Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

I can see how it looks, that I’ve chosen this situation and allowed it to continue to this level.

It’s rarely that straightforward. I’ve posted on here for years about my situation under different names. Never have I received such support. So thank you. Usually I’m blamed for being a selfish step mum who wants to push her out. This isn’t the case at all.

It started with small events/issues that he said I was making up or blowing out of proportion. The comments on MN seemed to support his argument. I backed off and blamed myself. The events became more, I backed off more. If I raised it with him, he became angry, I backed off even more. Blamed myself. Until here we are. I seem to be receiving support, it’s not my fault.

It’s never so simple to up and leave is it? I have some of my own savings but not enough to start all over again. I can’t imagine he’d be cooperative.

Hopefully it'll get easier after lockdown and as she gets older and more independent.

One thing I'll add is could your DSD or DH cook EOW? Just so that you don't feel you're cooking for someone unappreciative.

Good luck. You're right it's never simple and it's very easy to say 'just leave'. But not very helpful.

I would continue to not clean for her. And I'd focus if you're able on how he's not doing her any favours. Allowing these behaviours is not good preparation for the workplace and other relationships. He's letting her down. (And you)

OP I feel really bad for you and especially that you didn't get maybe quite the support here that might have made a difference and allowed you to nip this in the bud earlier. And now you are where you are. On a wider point and maybe no help to you now, but I think your case demonstrates the importance of spotting and addressing underlying patterns and dynamics relatively early on before they have a chance to become completely embedded. Clearly, the pattern here, and it didn't start yesterday was that Daddy's little girl is a princess, she is not to be challenged but indulged and appeased, that adults in the house exist in service to her. Now it really would be shock to her if your husband turned around tried to shift that dynamic whereas if this had been done firmly and gently all along - for her benefit in her development as a decent and not selfish human being apart from anything else - then you'd be in a very different scenario. Every chance she'd still try it on and not be mad about you or anything but well within the realm of normal teenage-adult relationship. It also demonstrates the importance of having core principles that we stick to - like everyone in this house is respected, that we clean up after ourselves according to our age and ability, no whispering, etc. Sorry, I know maybe things have gone too far in your case to row back - though maybe if confronted with the end of his marriage or your deep unhappiness things might shift - but I think there is an important lesson here for us all, myself included as I am in the early stages of a relationship with someone with children and I can see certain things that give me pause.

It definitely isn't so simple as to up and leave and there are no easy answers here. But surely there is room for even 20% improvement whereby you could live with it and compartmentalise it to an extent. If the very worse edges of her behaviour - and crucially, his attitude to it - could be knocked off maybe this will be just the one thing in an otherwise fine relationship that annoyed you but that you could manage

I'm writing as a SD who hates her SM, really hated her for years. From reading your thread the situation was very similar to yours.

Was I messy: yes. Was I disrespectful in the sense that I avoided talking to her as much as possible: yes. Did I have hygiene issues: yes.

The reality is that I was quite a confused kid. My mum was great in many ways but as a career woman with some emotional issues, she probably didn't give me the attention I needed.
I lived my dad but feared my SM whose mood I found so unpredictable. I didn't really understand the rationale behind her numerous 'rules' which my mum AND dad didn't seem to be bothered with. In my mind, she was very upright and particular about things as opposed to my parents who were very much more relaxed about everything.

She was always picking me up in things and I knew she was constantly trying to my dad to 'have stalk with me' except that I knew my dad thought she was upright too, so often didn't rent bothered.

I grew up to feel that she hated me. She didn't but she always appeared cross with me and that was enough for me to want to avoid her as much as possible.

With this I also grew up with very low self-esteem and emotionally confused. My poor hygiene was the direct expression if my own self-loathing. The more she picked up in it, the more I hated myself, the more I let myself go.

What saved us all was me moving to Uni. I rented a room with family who welcome ne with open arms. They focused on the positives and didn't make a big deal of the negatives. I felt loved and cared for and that made me trust their input. Suddenly I went from frumpy to blooming. My hygiene became perfect and I took pride in my room.

In the meantime, my SM faced many issues with her own daughter, 6 years younger. The child who she thought was perfect. No issues with hygiene but with stealing, running away, lying and she realised how much she'd taken for granted how studious, reliable and mature I was.

To cut the story short, we got closer when my dad had an affair. Her daughter blamed her, as did her friends and only I listened to her and told her my dad was in the wrong. Who would have thought!

We are now as close as can be. I don't love her and I still struggle with her moods, but I respect her and can enjoy spending time with her. I can appreciate her qualities. I now know she never hated me, she cared and thought she was helping. She and I are much closer than she is with her daughter.
My hygiene is normal and I take pride in my home. I have faced the frustrations of raising 3 messy kids, one as bad if not worse than your SD! Now much better he's got his own place.

Not judging you or your situation, just giving one story that seems to have quite in common with you.

OP,
I hear what you have written.

But this doesn't have to be your life.
With a dismissive angry man.

Play the long game.
Get some money together.
You can instigate divorce and force the sale of the house.

Get legal advice to clarify things.
See where you stand.

Tjis doesn't have to be your life.
See where you stand.
Take back control.

If you want to divorce him and sell the family home, that is your right.
You don't need permission to divorce.

You can have a better life.

@dontdisturbmenow Great contribution and demonstrates doesn't it that these things are complex and that our views can change over time and with maturity. I think the common thread, if I may say so, is that the parents here are not stepping up as they should leaving the step-mum in the role of 'bad cop' even if the things she is looking for are really pretty reasonable and to the step-daughters benefit too. I am glad you have that relationship now with your step-mum, it sounds as if she was basically well-motivated but with poor communication skills and her own issues too.

@dontdisturbmenow thank you very much for the post from ‘the other side’. It’s very interesting.

I don’t doubt she has low self esteem, I can’t imagine she wants to do the things she does and I do expect she would much prefer to just spend the weekend with her dad and without me. That’s usually how it works outside of lockdown, we all keep ourselves busy in our own ways and things aren’t so bad. Lockdown has made everything very much harder. The hygiene issue is always there though.

Like millions of others I’m hoping we come out of lockdown soon and can safely go back to normal. I don’t know if the damage that has been done to my family unit due to this enforced time together is repairable it’s opened my eyes to a husband who is unable to see two people need understanding and caring for.

[quote Dundee67890]@dontdisturbmenow thank you very much for the post from ‘the other side’. It’s very interesting.

I don’t doubt she has low self esteem, I can’t imagine she wants to do the things she does and I do expect she would much prefer to just spend the weekend with her dad and without me. That’s usually how it works outside of lockdown, we all keep ourselves busy in our own ways and things aren’t so bad. Lockdown has made everything very much harder. The hygiene issue is always there though.

Like millions of others I’m hoping we come out of lockdown soon and can safely go back to normal. I don’t know if the damage that has been done to my family unit due to this enforced time together is repairable it’s opened my eyes to a husband who is unable to see two people need understanding and caring for.[/quote]
Your last line gets to the nub of it. What is so frustrating is that is just doesn't have to be this way, an either/or situation. It is entirely possible here for your husband to be both a good husband and father. At the moment he is being neither, his attitude towards his daughter is bad for her as well as bad for you. It would be easier to understand his stance if what he was doing was genuinely in her best interests long term but it isn't. He is demonstrating a very superficial understanding of what being a loving parent/father actually involves, it is caring enough to have the difficult conversations, to challenge poor behaviour, to risk them disliking and even rejecting you. Lots of people don't have the courage or maybe care enough to do the hard thing.

Indeed, ultimately all this can be managed by being able to spend quality time outside and away.

The hygiene is unlikely to get better until she has an incentive to take care of herself. I assume she doesn't have a boyfriend?

As for your OH, if he is like my dad, then I can assure you it is hard for him too. He is probably very aware of his daughter low self-esteem and uneasiness and as any parent, is hurt to see her like this feeling helpless.

He probably also feel sadness that you can't be a happy unit and that you are unhappy with the situation. He probably feels stuck in that whatever he actions to make you happier will upset his daughter and vice versa. He is probably always trying to compromise yet seeing that nothing he does makes things better.

@dontdisturbmenow

Indeed, ultimately all this can be managed by being able to spend quality time outside and away.

The hygiene is unlikely to get better until she has an incentive to take care of herself. I assume she doesn't have a boyfriend?

As for your OH, if he is like my dad, then I can assure you it is hard for him too. He is probably very aware of his daughter low self-esteem and uneasiness and as any parent, is hurt to see her like this feeling helpless.

He probably also feel sadness that you can't be a happy unit and that you are unhappy with the situation. He probably feels stuck in that whatever he actions to make you happier will upset his daughter and vice versa. He is probably always trying to compromise yet seeing that nothing he does makes things better.

Yeah, maybe. But it's mainly the OP and the step-daughter I'd spare my sympathy for. Yes he's in the middle but he is literally the reason all three are forced to co-exist so it behoves him to manage it better and find a better balance all round. What the OP is looking for is the bare minimum of civilised behaviour from a young adult, not the moon on a stick. And it most definitely doesn't sound like he is always trying to compromise, I think you might be projecting here.

I do get the efforts to try to see it from the other side, but the 2 notable perspectives are from SD who had deeply disfunctional and pretty bloody awful SM.

Can you see the difference here? Do you think that the SM you had @dontdisturbmenow would have cared enough about you to post a thread here? To ask advice on how to manage this situation?

@Dundee67890 isn’t slagging off her SD, she’s pointing out appalling behaviour from her SD, towards her and her GP and nobody related to her seems to notice.

I get that some dads are bloody awful, don’t give a shit as long as they’re married and got all the trappings of a partnered life, and god knows this dh here has his faults, but he’s not trying to stop any of the rudeness, he’s contributing to it with the whispering etc.

Somewhere between the 2 camps is the truth, doubtless, but SD will have to make the changes in her life.

And I still wouldn’t advocate cleaning her room of left sanitary towels or clear away smelly things.

I would tell dh to tell her on Sunday to make sure she leaves her room the way she wants to find it and then leave it alone.

If your DH cares enough to go in and make her bed, then it sounds like you can safely leave any truly awful mess from this weekend for him to clean up as well. He can then choose whether to have it out with SD or leave it.

It does sound like SD has some issues but it doesn't sound like she'd welcome your help in resolving them. I think the best thing for now is to leave them to it but be very clear with your boundaries - picking up another person's used sanitary products is a complete red-line. In your shoes, I'd retreat to my room with a book and a meal for one and enjoy some me time. Then out for a walk with a friend tomorrow. No cooking or cleaning this weekend...leave that to your DH and SD.

The thing that stands out the most is that you have been married for 10yrs which suggests that this isn't new. All 3 of you have serious communication problems.

Also I disagree with the general consensus that you should get DH to deal with it. You should sit her down (preferably together) and discuss these issues with her directly. It's your home and, presumably, you wouldn't let anyone else treat you like this.

You also need a decent conversation with your husband as to why he thinks it's ok to enable her to behave like this. And you need to stop putting up with it.

Hope your weekend was okay and uneventful

Itching for an update on this situation? Hope everything's okay OP! x