance of stages of development etc but whispering at 17? Come on, how low is the bar. What are these men teaching their daughters about how to treat others? Presumably they want to go out into the world as decent, pleasant people with manners and awareness of the feelings of others.

I wonder if the way she behaves/lack of cleanliness is a reflection on her DM's way of living. I think as difficult as it would be I would have to speak to them both together, and have the whole thing out. Life is too short, and the girl needs to learn respect. How could she leave sanitary towels around, knowing that her DF might see them. If talking does not work, then a family relationship counsellor might be the next step. It's very tricky with these situations, good luck OP. It would also drive me mad, my own kids never kept their rooms as I would like, and I used to go in and clean.

Stop cleaning her room
Ffs
I visited my dad every weekend
I had a blow up bed on the lounge floor ,and I was grateful.
Leave her used san pro for her to come back the following week .
For as long as you do it ,she will let you

It’s exactly like this in my home, except there’s three DSDs ganging up on me and the oldest is 20. Wish they’d get a life.

And I thought it was bad that my dsd just leaves her sanitary products wrappers on the floor. I don't pick them up. I leave them for her dad. I'm sorry you are having this upset. I think I'm where you were about 5 years ago, we've just moved in. I've just taken myself back up to the bedroom because I'm not coping very well this weekend...

Your whole dynamic will change when she’s there ,it’s another person in your house.
If she is there every weekend ,I’d be doing a rota where ,everyone cooks ,cleans ,washes up ,hoovers ...split everything 3 ways ...she’s not a child visiting any more she’s an adult ,who should do her share

Re the bedroom, you don’t want to do it, you can’t get her to do it and you don’t want to ask him to do it.

I’m not sure what you’re left with apart from none of you do it and see what happens.

Messiness, surliness and staying in their room is a teenage problem but not to the extent you have to deal with. It call it a day. What are you getting out of this relationship.

She usually leaves her room on a Sunday to get breakfast when I go out for a run. She’s back in her room by the time I get back. She’ll avoid me at all costs. My run time varies from 9-12 but she only leaves the room when I’m gone.

How about giving your run a miss one Sunday, and see how long it takes for hunger to drive her out?

@Dundee67890

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

So you stop this and walk him in there after she’s gone home and have him do it

Leaving contraception lying around isn't all that normal. That and the sanpro suggests something is going on around her identity as an adult.

If it wasn't for Covid I'd agree with the suggestion of leaving them to it for a few weekends, so that he can't just leave you to absorb whatever is going on.

Try to detach OP. She’s almost at “peak teenager” in terms of behaviour. My own DD was exactly the same - moody, room a tip including the period stuff.
As others have said, I wouldn’t be cleaning her room either. I know it’s probably hard for you, but once her stay is over, just close the bedroom door and ignore.
If it’s any consolation, once the teenage years are over, hopefully her attitude will change.

I didn't get through all of the posts as the lack of awareness of the challenges some people face with communicating with others, plus the hostility towards DSD was upsetting.

This behaviour isn't normal but this doesn't automatically mean this is wrong. I experience selective mutism. Like your DSD I grew up in a house where relationships with others were not normal e.g my dad was a shouty man. plus my mum had grown up in an abusive household and didn't understand healthy relationships and were hostile to others (like the step-mum has been to you). Consequently, I experienced great fear in talking to others and would often sit and whisper to my sister as due to this anxiety I unable to speak to others in the room, especially when spoken to directly. Hence the term selective mute as I could speak to my sister freely but struggled with others.

It sounds like your DSD is really struggling. She may be leaving the sanitary pads in her room as she's unsure of how to dispose of them in your house and is afraid to ask so leaving them in her room (her safe space) seems like the logical thing to do.

Could you be the loving, accepting and stable person she needs in her life? This wouldn't be a quick fix and change is likely to only occur if baby steps are taken.

Obviously, everyone is different but if she struggles with verbal communication could you use written communication instead. Such as leaving her a note highlighting how you've noticed she seem anxious when you enter a room but you love her dearly and want to change things and build a relationship?

You really have to make it clear to your DH that if he things there is nothing wrong with what his daughter is doing, he can clean up her room and must do it as soon as he comes back from dropping her off. If you have to keep pushing him and tell him you won't be doing anything else for him till he's done it, so be it. He'll only decide that, actually, there is something wrong when it becomes a nuisance to him.

When she's whispering to her father, remind him every time in her presence that he agreed it wasn't acceptable.

Stop cleaning her room!

10 years you have been going in there after her and cleaning - and zero has changed! Nothing has improved. Nothing.

I get it’s a grim cesspit, but she arrives every week to a lovely clean room. How is she learning any lesson?? She knows you will always pick up after her.

So don’t.

Close the door and leave it.

Let her arrive next weekend to find it how she left it. I bet she will get the shock of her life.

Even in my relationship,and we are both the parents ,he is so much softer than me ,they get away with everything with him ...he just wants a quiet life ..I can imagine my life would be hell if I was their step mum .as it’s always me on them to put shoes away ,tidy up after themselves.
Sometimes I think my life would be easier without him
And he is their dad ,and I’m their mum ,but he still makes it bloody hard .
I think some men just do want a quiet life ..so the shouting at you ,will be to get you to accept it and shut up ,not mention it again.
It’s definitely hard ,x

She sounds like she’s got some very bizarre issues going on here, is she acting like she’s in competition with you? I hate to say it but it really does sound like a weird daddy issue type thing going on here.

Personally I’d stop bothering with her, I won’t clean her room and there’s no way I’d pick up her used sanpro that’s utterly rancid, no more cooking for her, no more letting her exclude you or whisper behind her hand with her deliberate contempt of you.

I’d ask her straight up ‘what are you whispering about?’ I’d give it the ‘why do you stop talking when I enter the room SD are you always this rude’ she’s clearly relying on your silence to get away with this nonsense especially as she’s clearly got her useless dad wrapped around her finger.

And to be blunt I would seriously reconsider staying with a man who is actively allowing you to be treated with such contempt in your own home every week.

Really, stop cleaning her room. Keep the door to her room closed and just close your mind to the state of it. If you think there is a smell coming from her room, place a diffuser outsider her room somewhere in the landing to mask it. Just pretend the room is a tennis ball and throw it over your shoulder, repeating not my problem.

Tell your DH that the from needs to be cleaned after her visit and leave it at that. Either he cleans it or his DD can. She’s leaving it in a mess to get at you, refuse to play her game.

With cooking, either don’t cook when she’s in the house or cook food you enjoy and not her favourites. Don’t tidy up after her while she’s in the house.

Basically, just go about your day as best you can while she’s there but don’t engage with her. All the better if she stays in her room, you can have the living room to yourself.