Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

@JackieWeaverFever

Not normal aand not okay. This post has given me the rage

Stop cleaning the room immediately - used sanitary products is appaulling and at 17 she should strip her own bed.

He should do any and all cleaning of her room he doesn't give a shiny shit because it's your problem - make it his.

I would not think of touching her used santiary pads.
At 17 and after 10 years she is old enough.
Your husband is half the problem though.

I'd be ensuring there were leftovers ij the fridge/freezer and be leaving him and her to sort out their own dinners and as summer comes I'd be tipping them put of the house for the day to "let them bond"

and for you

I love "father and daughter bonding" too

One thing that I did observe when all of this was going on in my life was that the expectations that I and my ex-husband had of my stepdaughter were unmanageable for her. Her mother treated her as if she was about 4 years younger than we did (we were thinking young adult as she was 17 at this point, her mum behaved as if she were about 13) and she flourished under that nurturing care. When she went to stay with her mum, it was literally a case of fixed bedtimes and mealtimes, favourite food produced, walks mandatory, enforced tidying of bedroom for 20mins at the same time every day, hot chocolate wrapped in a blanket in front of PG films on Sunday afternoon and so on. The babying seemed to be the exact medicine she needed and only lasted a couple of months before easing up into a more 'normal' late-teens routine. It's not something I could have done, but I think her dad could have done it had he realised it was what she needed.

A couple of years afterwards, when my best friend was depressed, I went and did something similar for her and it worked then, too!

For a start, when she leaves on the Sunday, you should shut her bedroom door and leave it. When she returns, it’ll be in the same state she left it. If your DH cleans it, that’s up to him.

I have been in your position OP! There was two of them in my case, who were equally messy. I tried everything, and my efforts failed at every turn. I cleaned their rooms for them for a long time, they didn't care. I left their rooms as they were in the hope that they would tidy themselves. They didn't seem to like this, but still didn't clean. I bought them new furniture etc in the hope this would encourage them to keep their rooms nice, didn't work. I appealed to their dad to clean/help them clean/tell them to clean. He wouldn't. The mess which they left behind all around the house, I couldn't ignore (once went on strike and then gave up after 2 days as it seemed to affect nobody but me). My DC, who was half their age, did more around the house than they did and had to keep their own room tidy. Their attitude towards me stank too, I seemed to only exist to drive them around, give them money, cook whatever they wanted, and otherwise shut up.

Some people vote YABU in these threads because they mean YABU to put up with it.

That sounds completely rank. I think you should draw his attention to the state of the room, ask him to have a word with her and leave it to him to sort out. If he doesn’t, it stays like that until her next visit - with the door closed, I couldn’t bear to see it!

I want to say that she’s 17, and needs to grow the fuck up. But just stop for a moment, and remember that she has had TEN YEARS since she was just SEVEN of her mother bad mouthing you.

Can you imagine being 7 years old, and actually liking this nice woman, and suffering all the guilt and disloyalty of that? 7 - it’s so young.

I do have sympathy for her, though it won’t be a popular point of view.

A lot of the room stuff is normal teen - certainly not every teen, but not so unusual. Not bothering to shower, leaving the room a mess... hiding out in her room and not engaging. Pretty normal.

How bad does the room really smell, after just 3 nights with no showers? She doesn’t have a period every weekend. You’re too quick to be the one to clean up after her. And in the kindest of tones - you’re an absolute mug! Why did you ever think her dad would take the room situation seriously, if it’s not him picking up the used sanitary products?

I would tell him to clean up after her. If he doesn’t, shut the door - sanitary products and all - and let her return to that. You may find you have to hold your nerve until Friday when she’s due again - do not break. On a non period weekend, which is the majority, even if she’s really sweaty - that room isn’t going to smell so bad after 3 nights that you can’t just shut the door on it. Let her come back to her own filth, if he won’t clean it. The most I’d do is leave fresh bedding outside her room with a breezy, “you can change last weekend’s if you want to - pop the old ones in the basket.” If next weekend there are two used sets, then no more fresh until either he or she wash them 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they want to talk without including you - fine. But no whispering. And, with regards to him, that would be a hill to die on for me.

Lockdown is hard on everyone, but I don’t like the sound of him shouting at you... I would seriously consider my marriage.

But the most immediate thing - STOP CLEANING HER (LITERALLY!) BLOODY ROOM!!!!!

Yes @Iloveacurry

I’d tell DH that I’m putting a black sack , a blue sack and a washing basket outside her room and before she leaves you expect the bed to be stripped and rubbish put in the appropriate bag

Hoover could also be placed on the landing , but that might be a step too far

I would tell both her and your husband that you expect her to strip the bed and clean and air the room before she leaves. You will not be doing it. (Just close the door and don’t go in while she is away.)
I would also make it clear that you expect to be treated with respect and included as you are her step mother. Whispered conversations are banned. She is expected to take part as a member of the household, attend mealtimes and not eat in her room. She needs to learn conversational skills as at 17 she is clearly lacking in interpersonal skills.
If she and your husband do not change then she cannot come to visit.

Although impractical, I would be tempted to try shock tactics; close the bedroom door after she leaves and let her come back two weeks later to the mess she left - or alternatively close the door for 24 hours and then ask your DH to pop into the room to get something and let him see what it looks/smells like 24 hours after his DD leaves (and expects you to clean).

Sounds like a normal teen to me. They can be awful! 2 of mine did the used pad thing!!! I hated it! But they're both adults now and nice people!!

OP this is really tough. Sounds like your husband will do anything to appease his daughter, with the result you are treated with utmost disrespect.

The first thing I'd start with is the room as that is prob the easiest issue to tackle first.

DO NOT CLEAN UP AFTER HER. Repeat. Repeat repeat. I know this will drive you totally insane, but stay strong. When you clean up after her, you are unwittingly saying.,....no matter how badly you treat me, I will just accept it and be totally walked over.

Mention to your husband 'in passing' at least an hour before DSD leaves today . ....by the way, I'm not cleaning the room up. Please can you clean it or ask dsd to do it before she leaves.

Leave him and his daughter to it. Do not get into an argument with him about it.

Cos if you go in and clean it.... You are making it your problem. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Make it THEIR problem.

Good luck x

You can’t “ban” whispering. I know it’s nice to think you can just ban things, but you can’t. It’s rude, her dad should be dealing with it, but if he won’t, this type of behaviour may well go on, and the OP will have to decide whether or not to live with it.

If your husband won't deal with it and shouts at you when you raise it, then you will have to.

Handing her a rubbish bag and asking her to clear the room of rubbish, strip the beds and put the sheets in the machine and open the window - this is fine. At 17, she should be doing this at home. Ask/tell her to do this in an unemotional, non accusing way before she leaves.

Stop cooking for everyone. Suggest a takeaway or that the two of them cook together.

And yes, own the space. If she is whispering, ask her to speak up. If she says she wasn't talking to you, lightly let her know that this is your house too, you are happy for her to have a private conversation with her father, but suggest that they move to a different room to do so.

She sounds immature so treat her more as a 13 year old. Be firm but kind and unemotional about it.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I am sure you can see @Dundee67890 that it is hard for us readers to understand how you think your partner is a good man and that this is the only crack in your relationship .

It's not normal or right. She clearly needs a good talking to!

Your DH is only going to do that if it starts affecting him. At the moment the only impact is you saying the odd comment.

Can you away your shifts so you work at the weekend and have days off during the week?

Stop cleaning the room. Tell DH either she cleans it before she leaves or he does it when he gets back from dropping her off.

Stop making an effort for her. Sort your own dinner out and let DH make them dinner.

Tell DH you're not happy the whispering has returned and that you won't put up with it.

Honestly, he sounds weak. I'm sure he'd be deeply unhappy if this were the other way round. Do you have kids?

I just wanted to say my friend was brought up in a similar situation. Her Dad moved in with step Mum (in this case OW) when she was 10. Her Mum continually made things difficult so that she could not have a relationship with step Mum. They hit married when friend was 30 and she was under so much pressure from her Mum not to go, it really put her in an awful place. Friend got married at 35, had known her step Mum for 25 years and was given an ultimatum by her Mum that only inoffensive them could go. She moved away after the wedding to the next village to her Dad and now gets on well with step Mum although she has to tread carefully that step Mum does not play too big a role in her baby’s life or her Mum will start the guilt tripping her. It’s awful because they’re all losing out. She also has step siblings 5-10 years older than her that she has no relationship with.

I will say with absolutely certainty she wouldn’t have left her room like that at any age and would have always been polite.

The teenage room dweller and lacking chat is quite normal, as is shower dodging unfortunately. The sanpro is inexcusable. I would knock on her door an hour before she is due to leave and loudly announce that you have left a bin bag outside her door and ask her to remove all rubbish from the room on leaving. Or let her father pick up the sanpro.

Otherwise the changing of bed and opening window are just normally cleaning and I wouldn't have an issue with that. It's the disrespect at leaving used sanpro and also the fact of she's on the pill she may be sexually active therefore even more of a biohazard having to handle it for you.

I would start off by not cleaning her room. Get DH to do it, maybe when he's had to deal with used sanitary products he will kick her bum. It's totally gross and disrespectful of her

Go in and air the room but leave it to him

After 10 years I doubt the little madam will start to like you but I would insist on no more whispering and a little thanks for all you do for her

also the fact of she's on the pill she may be sexually active therefore even more of a biohazard having to handle it for you.

Here we go again 🙄 No, the OP isn’t going to catch herpes from a rolled up sanitary pad. It is disgusting, but “biohazard”?!

I actually think stripping her bed or asking her to isn’t reasonable when she’s only staying 2 nights. You don’t switch bed sheets every 2/3 nights normally so why then? It’s her dads house and should feel like home and not a hotel where you strip the bed at the end of your stay. So that should stop.
I also agree with a PP saying it’s unlikely just a few days will make a room actually stink. I think it’s an overreaction tbh and even when i had stinky teenage boys who actually DID stink I would not have gone into a room and said “oh it stinks in here” and opened the window as a different poster suggested- that’s so rude.

I like the idea of a family meeting where you treat her with respect and kindness and ask where things could be improved. Mention that you’re concerned about sanitary products and does she prefer to use the bathroom bin or some nappy bags in her own room bin? Ask her to make some meal
Suggestions for the following stay and invite her to cook if she’d like to- make it like a fresh start with all three of you on the same side. Find some likeable things about her and try to put yourself in her shoes. She’s not acting in a way that suggests she is happy so find your compassion for her.

even when i had stinky teenage boys who actually DID stink I would not have gone into a room and said “oh it stinks in here” and opened the window as a different poster suggested- that’s so rude.

Agreed.

The issues here are the sanitary pads (rank - occasional?) and the whispering/rudeness. She doesn’t have to be sociable. It’s hard to believe the room reeks (open a window) but otherwise let her be her surly self.

When the next visit occurs I’d be laying down my house rules whether he liked it or not

@isadora do you really strip the beds after staying in a hotel? I must be doing that wrong! Maybe she doesn't have to strip then every time (though I would, imagine them getting musty after 2 weeks even with no-one sleeping in them). But a 17 year old should be washing and making their own bed in their own home, shouldn't they?